Jaynin
4th Level Red Feather
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Okay, as you may have guessed, this thread is in celebration of my 1,000th post and it's also the very first thread I've ever started here. BUT WAIT! That's not all! In addition to this VERY special thread, you'll also get one of my *ahem* totally psycho stories.
This story is a repost of a fic I wrote some time ago, as a parody on the anime Excel Saga, and as a result it doesn't make very much sense. (It's not supposed to. All poor grammar is intended to reflect actual speech patterns.) Anyway, I'm just in a loony mood, although this fic DOES contain tickling as well. So, enjoy, or whatever. XD
ATF Saga 3: Way outta control!
Jaynin walked into the ATF Building sometime in that afternoon –
“Lord Il Palazzo! Why are we watching this?” Excel asked, scratching her head and doing a wavy crawl along the edges of the screen.
“Excel, do shut up, it’s not our turn to be onscreen!”
The Great Will of the Macrocosm sighed in exasperation.
Jaynin walked into the ATF Building sometime in that afternoon. “G-G-good afternoohoohoohoon!!!” the secretary squealed, using her feet to push her rolling chair along the tiled floor, trying to escape from Lucifer, who was tickling under her arms, thanks to her arms being tied to the chair arms. Her feet kicked wildly as she giggled, trying to kick Lucifer, but to no avail. “Lucifer, will you knock it off – “
A bright silvery beam struck Lucifer in the chest suddenly, catapulting him off his feet, through the front windows and across the street where the beam exploded. The glass shards that were blown inward from the pressure suddenly quivered and were then whole again as the façade of the ATF Building regenerated itself. Stepping around the desk, Jaynin untied the login secretary’s arms. “Thanks,” she said breathlessly, quickly preening and straightening herself before assuming her usual prim businesslike manner. “Okay. Login for Jaynin… done. You are now logged in. Have a nice day.”
Before Jaynin could thank the secretary, a loud and boisterous person strode through the front revolving doors. “OH YEAH! I’m back baby!” Sir Sapphire crowed, puffing himself up and doing an almost disgustingly smarmy walk up to the front desk. “Hey there, mind logging me in?” he asked the secretary with a wink.
“DIE! Ignorant commoners!” Excel smashed through the door and, laughing, unloaded three rockets from the launcher on her shoulder into the secretary’s desk.
As the smoke and rubble settled, Il Palazzo’s voice came on over a hidden loudspeaker. “Excel, haven’t I already told you not to start the mission until I say so?”
“I’m so sorry Lord Il Palazzo! Please excuse your Excel’s foolishness as her tiny braincells did not know what they were doing! Your Excel is truly sorry and is willing to accept any punishment to – AAAH! HAIL IL PALAZZO!” she yelled, echoing up the sides of the pit she had just fallen into.
-Reset!-
Sir Sapphire burst into the lobby. “OH YEAH! I’m back – “
“YAY!!” Sakie Shiva cried happily, breaking the revolving door off of its axis as she flew in the doors, mowing down Sap on her way to the login desk.
“Y-you’re logged in, Sakie. Have a nice day,” the secretary said, only mildly offset by the insane burst of energy.
“YAY! Hugs for everyone! Hehe!” Sakie started off by giving Jaynin a bone-crushing hug, then spotted Chibi coming out of the food court and zoomed over, mowing him down with another hug.
“AHH! Ive been huged n_n” Chibi exclaimed as he was left to drop limply on the floor, spiral-eyed. “Whee huging!” Sakie then spotted FF7 being most unobtrusive as he left the food court and headed for the elevator.
“HUGS!” Sakie giggled, hugging FF7 and then crashing through the elevator door, flying upwards through the vertical shaft. FF7 looked sideways at Jaynin.
“So your siccing the fangirls on me now?”
“Hey, this wasn’t MY idea,” Jaynin muttered, standing up and cracking his joints back into place. Sir Sapphire looked up from where he had been trampled.
“I didn’t get a hug?”
“I don’t think she noticed you,” Jaynin commented dryly, as the sound of another crash sounded faintly from somewhere higher up. Suddenly the screen began to rotate – “HEY! No resetting!” Jaynin yelled, pushing back against the screen and straightening it back out. “The building will fix itself!”
“Everyone’s a critic!” the Great Will of the Macrocosm fretted, scooting along and out of the building.
There was silence for several moments as FF7 stepped through the elevator doors that had not yet been fixed and made a vertical leap up the shaft. Muttering about showoffs, Sapphire dusted himself off and started in on the login secretary again.
There was a sudden scream from the maids’ quarters off to the side of the lobby. The normally padlocked and secured steel door flung open, cracking the wall where it slammed backwards, and the cleaning staff of the ATF poured out of their bunker-like quarters. “Nowhere’s safe anymore!” “They’re going to tickle us crazy!” “What about our deal?”
“What’s going on?” Sapphire asked, smoothly changing gears. “Do any of you ladies need help?”
From inside the room there was the faint sound of shouting male voices.
“Iwata you idiot! I told you this wasn’t the right way!”
“But I could have sworn that the map said to…”
“Never mind the map, you fools!” snarled a female voice. “You’ve already made enough of a mess as it is. Give me that!” Some kana characters floated up and out the door.
“Like YOU could have done any better, Sumiyoshi!”
“Oh quit bickering! Matsuya, wait up!”
Matsuya burst out of the doorway dramatically, wearing her tight-fitting bodysuit that more or less drew attention from across the room. The camera did a top-to-bottom pan of her in the dramatic pose, cutting to a shot of her butt and stopping just below her face, centered on her chest. “HEY! I’ve told you about that before!” Matsuya growled, and the camera hurriedly refocused on her face, then did a zoom-out and started printing out information – “You’re STILL not impressing me!” Quickly the camera zoomed back out for a normal establishing shot.
“Okay, okay,” Jaynin muttered, waving his hand in defeat.
-Reset!-
Jaynin thanked the login secretary and left Sap to flirt with her, racing Chibi and Liger for the elevator and resulting in a squeeze as the three of them reached the doors at the same time, causing a momentary traffic jam and then the three of them fell into the elevator car as it jerked to a fitful start, rising.
Calm elevator music played as Liger, Chibi and Jaynin ignored the muted rumbling and explosions of outside. “So what are you two going to do?” Jaynin asked as the elevator stopped on the Discussion floor.
“Make Bridge jokes!” they replied, stepping out into the hall. There they came to a dead stop. Doors with “Bridge’s office” on them lined the halls in every direction as far as they could see.
“MUAH HA HA HA!” Bridge’s voice burst from a hidden intercom. “Try and bother me NOW!!!”
Chibi shrugged and knocked on the first door. There was silence for a moment.
“I’m writing, dammit…”
The elevator doors closed, whisking Jaynin upwards. As he passed the artwork floor, there was the faint, muted sound of someone calling a name. When he realized that the name was “Mihoshi…” he shook his head in exasperation and willed the elevator to go upward faster. Finally it reached the seventh floor, and Jaynin literally ran to begin his writing.
“Can we go on now?”
