c7_assassin
3rd Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Jun 24, 2007
- Messages
- 8,720
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Those of us who live in cities have learned by bitter experience to hate and despise many species of vermin. The most hated is, of course, the sewer rat, and rightly so: they wait behind stormdrains to bite our ankles, devour our newborns, and carry off turtles to nurture and train as their personal strike-force of vengeance against we surface-dwellers.
But the second most hated is the common parking enforcer (Fascistas Fagullus), who prowl the streets dressed in effeminate blue suits and armed with phallic black pens, who love nothing more than to lick strangers' door handles and hump their side mirrors, all while 'checking' if a car is more than thirty centimetres from the curb. They never need to check: every parking enforcer knows instantly, since thirty centimetres is exactly ten parking-enforcer Dick-Lengths. Parking enforcers are so startved for love that if you come within thirty centimetres, he thinks you're doing sex to him.
Parking enforcers are a bizarre outcome of urbanized human co-existence; a group that combines slavish worship of authority and demented fetishization of law and order with all the resourcefulness and charisma of a tree-sloth with alcohol poisoning. Unable to survive by their wits, they feed off the productivity of others, finding in the minutiae of municipal bylaws a tenuous justification and sustainment for their pitiful existence. A parking enforcer thinks Nineteen Eighty-Four is the most steamy erotic novel ever written.
Fortunately, the efforts of parking enforcers to ruin existence for everyone can be resisted, provided we all sack up and do our part. Note: many if not most of the following resistance tips are probably illegal, and I'm not bothering to check, so if you're going to attempt any of them, the worst possible thing you could do would be to post them in list form on the internet.
Step 1: Stalking.
Many people, upon being victimized by a parking enforcer, will attempt to reason with it, or failing that, scream at it. Neither tactic will work; parking enforcers got to where they are by being fuck-ups at everything, including logic, and most can't achieve orgasm without the sound of screaming. You will do neither. You will simply... watch. Observe its habits. Parking enforcers hate it when you look at them. If you want to obscure your identity, wear a mask. Parking enforcers hate masks, too. Follow them incessantly as they go around spreading misery; they won't be able to take much pleasure in their work if they know they're being shadowed. Every time they park in front of a fire-hydrant to 'enforce the law' be sure to film it, and let him know that the mayor and all the major news organizations will be seeing it too. And since parking enforcers are creatures of routine, you will swiftly learn all you need to know in order to fight back even harder.
Step 2: Be one step ahead.
Parking enforcers love it when people park for too long in one spot; because people are always telling them to fuck off, they think it only fair to ticket people for staying still too long. However, since parking enforcers are too complacent to remember which cars are parked where from one hour to the next, they'll often employ devious methods, like marking a car's tire with chalk. So armed with this knowledge, you can now proceed to fuck with him. Erase his chalk. He won't even realize it's the same car when he comes back, the stupid bastard. Or erase his mark and then redraw it. What will he think is happening?
Step 3: The false-flag attack.
Chalk is only the beginning. You can, of course, fuck with his tickets too. Disposing of them isn't recommended; the poor citizen is still on the hook for the money after all, and now won't know that he has a parking ticket. Can you imagine how mad you'd be if you found out someone had ticketed you and not even left the damn ticket so you could pay it? Why, you'd probably want to talk to a judge about it, wouldn't you? Might even try to get the shifty bastard fired into the bargain.
But while it's a crime to mess with parking tickets, why not try giving out fake ones? Find a biker bar and just go nuts. You can cloak your actions in legitimacy by signing the tickets with an actual parking enforcer's name and home address, as well as your personal assurance to the motorist that there's nothing he can do about this grossly illegal ticket, since word on the street is that he's too busy fucking his own mother to ever beat the shit out of a dick parking enforcer.
Step 4: Seduce their wives or girlfriends
If parking enforcers were any good with women, they wouldn't have lost their virginity to the tailpipe of their mom's Subaru, and this might be a completely different story. Parking enforcer's wives are so sex-starved they shake hands with their cleavage. He left a yellow ticket under your windshield; why not leave another one for him to find up his wife's vagina?
