Animals you could beat up

[Headsnap]

So a friend of mine and I were enjoying a snifter of sherry in the local gentlemen's retreat and we got to talking. We're both into our martial arts, and as such the subject came up of how the Chinese kung fu schools were inspired by the movements of animals.

Naturally this descended into a discussion of how martial arts techniques could be used against animals that were attacking you, which degenerated further into which animals we reckoned we could take in a fight and why. here's my list:

1. A wolf. Wolves are not tough creatures; even in packs their ratio of kills to hunts is fairly low, and let's face it they're just dogs with slightly bigger teeth. They're not deadly quick, they're not massively strong, evade their bite and lock in a good old triangle choke and they'll be out for the count fairly quickly.

2. A gorilla. Gorillas are just like big humans with lots of hair. A lot is made of how strong they are, but at the end of the day their pressure points are most likely the same as a human's meaning a good boshiken to the temple or fingertip to the larynx is going to hurt them, leaving them prone for a good old triangle choke-out.

3. A hyena. These things are like Wolf Plus, they're big weird dog things with big shoulders and a bite that causes tetanus. Evade the bite, slap on a triangle choke and watch it pass out.

4. A chimpanzee. The triangle choke wouldn't be required here, a few stiff blows to the face followed by an armbar would probably send a chimp packing. If the chimpanzee is a mandrill you could always make it a crippler crossface to prevent it from biting you as you're applying the armbar.

5. A komodo dragon. They're quick, but they're not strong. The only thing they have going for them is a disgustingly putrid bite that causes scepticemia. Goad the dragon into biting a piece of taffy and, while it's trying to chew the taffy, whip around to the side and slap on a triangle choke for great success. Their hind legs are fairly stiff and sturdy so the triangle choke can easily be developed into a musclebuster-hangman chokehold if you feel like showboating a bit, maybe if there are other dragons nearby and you want to demonstrate to them that you are not to be messed with.

6. A kangaroo. While it's trying to kick you, sweep it's tail then, as it is lying prostrate, slap on a triangle choke.


So those are the animals I could have in a fight. Anyone who owns any of these animals (or any other animal for that matter) should feel free to PM me so I can come and beat up your pets. What animals could YOU take in a fight?

 

[bass]

dude youve got to be crazy.. you slap a triangle choke on a wolf or a hyena and its going to bite your f*cking balls off.. think of how prone you are.. you arent in a sanctioned event with rules.. you are putting a triangle choke on a wild animal who is going to be frightened and upset by your confrontation.. you are going to lose your balls.. id stay away from the triangle chokes on animals bro.. arm triangles maybe, but not a full on triangle choke.. id rather risk some scratches and bites on my arms than losing my balls

easiest choke out for any animal would be the rear naked choke.. if they have teeth, you are behind them locking up their neck so they cant bite you, if they have claws they cant exactly reach you (or you could put them in a body triangle at the same time and cut off their circulation)..

plus look at it this way.. its all in the element of surprise.. if you run up and get a gorilla's back and lock in your hooks and get a solid grip around its neck and take it down at the same time (with momentum.. i dont think double legs would work with gorillas), your chances of surviving are WAY better than if you go just try to start scrapping and working for the triangle..

triangle choke is my favorite submission, but you gotta use your head brother

but if you ever put an armbar on a chimpanzee, take pictures.. id love to see that haha

p.s. nice thread though.. ill have to think of some good ones to fight.. like tasmasian devils.. me by flying armbar

 

[lespieds]

I have had to kick our dog's ass a couple times for chewing up the legs on furniture.
It is some kind of fox looking dog, but it is black and not red.

It thinks it is SO tough, but it is the biggest wuss in the world.

I think I could kick a polar bears ass.

 

[isabeau]

if i could i'd beat you up for that disgusting siggy pic lol...

i would listen to Bass...he's an expert in martial arts...

Headsnap you are a goof...

 

[Headsnap]

dude youve got to be crazy.. you slap a triangle choke on a wolf or a hyena and its going to bite your f*cking balls off.. think of how prone you are.. you arent in a sanctioned event with rules.. you are putting a triangle choke on a wild animal who is going to be frightened and upset by your confrontation.. you are going to lose your balls.. id stay away from the triangle chokes on animals bro.. arm triangles maybe, but not a full on triangle choke.. id rather risk some scratches and bites on my arms than losing my balls

You raise an interesting point there Mister Bass, although I disagree that the best chokehold for animals is the rear naked choke. Surely the hangman has it's merits, especially for four-legged beasts whose spines are shaped differently than ours, because not only is the hangman choking them it's also putting pressure upon their spine and it would look quite funny to put a wolf in a hangman chokehold. Or a pig.