“Yes, Excel, it’s our turn.”
“HAIL IL PALAZZO!” Excel screamed at the top of her lungs. “The mighty and all-knowing Lord Il Palazzo! Lord Il Palazzo is the best! The best of the best of the best of the – “ Excel was suddenly playing a bass drum, a trumpet, trombone, flute and cymbals all at once, while waving flags with Il Palazzo’s face on them. As usual, he ignored Excel completely and let her parade around the room, making noise, and said, “Agent Hyatt, lately I have been thinking about our plan to conquer the city…”
“Yes, Lord Il Palazzo?” Hyatt asked, quiet voice barely audible over Excel’s racket. A racket that ceased rather abruptly as Excel danced over her usual spot and Il Palazzo sprung the trapdoor. “Have we not been fulfilling our duties?”
“I’m afraid that perhaps we have set our sights too high… To conquer an entire city of people at once is perhaps trying to accomplish too much, especially given our… personnel issues.”
“We need to recruit for the great ideological organization ACROSS!” Excel proclaimed, pulling herself out of the pit. “Yes! Lord Il Palazzo wants his Excel to go and recruit new members so that we can take over the city at a faster rate! Although Excel isn’t sure since her braincells are now dying as she considers how to possibly accomplish this but no matter what Excel will follow Lord Il Palazzo’s orders and – HAIL IL PALAAAAAAAAAAAAAZO!!!”
“As I was saying, Agent Hyatt, I think that we should set our sights lower once again, and concentrate on the conquest of a single edifice. Being aware as we are that there are government counter-operations meant to disrupt the progress of ACROSS, this time we shall target a non-government building. In fact, this should make the mission doubly easy, as the decadent capitalists will be corrupt enough that they will be unable to take effective action against you two.”
“So you are saying that Senior Excel and I should infiltrate the top levels of this organization we are targeting and execute a quiet takeover?”
“Brilliant as usual, Hyatt, worth of considerable praise…”
“PRAISE?!” Excel screeched, catapulting out of the pit once again. “No! Why does Hyatt get the praise that Excel wants? Excel never gets Lord Il Palazzo’s praise. Why does…”
“Just… start the mission, Hyatt,” Il Palazzo said, sighing in exasperation.
“You haven’t yet told us of our target, sir…” Hyatt said quietly.
“Well… to be honest, Agent Hyatt, not all of the required pieces are in place…” Il Palazzo looked into the camera and harrumphed loudly.
There was silence for a moment.
“Agent Excel, could you…”
“OF COURSE! Anything for my lord Il Palazzo! Anythinganythinganything just tell Excel what her mission is and she will execute it without delay!!!”
“…could you… you know… tell him?”
Excel blinked. “Ahh yes! The permission! It has not been given! This anime hasn’t been given permission to change – “
“IKoshiRikdoherebygivemypermissiontochangetheExcelSagaanimeintoaticklingfanfictionandparody!!! Please don’t hurt me!!!”
-Approved!-
“There we go,” Il Palazzo said. “Now then. Your mission is to infiltrate this building…” he pushed a button and the screen lowered, with a picture of the ATF Building showing on it.
“That building?! Excel can already see the corrupt capitalists that must inhabit such an imposing edifice such as that and we will have no trouble doing so Lord Il Palazzo sir how do we get there I want to start the mission as soon as possible and – “
“This way.” Il Palazzo sprung the trap once again on the wildly babbling Excel. “Hyatt, you can take the third door on the left.”
“Very much appreciated, sir,” Hyatt said.
“Okay, I don’t understand why we always have be going through the sewer,” Watanabe complained, holding the flashlight. Ever since that episode with the laser gun, only Matsuya had been given any weaponry at all to hold. Especially since Iwata had a rather itchy trigger finger. And also a lack of common sense. For some reason Matsuya’s repeated blows to the face, groin, and other soft areas of the body failed to make an impression. Or rather, they made impressions on Iwata’s body, usually fist- or foot-shaped, but no apparent impression in his mind.
“Who knows,” Matsuya said in an exasperated tone, though that probably resulted more from the constant attempted lechery of Iwata than anything else. “Or perhaps it could be that you stuck us in a sewer without any plot introduction at all, you lazy bastard of a writer!” Matsuya commented at the camera.
“Yeah, how DID we get down here in the first place?” Watanabe complained. Sumiyoshi replied with some floating kana.
-Think back to the briefing- he wrote.
“What briefing?” Watanabe protested. “There was no briefing!”
“Then allow me to flashback! If that’s okay with you Misaki,” Iwata chimed in.
“I told you not to call me by my first name! And I don’t want to be part of any of your flashbacks!” Matsuya growled.
“Yeah, you always flash back to things that never happened!” Watanabe added. “It’s more of your deluded fantasies than a flashback if you ask – “
Suddenly Matsuya was separated from the three men by an iron grate that clanged down across the sewer tunnel. “Oh great, how much more cliché can you get?” she grumbled.
“Yeah, everyone always knows that they always separate the girl from the rest of the team before doing something really terrible or – “
-What do we do?- Sumiyoshi broke in. –There is another tunnel to our right-
“Don’t worry, Misaki, we’ll save you!” Iwata cried, pressing his face to the iron bars of the grate and earning an elbow in the face.
“I don’t need saving. You three take that side passage and we’ll try to meet up ahead.” Matsuya shouldered her weapon and strode off into the darkness.
“Now… what cliché trick are they going to pull…” She spent a lot of time looking at the sewage floating past and the dark ceiling above. Which meant she smoothly stepped right on the trap door that swung out under her feet and led her into a chute. “Oh perfect!” she growled. “I can’t believe they got me with that!”
Matsuya slid and landed with a bump in a cylindrical room, with a high roof and a very high-tech appearance. There was a large pane of tinted glass covering one side of the cylinder. The darkness was rectified as the lights flashed on and a computerized female voice announced, “Test cycle commencing. Subject #523100400A has entered the testing room. Please stand by.”
“Oh no you don’t! Test cycle? What the hell – “ Matsuya spotted her laser rifle laying on the metallic floor some distance away from where she had fallen. “Got to get over – gah! Damn boots! Damn floor!” she cursed, unable to get a good footing with the boots of her tight, revealing combat suit against the slick metal floor – “I said cut the ‘tight, revealing’ crap!” Matsuya groused.
“Test pattern one commencing. Initiating…” The clichéd robotic hands suddenly started to appear from holes that sprouted in the walls and floor, waving their way slowly to Matsuya.
“Oh give me a break!” Matsuya complained, kicking and chopping at the slow-moving and clumsy robot hands that were trying to grab her wrists and ankles. “This isn’t even a GOOD cliché. Why don’t you try something more effective?”
Fine, I will. And also let it be noted that after further review of the story, the author would like to point out that this is the FIRST version of the combat suit, not the second uber-powerful one that’s green and stuff.
Like lightning four more robotic arms appeared while Matsuya was distracted with the decoys. But these arms had steel shackles on the end of them, and just like that Matsuya was caught and lifted into the air, struggling slightly. “Oh you bastard! That was a cheap shot!”
