Limeoutsider
1st Level Green Feather
- Joined
- Nov 6, 2002
- Messages
- 4,124
- Points
- 0
Ads in Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with
your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff
junk mail in with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check
when I mail it in. Coffee grinds banana peels...I write, "Could you
throw this away for me? Thank you."
Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that
stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) "Married"
(walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that
ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Cripes: My wife's from the Mid-west. Very nice people there. Very
wholesome. They use words like "Cripes." For Cripe's sake. Who would that
be, Jesus Cripes? The son of "Gosh?" of the church of "Holy Moly" I'm
not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in "Heck"?
Morning Differences: Men and women are different in the morning. The men
wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we
want you. And the women are thinking, "how can he want me the way I look in
the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere
near our optic nerve.
Pregnancy: It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. say, "Oh my
god. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?" I always feel awkward
reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your
stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my god...give me your hand...
It won't be long now..."
Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, "sexy
Senior Citizen" You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do
you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got
that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
Reverse Life Cycle: The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I
mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the
end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all
backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in
an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold
watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to
enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for
high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have
no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb,
you spend your last nine months floating...you finish off as an orgasm.
Prisons: Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house
each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece, I'll take a few
prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the
windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I
think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and
generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in
the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
Award Shows: Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have
awards for commercials. The Clio Awards. A whole show full of commercials.
I taped it and then I fast forwarded through the whole thing.
Phone-in Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on
different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't
know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote.... They're voting "I don't
know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into
phone) I DON'T KNOW! (Hangs up, looking proud). Sometimes you have to stand
up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls
up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."
Answering Machine: Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages
on someone's answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying
it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is "share
the love." "Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling.... Speaking
of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."
your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff
junk mail in with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check
when I mail it in. Coffee grinds banana peels...I write, "Could you
throw this away for me? Thank you."
Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that
stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) "Married"
(walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that
ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Cripes: My wife's from the Mid-west. Very nice people there. Very
wholesome. They use words like "Cripes." For Cripe's sake. Who would that
be, Jesus Cripes? The son of "Gosh?" of the church of "Holy Moly" I'm
not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in "Heck"?
Morning Differences: Men and women are different in the morning. The men
wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we
want you. And the women are thinking, "how can he want me the way I look in
the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere
near our optic nerve.
Pregnancy: It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. say, "Oh my
god. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?" I always feel awkward
reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your
stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my god...give me your hand...
It won't be long now..."
Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, "sexy
Senior Citizen" You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do
you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got
that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
Reverse Life Cycle: The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I
mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the
end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all
backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in
an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold
watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to
enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for
high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have
no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb,
you spend your last nine months floating...you finish off as an orgasm.
Prisons: Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house
each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece, I'll take a few
prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the
windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I
think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and
generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in
the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
Award Shows: Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have
awards for commercials. The Clio Awards. A whole show full of commercials.
I taped it and then I fast forwarded through the whole thing.
Phone-in Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on
different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't
know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote.... They're voting "I don't
know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into
phone) I DON'T KNOW! (Hangs up, looking proud). Sometimes you have to stand
up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls
up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."
Answering Machine: Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages
on someone's answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying
it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is "share
the love." "Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling.... Speaking
of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."
