We say potato, they say err...... potato. They call a slapper a tramp, a tramp a bum, a bum a fanny and a fanny a puh-seh. In 1946, US war hero John Wayne said that Britain and America were two countries seperated by a common language. This may have been true then, but is it still true today? Thanks to the internet, Concorde and cordless phones the world is shrinking, and American culture is increasingly a part of the British way of life. With our star-spangled diet of McDonalds food, Coca-Cola and the Disney Channel, it is almost inevitable that we will soon become the 51'st state of the Union. But are YOU ready to be a yank? It's time to get off your hoss, drink your milk (like Kurt Angle😀) and ask........
Answer the following questions a, b or c. Tot up your score at the end to see how well you did.
1/ You decide that your relationship with your partner is over. How do you break the news that you are leaving? a)Leave a tearful note on the kitchen table and slip quietly away in the night. b) Sit down with your partner and calmly discuss the reasons for your decision. c) Attack him/her with a chair in front of a rabble of cheering, pumped-up trailer-trash vermins on national television?
2/ You are visiting Egypt and are concerned over the recent terrorist attacks on foreign nationals. What do you wear to remain inconspicuous? a) A tee-shirt and a pair of jeans. b)A Demis Roussoss tent dress, fez, a false beard and sunglasses. c) A high-rise baseball cap, trainers (sneakers) with knee length socks, an horrendous flowery shirt, Eric Morcambe shorts and 8 cameras?
3/ Where are you most likely to find your local copper? a) Outside his police house in the village, mending a puncture on his bicycle. b) Asleep in his patrol car, on a motorway flyover. c) On his yacht, wearing a pastel suit with the sleeves rolled up, feeding his pet crocodile.
4/ You are the political leader of your country. An interviewer asks you a question on foreign affairs. How do you respond? a) Knowledgeably, addressing the issues and answering all your points. b) As best you can, deftly steering the conversation towards topics on which you are better qualified to speak. c) Stand there grinning gormlessly, then throw up on the Japanese Prime Minister, before going home and getting sucked off by a fat-titted intern.
5/ You fancy a night in watching something funny on the telly. What kind of comedy show do you choose? a)A sitcom like Fawlty Towers or Father Ted. b) A sketch show like The Fast Show or Smack The Pony. c) A thinly disguised morality play set in a massive lounge where the audience whoop for 10 minutes, every time an overpaid actor makes an entrance to deliver a lightweight wisecrack.
6/ Your fourteen year old son is going through a difficult phase. He is becoming disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do? a) Don't worry, it's just a phase he's going through. You were the same at his age. b) Encourage him to get out more. Perhaps join a youth club or get involved in some team games. c) Take him to the local supermarket and buy him an arsenal of semi-automatic weapons and enough ammunition to de-populate New York during the commuting hours.
7) You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park. What do you need to take? a) A ball. b) A ball and a couple of coats to use as makeshift goalposts. c) A ball, 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armour, 20 cheer leaders in skimpy outfits, a marching souza-phone band with a grand piano on a trolley and a team of orthopaedic surgeons specialising in spinal injuries.
8) Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your toe on your wife's dressing table. What do you do? a) Shout and swear a little, after all it did hurt and you didn't have your slippers on at the time. b) Make a mental note to move the table as soon as possible to prevent it from happening again. c) Immiediatley phone a hotshot lawyer with an uptown reputation and sue your wife's and the table manufacturer's ass!
9) You are driving along a country road one day when you accidentally run over a rabbit. What do you do? a) Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet's if it's still alive. b) Carry on driving, but hope that it is still alive but if not, that it died quickly and as painlessly as possible. c) Strap it across the bonnet (hood) of your car and drive home hollering and whooping, throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window and urinating out of the sunroof.
10) You wake up one morning with a stiff neck after sleeping in an awkward position. What do you do? a) Ignore it, it will probably loosen up after a while. b) Take a couple of aspirins with a cup of coffee and get on with things. c) Take yourself to a prostitute addicted, tele-vangelist faith healer in an ill-fitting wig, who will lay his hand on your forehead, masturbate with the other, whilst screaming about the devil in front of an audience of gibbering in-breds.
11/ What do you have for breakfast? a) A bowl of cornflakes, a slice of toast and a mug of tea. b) A glass of orange juice, a croissant and a cup of black coffee. c) A bag of doughnuts with ice-cream, a 32 ounce steak with 6 eggs sunny side up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, a dozen waffles, five corn dogs and a diet root beer.
12/ What sort of car do you drive? a) A small economical runabout. b) A medium sized family saloon. c) A forty foot long, chromium plated jukebox with a TV and washing machine that does 1 mile to the gallon.
13/ You and your partner decide to get married. What sort of ceremony do you have? a) A quiet little do with a few friends in a registry office. b) A church service followed by a traditional reception at a fancy hotel. c) A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive-thru chapel in Las Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis.
So, how did you Yankee Doodle Do?
Mostly a's: You are in no way American and should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself! You probably still spell colour with a "u" and call your trousers "trousers" instead of pants. Try wearing a baseball cap and driving on the wrong side of the road a bit.
Mostly b's: Good try, but no kewpie doll. You're halfway there, but you could do better. Why not put a little white fence round your house and ask the postman to put your letters in a bread bin on a stick.