The author duly notes the cheap shot. Moving on…
With Matsuya unable to resist, the slow robot hands suddenly dropped their silly cartoon act and began to zero in on her. Struggling, Matsuya wasn’t sure if she wanted to know what this experiment was about. “Begin test pattern one,” the voice announced. The hands, only a pair at first, lightly pawed at her sides. Matsuya clamped her mouth shut, fighting a giggle. “Wh-what the hell is this? St-stoppit!!” Unfortunately for Matsuya the material of the combat suit somehow only made the robotic hands’ touch tickle more, making it harder for her to resist the smile that came to her face – “Since when dehahhaha does the suit do thahahat?” she demanded.
It does that because A) the author is lazy and B) he has had enough of your smart-mouthing him. Continuing…
Two by two, the hands began to move to other places on her upper body, tickling at her stomach, ribs and underarms as well, with one finger tickling at her bellybutton. “AHhahHAHAhAHAHHAhaH hahaahh you bahahahahstard! Stop stahhahahap this yhahahah ahhhah ehehehh you psycho frehehehehehehheak!!!” Matsuya tossed back her head, ponytail swaying as her head shook with laughter, but she wasn’t able to free herself.
After maybe a minute or so of this, the voice announced: “Test pattern one completed. Now compiling data…” The hands withdrew, though not the shackles.
“Oh screw you!” Matsuya said as she struggled in vain to free herself from the strong grip and get her laser rifle that was still laying tantalizingly close. “Let me out of this damn contraption! You’ve had your fun, now let me go!”
“Initializing test pattern two. Stand by…” Two of the hands came back out, but this pair began to tug at Matsuya’s boots. “Oh. Great. Just great,” she sighed in exasperation. “Well, will you just get this over with? I mean, you’ve already taken up almost an entire page with this scene already.”
Reluctantly, the author notes that Matsuya has a point here, and will take action to speed up the scene.
Suddenly Matsuya was completely without boots and two hands holding fluffy white feathers started stroking up and down her soles. The suddenness of the attack made Matsuya squeal with laughter – “I dhahHAHhaHAhahaHAahhehEHEehehEh don’t squeehehehehehehehal!!!!” she protested, wiggling her toes furiously to try and grab the feathers out of the hands’ grasp. Reacting to this, the shackle-arms opened little holes at the joint and clasped each of Matsuya’s big toes in a small but strong steel ring, which halted the majority of the wiggling. “AHHAH AHAHAHAHA HAHEHEHEH EYOU HAHAHAH JERK! STHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAP NOW!! LEMME GOOOHOHAHAHAHAHAHHAHOOOOO!!!!”
As she struggled and laughed uncontrollably, Matsuya shot irritated glances at the large pane of tinted glass that took up one side of the cylindrical chamber. Whoever was running this damn thing was obviously behind that – and if she could just reach her laser rifle, maybe she could… “HAHAHAHAHA!! HEHEHEHheEHEHeHEH AHAHAH sTAHHAHAHAAHHAP!!! GYAHAHAHHAAHAahHAAHAHHA!!” The feathers on her feet had multiplied to four now, with two brushing up and down her shapely soles while two more took advantage of her mostly immobilized toes and slid the feathery edges in and out between her toes. “HEHHEEHHEH AH AAHHAHA GHHAHHAAHAHD YOU BASTARD!!! STHAHAHAHAP IT LEMME GO!!!! HEHEHEH!!” Matsuya writhed and struggled helplessly in the iron grip of her shackles.
Finally the voice announced, “Test pattern two now complete. Compiling data from test patterns one and two… Temporary subject rest recommended.” The hands and shackles all withdrew, setting Matsuya onto the ground as a giggling, twitching lump.
Behind the tinted glass, Jaynin closed his laptop and called the elevator to return to the above floors of the ATF.
“Excel is falling and falling and falling and falling some more though Excel doesn’t know where this falling is taking her she sure knows that it’s a very long drop! Wheee!!! Excel can’t even see the light from ACROSS headquarters anymore and yet she is still falling! Lord Il Palazzo must have hired some more help to extend the length of the pit and while Excel does not mind falling every day if she takes too long to fall she cannot be of service to Lord Il Palazzo and – “
WHAM! Excel struck the floor making an Excel-shaped hole in the carpet. “Excel has finally finished falling! But although she has fallen for a long time, she is somehow inside a building!” Excel scratched her head, not seeing the bodiless white hand that was floating up behind her “Excel wonders where she could have gotten to. Perhaps this is the place Lord Il Palazzo wanted Excel to take over? Yes! That is what it has to be! Your loyal Excel is starting on her mission Lord Il Palazzo and – EEEK!”
Excel jumped from the poke as if being hurled by a catapult and smashed into the wall opposite her. “Whoa! That surprised Excel! Hey you! Hand!” she said, glaring at the white bodiless hand that was floating in midair before her. “Do not poke Excel for it tickles her and Excel cannot waste time in being tickled if she is to accomplish – HehehEHEHEHEH! Another!” she proclaimed, leaping backwards as she was poked in the side by a second disembodied hand. “Hey you! Hands! Stop in the tickling of Excel! She is ticklish and does not wish to be stopped from accomplishing her – HEY! HEHE!!! AHA! HAHAH!” Excel crashed into another wall, giggling like a gibbering maniac as the two hands followed her, index fingers poking into her sides. As she laid on the carpet swirly-eyed, two more hands took hold of her wrists and pinned her to the floor, allowing the first two free reign to poke and prod at her sides and stomach. The result was as could be expected.
“NONONONONONSTOPTHATEXCELISTOOTICKLISHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHEHEHESTOPINYOURPOKINGOFEXCELNOW!!! HAHAHAHHEHEHEHAAAAHEXCELISGOINGCRAZYAHHAHAHAWELLEXCELISALREADYCRAZYBUTSHEISBECOMINGEVENMORESOEHEHEHEHHEE
HEHEHBECAUSETHETICKLINGWON’TSTOP!!!!” Excel’s legs kicked up and around at such a blinding pace that they became an indistinct swirl of motion as they tended to do when moving quickly.
Excel’s racket and commotion was drawing attention and all of those on the Artwork floor, where she had happened to land, were peeking into the gallery where Sakie currently sat, humming to herself softly and completely oblivious to the screeching and manic energy from the other room as she drew on her sketchpad.
“Drawing Excel?” Kahoshiden asked, coming into the gallery and taking a seat. Sakie merely nodded and continued, making a change and generally showing outward signs of concentration.
HDS poked his head into the gallery as well to see what the fuss was, and he too took a seat. “This is… interesting.” He snickered. “It looks pretty interesting, Sakie… even down to the crazy eyes.” HDS took a seat and watched the proceedings as both he and Kahoshiden fell silent watching through the tinted pane of glass.
