Answering Machine Messages

[njjen3953]

These are actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by
the World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine
Messages.

1. My wife & I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll
leave your name & number we'll get back to you as soon as we're
finished.

2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why
we're not here. So leave a message.

3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent
the money. If you are my parents please send money. If you are my
financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you
are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry I
have plenty of money.

4. Hi. Now you say something.

5. Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you
talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

6. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

7. (From Japanese friend): He-lo! This is Sa-to, If you leave
message, call you soon. If you leave "sexy" message I call sooner!

8. Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is the Refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with
one of these magnets.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub or time
sharing, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through
their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still
with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

10. This is not an answering machine this is a telepathic thought
recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason
for calling and a number where I can reach you and I'll think about
returning your call.

11. Hi I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you!

12. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

13. If you are a burglar, then we're probably home cleaning our
weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably
aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.

14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain
silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

15. Hello, you've reached Jim & Sonya. We can't pick up the phone
right now because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes
doing it up & down, and I like doing it left to right in a circular
motion.... ... real slow. So leave a message, and when we get done
brushing our teeth we'll return your call.

 

[Mimi]

LMAO! I've read those before, and they are great. In fact, for the longest time my voice mail message was the "this is the refrigerator" recording. That was always my favorite!

Mimi 🙂

 

[sole seeker]

LMAO!

 

[The Pianist]

I've heard a few interesting ones myself recently....

Was on the message bank of a friends phone:

BLLAAAHHH!!!

And on a friends answering machine:

......(20 seconds of badly recorded music).............................................................. .......................................................................... .......................................................................... ...................................................thisismelleaveamessagebye (in the space of half a second).

They were both.... interesting to recieve....

 

[TicklingDuo]

My brother used to have a great one. He loves doing voice impersonations. So, his outgoing message consisted of several well-know celebs letting people know he wasn't there. The single message included Dr. Ruth, Julia Childs, Marcelle Marso (?SP), and a few others. He has a gift for doing great messages like that. I wish I had that one on tape!

Ann

 

[Limeoutsider]

We tried #8 and #11. After heaing #11, most would leave messages about being rude and childish so we caved and changed it. Since we bought our new answering machine, we've left the pre-recordd message on it.

 

[His Divine Shadow]

I do know someone who put that "I'm too sexy..." song on for their machine. (I'm not kidding)

 

[RichardAuc]

Some of my old messages:

1. (Hispanic accent) Saludos, my darlings, and you know who are...but I don't, so tell me everything about you. (Pause) Wait a minute. (Pause again) Look into the phone. (Pause again) Look at you! You look marvelous!

2. Hello? (Pause) Hello? (Pause) Hello! (Pause) Ha ha! Fooled you! This is the answering machine, so please leave a message for...

3. I know you called for Richard, but he's not here, and I am, and answering machines need love too. So talk to me...please?

 

[P50]

-1-
Hold telephone handset far away from your mouth

-2-
Yell loudly "I got it !"

-3-
Hold telephone handset normally

-4-
Speak normally, "<I>Hello ?</I>" then pause

-5-
After the pause, ask the caller if they feel stupid talking to a machine. Tell the caller that the machine feels stupid talking to them. Then tell them that the stupidest thing of all are the people who call but won't leave messages

 

[P50]

-- One Of My Favorites ---

If the reason for your call is important enough to leave a message, please do so at the tone. If it isn't, then don't.

 

[maverick83]

My voice mail message:
(In a somewhat enthusiastic announcer-type voice)
This is Jason Everetts. You've reached my voice mail. My phone has a vibrating message alert, so you are talking to my crotch. At the tone, please leave a message.

 

[milagros317]

Very funny, Jen.😀

Here is a real answering machine message, from a misanthropic colleague of mine, named Martin:

"You have undoubtedly misdialed. If you believe not, then you may leave a message, but it won't do you any good."

After a while, Martin boasted, the message had had its desired effect: His own mother was the only person who still called him.