Advice please!!

[lcs1]

Hello everyone. I am in need of some "relationship" advice and, although it doesn't have anything to do with tickling, I thought this would be a good place to post my question. I know I will get honest, open minded advice from the people here. Here's my situation:

I am a 35 year old married male. I have been married for 9 years, and dated my wife for nearly 7 years before we married. Like a lot of marriages, ours is very comfortable, but it has lost alot of the pizzaz that marriages tend to lose over time. I don't want to say I'm bored, but there really isn't a lot of passion.

There is a girl at work who I have always thought was attractive but recently have started to develop deeper feelings for. Although I can't say for sure, because I'm really confused over what I'm feeling, and why, I think I may be falling in love with her. I don't want to, but I can't help the way I feel. We have become good friends over the last several months, and can sit and talk for hours about all kinds of things. She has confided in me as a friend on a lot of different things, and I really enjoy being there for her as a friend.

Here's my question: Do I tell her how I feel? I really truly do care about her as a friend, and don't want to jeopardize that, but I am feeling so much more. Every day I go to work I am miserable. I want to tell her how I feel. Although I've told her that I do care about her alot, and that if she ever needs a friend I will always be there, I don't think she knows the full extent of my feelings. I'm not even sure I do.

On top of all this, I still love my wife very much. I'm not sure why I'm even having these feelings for this other girl. Maybe it's just an infatuation brought on by her recent confidences in me? I feel horrible for even liking this other girl, because my wife is truly a wonderful person. All I know is that it's getting harder and harder to keep my feelings to myself.

What do you think I should do? Tell her? Serious advice is truly appreciated.

Thanks.

 

[Celtic_Emperor]

Hello everyone. I am in need of some "relationship" advice and, although it doesn't have anything to do with tickling, I thought this would be a good place to post my question. I know I will get honest, open minded advice from the people here. Here's my situation:

I am a 35 year old married male. I have been married for 9 years, and dated my wife for nearly 7 years before we married. Like a lot of marriages, ours is very comfortable, but it has lost alot of the pizzaz that marriages tend to lose over time. I don't want to say I'm bored, but there really isn't a lot of passion.

There is a girl at work who I have always thought was attractive but recently have started to develop deeper feelings for. Although I can't say for sure, because I'm really confused over what I'm feeling, and why, I think I may be falling in love with her. I don't want to, but I can't help the way I feel. We have become good friends over the last several months, and can sit and talk for hours about all kinds of things. She has confided in me as a friend on a lot of different things, and I really enjoy being there for her as a friend.

Here's my question: Do I tell her how I feel? I really truly do care about her as a friend, and don't want to jeopardize that, but I am feeling so much more. Every day I go to work I am miserable. I want to tell her how I feel. Although I've told her that I do care about her alot, and that if she ever needs a friend I will always be there, I don't think she knows the full extent of my feelings. I'm not even sure I do.

On top of all this, I still love my wife very much. I'm not sure why I'm even having these feelings for this other girl. Maybe it's just an infatuation brought on by her recent confidences in me? I feel horrible for even liking this other girl, because my wife is truly a wonderful person. All I know is that it's getting harder and harder to keep my feelings to myself.

What do you think I should do? Tell her? Serious advice is truly appreciated.

Thanks.

I don't think you should tell her you like her at all. You'd be opening up a whole new can of worms with that. If she sees you're that vulnerable, she may try to console you, and naturally you will feel more attracted to her. You'd also be putting her in this love triangle business and thats not fair to her, as it is not fair for your wife to become a third wheel.

It's obviously not worth risking your marriage over it and ruining friendships.

The problem seems to be that your wife no longer makes you feel special, which perhaps suggests that something is lacking in communication in the needs you both have. For all you know your wife feels the same way, and it's not just you in a rut. Your friend is your crutch right now, and I'd try to avoid that.

I'd try rediscovering what it was that made you fall in love with your wife and doing what you can to reclaim those special times.

For whatever reasons, this close friend of yours is satisfying you in a way your wife no longer does, and from what I can tell, it seems like it's about hearing you, listening to you, and being able to unburden yourself on someone else.

It doesn't at all seem like a physical attraction. You're being romanced by your friend's kindness, and you're treading on thin ice because of it. Some people mistake care and attention for love, especially in one-way relationships where one ends up feeling something and the other is oblivious.

I'd sooner talk to your wife about this than your friend.

You need to reestablish the bonds that brought you two together. If the marriage feels stagnant, it's probably because of several issues that have been building up. I highly doubt you suddenly just felt this way.

Do you feel neglected?