Step 5: Stun guns.
This one speaks for itself. No matter how much you are tempted do not aim for the balls; parking enforcers don't have them.
But the second most hated is the common parking enforcer (Fascistas Fagullus), who prowl the streets dressed in effeminate blue suits and armed with phallic black pens, who love nothing more than to lick strangers' door handles and hump their side mirrors, all while 'checking' if a car is more than thirty centimetres from the curb. They never need to check: every parking enforcer knows instantly, since thirty centimetres is exactly ten parking-enforcer Dick-Lengths. Parking enforcers are so startved for love that if you come within thirty centimetres, he thinks you're doing sex to him.
Parking enforcers are a bizarre outcome of urbanized human co-existence; a group that combines slavish worship of authority and demented fetishization of law and order with all the resourcefulness and charisma of a tree-sloth with alcohol poisoning. Unable to survive by their wits, they feed off the productivity of others, finding in the minutiae of municipal bylaws a tenuous justification and sustainment for their pitiful existence. A parking enforcer thinks Nineteen Eighty-Four is the most steamy erotic novel ever written.
Fortunately, the efforts of parking enforcers to ruin existence for everyone can be resisted, provided we all sack up and do our part. Note: many if not most of the following resistance tips are probably illegal, and I'm not bothering to check, so if you're going to attempt any of them, the worst possible thing you could do would be to post them in list form on the internet.
Step 1: Stalking.
Many people, upon being victimized by a parking enforcer, will attempt to reason with it, or failing that, scream at it. Neither tactic will work; parking enforcers got to where they are by being fuck-ups at everything, including logic, and most can't achieve orgasm without the sound of screaming. You will do neither. You will simply... watch. Observe its habits. Parking enforcers hate it when you look at them. If you want to obscure your identity, wear a mask. Parking enforcers hate masks, too. Follow them incessantly as they go around spreading misery; they won't be able to take much pleasure in their work if they know they're being shadowed. Every time they park in front of a fire-hydrant to 'enforce the law' be sure to film it, and let him know that the mayor and all the major news organizations will be seeing it too. And since parking enforcers are creatures of routine, you will swiftly learn all you need to know in order to fight back even harder.
Step 2: Be one step ahead.
Parking enforcers love it when people park for too long in one spot; because people are always telling them to fuck off, they think it only fair to ticket people for staying still too long. However, since parking enforcers are too complacent to remember which cars are parked where from one hour to the next, they'll often employ devious methods, like marking a car's tire with chalk. So armed with this knowledge, you can now proceed to fuck with him. Erase his chalk. He won't even realize it's the same car when he comes back, the stupid bastard. Or erase his mark and then redraw it. What will he think is happening?
Step 3: The false-flag attack.
Chalk is only the beginning. You can, of course, fuck with his tickets too. Disposing of them isn't recommended; the poor citizen is still on the hook for the money after all, and now won't know that he has a parking ticket. Can you imagine how mad you'd be if you found out someone had ticketed you and not even left the damn ticket so you could pay it? Why, you'd probably want to talk to a judge about it, wouldn't you? Might even try to get the shifty bastard fired into the bargain.
But while it's a crime to mess with parking tickets, why not try giving out fake ones? Find a biker bar and just go nuts. You can cloak your actions in legitimacy by signing the tickets with an actual parking enforcer's name and home address, as well as your personal assurance to the motorist that there's nothing he can do about this grossly illegal ticket, since word on the street is that he's too busy fucking his own mother to ever beat the shit out of a dick parking enforcer.
Step 4: Seduce their wives or girlfriends
If parking enforcers were any good with women, they wouldn't have lost their virginity to the tailpipe of their mom's Subaru, and this might be a completely different story. Parking enforcer's wives are so sex-starved they shake hands with their cleavage. He left a yellow ticket under your windshield; why not leave another one for him to find up his wife's vagina?
Step 5: Stun guns.
This one speaks for itself. No matter how much you are tempted do not aim for the balls; parking enforcers don't have them.
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