Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,922
- Points
- 38
He: "Honey, I have some terrible news. Your dad just hanged himself in his attic."
She: "He what?!!!"
He: "April Fools!"
She: "Oh thank God!"
He: "He actually hanged himself in our attic."
My cousin walked into a gay bar. An hour later he came out.
"What's the matter, Sam? You look terrible."
"My... my wife is threatening to leave me."
"And even that hasn't cheered you up? Man, you are depressed!"
There used to be nine planets. We have only eight now. No big loss... our relationship with the last one was strictly plutonic.
Pirates always drink when they're on shore; it helps them regain their sea legs.
I didn't have sex until I was 20; my dad always said it was worth waiting for a score.
Customer: "One mousetrap, please. And make it quick; I have a bus to catch."
Clerk: "Sorry, sir. Nobody makes them that big."
My wife insists that I always be treated with Respect; it's the newest, strongest deodorant on the market.
There's a special parking facility expressly for frogs and that's where Mr. Hopper used to leave his car every morning. He can't use that spot anymore, though... not since they learned it was toad.
Before I adopted Rex, he'd spent years chasing that mechanical rabbit around the racing track. I tell you, for companionship there's nothing like a lap dog!
Dating after age 60: the odds aren't so good... because by then, the goods are so odd.
My sister wants to become a cat burglar, but she doesn't have the talent. At present, she's just a run-of-the-mill purr snatcher.
The military used napalm against an invasion of giant fire ants, but it made little impact against their mindless attacks. These weren't simply giant fire ants... they were giant fire retard ants.
Our pregnant farm horse didn't deliver until 3:00 AM, at which time a delicate little filly was born. It was a night mare delivery.
Blonde: "Is this the cab company? Well, we need one! My friend is pregnant and has to get to the hospital right away!"
Brunette: "It... it's an emergency! Tell him it's an emergency! I'm due! I'm due any second! Make sure that's something he understands!"
Blonde: "And snap it up! The contractions have started already!"
I knew it was a risk, keeping my perfume shop fully stocked during this current period of lawlessness! But I did anyway and sure enough, it was broken into last night! Damn thieves! They took everything down to the last scent!
Watch out for blonde electricians! Sure, they can be beautiful, but most of them are ohm-wreckers!
Hey, I'm dating a blonde electrician! She's my current girlfriend!
Brunette: "Before I moved here, I actually lived in a lighthouse! It was so sturdy it could withstand a hurricane!"
Blonde: "It couldn't have been especially light, then."
My next-door neighbor is both a war hero and a draft dodger. Due to wounds he received in combat, he never goes walking on windy days.
Street sweeping is one of those entry-level jobs. You don't need any training... you just pick it up as you go.
I met my wife at a singles' mixer. She was supposed to be at home with the kids, but under the circumstances there wasn't much I could say about it.
She: "He what?!!!"
He: "April Fools!"
She: "Oh thank God!"
He: "He actually hanged himself in our attic."
* * *
My cousin walked into a gay bar. An hour later he came out.
* * *
"What's the matter, Sam? You look terrible."
"My... my wife is threatening to leave me."
"And even that hasn't cheered you up? Man, you are depressed!"
* * *
There used to be nine planets. We have only eight now. No big loss... our relationship with the last one was strictly plutonic.
* * *
Pirates always drink when they're on shore; it helps them regain their sea legs.
* * *
I didn't have sex until I was 20; my dad always said it was worth waiting for a score.
* * *
Customer: "One mousetrap, please. And make it quick; I have a bus to catch."
Clerk: "Sorry, sir. Nobody makes them that big."
* * *
My wife insists that I always be treated with Respect; it's the newest, strongest deodorant on the market.
* * *
There's a special parking facility expressly for frogs and that's where Mr. Hopper used to leave his car every morning. He can't use that spot anymore, though... not since they learned it was toad.
* * *
Before I adopted Rex, he'd spent years chasing that mechanical rabbit around the racing track. I tell you, for companionship there's nothing like a lap dog!
* * *
Dating after age 60: the odds aren't so good... because by then, the goods are so odd.
* * *
My sister wants to become a cat burglar, but she doesn't have the talent. At present, she's just a run-of-the-mill purr snatcher.
* * *
The military used napalm against an invasion of giant fire ants, but it made little impact against their mindless attacks. These weren't simply giant fire ants... they were giant fire retard ants.
* * *
Our pregnant farm horse didn't deliver until 3:00 AM, at which time a delicate little filly was born. It was a night mare delivery.
* * *
Blonde: "Is this the cab company? Well, we need one! My friend is pregnant and has to get to the hospital right away!"
Brunette: "It... it's an emergency! Tell him it's an emergency! I'm due! I'm due any second! Make sure that's something he understands!"
Blonde: "And snap it up! The contractions have started already!"
* * *
I knew it was a risk, keeping my perfume shop fully stocked during this current period of lawlessness! But I did anyway and sure enough, it was broken into last night! Damn thieves! They took everything down to the last scent!
* * *
Watch out for blonde electricians! Sure, they can be beautiful, but most of them are ohm-wreckers!
* * *
Hey, I'm dating a blonde electrician! She's my current girlfriend!
* * *
Brunette: "Before I moved here, I actually lived in a lighthouse! It was so sturdy it could withstand a hurricane!"
Blonde: "It couldn't have been especially light, then."
* * *
My next-door neighbor is both a war hero and a draft dodger. Due to wounds he received in combat, he never goes walking on windy days.
* * *
Street sweeping is one of those entry-level jobs. You don't need any training... you just pick it up as you go.
* * *
I met my wife at a singles' mixer. She was supposed to be at home with the kids, but under the circumstances there wasn't much I could say about it.
