From a funny website.
I posted this bit a long time ago in response to m'dear Red's anti-American ranting of the week. He loved it. I found the second part tonight and thought I'd tag it on. Following the anti-Brit rant, is another bit the same guy wrote. It's all in good fun.
I love my Brits! Saying that....read on. 😉
Joby
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Hey Britain. Don't you think it's about time you pasty-faced, pansy-assed, Cro-Magnon toothed, limey losers grow up and stop whining about the "war for American independence" and films that portray your humiliating defeat to a bunch of farmers? Why don't you people go back to doing what you do best, spending your energies discussing whether Charles or Wills should be the next Queen of England?
Anyone who's read a paper in the last two weeks knows the latest target of the offended British non-sensibilities is the movie The Patriot. One British tabloid -- all newspapers in England are tabloids -- complained that the movie's "baddies are, as usual, the treacherous, cowardly, evil, sadistic Brits." Duh. Seems accurate enough to me, but the city of Liverpool is demanding an apology for the films portrayal of their local hero, Banastre Tarleton, who shall forever be known in my house as the Butcher of Liverpool.
What really hacks me off about your outrage at Hollywood's treatment of slimey's is that as a Southern-American, me an my kind have been on the receiving end of Hollywood stereotypes since the day they started making them thar movin' pictures. Need an evil cop or state trooper in a movie? Give him a southern accent, even if the movie is set in Idaho. Need a tyrannical fundamentalist preacher to rail against the evils of footloose teen dancing? Just give him a southern accent, even if he hails from Utah.
Either we live in mansions and pine about tomorrow being another day, or we live in trailers and tell every Yankee we see 'you shore got a purty mouth'. There ain't no middle ground with Hollywood. But I'm not whining, I just accept it as part of what Hollywood is all about. It's not like we're the only group they stereotype, but the only people I hear complaining are you exceptionally thin-skinned Brits.
For all your pomp and circumstance, and all of the centuries you've been a nation, you British have accomplished very little. Oh sure, you wrote the Magna Carta, but it was Americans who created modern democracy. Other than colonial tyranny, buggery, rugby and soccer fan violence, and general cheesiness, at what have you Brits excelled? Certainly not dentistry. And anyone who's ever tried to start a British manufactured motorcar in the rain knows you can't build those very well. But in a country where the Teletubbies are considered the standard of excellence in children's broadcasting, I suppose that's not surprising.
A thousand years of history have yet to give you Brits the know-how to create a loo that works properly. And you would think that over that span of time you could have concocted something appetizing to eat. British food is an assortment of fried fish, liver, kidneys, and any other meat product that in America wouldn't make it off the slaughterhouse floor. Frankly, I suspect the Germans let you win the Battle of Britain because they were not at all interested in ruling a country stuck in the middle of the 15th century. You people live like savages.
British music has always sucked. British composers like Handel the immigrant, Elgar, Boy George, Phil Collins and Andrew Lloyd Weber have polluted the world with music that is so pretentious, ostentatious, and gay that it's almost French. Your government run health service is so backward one would think it was operated by the Italians. And your pastime of soccer, or football as you call it, is a game so boring I believe you must have stolen it from the Canadians.
Speaking of soccer, British sports suck and you British suck at them as well. There are stories of soccer being played in England as early as 217 AD, with the skull of one's enemy used as a ball. But by 1100 AD, the pastime had deteriorated into a violent mob sport without rules where any sort of behavior was condoned, much like the game of today. While the rules of the modern game of soccer were adopted in Britain in 1863, it didn't take long for the rest of the world to prove they were better at it than you Brits.
How deliciously ironic it is that around every 4th of July, one of Britain's grandest sport traditions, Wimbledon, is invaded by Americans who promptly plow their way to the title. Perhaps for this 4th of July, Pete Sampras, Andre Agassi, Venus or Serena Williams, or Lindsey Davenport will give America yet another title while the long, oh so long, British drought continues.
No wonder you poor Brits have such an inferiority complex. In many ways Britain has become nothing more than an American colony. British history of 20th century is merely a laundry list of the US bailing out your jolly ole bums in one way or another. We opened the century saving you from the Kaiser, and despite the constant interference of Field Marshall Montgomery, we spent the middle of the century saving you from the Nazi's. We spent the last half of the century protecting you from the Russians, and at the end of the century it took Ford to build a Jaguar with a working electrical system and an American rooster named Rocky to save the day in Chicken Run. I just hope that when we get our nuclear weapons defense shield in place we have the good sense to leave Britain unprotected, so that when the missiles come, you ninnies can finally be put out of your misery.
