Attention Shybies!

[kopfhorer1]

Are you sick and tired of self-help books, CDs and web sites which only have the same old platitudes which don't help you one bit with shyness and social awkwardness but which make you feel like there's something wrong with you when their sage advice doesn't work?

I stumbled upon this site a few days ago. Haven't scoped the whole site yet, but it looks a damned sight more promising than well, everything else which I've seen on the subject of remedying social awkwardness. Take for example this brief excerpt from a posting titled "Social Skills And Self-Help Advice That Hasn't Worked For Me":

Being a good listener and being interested in other people

A piece of conversational advice I've heard countless times is that one way to do well in talking to people is to be interested in others, be a good listener, and let them do most of the talking. The idea is that other people will appreciate someone who is interested in them more than someone who tries to be interesting themselves. It's right out of How to Win Friends & Influence People. I have to question this supposed timeless wisdom.

I think my main concern with it comes from an exchange I've seen several times on message boards. Someone will post saying they're shy and often struggle to make conversation with people. Several people will respond with, "Just be interested in people and be a good listener. Get them talking." I always get the sense that this answer is more a reflexive, default response than anything. Then the original poster will say something like, "Really? So to be good at talking to people you just have to listen to them?". I always get the sense they're thrilled to have learned a possible conversational cheat code. They don't have to talk at all! They just have to listen, occasionally ask a follow up question and they're off the hook. They get to seem like a great, likable conversationalist without having to do anything! Oh, if only it was that easy. ...

I'll let you be the final judge of how good this web site is. Meanwhile, all I can say is, hallelujah! Someone's finally gotten real about shyness and what to do about it, and he's offering it for free, no less. Take that, R**s J******s!

 

[Dr. Bill Kobb]

Well, the other option is for shy people to force themselves into awkwardly public situations, which is doubly disastrous to us. Our Kryptonite, if needs be known...

But yeah, most advice is not unlike excuses, we all got alittle...

 

[idiot756]

Interesting...You know, I have a simple solution that I do to get over my shyness (which was actually encouraged by adults when I was very young - they thought it was cute and such). I get into this uh...happy, "I don't care" state of mind, and it seems to work for me. You know what I mean? Be yourself and be proud of who you are, and if other people don't like it, tough cookies. Of course, it also helps if you've ever fallen in love with someone. Then you're not shy around anybody else, because they're the only one who matters.

 

[Journia]

Interesting...You know, I have a simple solution that I do to get over my shyness (which was actually encouraged by adults when I was very young - they thought it was cute and such). I get into this uh...happy, "I don't care" state of mind, and it seems to work for me. You know what I mean? Be yourself and be proud of who you are, and if other people don't like it, tough cookies. Of course, it also helps if you've ever fallen in love with someone. Then you're not shy around anybody else, because they're the only one who matters.

That always works. I use it all the time!

 

[melanie2]

Even at my rather advanced age, i'm shy at first when meeting someone new..like when meeting someone for the first time at a tickle session..sighs..:blush

 

[leenotler]

Thank you so much. This is very timely for me. I will definitely check out that website.

I am the poster child of shyness. It often takes effort to even post here. Even creating an avatar seems too embarrassing. Dating is still almost impossible, and I'm getting pretty old. I accepted my fate for so very long.

I bought several self-help books recently on social anxiety, but have not read them yet, reluctant to face the process I expect them to recommend. My doctor suggested certain drugs to reduce social anxiety, but I dislike drugs. Hypnotherapy was of limited help and I think I now know why.

Fortunately, I also bought a book called "Introvert Power" and have started reading it. It was a revelation. I am beginning to realize the terms "introvert", "shy" and "social anxiety" are not equivalent. I don't have to change who I am (an introvert) to effect other changes in my life. According to the book, American culture rewards the extrovert and often treats introversion as a disease. Introverts were thought to be a minority, as was evidenced by early testing results. However, more recent Myers Briggs test results reveal introverts are 57% of the US. This might be the most important book I will ever read.

So, it's OK not to love huge parties that run all night long? It's OK to often enjoy solitude? It's OK to have conversations about ideas with a small number of people, instead of surface banter with a large number of people? YES! There are advantages to introversion? I might not be a freak? YES! I am so loving this book so far.

(I'm not a freak? Well, there is that freakish tickle fetish thing, but that's kind of fun and usually unobtrusive. Anyway, freak and unique rhyme for a reason, I hope.)

Now, all I have to do is stop pressing the Preview Post button for yet another hour and press the Submit Reply button....
Lee

 

[Dr. Bill Kobb]

Thank you so much. This is very timely for me. I will definitely check out that website.

I am the poster child of shyness. It often takes effort to even post here. Even creating an avatar seems too embarrassing. Dating is still almost impossible, and I'm getting pretty old. I accepted my fate for so very long.

I bought several self-help books recently on social anxiety, but have not read them yet, reluctant to face the process I expect them to recommend. My doctor suggested certain drugs to reduce social anxiety, but I dislike drugs. Hypnotherapy was of limited help and I think I now know why.

Fortunately, I also bought a book called "Introvert Power" and have started reading it. It was a revelation. I am beginning to realize the terms "introvert", "shy" and "social anxiety" are not equivalent. I don't have to change who I am (an introvert) to effect other changes in my life. According to the book, American culture rewards the extrovert and often treats introversion as a disease. Introverts were thought to be a minority, as was evidenced by early testing results. However, more recent Myers Briggs test results reveal introverts are 57% of the US. This might be the most important book I will ever read.

