Adulthood

[chicago]

What responsibilities does a parent have to a child? At what point are they no longer a child?

The whole point of raising said child is to prepare them for the real world. Now, I understand that while legally 18 may be the cut off point, but perhaps in this day and age it's more like 22 - 24 when one graduates from college?

When a parent has a child that refuses to take responsibility for themselves, when does a parent begin "tough love?"

I believe that most 18 year olds can't do it alone. I know I tried, but was unable to go to school without parents financial information as the government considers payment for college a "family contribution." However, I believe after a child turns 18, certain things should be their responsibility. If their education is paid for by parents, they should maintain a certain GPA, do what they can to contribute to the household. If they choose to not go to college, they should get a job and provide for themselves, whether that be an agreed-upon amount towards room and board, or some other arrangement.

I believe hard work and independence are attributes that builds confidence and competence in a person and gives them a greater chance at being successful in the world. (You can define success in your own way. Independence = success to me)

In this day and age, the job market is not so great. College graduates are moving back in with their parents. However, I imagine for most of those young people, their drive to find their own way in the working world is high. I can't see living with parents into adulthood feels good, or allowing parents to fund your life feels good. At least for those that understand the meaning of being able to look at your place and say, "I worked for this. No one else."

So, what are your thoughts? I know it's not a black and white issue with a black and white answer, but I'm interested in the discussion.

When does adulthood start?

 

[Bothersome]

I simply cannot fathom what this was inspired by.

That being said, I don't think this issue is something that one can generalize. I've been trying to get out on my own for several years now, but the lack of a job market in my town makes it impossible to save up enough money to leave. I'm going to have to get a starter loan if I even want to get to an area with a non-stagnant job market.

And that doesn't even touch on college. I probably won't even get the chance to get a degree until I'm well into my 30's.

I also think, however, that struggling is a very, very important aspect of life. Struggling teaches you humility and respect. Something that way too much of my generation lacks. If I really, really wanted to, I could get out and go live my life. I'd probably have to hitch hike quite a ways and sleep on a few park benches, but it's not like it can't be done.

I don't know when adulthood starts. For me, it was probably around 19. It was the point when I sat up one morning, took several hours reviewing my life, and realized that it wasn't going anywhere near where I wanted it to be.

 

[Rusty Shackleford]

While I cannot speak for others, personally I knew I was an adult the day I realized I am solely responsible for the station/direction of my life; not my parents, or my environment, or my upbringing, or my friends, or my schooling, or any other of the myriad reasons one may find to excuse their behavior and status.

Adulthood is being aware of and taking sole responsibility for your words, your thoughts, your actions, and the resulting effects thereof. Doing the right thing not because somebody is watching, or because your parents/educators/church drilled it into you as a child, but because you genuinely understand the notion that nobody else is responsible for you but you, and while external forces (law and order, public propriety, social conditioning) may all work in unison to mold our behavior according to the prevailing norms of the times, ultimately the proverbial buck stops with you.


I haven't received a dime from my folks since I was about 14 and I've been on my own for a few years now. To put it succinctly (too late): When in the course of your life you find that if you do not purchase/acquire/prepare your own food you will go hungry, that if you do not adequately clothe/shelter yourself you will be cold, and that if you do not take that second job or shoulder the added overtime hours you will not make ends meet, congrats, you're an adult.

 

[chicago]

Awesome responses thus far.

It's a subject I've pondered over for years, actually.

Understanding that things are shitty for many people, and short of making yourself homeless in order to find independence, I believe the drive, the want, trying in whatever way you can, even if you have nothing to show for it for some time, is important.

And Bothersome, great point about what one can learn from having to struggle somewhat.

 

[voided9]

My Dad passed away when I was 18, it was unexpected and it devastated me. Shortly after, my Mom moved out of the house where we all lived - leaving just me, my two older brothers, and their girlfriends. Mom still owned the house, but my brothers and I were paying the bills since we lived there [which was fine, it was actually a very good deal because the house was huge and bills were kinda high]. I couldn't stand living in the house where Dad died, so I moved out with my then-boyfriend into our first apartment. I had to use some of the money I received from Dad's insurance to help us pay some rent, but the rest we paid ourselves. We both worked, and we barely got by, but we made it. My Mom was there on the sideline if we needed help, but she didn't have to give us money or anything, we were completely independent financially.

I never really had an allowance but I started doing odd-jobs like babysitting, at a very young age. I enjoyed making my own money and when I turned 12 I didn't want my parents having to pay for my school supplies/clothes - I had enough from my jobs to get it myself. So from that point on, I preferred not using my parent's money when I didn't absolutely have to. I became independent at a young age.

I believe a parent should prepare their child as best they can to make it on their own, but always be there if they're needed. But it's different for each person - depends on their mental stability, etc. There are a lot of factors that go along with it, but in general, I personally feel that a child who is mentally stable should be financially responsible for themselves once they're finished with college. I say after college because it seems many kids are having their parents help them with college expenses, and I don't see anything wrong with that.

 

[maniactickler]

The younger generation are spoiled more than ever nowadays.

