Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,920
- Points
- 38
My son is such an imaginative little lad! A good thing too, as it helps him deal with his older sister's bullying. Like, for a while his favorite toy was a construction worker figure; he called it his Handyman. When my daughter saw how much he was enjoying it, she broke its hands off, simply out of meanness. But that didn't stymie the boy! He just started referring to it as his Army Man!
Damn these high energy bills! It's getting so you can't afford to gaslight people anymore!
I've recently become a sufferer of Celiac Disease and it's made it almost impossible to use the computer. Just about every website insists that you accept cookies, but none of them tell you whether or not they're gluten free.
Lawyer: "Honor your objection: testimony this irrelevant is!"
Judge: "That objection is completely out of order!"
A lot of people complain about smokers, but I've found that they're the most down-to-earth people you'll ever meet. That's because they live just inches from the grave.
Q: Why did Sean Connery go to the Female Roofers Convention?
A: To meet all the shingle ladies.
My nymphomaniac sister is heading for New Guinea. She's heard that the locals can't resist eating pussy.
The madam's bordello business was down, so she made the girls hold a bake sale. What a success! Best ho made cookies ever!
I'm loving this French class! Today I learned the word "hors d'oeuvres"! And that's just for starters!
Brunette: "Thanks for doing my hair!"
Blonde: "No problem! What kind of conditioner do you want me to use?"
Brunette: "Extra volume."
Blonde: "WHAT KIND OF CONDITIONER DO YOU WANT ME TO USE?"
I really enjoy exotic pets... I've owned an axolotl since the day he was hatched. Of course, back then he was an axolittel.
Dwayne Johnson is the only man in America who can seduce a lesbian. That's because Rock beats scissors.
That astrologer should never have picked a fight with me! Soon after, he was seeing stars!
Genie: "What will your wish be, master?"
Man: "I want enough money to last me the rest of my life!"
Genie: "Granted, master."
One week later, the man was dead.
My phone keeps slipping into Flight Mode for no reason. That, in turn, sends me slipping into Fight Mode.
Doctor: "After examining your prostate, I find that it feels enlarged."
Patient: "That can't be right! I want a second opinion!"
Doctor: "Okay, bend over again. I'll use two fingers."
My fisherman pal called me his best chum! At first I was quite flattered... now that I know he plans to hunt sharks, I'm quite nervous.
Q: In the Hardy Boys mystery, "The Secret of Smuggler's Cove", what did the bloody oar and the spectral lighthouse keeper have in common?
A: They were both foreboding.
My girlfriend made me wear a condom and she must have known I was irritated about it, which is why she apologized. I suppose she was right, though... better safe, then sorry.
Did you hear? The exchange student bought a new car and it's changed him completely! He's just not Joaquin anymore.
Last Halloween I rented six fog machines for my haunted house display and what happened? The store owner called the cops on me! To be fair, he assumed I was part of an extreme mist group.
Blonde: "Help me with this crossword. I can't make the word I want fit."
Brunette: "What's the clue?"
Blonde: " 'You blow it to make a wish' ".
Brunette: "And 'dandelion' won't fit?"
Blonde: "Oh. I put down 'sugar-daddy'."
* * *
Damn these high energy bills! It's getting so you can't afford to gaslight people anymore!
* * *
I've recently become a sufferer of Celiac Disease and it's made it almost impossible to use the computer. Just about every website insists that you accept cookies, but none of them tell you whether or not they're gluten free.
* * *
Lawyer: "Honor your objection: testimony this irrelevant is!"
Judge: "That objection is completely out of order!"
* * *
A lot of people complain about smokers, but I've found that they're the most down-to-earth people you'll ever meet. That's because they live just inches from the grave.
* * *
Q: Why did Sean Connery go to the Female Roofers Convention?
A: To meet all the shingle ladies.
* * *
My nymphomaniac sister is heading for New Guinea. She's heard that the locals can't resist eating pussy.
* * *
The madam's bordello business was down, so she made the girls hold a bake sale. What a success! Best ho made cookies ever!
* * *
I'm loving this French class! Today I learned the word "hors d'oeuvres"! And that's just for starters!
* * *
Brunette: "Thanks for doing my hair!"
Blonde: "No problem! What kind of conditioner do you want me to use?"
Brunette: "Extra volume."
Blonde: "WHAT KIND OF CONDITIONER DO YOU WANT ME TO USE?"
* * *
I really enjoy exotic pets... I've owned an axolotl since the day he was hatched. Of course, back then he was an axolittel.
* * *
Dwayne Johnson is the only man in America who can seduce a lesbian. That's because Rock beats scissors.
* * *
That astrologer should never have picked a fight with me! Soon after, he was seeing stars!
* * *
Genie: "What will your wish be, master?"
Man: "I want enough money to last me the rest of my life!"
Genie: "Granted, master."
One week later, the man was dead.
* * *
My phone keeps slipping into Flight Mode for no reason. That, in turn, sends me slipping into Fight Mode.
* * *
Doctor: "After examining your prostate, I find that it feels enlarged."
Patient: "That can't be right! I want a second opinion!"
Doctor: "Okay, bend over again. I'll use two fingers."
* * *
My fisherman pal called me his best chum! At first I was quite flattered... now that I know he plans to hunt sharks, I'm quite nervous.
* * *
Q: In the Hardy Boys mystery, "The Secret of Smuggler's Cove", what did the bloody oar and the spectral lighthouse keeper have in common?
A: They were both foreboding.
* * *
My girlfriend made me wear a condom and she must have known I was irritated about it, which is why she apologized. I suppose she was right, though... better safe, then sorry.
* * *
Did you hear? The exchange student bought a new car and it's changed him completely! He's just not Joaquin anymore.
* * *
Last Halloween I rented six fog machines for my haunted house display and what happened? The store owner called the cops on me! To be fair, he assumed I was part of an extreme mist group.
* * *
Blonde: "Help me with this crossword. I can't make the word I want fit."
Brunette: "What's the clue?"
Blonde: " 'You blow it to make a wish' ".
Brunette: "And 'dandelion' won't fit?"
Blonde: "Oh. I put down 'sugar-daddy'."