Meanwhile Excel was currently jabbering at a mile a minute, even less coherent than normal as she tried to fit her normal hyperactive speech around equally hyperactive laughter. Some more hands were trying to take hold of her boots but that was proving difficult. “NAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHLEAVEEXCEL’SBOOTSALONESTUPIDHANDAHAHHAHA
EXCELWILLGETYOUALLWHENSHEGETSFREHEEHHEHEEE! STOPSTOPSTOPSTOP!!! NAHAHHA! EHHEE! AHAA! AAAH! OHIKNOW! HAHHAHAHAahhaAHAHA!!!” Excel suddenly went flat and deflated from being tickled, and her two-dimensional body slipped from the hands’ grasp, wriggling along the carpet and sliding out underneath the crack of the door.
Sakie, Kahoshiden and HDS blinked in confusion. “So… was that supposed to happen?” HDS asked.
Hyatt had meanwhile disguised herself as a part of the cleaning staff, which in the ATF Building meant that she wore a maid’s costume. Hyatt didn’t seem to mind, as usual, simply humming quietly to herself as she did a slow, methodical search of the building, although the pace of the search was more determined by her physical condition than anything else. “Oh? What is this?” she asked curiously, coming to a door marked “Anime 3:16’s office”. “I have a feeling that I should be checking in here, otherwise the plot may never advance,” Hyatt said as she turned the doorknob and opened the surprisingly unlocked door.
“I have an oddly specific feeling that this is the room Senior and I should be looking for… well, I guess I’ll try seeing what is on this computer.” Hyatt sat down in the rolling chair positioned behind the large desk on the far side of the room and peered at the computer screen. “Enter password… oh my, I hadn’t expected this. Well, I guess there’s nothing to do but try random passwords.” Hyatt daintily typed in ‘across’ for the password and clicked ‘OK’.
-Error! Incorrect password- the computer terminal admonished her with a beep. “Well… perhaps the password is…” Hyatt next entered ‘ilpalazzo’ and clicked ‘OK’ once more. –Error! Incorrect password! Warning: another failure will cause system security measures!- “Oh dear, I suppose I should be more careful this time,” Hyatt said, clearing the password box and typing in after some consideration ‘atfbuilding’.
-Error! Incorrect password! Implementing security measures…- “Oh dear,” Hyatt murmured, slightly taken aback. “Perhaps I should have waited for Senior Excel…? Oh!” she gasped in surprise as the chair sprouted shackles that clamped over her wrists and ankles. “I did not realize that the security measures were physical… oh well! I suppose I shall have to wait for Senior to come to my aid. Huh?” Hyatt wondered as she saw a panel in the floor slide back near where her shackled feet were positioned, and two hands on the end of robotic arms tugged her shoes free, then retracted and came back out holding a pair of backscratchers, which they began to run up and down Hyatt’s nylon-clad soles.
“Oh! Heheheeheheheheeheheheh hahaahah no stop… that tickles!!! I’m… hehehehe… feeling faint…. Hehahahahahahaaaaaa….” Hyatt slumped back in the chair and her eyes rolled into her head.
-Intruder incapacitated- the computer screen flashed before releasing the shackles and retracting the hands, leaving Hyatt to slump limply in the office chair.
“Aha! Excel has been led by the lazy writer to exactly the spot she must be searching for!” Excel proclaimed as she suddenly walked up to the cracked-open office door. “Thank you lazy writer!” Excel kicked the door open dramatically and yelled, “Okay, boss man, this building is now under the control of the ideological organization ACROSS!” Excel blinked. “Oh, Hat-chan! I guess you must have gotten here before me – BUT YOU DIED AGAIN! Hat-chan, how can you accomplish the mission if you die from just trying to use a computer? Ahh well! It’s up to me!” Excel shoved the chair aside with such force that it broke through the window that took up one entire side of the office, with Hyatt still in it, and began plunging to the ground. “Oops! Maybe Excel was a little too enthusiastic – but that doesn’t matter! All that matters now is gaining entry to this computer and our mission will be accomplished! Although how doing this is going to let ACROSS control the building Excel does not know but it is in the script so therefore she must try! Hmm…” Excel said, staring at the password box. “Okay Excel you’ve hacked into secret computers before although that was really just dumb luck and someone scribbling on the wall of the toilet stall but hey there’s no reason why it can’t work here! Think Excel think!” she muttered, pressing her fingers against her temples and spinning her head around in a circle.
“Maybe this will help, Senior?” Hyatt asked, handing Excel a slip of paper.
“Ahh! Hat-chan when did you get back here and more importantly where did you find that piece of paper! Nevermind that give me the paper!” Excel shouted, snatching the sticky note and reading the one word that was written on it. “Aha! Excel thinks she knows that this is the password for the computer!” Excel typed in ‘mina’.
-Welcome Anime 3:16- the dialog box said before booting up Windows XP.
“We did it!” Excel and Hyatt exclaimed. Hyatt took a CD out of a hidden pocket and opened the CD tray. “Hyatt what are you doing with that thing? This is no time to play games we have to figure out what to – “
“Lord Il Palazzo told me to put this CD into the boss’ computer once we found it,” Hyatt explained with a smile. “It will let ACROSS headquarters hack into the system and take control of it, thus giving us control of the building.”
“Ahh! That’s such genius as only my beloved Lord Il Palazzo could think of! What a wonderful way to conquer the city building by building – HEY! Why was Hat-chan given the CD to carry and not Excel? Does Lord Il Palazzo not trust Excel enough to entrust her with the most vital item for this mission! Or wait! Yes! Lord Il Palazzo wanted Excel to act as a distraction for the strange security in this place and let Hat-chan sneak into the office of the boss! Yes! That must be – “
“Excel, do shut up,” Il Palazzo said, his face replacing the screen on the computer monitor and his hand holding a very familiar rope that he pulled, sending Excel hurtling to the depths of a pit. “Agent Hyatt, excellent work. This building’s computer and security systems are now under ACROSS control.” Il Palazzo made an adjustment off-screen and when he spoke again, his voice boomed out from every loudspeaker in the ATF Building. “Now hear this, ignorant citizens, your building has now come under ACROSS control. ACROSS is an ideological organization dedicated to conquering the world and replacing the wasteful, decadent society that exists today with a new order, one that will be strong and pure. In short, your corporation has been taken over by ACROSS and you are expected to make all due efforts at compliance with ACROSS rule.”
Down in the Discussion floor, Shadow turned to Raichyll and scratched his head. “Hey, weren’t we going to take over the building?”
Raichyll pouted. “They beat us to it, sempai!”
“In any case, until such time as we can properly assimilate your corporate structure into the hierarchy of ACROSS, you will all take orders from the agent in place, Agent Hyatt…”
“But what about me Lord Il Palazzo?” Excel’s voice burst onto the speaker. “I’m here too!”
“…Oh fine, and you also will take orders from Agent Excel… but anyway, consider this your first and final warning… Any attempts to inhibit or counteract the actions of ACROSS members will be dealt with harshly… that is all!”
There was silence all throughout the building as the members of the ATF digested what had just been said to them. Then Chibi shrugged and turned back to the door he had been standing outside of for the entire episode and knocked. “Hey Bridge, you should come up with a cool nickname for yourself like ‘Golden Gate’ or ‘Brooklyn’! XD”
To Be Continued…….
