5 years is 2 long (a rant)

[kopfhorer1]

Normally I keep my frustrations to myself. But it's been five years since my ex and I broke up. Since then I've had one brief and unsatisfying rebound relationship but that's it. (Happy New Year, unhappy anniversary)

I know better than to think that having girlfriends is going to magically remake my life. I'm no sucker for romantic myths (at least I'd like to think that I'm not). But I miss having someone to snog with, to cuddle with, to tickle my back and yes, to fuck like crazed weasels with.

She doesn't have to be the love of my life. I've had some promising prospects online disappear off the radar for no apparent reason. I've had friends fix me up with women who were crazier than I am (and you know that's some serious craziness!). I definitely get squirrely if I have to go too long without human contact, sexual or not. And as you can see I tend to lapse into fits of self-pity, which I know is counterproductive, though it's really hard to keep my chin up. And while I know I'm supposed to celebrate my self-sexuality, it just feels empty and reminds me of what I lack.

I'm insanely jealous of happy couples and polys and people who can find partners seemingly with little or no effort. I believe I'm doing everything a rookie flirter and dater ought to do. I know that “when one door closes another opens”. It's the waiting in the hall for the other door to open for so long that's got me down right now.

(See also)

 

[Rox_My_Sox1]

I believe you'll find the right woman Kopster. You just need to be confident and believe in yourself. Women into men totally dig that from what I hear. ^_~

 

[kopfhorer1]

Thank you, Rox. I read you loud and clear.

 

[Mash]

Kop, I'm 90% sure we have the exact same mind. XD

Same scenario, over a slightly shorter time period. My first and only girlfriend broke up with me 3.5 years ago, since then I've been alone and it sucks. Just like you, I know that getting with another chick won't fix my life, but god damn it, it'll at least make things feel just a little less shitty.

I've also gotten the "You'll find someone" talk more times than I care to think about. Personally, I'm of the belief that if it was gonna happen to me, then I would have AT LEAST had a fling with somebody, but no.

Not to be awkward, but if you need someone to empathize with, I'm all ears. XD

Anyways, take care. Hope things work out for ya.

 

[PurpleStyle]

Kop:

I know that I don't know you very well, but as one caring human being to another, I am not going to feed you the old line "you will find Ms. Right, marry her, live happily ever after and die a beloved grandfather".

Bullshit. What I offer you instead was sent to me by a dear friend of mine, through another dear friend of mine. Props to sadistictcklr as the finder of this nugget of wisdom.

http://www.ted.com/talks/dan_gilbert_asks_why_are_we_happy.html

If that doesn't at least make you smile, then I apologize.

 

[melanie2]

aww Kopster..i had no idea you were going thru this..you always seem so upbeat..hmm..i don't have any words of wisdom..just what Roxie said makes sense to me..it does seem rather unfair that some find true love just like that, while others wait and wait..all i can say is someone is out there..and not all happy relationships are perfect..i'm childless, which will always make a hole in my heart..but you learn to deal with things as they are handed out to you..

Good luck..and i'm your friend no matter what.:wub

 

[Rox_My_Sox1]

And remember, for your immediate needs, there's always porn. ^_~

 

[kopfhorer1]

Kop:

I know that I don't know you very well, but as one caring human being to another, I am not going to feed you the old line "you will find Ms. Right, marry her, live happily ever after and die a beloved grandfather".

Bullshit. What I offer you instead was sent to me by a dear friend of mine, through another dear friend of mine. Props to sadistictcklr as the finder of this nugget of wisdom.

http://www.ted.com/talks/dan_gilbert_asks_why_are_we_happy.html

If that doesn't at least make you smile, then I apologize.

Thank you and sadistictcklr for the no-bullshit reply and for the video link! I might have to watch that vid a couple more times before I get it. (TED rocks!) And I still think Pete Best was one heck of a drummer! 🙂

And remember, for your immediate needs, there's always porn. ^_~

Don't you think I'm well aware of that? I mean, how about certain sections of this very site, hmm? 😉 (Links are NSFW)

Thanks in the extreme to all of you for your expressions of friendship and empathy.

Right now, thanx to changes in therapy, relating to strangers, especially women is noticeably easier than before, though it still feels a lot like walking with one leg in a cast. Sometimes I do OK. I fall over sideways a lot more often than I'd like.

 

[Slaver123]

Later this year it'll have been TEN YEARS since my last long-term committed relationship. I really feel for you... Thought I'd found "The One" in 2010, but no of course not.

I'm not looking anymore. Maybe I'll look for temporary sex buddies, but that's about it; I've accepted that I will NEVER find that sort of deep close partnership again. (And I'm not really into "sex" per-se either, I'd choose massive tickling/bondage sessions over intercourse anyday, but that's nothing new)

Now as far as WHY I will never find someone, I refuse to believe it's because of 'fate' or 'destiny' so it must be something in me. Is it possible that I'm really incompatible with ANYONE?

 

[Mash]

Later this year it'll have been TEN YEARS since my last long-term committed relationship. I really feel for you... Thought I'd found "The One" in 2010, but no of course not.