So before you get all emotional and superior whining about the good ole days of the American Revolution, remember this: You were ruled by a beastly and insane King who was so dumb he couldn't read until he was eleven. Many of your countrymen of the time were aware of this and opposed fighting the war, but being British they were cowards, and while picking on a bunch of poorly-armed farmers was such good sport, raising a finger to overthrow a tyrannical monarchy would have been oh so messy.
So Great Britain, on this 4th of July raise your mug high and drink a toast to the United States of America, because without us you wouldn't exist today. God bless America, and may God save you British queens.
---------------------
AND NOW PART TWO.....by the same author.
Two summers ago I penned The United Kingdom of Whingers, Wankers, Wusses, and Losers, a satisfying rant about British obsession with the film The Patriot and their whiney complaints that the movie's “baddies are, as usual, the treacherous, cowardly, evil, sadistic Brits.” Nothing I’ve written has solicited the overwhelming response of that piece. It is still circulating around the UK and not a week goes by that some poor Brit doesn’t stumble across it and fire off an angry email. The pleasant thing about that column is that it’s enabled me to establish cyber-friendships with many Brits who, like me, enjoy a little good-natured trash talking akin to a conversation between the average Manchester United and Newcastle United fan. It has also been helpful in bringing home the point that the views of most Brits are no more represented by the opinion pages of The Guardian than those of Americans are by The New York Times.
Brits who put their lives on the line every day because America was attacked. Let’s face it, as annoying as they can be, the Brits are family. So in an effort to bring the family closer together on this Independence Day, I offer my personal list of the best of all things British.
The Empire: It’s fashionable in some circles to bash empires and continually fret over the so-called American Empire, but I shudder to think what the world would be like if there had been no British Empire, if Australia and New Zealand had been colonized by China or Japan, if a British-less Hong Kong had never allowed capitalism to flourish in the Far East, or if North America had been colonized entirely by the French.
The Queen: There are only two reasons she makes this list. She ordered the playing of the Star Spangled Banner at Buckingham Palace after 9/11, which was an amazing thing. And her childlike amazement at the flyover during her Jubilee made her seem, well, almost human, and for a British Queen, that’s an accomplishment.
Benny Hill: Lewd, offensive, sexist…and damn funny. Benny Hill is a reminder of a harsher, less politically correct Britain that is sorely missed.
Monty Python: Irreverent, outlandish, savage, and significantly meaningless. Does anything in American comedy compare?
The Spitfire: Not that sorry excuse for a motorcar that some people rave about, but the fighter plane that saved western civilization from the Nazis. Lord knows the Brits have manufactured some useless crap (anyone who's ever tried to start a British manufactured motorcar in the rain knows they don't build those very well, but in a country that considers the Teletubbies the standard of excellence in children's broadcasting, I suppose that's not surprising), but the Spitfire makes up for most of it. Few aircraft in history can match the legend and beauty of the Spitfire.
The Rolls Royce Merlin Engine: Frederick Henry Royce established Rolls Royce’s reputation for engineering excellence when he approved development of the Merlin engine, which changed the course of World War II. This most famous—and awesome sounding—of all engines powered many WWII aircraft including the Spitfire, Hawker Hurricane, P-40, and P-51. It was the only non-American engine used in operational American aircraft during WWII. High praise indeed.
Fish and Chips: One would think that over a thousand years of history the Brits could’ve concocted something appetizing to eat other than fish and chips. British food is an assortment of liver, kidneys, and any other meat product that in America wouldn't make it off the slaughterhouse floor. But their fish and chips are the world’s best: described by the BBC as “a mere blob of protein in a mass of batter.” We Southerners fancy ourselves the kings of fried food, but nothing comes close to a grease-dripping plate of British fish and chips.
The Magna Carta: It was Americans who created modern democracy, but in 1215 (an astonishingly early date by Western Civ. standards) the Brits wrote the Magna Carta, which Winston Churchill described as a “law which is above the King and which even he must not break. This reaffirmation of a supreme law and its expression in a general charter is the great work of Magna Carta; and this alone justifies the respect in which men have held it.”
