Texas_Tickle
4th Level Orange Feather
- Joined
- Aug 28, 2002
- Messages
- 2,950
- Points
- 38
Albuquerque
by "Weird Al" Yankovic
Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs
in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from
Jerry's Bait Shop... You know the place... Well anyway, back then life was
going swell and everything was juuuuust peachy!!! Except of course for the
undeniable fact that every single morning my mother would make me a big ol'
bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast.
Dawww!! Big bowl of sauerkraut!
Every single mornin'! It was driving me crazy.
I said to my mom, I said, "Hey, mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut?" And
my dear, sweet mother, she just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming
train. And she leaned right down next to me, and she said, "IT'S GOOD FOR
YOU!" And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth and
force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was 26 and a half years old.
That's when I swore that someday, someday I would get outta that basement
and travel to a magical, far away place, where the sun is always shining and
the air smells like warm root beer, and the towels are oh so fluffy! Where
the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long, and anyone on
the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel!
Wacka wacka, doo doo, yeah!
Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came
true. Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest to
see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's
butt. I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize. That's right, a
first class, one-way ticket...
to Albuquerque!
Albuquerque!
Oh yeah. You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before, and I gotta
tell ya, it was really great... except that I had to sit between two large
Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor. And the little kid in
back of me kept throwin' up the whole time. The flight attendants ran out of
Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts, and the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with
Pauly Shore...and, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out, and we
went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside and the plane exploded in a
giant fireball and everybody died. Except for me. You know why?
'Cause I had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Ah-ha-ha-ha. Ah-ha-ha. Aahhh. So I crawled from the twisted, burnin'
wreckage, I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days, draggin'
along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag and my tenor saxophone and
my 12-pound bowlin' ball and my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark
snorkel. But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn
where the towels are oh so fluffy! And you can eat your soup right out of
the ashtrays if you wanna. It's OK, they're clean.
Well, I checked into my room, and I turned down the A/C, and I turned on the
SpectraVision, and I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my
pillow that I love so very, very much, when suddenly there's a knock on the
door. Well, now, who could that be?
I say, "Who is it?" No answer.
"Who is it?" There's no answer.
"WHO IS IT!?" They're not sayin' anything.
So finally, I go over and I open the door, and just as I suspected, it's
some big, fat hermaphrodite with a Flock of Seagulls haircut, and only one
nostril. Oh, man, I hate it when I'm right. So, anyway, he bursts into my
room, and he grabs my lucky snorkel, and I'm like, "Hey, you can't have
that! That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me."
And he's like, "Tough!"
And I'm like, "Give it!"
And he's like, "Make me!"
And I'm like, "'kay!"
So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus, and I bit off his ear and
he chewed off my eyebrows, and I took out his appendix and he gave me a
colonic irrigation, yes indeed, you better believe it. And somehow in the
middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook. And twenty seconds
later, I heard a familiar voice. And you know what it said? I'll tell ya
what it said!
It said, "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.
If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator.
If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.
If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator."
In Albuquerque!
Albuquerque!
Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel. But I made a
solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest, I would not sleep for
an instant, until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice. But first,
I decided to buy some donuts. So I got in my car, and I drove over to the
donut shop, and I walked on up to the guy behind the counter and he says,
"Yeah, whaddaya want??"
I said, "You got any glazed donuts?"
He said, "Nah, we're outta glazed donuts."
I say, "Well, you got any jelly donuts?"
He said, "No, we're outta jelly donuts."
I said, "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"
He said, "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts."
I said, "You got any cinnamon rolls?"
He said, "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls!"
I said, "You got any apple fritters?"
He said, "No, we're outta apple fritters!"
I said, "You got any bear claws?"
He said, "Wait a minute, I'll go check."
"No, we're outta bear claws!"
I said, "Well, in that case... in that case, what do you have?"
He says, "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving crazed
weasels."
I said, "OK, I'll take that."
So he hands me the box, and I open up the lid, and the weasels jump out and
they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over. Oh, man,
they were just goin' nuts! They were tearin' me apart! You know, I think it
was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head.
I believe it went a little somethin' like this:
DOH! Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me! Ohhh! No, get 'em off, get 'em off! Oh,
oh God, oh God! Oh, get 'em off me! Oh, oh God! Ah,
AaaaaaahhhhhhhhhOhhhhhhhhhh!
I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face,
wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin' like a
constipated wiener dog. And as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran
into the girl of my dreams. Her name was Zelda. She was a calligraphy
enthusiast, with a slight overbite, and hair the color of strained peaches.
I'll never forget the very first thing she said to me. She said, "Hey,
you've got weasels on your face."
