A New Spin on Modern Nursery Rhymes

[QBWeaver]

Nursery rhymes aren't what they used to be.....


Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides,
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her thighs.


Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front,
...but she didn't wear that one very often.



Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her,
but Little Boy Blue and his horn.



Simple Simon met a pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pieman,
"What have you got there?"
Said the pieman unto Simon, "Pies, you dickhead."



Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Said, "F--- him, he's only an egg."



Mary had a little lamb.
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its ass
and turned its wool to nylon



Georgie Porgy pudding 'n pie,
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
he kissed them too, 'cause he was gay.



Jack and Jill went up the hill
to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill
and now, there's little Frankie

 

[General Zod]

Very nice QB Here's another one

Mary had a little lamb
That's what she gets for sleeping in the barn

 

[shark]

Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 

[venray]

Mary had a little lamb,
It's fleece was white as snow,
And everywhere that Mary went,
She stepped in lamb poop.


Ven

 

[jason19tk]

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

The king's men took the yolk ,
left the shell, arms and legs

When the next morning came,
they all had scrambled eggs.

 

[venray]

And then there's the .......

Andrew Dice clay versions



Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to get her poor dog a bone

But when she bent over,
Rover took over
and he gave her a bone of his own!



---

Jack and Jill went up the hill

both with a buck and a quarter

Jill came down with 2.50.

That f*****g *****.

---

Mary had a little lamb

she kept in her backyard

when she took her panties off

its willy dick got hard.


The rest are here............


http://www.everything2.com/index.pl?node_id=713369


And some more Jack and Jill stuff


Jack and Jill went up the hill
With a keg of brandy.
Jack got stewed,
Jill got screwed
Now it's Jack, Jill and Andy


II.
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To smoke a little leaf.
Jack got high,
Pulled down his fly,
And Jill said, "Where's the beef!"


III.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass,
and grabbed her ass
And now two of his front teeth are missing.


IV.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jill forgot
To take The pill,
So now they've got a daughter


V.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
For just an itty bitty.
Jill's now two
months overdue,
And Jack has left the city.


VI.
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
Each went with a quarter.
Jill came down with fifty cents;
They didn't go up for water!

 

[jason19tk]

Mary had a little lamb, it's fleece gold as pee

Mary sold this rare stuff , so she could buy some LSD

 

[QBWeaver]

You guys are GREAT! LOL

 

[Dave2112]

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on her tuffet
Eating her curds and whey.

Along came a spider
and sat down beside her
And said:
"Hey! What's in the bowl, bitch?"

😀

 

[QBWeaver]

I just heard this one too.

Mary had a little lamb
And Mom was so surprised!

 

[jason19tk]

You guys are GREAT! LOL

I don't even know how I'm comin up with the ones I came up with..too much Comedy Central for me, I think. 😀

 

[jason19tk]

Mary had a little lamb who could sing and dance,
Since she needed some money, Mary knew this was her chance

They went to a music studio and the lamb performed a song,

She got her own kiddie show, "Lambchop's Play Along".

Do not be fooled by her, she's not as kind as she may look
Mary is now this lamb's slave, maid.... and her cook.

 

[Strelnikov]

Mary had a little sheep,
And with that sheep she loved to sleep.
The sheep turned out to be a ram--
Mary had a little lamb!

Strelnikov

 

[jason19tk]

Little Bo Peep lost her sheep and didn't know where to find them. So she said to herself, "Screw them...I'll just BUY a wool sweater, cause I'm f***ing freezin out here!"

 

[jason19tk]

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on her tuffet
Eating her curds and whey.

"Looks like someone already at that" said some punks.

Grossed-out Muffet then blew chunks.

She decided to have a sandwhich the next day.




( "blow chunks", for those of you who don't know...means the same think as puking . lol )