The Act of Insertion
If the man is ready (same vice-versa) 1/4 calories
If the woman is not (same vice-versa) 274 calories
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Satisfying Partner (organ size)
Most experts agree that size means nothing. Shape is what counts, and
the man with a shaped organ can write his own ticket. In those rare
instances where a man has a genuinely small member, he may have to
compensate by working slightly harder, but this is good for weight
loss. A man with a really large organ, while he might not have to
work as hard once inside, may exhaust himself just trying to convince
his partner to let him put it inside.
Normal size 22 calories
Oversize 15 calories
Tremendous 8 calories
Teensy-weensy 163 calories
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Positions
Man on top, woman on bottom (facing each other) 20 calories
Woman on top, man on bottom
(Many women find that in addition to its inherent sexual
possibilities, this position affords a better view of the clock.) 25
calories
From the rear (Mysterious variation) 40 1/2 calories
Standing: Both partners of equal height 18 calories
Standing: Woman 1 foot taller than a man 90 calories
While in traction
(very useful during ski season) 124 calories
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Locations
On a bar stool 20 calories
Rear of a Honda Civic 38 calories
In a phone booth, standing 14 calories
In a phone booth, lying down 274 calories
On an airliner, aisle seat 24 calories
On an airliner, middle seat 42 calories
On an airliner, window seat 30 calories
On an airliner, in the lavatory 100 calories
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Possible Side Effects of Intercourse
Bouncing 7 calories
Sliding around 9 calories
Serious Skidding 12 calories
Full cartwheel 20 calories
Whiplash 27 calories
Knee burn 6 calories
Chafed elbows 5 calories
Chafed nose 11 calories
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Sex Related Noises
Short gasps (per gasp) 3 calories
Wheezing 5 calories
Squeals 4 calories
Ecstatic moaning 11 calories
Low growling 8 calories
Squishing 10 calories
Shouting 16 calories
Screaming 18 calories
Urgent begging 22 calories
Any short speech giving partner directions
("Please don't stop," "Faster," "Just a little more" are common
examples.) 25 calories
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Approaching Orgasm
Letting go 5.5 calories
Controlling yourself 79 calories
Digging nails into your partner's back 11 calories
Trembling 15 calories
Shaking 20 calories
Shuddering 25 calories
Trying to keep eyes open 33 calories
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Orgasm
Real 27 calories
Faked 160 calories
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Orgasmic Intensity Scale
Expression didn't change 1/2 calorie
Face turned purple 15 calories
Orchestra swelled 6 calories
Magical explosions 10 calories
Blazing Sheets 25 calories
Earth moved 30 calories
Vesuvius erupted 47 calories
You began moaning in Latin 60 calories
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Pulling Out
After orgasm 1/4 calorie
A few moments before orgasm 500 calories
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Multiple Orgasms
For women:
2 14 calories
5 30 calories
8 47 calories
(Depending on greed her rate of recovery a woman can enjoy around 8
orgasms within an hour period without losing consciousness or
disarranging her hair. As the number increases, however, she may
begin to experience a form of "reduced sanity" that will temporarily
interfere with her ability to cook, worship ,and ride a Moped.)
For Men:
2 21 calories
3 39 calories
4 57 calories
(For a man, its a different situation, perhaps due to physiological
and biological reasons. Many men can enjoy up to 4 orgasms in an hour
with little discomfort except for the slight ringing in the ears.
With few exceptions, however, a man who tries to achieve more than 10
orgasms within that same period is flirting with irreversible brain
damage.)
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Special Orgasms
Clitoral. 15 calories
Vaginal 21 calories
Penile 21 calories
Scrotile 15 calories
Rectal 25 calories
Oral
(can also occur during an especially good meal) 30 calories
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Premature Ejaculation*
During insertion 2 calories
During intercourse
(Approximately. 2 sec's or 3 thrusts after insertion, whichever comes
first.) 5 calories
During foreplay 3 calories
Immature ejaculation
(Similar to premature ejaculation except male acts childish and
throws a tantrum.) 4 calories
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Consequences of Premature Ejaculation
Even if you have a good heart, it takes much understanding not to
feel like a victim when your partner climaxes after 3 sec's of
intensive sex, especially if he immediately sits up to watch the
football on tv.
