Am I supposed to experience real torture?

[findingstrength]

Hi,

My partner has expressed that tickle torture is a fundamental part of them and it hurts them to repress it.

I misunderstood at first, I thought their kink was for tickling itself, and we've enjoyed playful/bedroom tickling that feels positive, lighthearted and makes me feel happy.

But they revealed to me that they're unhappy because it's not fulfilling the part of them that wants to torture me.

I'm ok with roleplay where I pretend but really I'm comfortable, but I'm confused how much tickle torture content seems to be around experiencing genuine distress and torture and pushing through it.

We tried to have a longer session, and I could enjoy 20 minutes of light gentle tickling and it felt pleasant. I was laughing and happy. But they weren't satisfied because they wanted to be more rough with me, to dig in hard and make it hurt (but they want me to enjoy being hurt).

I tried to push myself and I thought (they agreed) that I needed to be trained to endure painful tickling, and to endure it being actually distressing, because this is what pleases them. They emphasised they do want me to enjoy the distress.

But I'm suffering after effects even after the small amount of experimenting where they tickled me in ways I didn't like that felt violent, and feeling pressure that I have to learn to endure it. Otherwise it won't satisfy the torture part of them.

I'm confused and even though they try to assure me they're educated, they've mainly just watched a lot of porn and read forums like this one a long time ago. I've asked for many years for them to learn about BDSM principles and how to negotiate with me, but they insisted on a trial and error approach even when I really didn't want that.

Sometimes they say that I don't have a tickle kink, because if I did, I would simply be asking them to torture me and it would be easy.

Please, if you can respond, please can you be more nuanced than assuming I'm abused and telling me to leave them. If you can see both me and partner in good faith, maybe ignorant but able to learn, I would appreciate that.

Thank you for any input.

 

[Straps&Laughter]

As a disclaimer: There is nothing wrong with his desires, or your boundaries.

There are a thousand motives that can lead your partner to want you experiencing more intense experiences, and without a much longer conversation, I can't speak to the nuance of all of them - so here is my own experience.

Tickling enables a form of power exchange for me that is central to my enjoyment. The lighter version you have enjoyed is fun and can be mutually rewarding, but for me to experience my best-case-scenario of satisfying my kink, my partner needs to experience desperation/a limit/begging for mercy. That kind of sacrifice on their part, willingly submitting to something too intense for them to endure and surrendering to me the power to make it stop, is part of my fulfillment.

I have had partners who enjoy that based on masochistic tendencies or submissive urges, and others who dislike that and want our experience to be more mutual and collaborative. Both are valid.

I will note that you are right: learning about BDSM principles and negotiation is important for you and your partner, and their insistence on "trial and error" is.... if not a red flag, certainly a salmon-pink one. You both might benefit from exploring their resistance to that... if it is rooted in the idea that you would say "no" to what they wanted during negotiation but endure it due to "trial and error", you should talk through that ethical snag.

(As another personal anecdote, I have had partners agree to things I never thought they would be open to during BDSM negotiation, and it built trust between us while creating a very fulfilling experience for all involved.)

 

[WickedTouch]

Honestly, I think they are coming from a place that I see a lot of ticklers in the community come from. I'm not going to call it abusive, but it is unhealthy. It's not wrong for them to want what they want, but it is wrong to expect it of others. Negotiation, communication, and understanding are foundational elements necessary to any relationship. A lot of ticklers (and ticklees from their own viewpoint) who have not had much life experience in the tickling world get lost in the fantasy. It's starts out as fantastical curiosity, but when not tempered in the fires of real-world interactions, becomes unempathic, unrealistic, purely self-serving fantasy.

I don't think your partner is a bad person–or I certainly won't jump to that conclusion, not knowing either of you–but I do think they've craved this for so long that they've become less flexible with it. I'd say the grand majority of us feel very misunderstood and some even bitter to the rest of the world due to having such a rare kink with few outlets.