Relaxed Cannabis Laws: Britain is experimenting with something radical: allowing adults to smoke cannabis without the threat of immediate arrest. As a result, local police can now concentrate on Britain ’s high level of violent crime, which in some areas has seen a dramatic drop. Attention Bush Administration: money spent on drug warriors is money not spent on the war on terror.
Wimbledon : The reason I like Wimbledon isn't because the Americans have dominated it for decades. I like it because it never changes. Never.
Beer: Americans are only now becoming accustomed to having good beer available in all 50 states. In Britain it’s plentiful, tasty, strong, available for breakfast, and has been for centuries. What’s more, one doesn’t become a societal outcast by having a beer for breakfast.
Old Shit: Everywhere you turn in Britain you see something old. They respect their heritage while we Americans pave over ours. Benjamin Franklin said lost time is never found again, and I like to think he was talking about preserving our history. Buildings are history, and it’s time America stopped imploding hers. We could learn something from the Brits in this regard. Winston Churchill said, “We shape our buildings, and afterwards our buildings shape us.” Walk a mile in Britain and you’ll see history. Walk a mile in America and you’ll see three Outbacks, two Old Navy’s, and a couple of Lowe’s.
Winston Churchill: “We have sustained a total and unmitigated defeat, and France has suffered even more than we have.” - Speech made during debate on Munich Agreement in House of Commons, October 5, 1938 . Nancy Astor heckled him by calling out "Nonsense." How many of you have heard of Nancy Astor?
“This is a war of the unknown warriors; but let all strive without failing in faith or in duty, and the dark curse of Hitler will be lifted from our age.” Broadcast on the BBC, July 14, 1940 .
“We shall fight on the beaches. We shall fight on the landing grounds. We shall fight in the fields, and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills. We shall never surrender!” Speech about Dunkirk given in House of Commons June 4, 1940 .
In a perfect world America would be more like Britain and Britain would be more like America . Britain would have greater respect for an individual’s right to self-defense and self-determination, and America would have greater respect for history and an individual’s right to self-indulgence. But most importantly, America would have better beer and Britain would have better food.
I posted this bit a long time ago in response to m'dear Red's anti-American ranting of the week. He loved it. I found the second part tonight and thought I'd tag it on. Following the anti-Brit rant, is another bit the same guy wrote. It's all in good fun.
I love my Brits! Saying that....read on. 😉
Joby
----------
Hey Britain. Don't you think it's about time you pasty-faced, pansy-assed, Cro-Magnon toothed, limey losers grow up and stop whining about the "war for American independence" and films that portray your humiliating defeat to a bunch of farmers? Why don't you people go back to doing what you do best, spending your energies discussing whether Charles or Wills should be the next Queen of England?
Anyone who's read a paper in the last two weeks knows the latest target of the offended British non-sensibilities is the movie The Patriot. One British tabloid -- all newspapers in England are tabloids -- complained that the movie's "baddies are, as usual, the treacherous, cowardly, evil, sadistic Brits." Duh. Seems accurate enough to me, but the city of Liverpool is demanding an apology for the films portrayal of their local hero, Banastre Tarleton, who shall forever be known in my house as the Butcher of Liverpool.
What really hacks me off about your outrage at Hollywood's treatment of slimey's is that as a Southern-American, me an my kind have been on the receiving end of Hollywood stereotypes since the day they started making them thar movin' pictures. Need an evil cop or state trooper in a movie? Give him a southern accent, even if the movie is set in Idaho. Need a tyrannical fundamentalist preacher to rail against the evils of footloose teen dancing? Just give him a southern accent, even if he hails from Utah.
Either we live in mansions and pine about tomorrow being another day, or we live in trailers and tell every Yankee we see 'you shore got a purty mouth'. There ain't no middle ground with Hollywood. But I'm not whining, I just accept it as part of what Hollywood is all about. It's not like we're the only group they stereotype, but the only people I hear complaining are you exceptionally thin-skinned Brits.
For all your pomp and circumstance, and all of the centuries you've been a nation, you British have accomplished very little. Oh sure, you wrote the Magna Carta, but it was Americans who created modern democracy. Other than colonial tyranny, buggery, rugby and soccer fan violence, and general cheesiness, at what have you Brits excelled? Certainly not dentistry. And anyone who's ever tried to start a British manufactured motorcar in the rain knows you can't build those very well. But in a country where the Teletubbies are considered the standard of excellence in children's broadcasting, I suppose that's not surprising.