 

[chicago]

My Dad passed away when I was 18, it was unexpected and it devastated me. Shortly after, my Mom moved out of the house where we all lived - leaving just me, my two older brothers, and their girlfriends. Mom still owned the house, but my brothers and I were paying the bills since we lived there [which was fine, it was actually a very good deal because the house was huge and bills were kinda high]. I couldn't stand living in the house where Dad died, so I moved out with my then-boyfriend into our first apartment. I had to use some of the money I received from Dad's insurance to help us pay some rent, but the rest we paid ourselves. We both worked, and we barely got by, but we made it. My Mom was there on the sideline if we needed help, but she didn't have to give us money or anything, we were completely independent financially.

I never really had an allowance but I started doing odd-jobs like babysitting, at a very young age. I enjoyed making my own money and when I turned 12 I didn't want my parents having to pay for my school supplies/clothes - I had enough from my jobs to get it myself. So from that point on, I preferred not using my parent's money when I didn't absolutely have to. I became independent at a young age.

I believe a parent should prepare their child as best they can to make it on their own, but always be there if they're needed. But it's different for each person - depends on their mental stability, etc. There are a lot of factors that go along with it, but in general, I personally feel that a child who is mentally stable should be financially responsible for themselves once they're finished with college. I say after college because it seems many kids are having their parents help them with college expenses, and I don't see anything wrong with that.

Sorry to hear about your father, but your work ethic sounds pretty bad ass.

The rest of it? Couldn't agree more.

 

[Jagermeistered]

A child can be a leech for as long as the parent(s) needs or wants them to be. And, totally agree with the OP in that independence is success. However, I have an objection to hard work, it should be about finding your niche that you are passionate about and makes you the most profit. Why "work hard"? You die at the end anyways, so working hard is just a waste of time - in my honest opinion.

Education... These days its about productive conformity, rather then turning out individuals who can think for themselves. For instance, I posted a thread about a 15 year-old kid, who created a way of detecting certain forms of cancer more efficiently while lowering costs. Sure his classroom served as a catalyst, but it was used for future independent(there is that word again) research. You can read the thread here: http://www.ticklingforum.com/showth...s-invents-fast-and-cheap-way-to-detect-cancer

More importantly read this part:

In an interview with the BBC, Jack said the idea for his pancreatic cancer test came to him while he was in biology class at North County High School, drawing on the class lesson about antibodies and the article on analytical methods using carbon nanotubes he was surreptitiously reading at the time. Afterwards, he followed up with more research using Google Search on nanotubes and cancer biochemistry, aided by free online scientific journals.

The classroom lecture was nothing more then a coincidence in the long term...

 

[chicago]

I agree, Jaeger, that if one doesn't have to work hard to be independent, why should they? Although hard work does not necessarily have to be defined as physical labor.

That said, I feel that my generation was a bit brain washed into believing that higher education was the only way, and that physical labor, or any other job where you work with your hands, is something to be ashamed of. Kind of messed up, if you ask me, but that is just my experience. That may be different for others.

 

[ticklishdanny]

Guess the cutoff point really depends on what kind of parents you have. A majority of my friends live off of their parents in luxury spending their days having fun not a care in the world. Of course not everyone has that option, I certainly don't. I remember my college acceptance letters and being overwhelmingly happy about being able to leave for school at the end of my senior year of high school, sadly, I didn't get to go. My parents have a modest income and college for me and my two siblings is just too expensive so I had to suck it up and enroll at a CC. I do pull my own weight around the house going to work with my father on a weekly basis and not accepting money from my parents. I certainly hope to be independent in a year when I finally transfer (of course I kinda do need some financial help from my parents, college is EXPENSIVE). I'm a lot better off than most people my age though. None of my friends know how to do their own laundry, a simple task I learned when I was five years old. It really depends on what kind of parents you have, and if you're ok living off your parents until the day they die.

 

[Jagermeistered]

Although hard work does not necessarily have to be defined as physical labor.

My definition of hard work is not completely tied to physical labor. For instance, I am great at arithmetic, geometry, and algebra. But, understanding calculus or physics is a pain in the ass, and I do not want any part of it. Or, I can do basic electrical work(love playing with wires), but if you want me to build a skyscraper; you can look down below the stratosphere and kiss my ass with my feet on the Earth; I hate heights! Some people love being closer to space; but not me, so it will take hard work for me to be closer to the stars. I am looking at hard work from the subjective point-of-view.

 

[Bothersome]

I plan on leaving soon. In fact, I've got an arrangement set up with a couple friends of mine down in Texas. They need a roommate to help with the bills on their apartment, and I need to leave home. The only hangup right now is getting down there, but that should be solved once we have a car that can make the trip.

They're going to help me out with getting a job and everything else I'll need and whatnot. So, even if I won't be fully independent, it's a step in the right direction. I'll spend a few years with them, and then move out and get my own place. After that, I'll start thinking about college.