So, it's OK not to love huge parties that run all night long? It's OK to often enjoy solitude? It's OK to have conversations about ideas with a small number of people, instead of surface banter with a large number of people? YES! There are advantages to introversion? I might not be a freak? YES! I am so loving this book so far.

(I'm not a freak? Well, there is that freakish tickle fetish thing, but that's kind of fun and usually unobtrusive. Anyway, freak and unique rhyme for a reason, I hope.)

Now, all I have to do is stop pressing the Preview Post button for yet another hour and press the Submit Reply button....
Lee

Freak! Hee! Sorry, I couldn't resist. :biggrinjester:
Seriously though, that sounds like a book I might need to borrow from you sometime, leenotler. Another book that touches on some important themes of individual sovereignty and such is Harry Brown's How I Found Freedom in an Unfree World. Some may remember him as the Libertarian candidate who ran back in the Clinton/Bush years. In this book, he takes Libertarian ideals and places them outside of the political arena and into a much more personal level. I cannot recommend it enough.

 

[leenotler]

Freak! Hee! Sorry, I couldn't resist. :biggrinjester:
Seriously though, that sounds like a book I might need to borrow from you sometime, leenotler. Another book that touches on some important themes of individual sovereignty and such is Harry Brown's How I Found Freedom in an Unfree World. Some may remember him as the Libertarian candidate who ran back in the Clinton/Bush years. In this book, he takes Libertarian ideals and places them outside of the political arena and into a much more personal level. I cannot recommend it enough.

I KNEW IT!
Thanks for that welcome levity after my somewhat lengthy self-absorbed tirade. I was not aware of Harry Brown or his book. I must investigate. I wonder if it is like Anthem by Ayn Rand, her most concise description of individualism, and my favorite.

Thanks,
Lee

 

[Timewarp]

Yeah I love being an ISTP myself. Though being able to interact with people is much nicer too. The hard part of trying to engage with most people is just trying to find common ground.

 

[MistressValerie1]

Freak! Hee! Sorry, I couldn't resist. :biggrinjester:
Seriously though, that sounds like a book I might need to borrow from you sometime, leenotler. Another book that touches on some important themes of individual sovereignty and such is Harry Brown's How I Found Freedom in an Unfree World. Some may remember him as the Libertarian candidate who ran back in the Clinton/Bush years. In this book, he takes Libertarian ideals and places them outside of the political arena and into a much more personal level. I cannot recommend it enough.

I supported him in both of his presidential runs. His website was the first political blog I had ever visited: http://www.harrybrowne.org/

 

[idiot756]

I'm sorry about bumping this back up, but I just wanted to add something.

Patience is the most important thing to overcoming shyness. It is physically impossible to go from being choked up to being the life of the party overnight.

In fact, if you try too hard, you risk thinking too much, which is never a good thing. Just relax and don't think about it.

 

[kopfhorer1]

I'm sorry about bumping this back up, but I just wanted to add something.

Patience is the most important thing to overcoming shyness. It is physically impossible to go from being choked up to being the life of the party overnight.

In fact, if you try too hard, you risk thinking too much, which is never a good thing. Just relax and don't think about it.

I do see your point about patience. Take it easy, but take it! Pushing yourself hard and then beating yourself up when you don't hit the mark is counterproductive. OTOH, when you've missed out on so much for so long, you can be forgiven for thinking that you want it all, not now but yesterday!

As for relaxing, it's tough when your brain is racing at 50 miles a second. Sometimes all one can do is bail out!

And yes, we smart, sensitive shybies do tend to think too much!

 

[sabaki]

+2 leenotler, on two of his points:

The best thing that happened for me was to stop seeing shyness as a personality flaw and start seeing it as a personality trait or a stylistic choice. (Not to undermine my point, but the second best thing was alprazolam).

And, I agree with him that reading Ayn Rand is empowering. It tends to make me kind of an asshole for two whole weeks afterwards, but I do feel like I could run a transcontinental railroad or have hot interloper quarrysex. It's like a short mania.

There isn't such a thing as "thinking too much." There are such things as thrashing, pointless fretting, thought loops and anxiety attacks. Try to avoid those. But turn off your brain and you make yourself ugly.

 

[leenotler]

I'm glad the thread got bumped. idiot756 and kopfhorer's points on patience are well taken. Realistic expectations are important. OTOH, "Take it easy, but take it." to me means while patience is good, you have to push yourself a little or nothing gets done. For me, patience can easily become procrastination.

I will add that, in limited ways, reading online forums are socially instructive. I see interactions and their effects. I see people make friends and deal with conflict. It's at least analogous to real life. I used to be afraid to post in a thread that already had a lot of posts. It felt like entering a room full of people who I didn't know.

amniac's right about Ayn Rand's work, it's an enjoyable, arrogant rush.

The http://www.succeedsocially.com/ site kopfhorer mentioned has many useful insights, but I have been too patient with myself to finish it yet.

Lee

 

[kopfhorer1]

...
And, I agree with him that reading Ayn Rand is empowering. It tends to make me kind of an asshole for two whole weeks afterwards, but I do feel like I could run a transcontinental railroad or have hot interloper quarrysex. It's like a short mania.

Interloper quarrysex? Sounds fascinating! (Let's see, where did I put that VHS movie of The Fountainhead?)

Seriously, I once read a book of short stories by Ms. Rand, and though I was (and am) no Glenn Beck sympathizer by any means, some of what she said did resonate with me.

There isn't such a thing as "thinking too much." There are such things as thrashing, pointless fretting, thought loops and anxiety attacks. Try to avoid those. But turn off your brain and you make yourself ugly.

Well-put. Thank you for clarifying that point and making that distinction.

Leenotler - Good luck on your journey, whatever speed you travel at.