Today’s Mission…….success!
This story is a repost of a fic I wrote some time ago, as a parody on the anime Excel Saga, and as a result it doesn't make very much sense. (It's not supposed to. All poor grammar is intended to reflect actual speech patterns.) Anyway, I'm just in a loony mood, although this fic DOES contain tickling as well. So, enjoy, or whatever. XD
ATF Saga 3: Way outta control!
Jaynin walked into the ATF Building sometime in that afternoon –
“Lord Il Palazzo! Why are we watching this?” Excel asked, scratching her head and doing a wavy crawl along the edges of the screen.
“Excel, do shut up, it’s not our turn to be onscreen!”
The Great Will of the Macrocosm sighed in exasperation.
Jaynin walked into the ATF Building sometime in that afternoon. “G-G-good afternoohoohoohoon!!!” the secretary squealed, using her feet to push her rolling chair along the tiled floor, trying to escape from Lucifer, who was tickling under her arms, thanks to her arms being tied to the chair arms. Her feet kicked wildly as she giggled, trying to kick Lucifer, but to no avail. “Lucifer, will you knock it off – “
A bright silvery beam struck Lucifer in the chest suddenly, catapulting him off his feet, through the front windows and across the street where the beam exploded. The glass shards that were blown inward from the pressure suddenly quivered and were then whole again as the façade of the ATF Building regenerated itself. Stepping around the desk, Jaynin untied the login secretary’s arms. “Thanks,” she said breathlessly, quickly preening and straightening herself before assuming her usual prim businesslike manner. “Okay. Login for Jaynin… done. You are now logged in. Have a nice day.”
Before Jaynin could thank the secretary, a loud and boisterous person strode through the front revolving doors. “OH YEAH! I’m back baby!” Sir Sapphire crowed, puffing himself up and doing an almost disgustingly smarmy walk up to the front desk. “Hey there, mind logging me in?” he asked the secretary with a wink.
“DIE! Ignorant commoners!” Excel smashed through the door and, laughing, unloaded three rockets from the launcher on her shoulder into the secretary’s desk.
As the smoke and rubble settled, Il Palazzo’s voice came on over a hidden loudspeaker. “Excel, haven’t I already told you not to start the mission until I say so?”
“I’m so sorry Lord Il Palazzo! Please excuse your Excel’s foolishness as her tiny braincells did not know what they were doing! Your Excel is truly sorry and is willing to accept any punishment to – AAAH! HAIL IL PALAZZO!” she yelled, echoing up the sides of the pit she had just fallen into.
-Reset!-
Sir Sapphire burst into the lobby. “OH YEAH! I’m back – “
“YAY!!” Sakie Shiva cried happily, breaking the revolving door off of its axis as she flew in the doors, mowing down Sap on her way to the login desk.
“Y-you’re logged in, Sakie. Have a nice day,” the secretary said, only mildly offset by the insane burst of energy.
“YAY! Hugs for everyone! Hehe!” Sakie started off by giving Jaynin a bone-crushing hug, then spotted Chibi coming out of the food court and zoomed over, mowing him down with another hug.
“AHH! Ive been huged n_n” Chibi exclaimed as he was left to drop limply on the floor, spiral-eyed. “Whee huging!” Sakie then spotted FF7 being most unobtrusive as he left the food court and headed for the elevator.
“HUGS!” Sakie giggled, hugging FF7 and then crashing through the elevator door, flying upwards through the vertical shaft. FF7 looked sideways at Jaynin.
“So your siccing the fangirls on me now?”
“Hey, this wasn’t MY idea,” Jaynin muttered, standing up and cracking his joints back into place. Sir Sapphire looked up from where he had been trampled.
“I didn’t get a hug?”
“I don’t think she noticed you,” Jaynin commented dryly, as the sound of another crash sounded faintly from somewhere higher up. Suddenly the screen began to rotate – “HEY! No resetting!” Jaynin yelled, pushing back against the screen and straightening it back out. “The building will fix itself!”
“Everyone’s a critic!” the Great Will of the Macrocosm fretted, scooting along and out of the building.
There was silence for several moments as FF7 stepped through the elevator doors that had not yet been fixed and made a vertical leap up the shaft. Muttering about showoffs, Sapphire dusted himself off and started in on the login secretary again.
There was a sudden scream from the maids’ quarters off to the side of the lobby. The normally padlocked and secured steel door flung open, cracking the wall where it slammed backwards, and the cleaning staff of the ATF poured out of their bunker-like quarters. “Nowhere’s safe anymore!” “They’re going to tickle us crazy!” “What about our deal?”
“What’s going on?” Sapphire asked, smoothly changing gears. “Do any of you ladies need help?”
From inside the room there was the faint sound of shouting male voices.
“Iwata you idiot! I told you this wasn’t the right way!”
“But I could have sworn that the map said to…”
“Never mind the map, you fools!” snarled a female voice. “You’ve already made enough of a mess as it is. Give me that!” Some kana characters floated up and out the door.
“Like YOU could have done any better, Sumiyoshi!”
“Oh quit bickering! Matsuya, wait up!”
Matsuya burst out of the doorway dramatically, wearing her tight-fitting bodysuit that more or less drew attention from across the room. The camera did a top-to-bottom pan of her in the dramatic pose, cutting to a shot of her butt and stopping just below her face, centered on her chest. “HEY! I’ve told you about that before!” Matsuya growled, and the camera hurriedly refocused on her face, then did a zoom-out and started printing out information – “You’re STILL not impressing me!” Quickly the camera zoomed back out for a normal establishing shot.
“Okay, okay,” Jaynin muttered, waving his hand in defeat.
-Reset!-
Jaynin thanked the login secretary and left Sap to flirt with her, racing Chibi and Liger for the elevator and resulting in a squeeze as the three of them reached the doors at the same time, causing a momentary traffic jam and then the three of them fell into the elevator car as it jerked to a fitful start, rising.
Calm elevator music played as Liger, Chibi and Jaynin ignored the muted rumbling and explosions of outside. “So what are you two going to do?” Jaynin asked as the elevator stopped on the Discussion floor.
“Make Bridge jokes!” they replied, stepping out into the hall. There they came to a dead stop. Doors with “Bridge’s office” on them lined the halls in every direction as far as they could see.
“MUAH HA HA HA!” Bridge’s voice burst from a hidden intercom. “Try and bother me NOW!!!”
Chibi shrugged and knocked on the first door. There was silence for a moment.
“I’m writing, dammit…”
The elevator doors closed, whisking Jaynin upwards. As he passed the artwork floor, there was the faint, muted sound of someone calling a name. When he realized that the name was “Mihoshi…” he shook his head in exasperation and willed the elevator to go upward faster. Finally it reached the seventh floor, and Jaynin literally ran to begin his writing.
“Can we go on now?”
“Yes, Excel, it’s our turn.”