A thousand years of history have yet to give you Brits the know-how to create a loo that works properly. And you would think that over that span of time you could have concocted something appetizing to eat. British food is an assortment of fried fish, liver, kidneys, and any other meat product that in America wouldn't make it off the slaughterhouse floor. Frankly, I suspect the Germans let you win the Battle of Britain because they were not at all interested in ruling a country stuck in the middle of the 15th century. You people live like savages.
British music has always sucked. British composers like Handel the immigrant, Elgar, Boy George, Phil Collins and Andrew Lloyd Weber have polluted the world with music that is so pretentious, ostentatious, and gay that it's almost French. Your government run health service is so backward one would think it was operated by the Italians. And your pastime of soccer, or football as you call it, is a game so boring I believe you must have stolen it from the Canadians.
Speaking of soccer, British sports suck and you British suck at them as well. There are stories of soccer being played in England as early as 217 AD, with the skull of one's enemy used as a ball. But by 1100 AD, the pastime had deteriorated into a violent mob sport without rules where any sort of behavior was condoned, much like the game of today. While the rules of the modern game of soccer were adopted in Britain in 1863, it didn't take long for the rest of the world to prove they were better at it than you Brits.
How deliciously ironic it is that around every 4th of July, one of Britain's grandest sport traditions, Wimbledon, is invaded by Americans who promptly plow their way to the title. Perhaps for this 4th of July, Pete Sampras, Andre Agassi, Venus or Serena Williams, or Lindsey Davenport will give America yet another title while the long, oh so long, British drought continues.
No wonder you poor Brits have such an inferiority complex. In many ways Britain has become nothing more than an American colony. British history of 20th century is merely a laundry list of the US bailing out your jolly ole bums in one way or another. We opened the century saving you from the Kaiser, and despite the constant interference of Field Marshall Montgomery, we spent the middle of the century saving you from the Nazi's. We spent the last half of the century protecting you from the Russians, and at the end of the century it took Ford to build a Jaguar with a working electrical system and an American rooster named Rocky to save the day in Chicken Run. I just hope that when we get our nuclear weapons defense shield in place we have the good sense to leave Britain unprotected, so that when the missiles come, you ninnies can finally be put out of your misery.
So before you get all emotional and superior whining about the good ole days of the American Revolution, remember this: You were ruled by a beastly and insane King who was so dumb he couldn't read until he was eleven. Many of your countrymen of the time were aware of this and opposed fighting the war, but being British they were cowards, and while picking on a bunch of poorly-armed farmers was such good sport, raising a finger to overthrow a tyrannical monarchy would have been oh so messy.
So Great Britain, on this 4th of July raise your mug high and drink a toast to the United States of America, because without us you wouldn't exist today. God bless America, and may God save you British queens.
---------------------
AND NOW PART TWO.....by the same author.
Two summers ago I penned The United Kingdom of Whingers, Wankers, Wusses, and Losers, a satisfying rant about British obsession with the film The Patriot and their whiney complaints that the movie's “baddies are, as usual, the treacherous, cowardly, evil, sadistic Brits.” Nothing I’ve written has solicited the overwhelming response of that piece. It is still circulating around the UK and not a week goes by that some poor Brit doesn’t stumble across it and fire off an angry email. The pleasant thing about that column is that it’s enabled me to establish cyber-friendships with many Brits who, like me, enjoy a little good-natured trash talking akin to a conversation between the average Manchester United and Newcastle United fan. It has also been helpful in bringing home the point that the views of most Brits are no more represented by the opinion pages of The Guardian than those of Americans are by The New York Times.
Brits who put their lives on the line every day because America was attacked. Let’s face it, as annoying as they can be, the Brits are family. So in an effort to bring the family closer together on this Independence Day, I offer my personal list of the best of all things British.
The Empire: It’s fashionable in some circles to bash empires and continually fret over the so-called American Empire, but I shudder to think what the world would be like if there had been no British Empire, if Australia and New Zealand had been colonized by China or Japan, if a British-less Hong Kong had never allowed capitalism to flourish in the Far East, or if North America had been colonized entirely by the French.
