I have a good friend in NYC who has just moved into a new apartment. This is the update email she sent me. The girl is just funny. Enjoy a laugh.
Joby
This weekend, I leaned that the world of near-miss moving catastrophes spans well beyond that standard broken knick-knack and misplaced boxes we're accustomed to hearing about. For example, some of the highlights from ourmoving day adventure include:
11. 7-foot tall Jamaican watching from the Chinese restaurant emereges after 2 hours of observation to ask if we need help with "da beeg stoof."
10. Landlords asked me to pay rent in cash. Uhm, don't ask, don't tell?
9. U-Haul rental location run by Afghani rebels forces. "You can nut have de ten feet truck mees, we give your reeserbayshun to de utter lady. Take de feefteen feet truck and we geef you deescount. Ayeayeasyeasye!!!"
8. Contractors who paint over electrical outlets rendering them usless.
7. Trying to fix aforementioend outlets with butter knife. Bzzzzzzzt.
6. "I know I was supposed to move today, honey, but I'm not finished packing. I have a few teensy weensy things to wrap up."
5. "Gee, that's peculiar. The window locks have been removed from every other window."
4. "I know we were supposed to refuel the truck, but maybe if you park it on an angle they won't notice."
3. "Don't worry about those last two things. I will take them in a cab next week."
2. "Honey, Aunt Linda I want to come over next week and stencil your kitchen and bedroom walls."
1. What the hell is this? Oh God, no, ack gag, gasp aaacccckkkkk!!! A SQUISHY toilet seat!"
So my first day alone in the apartment, I hiked over to the local hardware store for a toilet seat. I mean, how can one ponder such trivialities as window locks and the mentally unbalanced Jamaican when one has to defy the laws of physics and "hover" over the bowl (which involves hooking one foot throgh the towel bar and wedging one hand behind the sink) for fear of one's back side alighting and sticking to someone elses old germ-infested squishy ass pad? Do you have any idea what kind of sound that makes?
"Sir, can you help me find the toilet seats?"
"Sure, here's the whole selection. We got white, white, white, white, pink, black..."
"They're not squishy, are they?"
"No ma'am. These here are as cold and hard as cement."
"Thank God. My new apartment has a squishy toilet seat and that is just intolerable."
"Uhmm ooooooookaaaaaaaayy, yeaaaaaaaaaaahh, sooooooo, will that be all?"
Now to install it. Where are my asbestos gloves?
And so continues the adventure of life.
Joby
This weekend, I leaned that the world of near-miss moving catastrophes spans well beyond that standard broken knick-knack and misplaced boxes we're accustomed to hearing about. For example, some of the highlights from ourmoving day adventure include:
11. 7-foot tall Jamaican watching from the Chinese restaurant emereges after 2 hours of observation to ask if we need help with "da beeg stoof."
10. Landlords asked me to pay rent in cash. Uhm, don't ask, don't tell?
9. U-Haul rental location run by Afghani rebels forces. "You can nut have de ten feet truck mees, we give your reeserbayshun to de utter lady. Take de feefteen feet truck and we geef you deescount. Ayeayeasyeasye!!!"
8. Contractors who paint over electrical outlets rendering them usless.
7. Trying to fix aforementioend outlets with butter knife. Bzzzzzzzt.
6. "I know I was supposed to move today, honey, but I'm not finished packing. I have a few teensy weensy things to wrap up."
5. "Gee, that's peculiar. The window locks have been removed from every other window."
4. "I know we were supposed to refuel the truck, but maybe if you park it on an angle they won't notice."
3. "Don't worry about those last two things. I will take them in a cab next week."
2. "Honey, Aunt Linda I want to come over next week and stencil your kitchen and bedroom walls."
1. What the hell is this? Oh God, no, ack gag, gasp aaacccckkkkk!!! A SQUISHY toilet seat!"
So my first day alone in the apartment, I hiked over to the local hardware store for a toilet seat. I mean, how can one ponder such trivialities as window locks and the mentally unbalanced Jamaican when one has to defy the laws of physics and "hover" over the bowl (which involves hooking one foot throgh the towel bar and wedging one hand behind the sink) for fear of one's back side alighting and sticking to someone elses old germ-infested squishy ass pad? Do you have any idea what kind of sound that makes?
"Sir, can you help me find the toilet seats?"
"Sure, here's the whole selection. We got white, white, white, white, pink, black..."
"They're not squishy, are they?"
"No ma'am. These here are as cold and hard as cement."
"Thank God. My new apartment has a squishy toilet seat and that is just intolerable."
"Uhmm ooooooookaaaaaaaayy, yeaaaaaaaaaaahh, sooooooo, will that be all?"
Now to install it. Where are my asbestos gloves?
And so continues the adventure of life.