“HAIL IL PALAZZO!” Excel screamed at the top of her lungs. “The mighty and all-knowing Lord Il Palazzo! Lord Il Palazzo is the best! The best of the best of the best of the – “ Excel was suddenly playing a bass drum, a trumpet, trombone, flute and cymbals all at once, while waving flags with Il Palazzo’s face on them. As usual, he ignored Excel completely and let her parade around the room, making noise, and said, “Agent Hyatt, lately I have been thinking about our plan to conquer the city…”
“Yes, Lord Il Palazzo?” Hyatt asked, quiet voice barely audible over Excel’s racket. A racket that ceased rather abruptly as Excel danced over her usual spot and Il Palazzo sprung the trapdoor. “Have we not been fulfilling our duties?”
“I’m afraid that perhaps we have set our sights too high… To conquer an entire city of people at once is perhaps trying to accomplish too much, especially given our… personnel issues.”
“We need to recruit for the great ideological organization ACROSS!” Excel proclaimed, pulling herself out of the pit. “Yes! Lord Il Palazzo wants his Excel to go and recruit new members so that we can take over the city at a faster rate! Although Excel isn’t sure since her braincells are now dying as she considers how to possibly accomplish this but no matter what Excel will follow Lord Il Palazzo’s orders and – HAIL IL PALAAAAAAAAAAAAAZO!!!”
“As I was saying, Agent Hyatt, I think that we should set our sights lower once again, and concentrate on the conquest of a single edifice. Being aware as we are that there are government counter-operations meant to disrupt the progress of ACROSS, this time we shall target a non-government building. In fact, this should make the mission doubly easy, as the decadent capitalists will be corrupt enough that they will be unable to take effective action against you two.”
“So you are saying that Senior Excel and I should infiltrate the top levels of this organization we are targeting and execute a quiet takeover?”
“Brilliant as usual, Hyatt, worth of considerable praise…”
“PRAISE?!” Excel screeched, catapulting out of the pit once again. “No! Why does Hyatt get the praise that Excel wants? Excel never gets Lord Il Palazzo’s praise. Why does…”
“Just… start the mission, Hyatt,” Il Palazzo said, sighing in exasperation.
“You haven’t yet told us of our target, sir…” Hyatt said quietly.
“Well… to be honest, Agent Hyatt, not all of the required pieces are in place…” Il Palazzo looked into the camera and harrumphed loudly.
There was silence for a moment.
“Agent Excel, could you…”
“OF COURSE! Anything for my lord Il Palazzo! Anythinganythinganything just tell Excel what her mission is and she will execute it without delay!!!”
“…could you… you know… tell him?”
Excel blinked. “Ahh yes! The permission! It has not been given! This anime hasn’t been given permission to change – “
“IKoshiRikdoherebygivemypermissiontochangetheExcelSagaanimeintoaticklingfanfictionandparody!!! Please don’t hurt me!!!”
-Approved!-
“There we go,” Il Palazzo said. “Now then. Your mission is to infiltrate this building…” he pushed a button and the screen lowered, with a picture of the ATF Building showing on it.
“That building?! Excel can already see the corrupt capitalists that must inhabit such an imposing edifice such as that and we will have no trouble doing so Lord Il Palazzo sir how do we get there I want to start the mission as soon as possible and – “
“This way.” Il Palazzo sprung the trap once again on the wildly babbling Excel. “Hyatt, you can take the third door on the left.”
“Very much appreciated, sir,” Hyatt said.
“Okay, I don’t understand why we always have be going through the sewer,” Watanabe complained, holding the flashlight. Ever since that episode with the laser gun, only Matsuya had been given any weaponry at all to hold. Especially since Iwata had a rather itchy trigger finger. And also a lack of common sense. For some reason Matsuya’s repeated blows to the face, groin, and other soft areas of the body failed to make an impression. Or rather, they made impressions on Iwata’s body, usually fist- or foot-shaped, but no apparent impression in his mind.
“Who knows,” Matsuya said in an exasperated tone, though that probably resulted more from the constant attempted lechery of Iwata than anything else. “Or perhaps it could be that you stuck us in a sewer without any plot introduction at all, you lazy bastard of a writer!” Matsuya commented at the camera.
“Yeah, how DID we get down here in the first place?” Watanabe complained. Sumiyoshi replied with some floating kana.
-Think back to the briefing- he wrote.
“What briefing?” Watanabe protested. “There was no briefing!”
“Then allow me to flashback! If that’s okay with you Misaki,” Iwata chimed in.
“I told you not to call me by my first name! And I don’t want to be part of any of your flashbacks!” Matsuya growled.
“Yeah, you always flash back to things that never happened!” Watanabe added. “It’s more of your deluded fantasies than a flashback if you ask – “
Suddenly Matsuya was separated from the three men by an iron grate that clanged down across the sewer tunnel. “Oh great, how much more cliché can you get?” she grumbled.
“Yeah, everyone always knows that they always separate the girl from the rest of the team before doing something really terrible or – “
-What do we do?- Sumiyoshi broke in. –There is another tunnel to our right-
“Don’t worry, Misaki, we’ll save you!” Iwata cried, pressing his face to the iron bars of the grate and earning an elbow in the face.
“I don’t need saving. You three take that side passage and we’ll try to meet up ahead.” Matsuya shouldered her weapon and strode off into the darkness.
“Now… what cliché trick are they going to pull…” She spent a lot of time looking at the sewage floating past and the dark ceiling above. Which meant she smoothly stepped right on the trap door that swung out under her feet and led her into a chute. “Oh perfect!” she growled. “I can’t believe they got me with that!”
Matsuya slid and landed with a bump in a cylindrical room, with a high roof and a very high-tech appearance. There was a large pane of tinted glass covering one side of the cylinder. The darkness was rectified as the lights flashed on and a computerized female voice announced, “Test cycle commencing. Subject #523100400A has entered the testing room. Please stand by.”
“Oh no you don’t! Test cycle? What the hell – “ Matsuya spotted her laser rifle laying on the metallic floor some distance away from where she had fallen. “Got to get over – gah! Damn boots! Damn floor!” she cursed, unable to get a good footing with the boots of her tight, revealing combat suit against the slick metal floor – “I said cut the ‘tight, revealing’ crap!” Matsuya groused.
“Test pattern one commencing. Initiating…” The clichéd robotic hands suddenly started to appear from holes that sprouted in the walls and floor, waving their way slowly to Matsuya.
“Oh give me a break!” Matsuya complained, kicking and chopping at the slow-moving and clumsy robot hands that were trying to grab her wrists and ankles. “This isn’t even a GOOD cliché. Why don’t you try something more effective?”
Fine, I will. And also let it be noted that after further review of the story, the author would like to point out that this is the FIRST version of the combat suit, not the second uber-powerful one that’s green and stuff.
Like lightning four more robotic arms appeared while Matsuya was distracted with the decoys. But these arms had steel shackles on the end of them, and just like that Matsuya was caught and lifted into the air, struggling slightly. “Oh you bastard! That was a cheap shot!”
