It's your story, I will write any way you like. The criticism is perfect, I can take it besides it's being offered with ideas which I looovvveeee!!! Most people would just say, your story sucks and stop there. If someone wants to tell me something sucks, offer me a better way so I can fix it.
Perfect responses from you though, glad you are enjoying it, I will adjust some and resend it to you.
Also I put the header that I wrote the story for you, if I post in the forum would you like your name mentioned or no? I will do either way or not post at all, after all it is your story.