The Queen: There are only two reasons she makes this list. She ordered the playing of the Star Spangled Banner at Buckingham Palace after 9/11, which was an amazing thing. And her childlike amazement at the flyover during her Jubilee made her seem, well, almost human, and for a British Queen, that’s an accomplishment.
Benny Hill: Lewd, offensive, sexist…and damn funny. Benny Hill is a reminder of a harsher, less politically correct Britain that is sorely missed.
Monty Python: Irreverent, outlandish, savage, and significantly meaningless. Does anything in American comedy compare?
The Spitfire: Not that sorry excuse for a motorcar that some people rave about, but the fighter plane that saved western civilization from the Nazis. Lord knows the Brits have manufactured some useless crap (anyone who's ever tried to start a British manufactured motorcar in the rain knows they don't build those very well, but in a country that considers the Teletubbies the standard of excellence in children's broadcasting, I suppose that's not surprising), but the Spitfire makes up for most of it. Few aircraft in history can match the legend and beauty of the Spitfire.
The Rolls Royce Merlin Engine: Frederick Henry Royce established Rolls Royce’s reputation for engineering excellence when he approved development of the Merlin engine, which changed the course of World War II. This most famous—and awesome sounding—of all engines powered many WWII aircraft including the Spitfire, Hawker Hurricane, P-40, and P-51. It was the only non-American engine used in operational American aircraft during WWII. High praise indeed.
Fish and Chips: One would think that over a thousand years of history the Brits could’ve concocted something appetizing to eat other than fish and chips. British food is an assortment of liver, kidneys, and any other meat product that in America wouldn't make it off the slaughterhouse floor. But their fish and chips are the world’s best: described by the BBC as “a mere blob of protein in a mass of batter.” We Southerners fancy ourselves the kings of fried food, but nothing comes close to a grease-dripping plate of British fish and chips.
The Magna Carta: It was Americans who created modern democracy, but in 1215 (an astonishingly early date by Western Civ. standards) the Brits wrote the Magna Carta, which Winston Churchill described as a “law which is above the King and which even he must not break. This reaffirmation of a supreme law and its expression in a general charter is the great work of Magna Carta; and this alone justifies the respect in which men have held it.”
Relaxed Cannabis Laws: Britain is experimenting with something radical: allowing adults to smoke cannabis without the threat of immediate arrest. As a result, local police can now concentrate on Britain ’s high level of violent crime, which in some areas has seen a dramatic drop. Attention Bush Administration: money spent on drug warriors is money not spent on the war on terror.
Wimbledon : The reason I like Wimbledon isn't because the Americans have dominated it for decades. I like it because it never changes. Never.
Beer: Americans are only now becoming accustomed to having good beer available in all 50 states. In Britain it’s plentiful, tasty, strong, available for breakfast, and has been for centuries. What’s more, one doesn’t become a societal outcast by having a beer for breakfast.
Old Shit: Everywhere you turn in Britain you see something old. They respect their heritage while we Americans pave over ours. Benjamin Franklin said lost time is never found again, and I like to think he was talking about preserving our history. Buildings are history, and it’s time America stopped imploding hers. We could learn something from the Brits in this regard. Winston Churchill said, “We shape our buildings, and afterwards our buildings shape us.” Walk a mile in Britain and you’ll see history. Walk a mile in America and you’ll see three Outbacks, two Old Navy’s, and a couple of Lowe’s.
Winston Churchill: “We have sustained a total and unmitigated defeat, and France has suffered even more than we have.” - Speech made during debate on Munich Agreement in House of Commons, October 5, 1938 . Nancy Astor heckled him by calling out "Nonsense." How many of you have heard of Nancy Astor?
“This is a war of the unknown warriors; but let all strive without failing in faith or in duty, and the dark curse of Hitler will be lifted from our age.” Broadcast on the BBC, July 14, 1940 .
“We shall fight on the beaches. We shall fight on the landing grounds. We shall fight in the fields, and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills. We shall never surrender!” Speech about Dunkirk given in House of Commons June 4, 1940 .
In a perfect world America would be more like Britain and Britain would be more like America . Britain would have greater respect for an individual’s right to self-defense and self-determination, and America would have greater respect for history and an individual’s right to self-indulgence. But most importantly, America would have better beer and Britain would have better food.
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