The author duly notes the cheap shot. Moving on…
With Matsuya unable to resist, the slow robot hands suddenly dropped their silly cartoon act and began to zero in on her. Struggling, Matsuya wasn’t sure if she wanted to know what this experiment was about. “Begin test pattern one,” the voice announced. The hands, only a pair at first, lightly pawed at her sides. Matsuya clamped her mouth shut, fighting a giggle. “Wh-what the hell is this? St-stoppit!!” Unfortunately for Matsuya the material of the combat suit somehow only made the robotic hands’ touch tickle more, making it harder for her to resist the smile that came to her face – “Since when dehahhaha does the suit do thahahat?” she demanded.
It does that because A) the author is lazy and B) he has had enough of your smart-mouthing him. Continuing…
Two by two, the hands began to move to other places on her upper body, tickling at her stomach, ribs and underarms as well, with one finger tickling at her bellybutton. “AHhahHAHAhAHAHHAhaH hahaahh you bahahahahstard! Stop stahhahahap this yhahahah ahhhah ehehehh you psycho frehehehehehehheak!!!” Matsuya tossed back her head, ponytail swaying as her head shook with laughter, but she wasn’t able to free herself.
After maybe a minute or so of this, the voice announced: “Test pattern one completed. Now compiling data…” The hands withdrew, though not the shackles.
“Oh screw you!” Matsuya said as she struggled in vain to free herself from the strong grip and get her laser rifle that was still laying tantalizingly close. “Let me out of this damn contraption! You’ve had your fun, now let me go!”
“Initializing test pattern two. Stand by…” Two of the hands came back out, but this pair began to tug at Matsuya’s boots. “Oh. Great. Just great,” she sighed in exasperation. “Well, will you just get this over with? I mean, you’ve already taken up almost an entire page with this scene already.”
Reluctantly, the author notes that Matsuya has a point here, and will take action to speed up the scene.
Suddenly Matsuya was completely without boots and two hands holding fluffy white feathers started stroking up and down her soles. The suddenness of the attack made Matsuya squeal with laughter – “I dhahHAHhaHAhahaHAahhehEHEehehEh don’t squeehehehehehehehal!!!!” she protested, wiggling her toes furiously to try and grab the feathers out of the hands’ grasp. Reacting to this, the shackle-arms opened little holes at the joint and clasped each of Matsuya’s big toes in a small but strong steel ring, which halted the majority of the wiggling. “AHHAH AHAHAHAHA HAHEHEHEH EYOU HAHAHAH JERK! STHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAP NOW!! LEMME GOOOHOHAHAHAHAHAHHAHOOOOO!!!!”
As she struggled and laughed uncontrollably, Matsuya shot irritated glances at the large pane of tinted glass that took up one side of the cylindrical chamber. Whoever was running this damn thing was obviously behind that – and if she could just reach her laser rifle, maybe she could… “HAHAHAHAHA!! HEHEHEHheEHEHeHEH AHAHAH sTAHHAHAHAAHHAP!!! GYAHAHAHHAAHAahHAAHAHHA!!” The feathers on her feet had multiplied to four now, with two brushing up and down her shapely soles while two more took advantage of her mostly immobilized toes and slid the feathery edges in and out between her toes. “HEHHEEHHEH AH AAHHAHA GHHAHHAAHAHD YOU BASTARD!!! STHAHAHAHAP IT LEMME GO!!!! HEHEHEH!!” Matsuya writhed and struggled helplessly in the iron grip of her shackles.
Finally the voice announced, “Test pattern two now complete. Compiling data from test patterns one and two… Temporary subject rest recommended.” The hands and shackles all withdrew, setting Matsuya onto the ground as a giggling, twitching lump.
Behind the tinted glass, Jaynin closed his laptop and called the elevator to return to the above floors of the ATF.
“Excel is falling and falling and falling and falling some more though Excel doesn’t know where this falling is taking her she sure knows that it’s a very long drop! Wheee!!! Excel can’t even see the light from ACROSS headquarters anymore and yet she is still falling! Lord Il Palazzo must have hired some more help to extend the length of the pit and while Excel does not mind falling every day if she takes too long to fall she cannot be of service to Lord Il Palazzo and – “
WHAM! Excel struck the floor making an Excel-shaped hole in the carpet. “Excel has finally finished falling! But although she has fallen for a long time, she is somehow inside a building!” Excel scratched her head, not seeing the bodiless white hand that was floating up behind her “Excel wonders where she could have gotten to. Perhaps this is the place Lord Il Palazzo wanted Excel to take over? Yes! That is what it has to be! Your loyal Excel is starting on her mission Lord Il Palazzo and – EEEK!”
Excel jumped from the poke as if being hurled by a catapult and smashed into the wall opposite her. “Whoa! That surprised Excel! Hey you! Hand!” she said, glaring at the white bodiless hand that was floating in midair before her. “Do not poke Excel for it tickles her and Excel cannot waste time in being tickled if she is to accomplish – HehehEHEHEHEH! Another!” she proclaimed, leaping backwards as she was poked in the side by a second disembodied hand. “Hey you! Hands! Stop in the tickling of Excel! She is ticklish and does not wish to be stopped from accomplishing her – HEY! HEHE!!! AHA! HAHAH!” Excel crashed into another wall, giggling like a gibbering maniac as the two hands followed her, index fingers poking into her sides. As she laid on the carpet swirly-eyed, two more hands took hold of her wrists and pinned her to the floor, allowing the first two free reign to poke and prod at her sides and stomach. The result was as could be expected.
“NONONONONONSTOPTHATEXCELISTOOTICKLISHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHEHEHESTOPINYOURPOKINGOFEXCELNOW!!! HAHAHAHHEHEHEHAAAAHEXCELISGOINGCRAZYAHHAHAHAWELLEXCELISALREADYCRAZYBUTSHEISBECOMINGEVENMORESOEHEHEHEHHEE
HEHEHBECAUSETHETICKLINGWON’TSTOP!!!!” Excel’s legs kicked up and around at such a blinding pace that they became an indistinct swirl of motion as they tended to do when moving quickly.
Excel’s racket and commotion was drawing attention and all of those on the Artwork floor, where she had happened to land, were peeking into the gallery where Sakie currently sat, humming to herself softly and completely oblivious to the screeching and manic energy from the other room as she drew on her sketchpad.
“Drawing Excel?” Kahoshiden asked, coming into the gallery and taking a seat. Sakie merely nodded and continued, making a change and generally showing outward signs of concentration.
HDS poked his head into the gallery as well to see what the fuss was, and he too took a seat. “This is… interesting.” He snickered. “It looks pretty interesting, Sakie… even down to the crazy eyes.” HDS took a seat and watched the proceedings as both he and Kahoshiden fell silent watching through the tinted pane of glass.