I'm not looking anymore. Maybe I'll look for temporary sex buddies, but that's about it; I've accepted that I will NEVER find that sort of deep close partnership again. (And I'm not really into "sex" per-se either, I'd choose massive tickling/bondage sessions over intercourse anyday, but that's nothing new)

Now as far as WHY I will never find someone, I refuse to believe it's because of 'fate' or 'destiny' so it must be something in me. Is it possible that I'm really incompatible with ANYONE?

Given that there are over 6 billion humans on the planet, it's statistically improbable that you are incompatible with everyone on an emotional level.

Odds are that there IS at least one person that you'd be able to connect with. However, the odds of finding that person are dreadfully minuscule.

Some people are lucky and are blessed with good looks and charisma, which makes finding an ideal partner much less taxing, and there are others who have neither, and spend their whole lives struggling to find a person who'll even look at them.

Considering that the planet is suffering from overpopulation as it is, I wouldn't worry too much about it. Occupy yourself with work, go back to school, do whatever it takes to keep your mind off of things. Stay away from philosophy, think about the meaning of things too much and everything will start to seem very depressing. XD

 

[PurpleStyle]

Thank you and sadistictcklr for the no-bullshit reply and for the video link! I might have to watch that vid a couple more times before I get it. (TED rocks!) And I still think Pete Best was one heck of a drummer! 🙂

Glad you liked it, or at least pretended to for my ego's sake. xD Kidding. It probably sounds like I'm selling you a song, but it's all perception. I got out of a relationship recently myself, and I'm actually quite happy. Of course, that's for now.. we'll see 5 years down the line.

My less hippy-brain-magic-bullshit answer is to focus on your career/school/true passion/what have you. That helps me a lot. I decided to carve my own destiny in life, so my purpose is clear. Even if I don't completely fulfill my "purpose in life", the journey thus far is proving to be very rewarding.

 

[Slaver123]

Given that there are over 6 billion humans on the planet, it's statistically improbable that you are incompatible with everyone on an emotional level.

Odds are that there IS at least one person that you'd be able to connect with. However, the odds of finding that person are dreadfully minuscule.

Some people are lucky and are blessed with good looks and charisma, which makes finding an ideal partner much less taxing, and there are others who have neither, and spend their whole lives struggling to find a person who'll even look at them.

Considering that the planet is suffering from overpopulation as it is, I wouldn't worry too much about it. Occupy yourself with work, go back to school, do whatever it takes to keep your mind off of things. Stay away from philosophy, think about the meaning of things too much and everything will start to seem very depressing. XD

I was a pessimist way back in my 20s.... and back then women were attracted to me. Nowadays I don't have good looks, charisma, money, status, or success (by American standards) Plus I'm not a good liar (and don't want to be a good liar either) So no one'll look at me twice....

...except married women. Married women often find me attractive but that's totally against my morals.

 

[kopfhorer1]

... no one'll look at me twice....

...except married women. Married women often find me attractive but that's totally against my morals.

Now, I wonder why that should be? And I do see your point (IMO, clandestine affairs with married women are much more trouble than they could ever be worth. And the whole guilt/sleaze factor just gives ammunition to unsavory morality-wonk types). Maybe it's an age thing, the married women being closer to your age range.

At the very least, the fact that these women are attracted to you means you obviously have something to offer!

Later this year it'll have been TEN YEARS since my last long-term committed relationship. I really feel for you... Thought I'd found "The One" in 2010, but no of course not.

I'm not looking anymore. Maybe I'll look for temporary sex buddies, but that's about it; I've accepted that I will NEVER find that sort of deep close partnership again. (And I'm not really into "sex" per-se either, I'd choose massive tickling/bondage sessions over intercourse anyday, but that's nothing new)

Now as far as WHY I will never find someone, I refuse to believe it's because of 'fate' or 'destiny' so it must be something in me. Is it possible that I'm really incompatible with ANYONE?

I definitely feel your pain. And I seriously doubt that you aren't compatible with anyone at all. You probably wouldn't be welcome here if that were so. Having never met you, I cannot say whether your problems finding the love you want are because of something about you, or something else. I don't mean to trivialize your concerns. As I know only too well, frustration is not a trivial matter.

Rather than expound, I've left that task to folks who get paid to do it. Here are some online articles which I dug up while on salon.com:

http://www.salon.com/life/since_you_asked/2007/10/12/lonely_single_guy/index.html
http://www.salon.com/life/feature/2008/12/09/kit_naylor/index.html
http://www.salon.com/life/since_you_asked/2010/06/22/true_man_self
http://www.salon.com/life/since_you_asked/2010/12/15/legally_single/index.html

 

[Slaver123]

Thanks- those articles were helpful (I liked the idae of climbing a dangerous mountain)

(Note: I deleted all sorts of WTMI before posting this)

 

[kopfhorer1]

Thanks- those articles were helpful (I liked the idae of climbing a dangerous mountain)

Yeah, it makes a lot of sense to me. And does that guy have a way with metaphors, or what? 🙂

(Note: I deleted all sorts of WTMI before posting this)

S'okay. It's definitely tempting to unload especially when talking about things like this. I myself have found that editing and deletion functions are definitely a good thing to have access to!