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Leaving a relationship...

A

alixandrya

TMF Novice
Joined
Jul 2, 2006
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I've been "out" about my fetish with my partner for about 3 years now. we've been together for 4 years, and i was so ashamed of my fetish I didn't even mention it until about 9 months into the relationship. ever since that day, we've been different. She doesn't like it AT ALL, and it has caused a huge sexual wedge between us. I've tried to be playful about it, but it's never a joke to her and sometimes, she turns violent. Like most of us, I just get off better when I can incorporate my fetish. Last night, after we argued about it for the 76th time, she said to me "If you want to be happy, maybe you should find someone else..." That was more painful to imagine than I want to believe. My point is, should I leave a seemingly perfect relationship in every other aspect but the sexual one? Should I attempt to build a life with someone other than her just because they share my fetish? Or should I stay and be unhappy in the bedroom, but happy with everything else?

I'm so conflicted/scared/ashamed/hurt.
 
Get out of that bad relationship.

You two just aren't right for each other. Do you want to spend the rest of your life under a perpetual umbrella of depressing frustration?

It's like if you love girls with huge breasts, and you are dating someone with no breasts...but your situation is even worse, because the girl with no breasts doesn't
have a choice, it's nature - that relationship could work out.

You are MORE frustrated, because it's her choice not to indulge and/or accept you.

And look at it from HER perspective - she will also be eternally miserable, knowing you aren't satisfied, and she just doesn't like tickling.

She needs to find someone compatible with her, and you with you, or at least who will indulge you.

BE CAREFUL - the part that stuck out to me was "otherwise perfectly fine relationship." You are in the world of that relationship.
You've accepted it. Complacency will lead to misery down the line...never mind, RIGHT NOW it's already happened.
It's why people who are miserable will stay in miserable situations - they just get used to it. Women will stay in abusive relationships, as will men, because change
makes an effort, that's all they know, they're in that world, etc. Before I quit my shitty last job managed by hateful, evil drama filled Satan people, I began
to think every dam job was like that. Being in misery distorts your world view. I went from having tons of things to do, but with evil managers, to being a janitor,
but now make more money, and love it! The people are all kind, the managers are laid back and cool, there's no drama at all!

Sometimes you need to water a relationship to keep it strong and make it grow (not always looking for the greener pasture elsewhere),
BUT, if one partner doesn't want to grow, no amount of watering will ever help.
 
Not the first time we've seen this, won't be the last. Best to leave the relationship if your preferences just makes her irritated. My wife of ten years grew to hate tickling, but I couldn't help it. Such a long lean body, it just seemed to keep asking for it, from my perspective anyway. I didn't want to leave, and yes its rough at first, but it gets better and you can meet new people. Just don't wait so long before you come out next time, it will lessen the surprise later.
 
For people who dislike or hate tickling, its fucking really annoying if they keep getting tickled, especially by someone that is supposed to care about their well being. Even more so if they have expressed in words that they do not like it and don't want you to do it.

If you cannot get along in your relationship without tickling your partner that hates it, its time to move on.
 
Sounds like her decisions already made. This will ALWAYS be a problem with this relationship, so how can it be "perfect"?? In every other way?? There has to be a give and take with any relationship, if not, it's gonna fail. On the flip side, if you base a relationship solely off your tickle fetish, it to will fail. There are many women out there that will be at least understanding, some even like it. But it has to be there for both. Good luck!!
 
Is there any chance the relationship can be saved? I feel like I've tried to suppress my fetish as best I can, but not at the expense of denying my happiness and what I wanted. The thought of leaving is painful, I just keep thinking maybe I don't need my fetish to be happy.
 
If she doesn't respect your sexual life (like tickling fetish or ect) just leave her.

You could find another one if you really want...
 
It's interesting you've kept the relationship working for a long period of time after having telling her - what are the others things keeping it going?

It would be gutting for both parties if you were to separate despite having many other reasons why you love each other.