As far as the "torture" part, that is not all Ticklephiles' perspective. Many like light playful tickling, while others like the all out tickle torture (even the ticklees), but it varies wildly. Your partner's perspective on what you'd be like if you had a tickle fetish, and their own perspective of it are narrowed to their own personal desires and do not speak for the community. I personally love extreme tickle torture. It's a huge turn on, but I also appreciate the lighter stuff and don't want to put someone through something they legitimately don't want to experience. A lot of people who like the extreme stuff are looking for the reactions and the begging. When you say it's painful, I pause and wonder if you mean literal pain as in they're pressing too hard, or if it tickles so much that you are experiencing difficulty in tolerating it through your laughter. Most of us (but not all) would not like the former, but love the latter). If you are experiencing the first one, it means they might not have good technique, they might have mistaken your reactions as just being ticklish, or they are also a pain sadist.

The videos and stories online often capture fantasy more than reality–or blend them together. If that's their only experience other than with you, then they are rubbing up against cold, hard reality for the first time, and that's tough. Be understanding, as it seems you are, but don't compromise your own limits and values in the process. You are allowed to, and should, establish your own boundaries and they should be respected.

 

[Cosmo_ac]

Before I get into a more detailed response, I have to ask a few questions.

1. You say he tickles you too hard/painfully for your liking. To clarify, do you mean that the tickling is too intense and your laughing too hard, or do you mean that he is literally pressing into your skin hard enough that it hurts, possibly leaving bruises?

2. When you say stop/use a safeword, does he stop?

 

[Sunriseticklee]

No! It is not supposed to painful, violent, and abusive in any way. You extended yourself and you tried it. You do not enjoy it or want it. Therefore, when you negotiate consent for future sessions, you can say no and make it clear that this type of tickling is not to happen to you again.

To be clear, hard/ rough / painful tickling is not synonymous with intense / torturous tickling. Ticklers don't have to make their ticklees feel like their spleens are being punched to get the job done.

Besides it being hard and painful, sounds like you don't like prolonged torturous sessions anyway. Guess what? You don't have to, and you don't have to consent to it.

My advice is to state and stick to your boundaries. It shouldn't be a experience like you described unless that is what you actually desire.

I am very alarmed.
And an educated tickler would know better. It's the "top's" job to protect, communicate, and drive the scene in a way that provides pleasure to everyone in the scene. You should feel safe, heard, loved, and any other words that describe a sense of enjoyment and exhilaration...

😡

 

[aberdeen]

All the points here are valid. But one comment does stand out is that tickle 'torture' (for most of us in the fixation) does not mean painful tickling! Soft grazing tickles when performed relentlessly will put you into a state of hyper stimulation that you may not be able to tolerate easily...but its not painful physically.
And even massage tickling or pressing into the rib cage can be incredibly intense and essentially intolerable...but not painful...
so if your tickler cant tickle without causing actual pain...then that is a huge red flag!

The power dynamic mentioned is why many people lump tickling into the BDSM scene...and certainly there are many couples (LERs and LEEs I mean) who incorporate bondage into their tickle play ... imho it is the only way to thoroughly 'test one's limits' (and you'd be surprised how much stimulation a person can take and still not be 'torturously intolerable".....I think of tickle 'torture' as being prolonged, where you're allowed to test the Lee's limits, but as adults we do need to establish boundaries so no-one gets physically or psychologically hurt if the LER just cant seem to control their tickling activity and keep it fun and comfortable for the Lee who is gracious enough to allow themselves to be tested this way. Although I have done some intense tickling, it was never to create 'suffering or pain' but to experience the fun responses when you have the Lee frantic and out of control...responding to your words and teasing as well as physical actions. Its a fun partnership to experience for sure, but takes cooperation and understanding from both participants.

But if you and your partner are willing to learn, there may be a tickle therapy service in Florida I believe that used to offer tickling sessions like you'd book a pedicure..and I seem to remember they may have had couples classes to teach and learn the art of tickling.
I do hope you can find some common ground and a consensus on the level of tickle play will satisfy both your desires and needs.