And after browsing through the responses, I do have to agree that adulthood begins when you start taking responsibility for your own life. For some, that comes earlier than others. I'm a rather late bloomer in that regard, simply because I'm probably one of the laziest people you'll ever meet. I'm just lucky that my need for self-respect outweighs my need to sit around all day.

 

[Mitchell]

I have little doubt that this thread was partially directed at me, as a dig.

Fine.,, I'll answer.

The honest answer is: It really depends for each person. If the person has the ability to earn a decent living, have their own dwelling place, necesstiies, etc, it should begin as soon as that person's education is over, they have a job, and are able to sustain themselves.

I've been very open about what happened to me on this forum. I wss stymied until my early to mid 30s due to tax issues. Lawyers, with more .. knowledge than anyone on this forum.. told me that my entire education and life was hampered due to the tax issues.

The bottom line is.. the same people.. have been given carte blanche to say and do whatever they want. Nothing will be done. I'm sure I would have "action taken" if I posted what I really thought.

How about another topic, Mairead.. Character... When do the digs and attacks stop.. after beating a dead horse for over two weeks?

 

[chicago]

I was interested to hear others opinions on the subject as a whole. Not as any kind of dig or insult to any one member. I have had my own issues with striving for independence and my relationship with my parents.

I'm sorry you somehow felt this was about you, specifically, Mitchell.

 

[Mitchell]

Okay. Fair enough. If that was how you really intended the post, I accept that, and I will go a step further. I apologize if I accused you of this post being a dig at me, or for thinking it was.

 

[milagros317]

It depends very much on the culture in which you grow up. In suburban New Jersey in the 1960's/70's, adulthood was deemed to begin when you either: 1) finished college and got a job, or 2) finished a post-graduate degree (MD or JD preferred) and got a job. Any parents who didn't pay for their children's college or at least cooperate in getting financial aid for their children to attend college (as yours apparently didn't) would have been socially ostracized.

I am well aware that other cultures exist here in the U.S. where the feeling is "at 18, you can get out and support yourself."

 

[Jagermeistered]

Okay. Fair enough. If that was how you really intended the post, I accept that, and I will go a step further. I apologize if I accused you of this post being a dig at me, or for thinking it was.

Mitch,

We meet people and see things outside of the interwebs. Now, give Kurch his tin-foil hat back. 😛

 

[Jagermeistered]

If I can find it, I'd love to answer this with one of my favorite literary quotes by Lois McMaster Bujold, in one of her Vorkosigan novels. I'll have to see if I can find it, but I'll probably just send it to you as I don't post here anymore to any significant degree.

I'll see if I can find it, FannieSmall.

😉

Share it in this thread and not just AH.

 

[Jagermeistered]

I am well aware that other cultures exist here in the U.S. where the feeling is "at 18, you can get out and support yourself.

Yeah, the "culture"... This "culture" is as plausible as a donkey painting an arrow on a rock. It is reserved for a minority that is not a donkey.

 

[venray]

When I reach adulthood I will let you know.... <3

 

[C.A.B.]

Unfortunately, "adulthood" and "wisdom" are not mutually exclusive. I think one is best served striving for that later... at any age.

 

[Bizkit]

When I reach adulthood I will let you know.... <3

You f'n looney you....


For me I've thought about this topic a bit lately and heard a quote in an upcoming movie trailer that was quite striking. It goes as this, ''I've often wondered why we have children, and the conclusion I've come to is, we want someone to get it right this time.'' That's beautiful. I'm still dwelling on that a bit.

 

[anderson1129]

This has to be looked at on a case by case basis. You cannot simply put an age on adulthood. Parents need to instill good values and mindsets in their children. At the end of the day it is up to the individual to take care of themselves. Unfortunately we all know that is not always the case. I personally know people in their mid 30's that continue to mooch off of their parents and do not even try to make something of themselves or try to get a job. I don't understand how someone could take pride in something like that. I was fortunate to graduate from college at 21. I was not able to find a job in my hometown and ended up taking a temporary consulting position in Milwaukee a few months after graduation. At that point in my life I had never really left the state of New York. So moving out of state was a whole new concept to me. I didn't have a choice though I had to support myself. All people have different backgrounds and mindsets. So not everyone reaches adulthood at the same point in life. If ever. LOL.

 

[Jagermeistered]

When I reach adulthood I will let you know.... <3

The elation of life has not died with this one!

 

[kopfhorer]

When I reach adulthood I will let you know.... <3

You too, huh? 🙂

A child can be a leech for as long as the parent(s) needs or wants them to be. And, totally agree with the OP in that independence is success. However, I have an objection to hard work, it should be about finding your niche that you are passionate about and makes you the most profit. Why "work hard"? You die at the end anyways, so working hard is just a waste of time - in my honest opinion.

Agreed. Ignore the conformists and fools who tell you that your passion is worthless or stupid. And as I and many of my peers found out long ago, working your butt off at an ill-paid crap job devoid of any chance to advance is a waste of one's existence.

Education... These days its about productive conformity, rather then turning out individuals who can think for themselves. ...

As far as I can see it's always been that way. I can count the number of teachers during my school years who really made learning a joy for us on just one hand.