Mostly c's: Well hot diggety, you're as American as Uncle Sam with sassafras on rye. You were born on July the 4th and you've got Mom's apple pie and napalm coming out the buns of your ass! Take the fifth and have a nice fucking day, y'all.
Answer the following questions a, b or c. Tot up your score at the end to see how well you did.
1/ You decide that your relationship with your partner is over. How do you break the news that you are leaving? a)Leave a tearful note on the kitchen table and slip quietly away in the night. b) Sit down with your partner and calmly discuss the reasons for your decision. c) Attack him/her with a chair in front of a rabble of cheering, pumped-up trailer-trash vermins on national television?
2/ You are visiting Egypt and are concerned over the recent terrorist attacks on foreign nationals. What do you wear to remain inconspicuous? a) A tee-shirt and a pair of jeans. b)A Demis Roussoss tent dress, fez, a false beard and sunglasses. c) A high-rise baseball cap, trainers (sneakers) with knee length socks, an horrendous flowery shirt, Eric Morcambe shorts and 8 cameras?
3/ Where are you most likely to find your local copper? a) Outside his police house in the village, mending a puncture on his bicycle. b) Asleep in his patrol car, on a motorway flyover. c) On his yacht, wearing a pastel suit with the sleeves rolled up, feeding his pet crocodile.
4/ You are the political leader of your country. An interviewer asks you a question on foreign affairs. How do you respond? a) Knowledgeably, addressing the issues and answering all your points. b) As best you can, deftly steering the conversation towards topics on which you are better qualified to speak. c) Stand there grinning gormlessly, then throw up on the Japanese Prime Minister, before going home and getting sucked off by a fat-titted intern.
5/ You fancy a night in watching something funny on the telly. What kind of comedy show do you choose? a)A sitcom like Fawlty Towers or Father Ted. b) A sketch show like The Fast Show or Smack The Pony. c) A thinly disguised morality play set in a massive lounge where the audience whoop for 10 minutes, every time an overpaid actor makes an entrance to deliver a lightweight wisecrack.
6/ Your fourteen year old son is going through a difficult phase. He is becoming disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do? a) Don't worry, it's just a phase he's going through. You were the same at his age. b) Encourage him to get out more. Perhaps join a youth club or get involved in some team games. c) Take him to the local supermarket and buy him an arsenal of semi-automatic weapons and enough ammunition to de-populate New York during the commuting hours.
7) You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park. What do you need to take? a) A ball. b) A ball and a couple of coats to use as makeshift goalposts. c) A ball, 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armour, 20 cheer leaders in skimpy outfits, a marching souza-phone band with a grand piano on a trolley and a team of orthopaedic surgeons specialising in spinal injuries.
8) Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your toe on your wife's dressing table. What do you do? a) Shout and swear a little, after all it did hurt and you didn't have your slippers on at the time. b) Make a mental note to move the table as soon as possible to prevent it from happening again. c) Immiediatley phone a hotshot lawyer with an uptown reputation and sue your wife's and the table manufacturer's ass!
9) You are driving along a country road one day when you accidentally run over a rabbit. What do you do? a) Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet's if it's still alive. b) Carry on driving, but hope that it is still alive but if not, that it died quickly and as painlessly as possible. c) Strap it across the bonnet (hood) of your car and drive home hollering and whooping, throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window and urinating out of the sunroof.
10) You wake up one morning with a stiff neck after sleeping in an awkward position. What do you do? a) Ignore it, it will probably loosen up after a while. b) Take a couple of aspirins with a cup of coffee and get on with things. c) Take yourself to a prostitute addicted, tele-vangelist faith healer in an ill-fitting wig, who will lay his hand on your forehead, masturbate with the other, whilst screaming about the devil in front of an audience of gibbering in-breds.
11/ What do you have for breakfast? a) A bowl of cornflakes, a slice of toast and a mug of tea. b) A glass of orange juice, a croissant and a cup of black coffee. c) A bag of doughnuts with ice-cream, a 32 ounce steak with 6 eggs sunny side up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, a dozen waffles, five corn dogs and a diet root beer.
12/ What sort of car do you drive? a) A small economical runabout. b) A medium sized family saloon. c) A forty foot long, chromium plated jukebox with a TV and washing machine that does 1 mile to the gallon.
13/ You and your partner decide to get married. What sort of ceremony do you have? a) A quiet little do with a few friends in a registry office. b) A church service followed by a traditional reception at a fancy hotel. c) A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive-thru chapel in Las Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis.
So, how did you Yankee Doodle Do?
Mostly a's: You are in no way American and should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself! You probably still spell colour with a "u" and call your trousers "trousers" instead of pants. Try wearing a baseball cap and driving on the wrong side of the road a bit.
Mostly b's: Good try, but no kewpie doll. You're halfway there, but you could do better. Why not put a little white fence round your house and ask the postman to put your letters in a bread bin on a stick.
Mostly c's: Well hot diggety, you're as American as Uncle Sam with sassafras on rye. You were born on July the 4th and you've got Mom's apple pie and napalm coming out the buns of your ass! Take the fifth and have a nice fucking day, y'all.
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