Humor

[Sadistictickler]

Have you got some jokes/cartoons? (or anything you consider to be funny that you want to share with the bunch of us)

Post it here!

<img src="http://download.consumptionjunction.com/multimedia/cj_11680.jpg">

<img src="http://www.lachfabriek.nl/plaat6/FRNCHFRY.gif">

<img src="http://www.lachfabriek.nl/plaat6/dickkaktus.jpg">

<img src="http://www.lachfabriek.nl/plaat6/sitshit.jpg">


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A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most
unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about
fifty metres behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking
a pit bull dog on a lead. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in
single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad
time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose
funeral is it?"

The man replied: "Well, that first hearse is my wife."

"What happened to her?"

"My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further: "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered: "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when
the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Join the queue."

 

[Sadistictickler]

My favorite eye examinationchart:

<img src="http://www.lachfabriek.nl/plaat6/eyetest.gif">

 

[Sadistictickler]

The Vikings land on the coast of England. Their leader jumps out of the Drekar-ship first shouting:"Rape and pillage! Rape and pillage!" Suddenly, an ugly, old and toothless woman walks out of one of the houses and sais:"Yes please" Thus, the Viking-leader sais:"Pillage!! Pillage!"

 

[Sadistictickler]

There was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming toward
him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came
up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?" Thinking
quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The girl walked away, and the guy fell
asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. The police
asked him what happened. The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on
thebeach, this little girl asked me a question. I guess I dozed off, and the
next thing I know is, I'm here." The police went to the beach, found the
girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a pause,
the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit
on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs,and set its nest on fire

 

[Sadistictickler]

Bush, Ben Laden and a farmer are walking in an alley when they suddenly find a strange looking bottle. They open it, and bang; a genie comes out with a blast. The genie sais:"All three of you are granted 1 wish." The farmer asks his wish first. He wishes his farm is the most fertile one in the whole world untill eternity. Then Ben Laden asks his wish. He wishes for a huge wall around Afghanistan, isolating the country completely. After the other 2 are gone, Bush asks the genie:"That wall around Afghanistan, is it waterproof?" "Yes, it is" the genie answers. "Alright then," Bush sais, "fill it completely with water then"

:-D

 

[sole seeker1]

WHY REDNECKS AREN'T PARAMEDICS:

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"

 

[PGSegal]

Skipping School.

Four high school boys, suffering from spring fever, decided to skip their morning classes, and show up during lunch. When they got to school, they visited the teacher of the one class they all had together, apologized for being late, and blamed there tardiness on a flat tire.

"Okay," said the teacher. "You missed a pop quiz, but I'll let you make it up now. Sit at different corners and pull out a blank sheet of paper."

Within less than one minute, the boys were ready for the quiz.

"First question," said the teacher. "Which tire was flat?"

 

[sole seeker1]

the Kindegarten teacher

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots? He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost
whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He
then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

Her trial starts next week.... =) =)

 

[Molson1]

A lady that has been kicked around by love too many times, decides to put an ad in the paper for a lover. The ad reads:
"I'm tired of games. I don't want a man that will beat me, I don't want a man that will leave me. I just want a man that will satisfy me."
Two weeks go by and finally she hears her doorbell ring. When she goes to answer the door ther's a a guy with no arms, and no legs in a wheelchair. He smiles up at her and says that he's here about the ad she placed in the newspaper. She shakes her head sadly and says, "You're not really what I was looking for." And he says,"What do you mean? I don't have any arms, I can't beat you. I don't have any legs, so I can't leave you." And she says, "But how are you going to satisfy me?" He just smiles and says, "Hey, I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

 

[sole seeker1]

INDIANS RIDE BARE-BACK

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yee Ha!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing," shrugged the woman, "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bare-back ..."

 

[sole seeker1]

The innocence of childhood

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper gets down on his knees (so that he's on her level), and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a thit."

 

[sole seeker1]

Public Service Announcements

The State of South Carolina State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Palmetto Hall, Long Cove, Indigo Run, Hilton Head, Sea Pines, Colleton River,and Shipyard Plantations.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator. It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity.

People should recognize the difference between small, young alligator and large, adult alligator droppings. Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.


This just in...

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto-maker Ford for the past five years. The auto-maker installed black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 47 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

Only the states of Mississippi, Louisiana and Alabama were different, where 89.3% of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"

 

[sole seeker1]

Amish whoopie

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend and he said "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied " Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." So he did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said. "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs the warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and his nose was warmed up.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid"

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?". Slightly concerned mother says, " Why yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies "Well they make one hell of a mess when they defrost don't they?"

 

[sole seeker1]

Stress Relief

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number). After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down, with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him. He'd answer and I'd yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?" he yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some dude in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The rude S.O.B. ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (by then I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too. I dialed and someone said, "Hello?" I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea: I called Asshole #1. `"Hello" "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked. "My name is Don Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you live?" "Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my black Beemer out front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called asshole # 2: "Hello?" he said. "Hello Asshole," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" I said. "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew. Now, I feel better. Have a great day!





I'm still trying out new philosophies for my life. How's this?

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the hell alone.

 

[sole seeker1]

the face lift

A lady in her late 60's went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The surgeon told her of a new procedure called "The Knob." He explained that this small knob is planted in the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Fifteen years later, the woman went back to the surgeon with two problems. She said, "Through all these years everything had been working just fine. I've had to turn The Knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible bag under my eyes and The Knob wont get rid of them. The doctor looked at her and said "Those are not bags, those are your breasts." She replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."

 

[sole seeker1]

The South Shall Rise Ag'in

Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners And Northeastern Urbanites:

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will just HAVE to kick your ass.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever-it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g.,Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes, Clinton). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick their ass.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick your ass.

8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended-with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited Northern rat-holes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.

12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how to barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your ass.




I hope no one is offended by this joke. Just the same, I was 12 years old before I knew "Damn-Yankee" was two words.

 

[shortyhol]

This joke is called, Barracks Door


A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.
A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."
This is not a phrase we men normally use so he went on his way looking
a bit puzzled.
When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said,"Your fly is
open." He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally
got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"

The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no. I didn't. All I saw
was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags!!!

 

[shortyhol]

This joke doesn't really have a title!

At the Senior Citizens' luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since
both of them were widowed they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up and they headed to the river to his
fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the
river when there was a fork in the river and the gentleman asks the lady,
"Do you want to go up or down?" All of a sudden the lady stripped off her
shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right in the boat.
When finished the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had
just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and then continued on down the river when soon they
came upon another fork in the river. He asked the lady, "Do you want to go
up or down?" There she went again, stripped off and made wild passionate
love to him again. This really impressed the old gentleman so he asked her
to go fishing
again the next day. She said yes and so here they were the next day, riding
in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river and the gentleman
asks, "Well, do you want to go up or down?" The woman replied, "Down." A
little puzzled, the gentleman drove the boat down the river when he came
upon another fork in the river and he asks the lady, "Do you want to go up
or down?" She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asks, "What's the deal? Every time
yesterday that I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing."

She replied, "Well, yesterday I didn't have my hearing aid in and I thought
you said 'fuck or drown'