For Women
Frustration 8 calories
Anger 15 calories
Violent mood swing 20 calories
Surpressing rage 25 calories
Not surpressing anger
(In extreme cases, this can include cursing, nose tweaks, and gently
massaging partner's head with a tire iron.) 65 calories
For Men:
Cursing 10 calories
Apologising 3 calories
Snivelling 5 calories
Pleading for mercy 8 calories
Begging for another chance
(Note how unfair: Men never seem to mind if a woman has an orgasm
after 3 seconds of sex.) 15 calories
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Possible Side Effects of Good Sex
The first indication that sex was a positive experience will be a
buzzing in the pelvic area and a clear complexion. You might also
feel pleasantly light, as though you were dozing in a vat of cream
cheese. If sex was really terrific, you feel dangerously drained, as
though your body had been connected to a large milking machine for
several days. Additional reactions include:
Swooning 6 calories
Palpitations 10 calories
Shortness of breath 5 calories
Perspiring 8 calories
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Possible Side Effects of Bad Sex
A less-than-sunny desposition 1 calorie
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Recovering
Un-entwining 3 calories
Regaining motor control of pevis
(After especially tiring sex, you may feel numb from below the waist
to the opposite wall. The result will be an inability to walk [put
one foot in front of the other], which will seriously impair your
chances of going to the bathroom or getting some juice.) 7 calories
Standing up 9 calories
Getting some juice 11 calories
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Rolling Over and Going to Sleep
After intercourse
(Classic behavior for shiftiness men who believe they've done their
job and are now entilted to a rest. This "rest" may include
snoring.) 18 calories
During intercourse
(Women find this to be a subtle, yet direct way of suggesting
dissatisfaction.) 32 calories
During foreplay
(Indicates either an advance case of fatigue or a serious lack of
interest.) 12 calories
Avoiding the wet spot 80 calories
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Trying Again
If the woman is ready 5 calories
If the man is not 156 calories
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Dreaming
Regular dream 2 calories
Wet Dream
Add 5 calories if it occurs while in bed with your partner;
Add 20 calories if your partner notices 16 calories
Wet Trance
(Usually occurs in the presence of a sensual hypnotist.) 20 calories
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Group Sex
Introducing yourself 3 calories
Overcoming shyness 8 calories
Swapping partners, willingly 4 calories
Swapping partners, unwillingly 62 calories
Jealousy
(Partner having more fun than you are) 16 calories
Mixed doubles 26 calories
Being nice to everyone 100 calories
Anger
(You suddenly realize that you're wanted for you body and not your
mind. Difficult to cope with, especially if you have a Ph.D.) 10
calories
Finding your clothes 5 calories
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Masturbation
For pleasure only 6 calories
For exercise, too 10 calories
For relief from tension 12 calories
To pass the time 7 calories
To avoid overeating 16 calories
To get in touch with inner self 10 calories
To get in touch with outter self 10.5 calories
To avoid insanity 24 calories
To avoid spending money on a date
(In addition to being a viable alternative to television, shopping,
and binges, masturbation is a quick and inexpensive way to get
warm.) 9 calories
Using your hand(s) 11 calories
Using your finger(s) 9 calories
Using tweezers 2 calories
Using an inflatable doll 24 calories
Using Any fruit or vegetable
(Except watermelon or a sprig of parsley) 19 calories
Using a vibrator, hand-operated 12 calories
Using a vibrator, windup 9 calories
Using a vibrator, electric 5 calories
Using anything not mentioned here 50 calories
In a pornographic movie theater - purchasing the ticket 2.5 calories
In a pornographic movie theater - finding isolated seat 78 calories
In a pornographic movie theater - adjusting raincoat 3 calories
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Typical Sex-Related Fears
Partner hates me for what I did 4 calories
Partner hates me for what I didn't do 8 calories
Forgetting the instructions in the sex manual 10 calories
Climaxing too soon 5 calories
Climaxing too late 6 calories
Not climaxing 20 calories
Partner thinks of me as a sex object 9 calories
Partner doesn't think of me as a sex object 47 calories
Partner will neglect to adminster last rites should I not recover
from orgasm 88 calories
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Personal Fears
Gigantic cellulite that shake and ripple during orgasm 6 calories
Stretch marks that look like a plowed field 8 calories
Penis envy 72 calories
Body odor of a disgruntled yak 25 calories
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Getting Caught
By partner's spouse 60 calories
By your spouse 60.5 calories
Trying to explain 165 calories
Stuttering 28 calories
Throwing up
(Calorie counts here are flexible, depending on type of spouse-
whether understanding and open-minded, or narrow-minded and armed)
40 calories
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Almost Getting Caught
Trying to remain calm 100 calories
Fright (includes trembling) 66 calories
Leaping out of bed 25 calories
Getting dressed in one large motion 300 calories
Thanking partner quickly 2 calories
Jumping out of window
add 5 calories if window wasn't open 15 calories
Landing 1 calorie
Running very fast 50 calories
