TICKLELOVERS
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Erased story
Last edited:
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Beginning of the Rise
- Thread starter TICKLELOVERS
- Start date
TICKLELOVERS
TMF Expert
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Sorry about format
TICKLELOVERS
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so..... does anyone think a multiverse/cross over series would be good?
Love,
Heather and Anna
Love,
Heather and Anna
Last edited:
Sablesword
TMF Master
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OK, here's my comments: + and -
+ You did format this well enough so that it isn't one big tarball of a vaguely story-like lump.
- I think I mentioned before that I don't much care for F/f, but that's just a personal thing. I also find "tickled until the victim pisses herself" to be icky - again a personal thing.
+ There is an interesting conflict & story here. The characters have motives for what they're doing.
- A lot of the writing is really clunky. It thuds and squeals, with the words and phrases banging and grinding against each other like the parts of a misdesigned machine.
+ There are some vivid images in the writing. E.g. "Then an arch attack burst her resistance and the urine flowed like wine." Even though "arch attack" is a bit clumsy, and even though the image is one I find icky, it is still a vivid image. I'm tempted to say: "You should use that power for Good, rather than for Evil."
- The repeated "HAHAHAHAHA"s are a big part of the clunkiness. It's as if the authors are thinking "we can't write *well* so we'll turn up the volumn, instead." Problem is, that makes the badness of the writing more obvious, not less. The bit where the size is turned up on the "HAHAHA"s just magnifies the flaws in this even more.
o If you're going to quote laughter - and I'm not saying you shouldn't; it's a valid technique - then please be more descriptive in showing how the victim laughs, rather making all laughter into a stylized "HAHAHAHA!" Also, shift the volumn settings down a notch or two, so that ALL CAPS represents MAXIMUM volumn, rather than medium loud. That way, you don't have to resort to the stupid size-boost trick.
o I wish I had good advice on how to make writing less clunky, rather than just being able to point out "this is clunky!" Reading good (professional) writers and seeing how they do it helps me, but it doesn't help everyone. Various "how to write" websites and books help a lot of people, but don't help me very much, so I can't recommend any particular book or website.
Finally, after having trashed your writing, I'm going to ask you for a favor 😱 I'd like you to read & comment on my story "Triple Tickle" It's the closest thing to an F/f story that I'm ever likely to write, and I had you two (Heather & Anna) in the back of my mind when I wrote it.
+ You did format this well enough so that it isn't one big tarball of a vaguely story-like lump.
- I think I mentioned before that I don't much care for F/f, but that's just a personal thing. I also find "tickled until the victim pisses herself" to be icky - again a personal thing.
+ There is an interesting conflict & story here. The characters have motives for what they're doing.
- A lot of the writing is really clunky. It thuds and squeals, with the words and phrases banging and grinding against each other like the parts of a misdesigned machine.
+ There are some vivid images in the writing. E.g. "Then an arch attack burst her resistance and the urine flowed like wine." Even though "arch attack" is a bit clumsy, and even though the image is one I find icky, it is still a vivid image. I'm tempted to say: "You should use that power for Good, rather than for Evil."
- The repeated "HAHAHAHAHA"s are a big part of the clunkiness. It's as if the authors are thinking "we can't write *well* so we'll turn up the volumn, instead." Problem is, that makes the badness of the writing more obvious, not less. The bit where the size is turned up on the "HAHAHA"s just magnifies the flaws in this even more.
o If you're going to quote laughter - and I'm not saying you shouldn't; it's a valid technique - then please be more descriptive in showing how the victim laughs, rather making all laughter into a stylized "HAHAHAHA!" Also, shift the volumn settings down a notch or two, so that ALL CAPS represents MAXIMUM volumn, rather than medium loud. That way, you don't have to resort to the stupid size-boost trick.
o I wish I had good advice on how to make writing less clunky, rather than just being able to point out "this is clunky!" Reading good (professional) writers and seeing how they do it helps me, but it doesn't help everyone. Various "how to write" websites and books help a lot of people, but don't help me very much, so I can't recommend any particular book or website.
Finally, after having trashed your writing, I'm going to ask you for a favor 😱 I'd like you to read & comment on my story "Triple Tickle" It's the closest thing to an F/f story that I'm ever likely to write, and I had you two (Heather & Anna) in the back of my mind when I wrote it.
TICKLELOVERS
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Thank you for the constrcutive critism, sablesword. We will endeavour to take it on board.... but we have always only written f/f
Love,
Heather and Anna
Love,
Heather and Anna
Sablesword
TMF Master
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You're welcome. And as for that f/f thing... as I noted it is a personal preference, and our personal preferences on this point just don't overlap at all. 🙁