That's when I knew it was true love. We were inseparable after that. Aw, we
ate together, we bathed together, we even shared the same piece of
mint-flavored dental floss. The world was our burrito. So we got married,
and we bought us a house and had two beautiful children, Nathaniel and
Superfly. Oh we were so very, very, very happy, aw yeah. But then, one
fateful night, Zelda said to me, she said, "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna
join the Columbia Record Club?" I said, "Woah! Hold on now, baby! I'm just
not ready for that kind of a commitment!"
So we broke up, and I never saw her again, but that's just the way things
go...
in Albuquerque!
Albuquerque!
Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me, because about a week later,
I finally achieved my lifelong dream. That's right, I got me a part-time job
at the Sizzler! I even made employee of the month after I put out that
grease fire with my face. Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after
that. I was gettin' a lot of attitude.
OK, like one time, I was out in the parkin' lot, tryin' to remove my excess
earwax with a golf pencil, when I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big
ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself. So I-I say to him, I say, "Hey, you
want me to help you with that?" And Marty, he just rolls his eyes, and goes,
"No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw!" So I did.
And then he gets all indignant on me. He's like, "Hey, man, I was just being
sarcastic!" Well, that's just great. How was I supposed to know that? I'm
not a mind reader, for cryin' out loud. Besides, now he's got a really cute
nickname - Torso-Boy! So what's he complaining about?
Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote. This guy comes up to me on
the street and he tells me he hasn't had a bite in three days. Well, I knew
what he meant, but just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular
vein. And he's yelling and screaming and bleeding all over, and I'm like,
"Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?" But he just keeps rolling around on the
sidewalk, bleeding and screaming, "Aaaahhhh! AaaaahhhhOhhhhh! Aaaaahhhh!"
You know, completely missing the irony of the whole situation. Man, some
people just can't take a joke, you know?
Anyway, um...um...where was I? Kinda lost my train of thought.
Uh, well, uh, OK, anyway, I-I know it's kind of a roundabout way of saying
it, but, I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is...
I HATE SAUERKRAUT!
That's all I'm really tryin' to say. And, by the way, if one day you happen
to wake up and find yourself in an existential quandry, full of loathing and
self-doubt and wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful
meaningless existence, at least you can take a small bit of comfort in
knowing that somewhere out there in this crazy ol' mixed-up universe of
ours, there's still a little place
called Albuquerque!
Albuquerque!
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
I said A! (A!)
L! (L!)
B! (B!)
U! (U!)
querque! (querque!)
(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)
(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)
(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)
(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)
by "Weird Al" Yankovic
Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs
in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from
Jerry's Bait Shop... You know the place... Well anyway, back then life was
going swell and everything was juuuuust peachy!!! Except of course for the
undeniable fact that every single morning my mother would make me a big ol'
bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast.
Dawww!! Big bowl of sauerkraut!
Every single mornin'! It was driving me crazy.
I said to my mom, I said, "Hey, mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut?" And
my dear, sweet mother, she just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming
train. And she leaned right down next to me, and she said, "IT'S GOOD FOR
YOU!" And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth and
force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was 26 and a half years old.
That's when I swore that someday, someday I would get outta that basement
and travel to a magical, far away place, where the sun is always shining and
the air smells like warm root beer, and the towels are oh so fluffy! Where
the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long, and anyone on
the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel!
Wacka wacka, doo doo, yeah!
Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came
true. Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest to
see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's
butt. I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize. That's right, a
first class, one-way ticket...
to Albuquerque!
Albuquerque!
Oh yeah. You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before, and I gotta
tell ya, it was really great... except that I had to sit between two large
Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor. And the little kid in
back of me kept throwin' up the whole time. The flight attendants ran out of
Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts, and the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with
Pauly Shore...and, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out, and we
went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside and the plane exploded in a
giant fireball and everybody died. Except for me. You know why?
'Cause I had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Ah-ha-ha-ha. Ah-ha-ha. Aahhh. So I crawled from the twisted, burnin'
wreckage, I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days, draggin'
along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag and my tenor saxophone and
my 12-pound bowlin' ball and my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark
snorkel. But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn
where the towels are oh so fluffy! And you can eat your soup right out of
the ashtrays if you wanna. It's OK, they're clean.
Well, I checked into my room, and I turned down the A/C, and I turned on the
SpectraVision, and I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my
pillow that I love so very, very much, when suddenly there's a knock on the
door. Well, now, who could that be?
I say, "Who is it?" No answer.
"Who is it?" There's no answer.
"WHO IS IT!?" They're not sayin' anything.
So finally, I go over and I open the door, and just as I suspected, it's
some big, fat hermaphrodite with a Flock of Seagulls haircut, and only one
nostril. Oh, man, I hate it when I'm right. So, anyway, he bursts into my
room, and he grabs my lucky snorkel, and I'm like, "Hey, you can't have
that! That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me."