Also do you agree with my assessment of the komodo dragon? I would also like your input as to how best to perform a piledriver on a farmyard pig without it biting me. At the moment I'm thinking "break it's jaw first".

 

[lespieds]

Now why you wanting to go fight with an animal anyways?

Even a frightened human is less dangerous than any animal.
For their sizes, animals are much faster and stronger than even a well trained human.

Yeah anbd a hyena - I would not even want to look at one of those things cross eyed, let alone try to beat it up.

 

[ovation]

I guess the question you need to ask yourself about the animal you intend to fight is:

Does he know Kung Fu too!

Once you've established this important fact, you can assess the said animals weopons of choice i.e. bleedin' sharp teeth an' claws coupled with his possible knowledge of kung fu. At this very important juncture you might want to let said animal off the hook with a warning - just this once mind!

I jest! I did martial arts for about ten years, so I'm not deliberately taking the piss, it was very important to me at the time and I continue to carry with me the lessons learned through those years of training.

 

[bass]

You raise an interesting point there Mister Bass, although I disagree that the best chokehold for animals is the rear naked choke. Surely the hangman has it's merits, especially for four-legged beasts whose spines are shaped differently than ours, because not only is the hangman choking them it's also putting pressure upon their spine and it would look quite funny to put a wolf in a hangman chokehold. Or a pig.

Also do you agree with my assessment of the komodo dragon? I would also like your input as to how best to perform a piledriver on a farmyard pig without it biting me. At the moment I'm thinking "break it's jaw first".

the best chokehold for animals would be the RNC in MOST cases because of the leverage and stability you would get from it.. with a wolf for example, with the choke applied you would disable his main weapon, his teeth, and if you lock a body triangle on him so he couldnt squirm out, he would be basically stuck until he/it passed out

it all depends on the type of animal, the shape and structure of their bones, and their offensive/defensive properties..

your komono dragon for example.. i dont think a triangle choke would be a great idea.. it has the bite like you said, and it is probably alot more agile than you would be.. the taffy idea is a good idea, but a little silly if you are talking about combat.. if you tried to distract it with taffy and then tried to apply a triangle choke, it would still come after you in a second.. if it were just me and a komono dragon one on one, i would have to be more defensive than offensive.. wait for it to make a mistake.. i dont know of many subs that would work on a dragon though.. their neck is too thick/mishapen for a RNC, arms/legs are too short for armbars/kneebars.. triangle choke puts you at risk for a bite, as well as the gogoplata does.. i think with a dragon, unless you can get it in a fragile position, you are going to have to rely on something else like muay thai or kickboxing and just beat the fuck out of it.. lots of avoidance and counterattacks, unless you can take out something like its eyes or somehow break an arm/leg with strikes..

and about your pig.. if you don't want that thing to bite you, you are either going to have to do one of two things.. either 1) tackle it from behind and do some nice rolling, end up on your feet, and then piledrive it.. or 2) use muay thai knees and elbows to break its jaw and then piledrive it.. i dont know why you would want to piledrive a pig, but thats how i would go about it if it were attacking me and i wanted to piledrive it.. i would more than likely use muay thai knees and break its face, and then slam it down.. the knees are one of the hardest things to hit someone with (along with elbows)

i was trying to think of an animal that i would use a gogoplata on, but i couldnt think of one.. its rare enough in actual JJ competitions and MMA, so i think it would be a little harder to apply to an animal..

but i would love to pull a flying scissor heel hook (ala ryo chonan vs anderson silva) on a gorilla, even though i think it would just get angry and come after me with its one un-broken ankle haha

i love martial arts, so if you ever want to discuss it (even topics like this) feel free man.. jiujitsu is my passion

 

[Horatio]

Interesting.. I disagree with you on the gorilla and kangaroo, though you're probably correct about all the others (if it's a single wolf.. a pack would easily take even the most lethal MMA guy down of course)

I think the gorilla's skull is much thicker than a humans and the brain is smaller. They're just much much stronger than humans, although you might get lucky and get an arm bar, my guess is that a gorilla would own a human in the wild if it was pissed off.