But similarly, if there's a certain aspect in a relationship that is causing an issue and it's not going to change, there's no possible compromise, than ultimately it will be make both parties miserable and guilty. A compromise for example, where you simply fantasise about tickling scenarios with your partner, would that not be enough to 'get you off' enough to be fulfilled?

Really tough one, but ultimately if there's not a list of other reasons why you adore this person that overcome the lack of willingness to be tickled then you should just call it a day amicably before it ends worse.
 
Alixandrya, To answer your question regarding if the relationship can be saved, yes it can. but by only you making the comprimise to not include your fetish in the relationship. She has made it clear that she will not have it and has taken it as far as suggesting you find another relationship if you must have it. Assuming the choice is yours right now, you need to decide what you will be ultimately happy with. We can and will offer our support and advice, but its all you. She may decide for the both of you if you don't decide first and probably soon...

Good Luck Sir.
 
If everything between you is OK except sex, you've described a friendship not a relationship. Sex is what holds a relationship together when times are bad, and celebrates it when times are good. Being human is difficult and you'll just have to continue with the labour of finding someone better for you. And it's possible- not a certainty but certainly a possibility. Get out there and play the game. I hope you win.
 
If she's not into it now, it's not going to change ever.

What if you had a girlfriend who had a spit fetish and she liked to spit on you during sex? Spit/tickle aren't the same, but the same concept of a weird fetish that one could find annoying and punishable by death. Some women just don't do tickling and you have to respect that. If you're overdoing it, that could be a major problem too. Tickling is grotesque for some in a sense because it's almost a form of torture.

I'm into feet. So it's important that my partner have pretty feet -- they don't have to be ticklish, but at least be pretty. It's absolutely wrong, but I have stopped talking to women because the inside of her heels had World War I going on inside of her shoes. It would never work. Cowardly, I didn't admit that as the reason but I did it. Oh well.

Find someone into what you're into and you'll be fine.
 
Same old story...
Tickling as a fetish is just difficult to integrate into a relationship, I have made that experience many times. You either have to figure out, whether you can love her without practising you're "desire", or leave her. I had a long, happy relationship with a woman that I've never tickled ( not because she wouldn't like it, but because she wasn't that ticklish), others were , but hated it, so I refrained from doing it. Apart from that it is just "weird"
In your special case, "Pandoras box" is opennow , so to speak, and I think she is a little offendedby your fetish, it seperates you now and you should better leave her, don't try to convince her! Generally you should really make up your mind what you want from a realship.
 
no offense but everyone in the world can give their opinion on this but YOU'RE the only one with the answer...

You could "surpress your fetish" simply to try to make it work, and then years down the road end potentially up feeling like you've lost a part of yourself and end up miserable. You could leave and eventually get over the heartbreak and find someone (like I did) who's into the fetish and be 100% happy in life. The point is only YOU can decide what's right in this situation. Either you believe you cannot find what you've got with anyone else (which I doubt is true) - or you take the plunge and know that eventually you'll be ready to move on and possibly find another "seemingly perfect relationship" down the road.

Leaving a relationship is never easy, but sometimes when you take a step back you realize it's for the best (not only for you but your partner as well). The fear of the unknown can keep us locked in a vicious cycle and drive us to stay in a relationship which might not be healthy for either of you.... Take a step back and remember the pain will pass, and when it does can you live with that decision?
 
alixandrya said:
Is there any chance the relationship can be saved? I feel like I've tried to suppress my fetish as best I can, but not at the expense of denying my happiness and what I wanted. The thought of leaving is painful, I just keep thinking maybe I don't need my fetish to be happy.
Click to expand...
No, do not try to suppress your erotic interest. That will make you very unhappy in the long run. Leave her. It will hurt, but you have a chance of finding somebody compatible with your interest.
 
Ticklemepls has given us all sound advice. Nicely said. Comments and opinions are awesome and we do a tremendous job here for the most part.