And he's like, "Tough!"
And I'm like, "Give it!"
And he's like, "Make me!"
And I'm like, "'kay!"
So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus, and I bit off his ear and
he chewed off my eyebrows, and I took out his appendix and he gave me a
colonic irrigation, yes indeed, you better believe it. And somehow in the
middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook. And twenty seconds
later, I heard a familiar voice. And you know what it said? I'll tell ya
what it said!
It said, "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.
If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator.
If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.
If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator."
In Albuquerque!
Albuquerque!
Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel. But I made a
solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest, I would not sleep for
an instant, until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice. But first,
I decided to buy some donuts. So I got in my car, and I drove over to the
donut shop, and I walked on up to the guy behind the counter and he says,
"Yeah, whaddaya want??"
I said, "You got any glazed donuts?"
He said, "Nah, we're outta glazed donuts."
I say, "Well, you got any jelly donuts?"
He said, "No, we're outta jelly donuts."
I said, "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"
He said, "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts."
I said, "You got any cinnamon rolls?"
He said, "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls!"
I said, "You got any apple fritters?"
He said, "No, we're outta apple fritters!"
I said, "You got any bear claws?"
He said, "Wait a minute, I'll go check."
"No, we're outta bear claws!"
I said, "Well, in that case... in that case, what do you have?"
He says, "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving crazed
weasels."
I said, "OK, I'll take that."
So he hands me the box, and I open up the lid, and the weasels jump out and
they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over. Oh, man,
they were just goin' nuts! They were tearin' me apart! You know, I think it
was just about that time that a little ditty started goin' through my head.
I believe it went a little somethin' like this:
DOH! Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me! Ohhh! No, get 'em off, get 'em off! Oh,
oh God, oh God! Oh, get 'em off me! Oh, oh God! Ah,
AaaaaaahhhhhhhhhOhhhhhhhhhh!
I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face,
wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin' like a
constipated wiener dog. And as luck would have it, that's exactly when I ran
into the girl of my dreams. Her name was Zelda. She was a calligraphy
enthusiast, with a slight overbite, and hair the color of strained peaches.
I'll never forget the very first thing she said to me. She said, "Hey,
you've got weasels on your face."
That's when I knew it was true love. We were inseparable after that. Aw, we
ate together, we bathed together, we even shared the same piece of
mint-flavored dental floss. The world was our burrito. So we got married,
and we bought us a house and had two beautiful children, Nathaniel and
Superfly. Oh we were so very, very, very happy, aw yeah. But then, one
fateful night, Zelda said to me, she said, "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna
join the Columbia Record Club?" I said, "Woah! Hold on now, baby! I'm just
not ready for that kind of a commitment!"
So we broke up, and I never saw her again, but that's just the way things
go...
in Albuquerque!
Albuquerque!
Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me, because about a week later,
I finally achieved my lifelong dream. That's right, I got me a part-time job
at the Sizzler! I even made employee of the month after I put out that
grease fire with my face. Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after
that. I was gettin' a lot of attitude.
OK, like one time, I was out in the parkin' lot, tryin' to remove my excess
earwax with a golf pencil, when I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big
ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself. So I-I say to him, I say, "Hey, you
want me to help you with that?" And Marty, he just rolls his eyes, and goes,
"No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw!" So I did.
And then he gets all indignant on me. He's like, "Hey, man, I was just being
sarcastic!" Well, that's just great. How was I supposed to know that? I'm
not a mind reader, for cryin' out loud. Besides, now he's got a really cute
nickname - Torso-Boy! So what's he complaining about?
Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote. This guy comes up to me on
the street and he tells me he hasn't had a bite in three days. Well, I knew
what he meant, but just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular
vein. And he's yelling and screaming and bleeding all over, and I'm like,
"Hey, come on, don'tcha get it?" But he just keeps rolling around on the
sidewalk, bleeding and screaming, "Aaaahhhh! AaaaahhhhOhhhhh! Aaaaahhhh!"
You know, completely missing the irony of the whole situation. Man, some
people just can't take a joke, you know?
Anyway, um...um...where was I? Kinda lost my train of thought.
Uh, well, uh, OK, anyway, I-I know it's kind of a roundabout way of saying
it, but, I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is...
I HATE SAUERKRAUT!
That's all I'm really tryin' to say. And, by the way, if one day you happen
to wake up and find yourself in an existential quandry, full of loathing and
self-doubt and wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful
meaningless existence, at least you can take a small bit of comfort in
knowing that somewhere out there in this crazy ol' mixed-up universe of
ours, there's still a little place
called Albuquerque!
Albuquerque!
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)
I said A! (A!)
L! (L!)
B! (B!)
U! (U!)
querque! (querque!)
(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)
(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)
(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)
(Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque)
