njjen3953
4th Level Orange Feather
- Joined
- Apr 18, 2001
- Messages
- 2,858
- Points
- 0
MOST DEFINITELY
The nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the
word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"
Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy... "Trees are definitely green"
"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks: "Does a
fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says... "Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I most DEFINITELY shit my pants..."
LATEX
A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He
noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a
story as he was putting on his surgical gloves.
"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"
She said, "No?"
"Well," he said, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up
with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according
to hand size.
Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then
walks around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto
their hands!
Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'finished
goods crate' and they start the process all over again."
Well, she didn't laugh a bit, but five minutes later during the
procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out
laughing.
The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about
how they must make condoms!"
THAT SONOFABITCH CAN DRIVE
There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and
spitting. He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would
say, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn, that
sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive",
then spit.
A man sits down next to him and asks him, "What's going on here? You
keep saying, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit".
"Well", says the guy, "my friend just got a brand new sports car, so
he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So I say sure,
why not?" "He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After
we have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes go
out!! He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we're picking
up speed and the road is all twisty and curvy. "We're going faster
and faster and it's hard to stay on the road. I've got my fingers
embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to do
something!! "We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our
right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our
ass, and an overturned motorhome right in front of us. Well, I
figure this is it! I just knew we were gonna die! So I turn to him
and said...
"Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best damn
blow job you've ever had!"
He paused. Then spit. "DAMN, THAT SON OF A BITCH CAN **DRIVE**!
THE AMOROUS PARROT
A farmer and his wife are given the gift of a parrot from a relative.
The parrot being a male sneaks out, screws the next door neighbor's
turkey and rushes back home before being caught in the act.
The next door neighbor knocks on the door and explains what the
parrot has been up to.
The owner of the parrot reprimands him and tells him if he doesn't
stop it he's going to shave the parrot's head.
That night the parrot, overcome with desire, sneaks out and screws
his neighbor's turkey again.
The next morning the owner ties the bird down and proceeds to shave
his head.
The following morning is the farmers daughters wedding, and in order
to please the relative that gave them the parrot, they sit the parrot
on a piano and tell him for his punishment, he has to greet all the
guests and tell them where to sit in the church.
The parrot is doing fine. "Groom's side to the left and Bride's side
to the right".
Then two bald guys walk in and he loudly squawks, "All right, you two
turkey f**kers - up here on the piano with me."
SEX EDUCATION
These three boys have just got their grades from their female sex
education teacher.
One of them got a D+, the second one got a D- and the third got an E.
"We should get her for this," says the first boy.
"Yeah, let's grab her..." says the second.
"Yeah," interrupts the third, "And then let's kick her in the nuts."
The nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the
word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"
Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy... "Trees are definitely green"
"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks: "Does a
fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says... "Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I most DEFINITELY shit my pants..."
LATEX
A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He
noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a
story as he was putting on his surgical gloves.
"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"
She said, "No?"
"Well," he said, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up
with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according
to hand size.
Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then
walks around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto
their hands!
Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'finished
goods crate' and they start the process all over again."
Well, she didn't laugh a bit, but five minutes later during the
procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out
laughing.
The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about
how they must make condoms!"
THAT SONOFABITCH CAN DRIVE
There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and
spitting. He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would
say, "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn, that
sonofabitch can drive", then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive",
then spit.
A man sits down next to him and asks him, "What's going on here? You
keep saying, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit".
"Well", says the guy, "my friend just got a brand new sports car, so
he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So I say sure,
why not?" "He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After
we have lunch, we start back down the mountain and his brakes go
out!! He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we're picking
up speed and the road is all twisty and curvy. "We're going faster
and faster and it's hard to stay on the road. I've got my fingers
embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to do
something!! "We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our
right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our
ass, and an overturned motorhome right in front of us. Well, I
figure this is it! I just knew we were gonna die! So I turn to him
and said...
"Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best damn
blow job you've ever had!"
He paused. Then spit. "DAMN, THAT SON OF A BITCH CAN **DRIVE**!
THE AMOROUS PARROT
A farmer and his wife are given the gift of a parrot from a relative.
The parrot being a male sneaks out, screws the next door neighbor's
turkey and rushes back home before being caught in the act.
The next door neighbor knocks on the door and explains what the
parrot has been up to.
The owner of the parrot reprimands him and tells him if he doesn't
stop it he's going to shave the parrot's head.
That night the parrot, overcome with desire, sneaks out and screws
his neighbor's turkey again.
The next morning the owner ties the bird down and proceeds to shave
his head.
The following morning is the farmers daughters wedding, and in order
to please the relative that gave them the parrot, they sit the parrot
on a piano and tell him for his punishment, he has to greet all the
guests and tell them where to sit in the church.
The parrot is doing fine. "Groom's side to the left and Bride's side
to the right".
Then two bald guys walk in and he loudly squawks, "All right, you two
turkey f**kers - up here on the piano with me."
SEX EDUCATION
These three boys have just got their grades from their female sex
education teacher.
One of them got a D+, the second one got a D- and the third got an E.
"We should get her for this," says the first boy.
"Yeah, let's grab her..." says the second.
"Yeah," interrupts the third, "And then let's kick her in the nuts."