I don't think you could sweep a kangaroo either - exceptional balance. Good news is they have little bitty arms, you for sure would have reach advantage if you could stay away from the kicks. So ,if you could get at least side control then, you would be able to throw elbows and finish it.

I don't think I would go with a triangle on the wolf - probably get your balls bitten off. Ground & pound I think is the strategy there too.

 

[bass]

if i could i'd beat you up for that disgusting siggy pic lol...

i would listen to Bass...he's an expert in martial arts...

Headsnap you are a goof...

haha i wouldnt say i am an expert.. but thank you..
i study and greatly respect all forms of martial arts and am soon to get the 7 codes of bushido tattooed along my right shoulder

 

[bass]

Interesting.. I disagree with you on the gorilla and kangaroo, though you're probably correct about all the others (if it's a single wolf.. a pack would easily take even the most lethal MMA guy down of course)

I think the gorilla's skull is much thicker than a humans and the brain is smaller. They're just much much stronger than humans, although you might get lucky and get an arm bar, my guess is that a gorilla would own a human in the wild if it was pissed off.

I don't think you could sweep a kangaroo either - exceptional balance. Good news is they have little bitty arms, you for sure would have reach advantage if you could stay away from the kicks.

I don't think I would go with a triangle on the wolf - probably get your balls bitten off. Ground & pound I think is the strategy there.

i agree.. a pack of wolves would easily take out even the toughest SOB on the planet if they all attacked at the same time..

i really don't see an armbar submission ever being pulled off on a gorilla.. its hard to even actualize a RNC, but an armbar seems less likely.. thats why i originally said if you can get its back and get it to the ground with the initial momentum (instead of single/double legs or judo or anything) and your hooks in and your arms tight, you could take a gorilla.. otherwise, a gorilla would be a nightmare for anyone to fight.. they would have size weight and strength on you, plus that animal instinct to protect themselves

and i thought the same thing about the kangaroo.. short arms, you would have to watch for the kicks, and an armbar is basically out of the picture.. how sweet would it be to get a kneebar on a kangaroo? haha.. but no, a kangaroo.. id take that one out via rear naked choke also..

and i already said you would get your balls bitten off by a wolf or hyena, so yea.. i definately agree with you there..

if i had known there were more martial arts enthusiasts on this site, i would have been alot happier (even though this is a very strange thread, though a good one)

 

[Flatfoot]

Thinking about grappling sessions at work, and how it's easy to break out of an armbar when you're stronger than the guy applying it, a gorilla would definitely own you if you tried to get it in an armbar.

How about a colossal squid? Who's got the grapefruits to take one of these suckers on?

<img src="http://xs201.xs.to/xs201/06230/ColossalSquid.jpg">

 

[Dussicar]

phhhtttt!

My cat could kick the crap out of ALL of you!!!

And she'll start with the squid.

 

[phfttklr]

All I ask is that you put whatever animal you decide to fight on Youtube...please!

A gorilla?!! He'd rip your arm off and beat your ass with your own arm,lol. I don't care if you could take Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris at the same time, you're not gonna win that fight ,ever.

Chimp might be a bit tough too, they're supposed to be 3 times as strong as a man. Hint, try the chimp first, if you had any trouble with him, don't go for the gorilla. The chimp might be more trusting, so you could have an outside shot. A good eye poke could help you in the beginning. I don't think they watch the three stooges, so they might not know the block move.

A wolf, is a squirmmy son of a bitch but you might pull it off. Blow in his face first...like all dogs,they hate that and it might give you an edge.

Hyena - see wolf.

Kangaroo- you'd have to make sure there isn't a little joey, otherwise he could sneak out and bite your nuts while your trying to choke the roo out.

The Komodo, I'm thinking might scratch the shit out of you while you're choking him out. Long claws those things but you might stand a chance. Squirmmy as hell too. PS, watch out for the tail.

Never did see a mention of a tiger here.

We have a satellite radio program in the US, ( Ron & Fez ) and Ron has done a bit where he talks about animals that he could take out with a punch and under what circumstances - makes me laugh everytime.

 

[drew70]

When you go after the gorilla, make sure somebody films it. Probably won't eat up too much memory.