But, it always comes down to the individual. We have to ultimately decide.
 
This is why noone should get involved with someone thats not into their fetish. end it in the beginning so you dont get too attached.
 
I second what maniactickler said. I am in a relationship with someone who led me to believe she was ticklish but actually she is not ticklish. It has been miserable for my tickling desire. I have never, ever, tickled anyone who is ticklish or likes it. I've tried on my wife several times, but nothing. I wished when I first started my relationship with her that I had seriously talked about it. I was scared. I didn't. Now, at 62, I am truly frustrated with this side of my life. Nothing is going to change. Take care of it before you have regrets like mine.
 
Wow qwill - sorry to hear that - that absolutely sucks - you wanna borrow my wife for a night - she's a ticklers dream come true
she actually gets turned on when other dudes tickle her feet respectfully of course. And i love to watch her struggle . lol
 
Well. Sounds like you and she are not a good match. I don't think it has long term implications for your happiness though. Some relationships don't work out. Tickling or not.

Tickling as a fetish can be difficult to work with relationship wise. Especially if tickling is important to your sex life or happiness. So, just keep looking and try to find someone who shares your interests...or someone who is willing to participate or tolerate it.

My ex wife hated to be tickled. But tickling is not a "necessity" for me. We found that she actually did like to be tickled when she was aroused and close to orgasm. But otherwise...no tickling. So that's that. And it was okay. Tickling was not the center of the universe for me. We had a good relationship without tickling.

But people should be happy. If I marry again, I probably want someone who can handle tickling. as fun. Or as part of a sexual relationship. I've had many friends over the years who did not share tickling as a "Fetish" or never really thought about tickling as related to sex...but they were fine with it...and it has been fun. I say that to say that there are folks out there. The majority of folks don't care one way or another about tickling. Some hate it. Some love it. Look for it. Or teach for it (LOL). But go for it. Find your person.
 
One of my current tickle friends is cute and almost two decades younger than me. When I first tickled her, she laughed. A little embarrassed because it was in public. But she is ticklish and doesn't mind it at all.

She was later surprised when she found out that it was a turn on for her. She didn't understand why anyone would be into that. But she was not upset or turned off. She likes to laugh. Sometimes when we would get together she would even remind me that I could tickle her. Or she would just ask me to. She started saying that I was the only one who liked to tickle her and that it was the best laughter she was having in life. And she liked that it turned me on. But it didn't turn her on so much. Yet...it does now. And just with me. She tried to introduce tickling to her partners in her real , romantic relationships but she says that they don't get it and don't do it right. LOL.

Anyway, she does not get off on tickling...but she likes it as foreplay. It gets her going pretty good. And she never knew. And I kind of eased her into it. All that to say that you can actually create an accommodation...if you have the right person.

Like back to my ex wife. I have a foot fetish too and she has pretty feet. Ticklish feet too. LOL. Anyway, she hated to be tickled so that was off limits. She was not into her feet...but it didn't bother her at all that I was. And so she more than accommodated me. I think that is part of a loving relationship. You don't compromise the things that you hate or absolutely love...but for things in between...you try to work that out. I used to have a girlfriend who got turned on by having her earlobes sucked and played with. I'm not so much into that. But hey...she loved it...so I loved it. I was on her earlobes all the time.

Tickling...even as a fetish...is not as wierd or strange to vanilla folks as we think. You just gotta find your person. Good luck
 
If you want a complete relationship and be completely happy you will have to leave. If you can live w it hour it, then stay if you feel comfortable enough but what else won't she tolerate?
 
Gotta agree, it's not even about finding someone who shares your fetish necessarily, but if you can't find someone who at least accepts it you will only become more unhappy with time and you'll both get hurt more. I'm engaged to a girl who doesn't share my fetish but she loves me unconditionally and indulges me because it makes me happy. You deserve someone like that.
 
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