Meanwhile Excel was currently jabbering at a mile a minute, even less coherent than normal as she tried to fit her normal hyperactive speech around equally hyperactive laughter. Some more hands were trying to take hold of her boots but that was proving difficult. “NAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHLEAVEEXCEL’SBOOTSALONESTUPIDHANDAHAHHAHA
EXCELWILLGETYOUALLWHENSHEGETSFREHEEHHEHEEE! STOPSTOPSTOPSTOP!!! NAHAHHA! EHHEE! AHAA! AAAH! OHIKNOW! HAHHAHAHAahhaAHAHA!!!” Excel suddenly went flat and deflated from being tickled, and her two-dimensional body slipped from the hands’ grasp, wriggling along the carpet and sliding out underneath the crack of the door.
Sakie, Kahoshiden and HDS blinked in confusion. “So… was that supposed to happen?” HDS asked.
Hyatt had meanwhile disguised herself as a part of the cleaning staff, which in the ATF Building meant that she wore a maid’s costume. Hyatt didn’t seem to mind, as usual, simply humming quietly to herself as she did a slow, methodical search of the building, although the pace of the search was more determined by her physical condition than anything else. “Oh? What is this?” she asked curiously, coming to a door marked “Anime 3:16’s office”. “I have a feeling that I should be checking in here, otherwise the plot may never advance,” Hyatt said as she turned the doorknob and opened the surprisingly unlocked door.
“I have an oddly specific feeling that this is the room Senior and I should be looking for… well, I guess I’ll try seeing what is on this computer.” Hyatt sat down in the rolling chair positioned behind the large desk on the far side of the room and peered at the computer screen. “Enter password… oh my, I hadn’t expected this. Well, I guess there’s nothing to do but try random passwords.” Hyatt daintily typed in ‘across’ for the password and clicked ‘OK’.
-Error! Incorrect password- the computer terminal admonished her with a beep. “Well… perhaps the password is…” Hyatt next entered ‘ilpalazzo’ and clicked ‘OK’ once more. –Error! Incorrect password! Warning: another failure will cause system security measures!- “Oh dear, I suppose I should be more careful this time,” Hyatt said, clearing the password box and typing in after some consideration ‘atfbuilding’.
-Error! Incorrect password! Implementing security measures…- “Oh dear,” Hyatt murmured, slightly taken aback. “Perhaps I should have waited for Senior Excel…? Oh!” she gasped in surprise as the chair sprouted shackles that clamped over her wrists and ankles. “I did not realize that the security measures were physical… oh well! I suppose I shall have to wait for Senior to come to my aid. Huh?” Hyatt wondered as she saw a panel in the floor slide back near where her shackled feet were positioned, and two hands on the end of robotic arms tugged her shoes free, then retracted and came back out holding a pair of backscratchers, which they began to run up and down Hyatt’s nylon-clad soles.
“Oh! Heheheeheheheheeheheheh hahaahah no stop… that tickles!!! I’m… hehehehe… feeling faint…. Hehahahahahahaaaaaa….” Hyatt slumped back in the chair and her eyes rolled into her head.
-Intruder incapacitated- the computer screen flashed before releasing the shackles and retracting the hands, leaving Hyatt to slump limply in the office chair.
“Aha! Excel has been led by the lazy writer to exactly the spot she must be searching for!” Excel proclaimed as she suddenly walked up to the cracked-open office door. “Thank you lazy writer!” Excel kicked the door open dramatically and yelled, “Okay, boss man, this building is now under the control of the ideological organization ACROSS!” Excel blinked. “Oh, Hat-chan! I guess you must have gotten here before me – BUT YOU DIED AGAIN! Hat-chan, how can you accomplish the mission if you die from just trying to use a computer? Ahh well! It’s up to me!” Excel shoved the chair aside with such force that it broke through the window that took up one entire side of the office, with Hyatt still in it, and began plunging to the ground. “Oops! Maybe Excel was a little too enthusiastic – but that doesn’t matter! All that matters now is gaining entry to this computer and our mission will be accomplished! Although how doing this is going to let ACROSS control the building Excel does not know but it is in the script so therefore she must try! Hmm…” Excel said, staring at the password box. “Okay Excel you’ve hacked into secret computers before although that was really just dumb luck and someone scribbling on the wall of the toilet stall but hey there’s no reason why it can’t work here! Think Excel think!” she muttered, pressing her fingers against her temples and spinning her head around in a circle.
“Maybe this will help, Senior?” Hyatt asked, handing Excel a slip of paper.
“Ahh! Hat-chan when did you get back here and more importantly where did you find that piece of paper! Nevermind that give me the paper!” Excel shouted, snatching the sticky note and reading the one word that was written on it. “Aha! Excel thinks she knows that this is the password for the computer!” Excel typed in ‘mina’.
-Welcome Anime 3:16- the dialog box said before booting up Windows XP.
“We did it!” Excel and Hyatt exclaimed. Hyatt took a CD out of a hidden pocket and opened the CD tray. “Hyatt what are you doing with that thing? This is no time to play games we have to figure out what to – “
“Lord Il Palazzo told me to put this CD into the boss’ computer once we found it,” Hyatt explained with a smile. “It will let ACROSS headquarters hack into the system and take control of it, thus giving us control of the building.”
“Ahh! That’s such genius as only my beloved Lord Il Palazzo could think of! What a wonderful way to conquer the city building by building – HEY! Why was Hat-chan given the CD to carry and not Excel? Does Lord Il Palazzo not trust Excel enough to entrust her with the most vital item for this mission! Or wait! Yes! Lord Il Palazzo wanted Excel to act as a distraction for the strange security in this place and let Hat-chan sneak into the office of the boss! Yes! That must be – “
“Excel, do shut up,” Il Palazzo said, his face replacing the screen on the computer monitor and his hand holding a very familiar rope that he pulled, sending Excel hurtling to the depths of a pit. “Agent Hyatt, excellent work. This building’s computer and security systems are now under ACROSS control.” Il Palazzo made an adjustment off-screen and when he spoke again, his voice boomed out from every loudspeaker in the ATF Building. “Now hear this, ignorant citizens, your building has now come under ACROSS control. ACROSS is an ideological organization dedicated to conquering the world and replacing the wasteful, decadent society that exists today with a new order, one that will be strong and pure. In short, your corporation has been taken over by ACROSS and you are expected to make all due efforts at compliance with ACROSS rule.”
Down in the Discussion floor, Shadow turned to Raichyll and scratched his head. “Hey, weren’t we going to take over the building?”
Raichyll pouted. “They beat us to it, sempai!”
“In any case, until such time as we can properly assimilate your corporate structure into the hierarchy of ACROSS, you will all take orders from the agent in place, Agent Hyatt…”
“But what about me Lord Il Palazzo?” Excel’s voice burst onto the speaker. “I’m here too!”
“…Oh fine, and you also will take orders from Agent Excel… but anyway, consider this your first and final warning… Any attempts to inhibit or counteract the actions of ACROSS members will be dealt with harshly… that is all!”
There was silence all throughout the building as the members of the ATF digested what had just been said to them. Then Chibi shrugged and turned back to the door he had been standing outside of for the entire episode and knocked. “Hey Bridge, you should come up with a cool nickname for yourself like ‘Golden Gate’ or ‘Brooklyn’! XD”
To Be Continued…….
Today’s Mission…….success!