 

[911]

So a friend of mine and I were enjoying a snifter of sherry in the local gentlemen's retreat and we got to talking. We're both into our martial arts, and as such the subject came up of how the Chinese kung fu schools were inspired by the movements of animals.

Naturally this descended into a discussion of how martial arts techniques could be used against animals that were attacking you, which degenerated further into which animals we reckoned we could take in a fight and why. here's my list:

1. A wolf. Wolves are not tough creatures; even in packs their ratio of kills to hunts is fairly low, and let's face it they're just dogs with slightly bigger teeth. They're not deadly quick, they're not massively strong, evade their bite and lock in a good old triangle choke and they'll be out for the count fairly quickly.

2. A gorilla. Gorillas are just like big humans with lots of hair. A lot is made of how strong they are, but at the end of the day their pressure points are most likely the same as a human's meaning a good boshiken to the temple or fingertip to the larynx is going to hurt them, leaving them prone for a good old triangle choke-out.

3. A hyena. These things are like Wolf Plus, they're big weird dog things with big shoulders and a bite that causes tetanus. Evade the bite, slap on a triangle choke and watch it pass out.

4. A chimpanzee. The triangle choke wouldn't be required here, a few stiff blows to the face followed by an armbar would probably send a chimp packing. If the chimpanzee is a mandrill you could always make it a crippler crossface to prevent it from biting you as you're applying the armbar.

5. A komodo dragon. They're quick, but they're not strong. The only thing they have going for them is a disgustingly putrid bite that causes scepticemia. Goad the dragon into biting a piece of taffy and, while it's trying to chew the taffy, whip around to the side and slap on a triangle choke for great success. Their hind legs are fairly stiff and sturdy so the triangle choke can easily be developed into a musclebuster-hangman chokehold if you feel like showboating a bit, maybe if there are other dragons nearby and you want to demonstrate to them that you are not to be messed with.

6. A kangaroo. While it's trying to kick you, sweep it's tail then, as it is lying prostrate, slap on a triangle choke.


So those are the animals I could have in a fight. Anyone who owns any of these animals (or any other animal for that matter) should feel free to PM me so I can come and beat up your pets. What animals could YOU take in a fight?

All those animals would kick your ass. If u triangle choke a wolf assuming you could get close enough it would bite off your balls. Have a wolf lock on to your arm then tell me it's not strong. Gorillas are quite a bit different from people for instintance one could easily snap you in half and pull your legs from around it's neck and rip them off your body.The hyena has one of the strongest bites in the animal kingdom designed to crack bone. A chimpanzee is 3 times stronger than a man and also comes equiped with strong teeth. The komodo dragon is strong enough to take down a buffalo and the bacteria in it's mouth is toxic to everything but its own kind not to mension there is no cure for it. And trying to sweep a kangeroo will fail unless you have 10 foot legs, even then it will most likely regain it's very good balence and kick u in the nuts. If your looking to find someone beatable who will actually be beating with a triangle choke stick to humans may I suggest young children.

 

[bass]

triangle choke on young children = not good

ease up brother

 

[asutickler]

Um, damn...

Methinks that the local McDojo has been feeding someone a large helping of Bullshido.

 

[Headsnap]

bass my man, your idea for muay thai elbows and knees did not work, the pig simply oinked and rolled away, Bujinkan-style, into a pool of it's own shit before beating me with a hanbo. Okay it wasn't a hanbo it bit my leg and I cried, but it still didn't work. I have rethought my tactics (i.e read the first 40 pages of The Tao Of Jeet Kun Do, in which Bruce Lee talks about why he charges $1,200 a day to be an instructor but is still like, totally Zen, man!) and will now be adopting the traditional Chinese approach to tackling this adversary. Namely I'm going to threaten it and it's family with a broom-handle Mauser, and if that doesn't work I'll pin a white lotus to it's front door and throw it off a balcony. I still maintain that my triangle choke idea is sound, though I will concede that to avoid being given a toothy vasectomy it might need to be an arm triangle. Or possibly be applied with the help of a tranquiliser dart and a length of rope.

By the by, if anyone ever wanted to know the answer to the question "Does an Anaconda choke work on an anaconda?", it's a resounding "no".

 

[911]

triangle choke on young children = not good

ease up brother

You sure? there are a lot of irratating kids out there. Only kidding..... sort of.