What is it your wife can do to comfort you?

Give me a scenario, however selfish, for when you come home from work, and tell me what role your wife has in it.

The truth is, this is all completely reversable, but you have to find the cause of this shift in love, first.

The love you're feeling for your friend are feelings you should be having for your wife. It seems to me they've switched roles in your mind, as far as their importance, and how they both complete you and what they do to make you happy, both as individuals as a network of support.

You haven't lost this yet, and given your dedication and love for your wife, it would be horrible to slowly see you both punished because of this.

You may also want to consider a professional marriage councelor. In fact, at this stage, I would recommend it, since you're already borderlining an affair.

You're having an emotional affair on your wife, and you need to at least stop it until you can sort things out.

Until then, I'd suggest distancing yourself from this friend, or at least not allow yourself get any further into the relationship.

 

[Ticklish Old Man]

Hi There,
I too am a married male of 17 years.
I understand your dilema, but advise not to let your marriage go, especially if you and your wife still feel for each other as you did on your wedding night!
I understand your attraction to another woman - but my advice is just keep it as friends.
I'm afraid my advice would be to keep the relationship with this other woman at work strictly as friends to admit your feeling might complicate your friendship.
Don't lose your marriage to a woman at work, as it might not work out - now your completely alone.
Just be her friend and be there for support when the woman at work needs somebody to talk to.
I know where you're coming from, I too have chatted to a woman at work, and although she is single we flirt alittle with each other, yes I would love to get into a relationship with her, but I feel it's safer to keep our relationship strictly as friends.
I hope this has helped.
Good Luck,

 

[TheChameleon]

I would say your best bet would be what Vlad said. Not exactly with the councilor or anything, way too much money spent there. Just tell your wife whats up. If your wife gets mad because this girl at work happens to spur you the right way, well, then your wife needs to work on gettin' her spur goin' again, right?

I suggest you try to do cute little things for your wife, things that 1st and 2nd daters do, stuff like bring her a flower home from work every day. Then, about 3-4 weeks later, bring her home a treebranch, and say, "Well... they ran out of flowers..." y'know, cute little things.

Things like this, you spicing up your marriage will hopefully cause your wife to do the same. If not, THEN talk to her about it.

Because, sometimes talking to her about something like this can cause damage. Especially when your using such words as love, for the third party.

Though, I don't know the whole situation, nor do I claim to. I just hope you do what YOU feel is right, no matter what anybody says.

Remember though, your decision can effect the rest of your life and everybody around you.

 

[Cbarton]

Rekindle the romance with your wife. Your committent is to her first, forsaking all others.

Avoid any realtionship other than professional with the other woman. I've fought those feeling myself at times. Telling the other woman's feelings risks her reciprocating, esp. at a time of weakness for you.

Like Chameleon said above, start courtng her again. IF you're gonna have an affair, make it with your wife! Start one with her. My wife and I did that, and it restarted some fires in us. Get babysitters if you have to. Do whatever it takes to presevre your marraige. She is to be the focus of your energies.

 

[lcs1]

Thank you everyone for the thoughtful advice. I am finding that everyone has very much the same opinion. While I truly do care alot about this girl at work, I know that my marriage to my wife as well as my friendship with this girl are both too important to me to risk. I'm hoping that my feelings for this girl can return to their core, a solid and true friendship, and this infatuation will pass. The advice received here will certainly help while that process occurs.

Thanks again friends.

 

[Celtic_Emperor]

Thank you everyone for the thoughtful advice. I am finding that everyone has very much the same opinion. While I truly do care alot about this girl at work, I know that my marriage to my wife as well as my friendship with this girl are both too important to me to risk. I'm hoping that my feelings for this girl can return to their core, a solid and true friendship, and this infatuation will pass. The advice received here will certainly help while that process occurs.

Thanks again friends.

As I said before, the infatuation is inflated right now because things are out of balance. Be happy, though, because this will be set right when you reestablish things between your wife and yourself, you fix what needs to be fixed, and you reestablish those bonds. The advanced feelings for the worker friend will subside back to what they were because that intimacy is being had where it needs to be- in your home with your wife.

I wish you the best.

 

[kopfhorer1]

Apart from the very solid advice which the others have given here, I would like to add that affairs of any kind in a workplace are highly unadvisable because:

1 - If the affair goes south, you're still stuck seeing each other, every working day.
2 - If the affair goes south, she may decide to play the "sexual harassment" card. Seeking revenge by misusing laws and company rules meant to protect innocent people from inappropriate sexual advances is mighty low, but it does happen.
3 - Jealous co-workers might try to mess with you or your job.