Long, but worth it.
One of the things I was told when I started working at Montgomery House was to be compassionate to a group of people, but not to any one in particular. For many years I did just that. I’m a pretty level person, I think. I’d seen many people come and go that would make any normal person’s heart ache. I, on the other hand, had grown rather desensitized. Or so I thought.
The cruelest thing the good Lord ever did was give Maria Cruz life. I never hated her. Good heavens, no, I loved that girl with everything I had. Maybe in the end I was the only one who really did. But in the back of my mind I knew I shouldn’t have and before I knew it, I was sucked into the hurricane that is Maria. All storms pass after a while, leaving behind nothing of themselves save a bit of rain and destruction. Hurricanes don’t ask to be created, neither did Maria.
Maria came to the house dirty and bone thin. I felt the slightest twinge in my heart as I watched her being led from the front door to intake, staggering slightly. Her legs were so thin that her knees looked enormous and her hair was tied in a muddy knot atop her head. As they waited for the glass doors to be buzzed open I watched her shiver and look around startled. I knew what was going to happen next and I readied my hand on my phone. This girl was going to bolt.
She looked around and suddenly turned directly toward me and that little twinge I felt in my heart exploded into all out ache. Wide azure eyes, barely kept at bay through bruised lids, locked onto mine and at that moment I was sure she could see right into me. A part of me wanted her to. She averted her eyes, suddenly, and defied my expectations yet again. Instead of wailing and trying to run she simply tightened her arms about herself, holding a ragged plush rabbit to her chest and gave a stuttering sigh.
“Give the poor girl a blanket when you get in there, Charlie.” I said as they came in.
“Will do, boss”
They walked past me, the girl’s eyes never leaving her feet. I had to wonder what her story was. She appeared starved and abused, dirty and disheveled. Something had happened to her, that was for sure.
As the day wore on, my thoughts kept coming back to the woman. A strange part of me wanted to find her, at least find out who she was. I just plain couldn’t let it go. I found myself strangely impatient as I listened to Big Joey stutter his way through the storyline of “The Dark Crystal”. Then again, I had to be thankful that he was easy to please. As long as I nodded and smiled, Joey would keep prattling on. Not to mention, as long as he was talking he wouldn’t be interested in play wrestling. Joey was a big boy, outweighing me by a good 150 lbs.
“Th-There’s a n-n-n-new g-girl in my-my hall.” Joey bobbled up and down. “She’s p-pretty!” Suddenly Joey blushed and turned toward the wall, groaning.
“What’s up, Joey?” I asked, but I already knew. He had the mind of a small child, but he still had the body of a 16 boy, a body that he still had a hard time understanding. It didn’t help matters much that he was outgrowing his favorite pair of sweatpants.
“It’s okay, remember what we talked about?” Joey nodded and slowly turned, a blush coloring his perpetually pallid cheeks. He wrung his hands in his lap as he looked up at me apologetically.
“I r-remember. I th-think I’m d-d-done talking n-now.”
“Coming back tomorrow?” I asked as Joey stood to leave. He nodded slowly and walked out, not before nearly throwing himself to the other side of the hallway just as he cleared the door. Before I could wonder what spooked him I saw a flash of dark hair. It was like watching a ghost at first. She glided across the floor with catlike grace, her once muddy hair now fresh washed hanging loose nearly to the backs of her knees. She still wore the oversized T-shirt from that morning and she still kept her eyes to the floor. I wanted to shelter her from the hurt of the world at that moment. That was the moment I realized how much trouble I was really in for. She stood in the doorway of my office and I felt tears welling up in my eyes.
Led by one of the older nurses, the girl took a seat in the corner, searching around for a moment before setting her plush rabbit in the chair next to her, as if the rabbit too would be talking. I hadn’t received any paperwork on her yet so I had to start with the obvious. I took in a deep breath, afraid to speak.
“Hi, I’m Mr. Thorpe; you can just call me Dan. Is that alright?” I held my hand out over the desk but she didn’t move from where she was seated.
“Maria…” came a faint whisper.
“Is that your name?”
She didn’t say a word.
“And who is this friendly looking creature?” I asked pointing to her rabbit.
“Snuffles.” She whispered again.
She turned up her face and looked into my eyes just as she had done that morning. Being this close to her gave me a moment to look at her better. From here I could see everything from the soft pale skin, the way the faintest spots of pink coalesced with the light spattering of freckles that spanned the bridge of her nose. Even though her eyes were swollen, she was perhaps the most beautiful creature to have ever graced this earth. And those eyes! Her lips parted slowly and she spoke again, this time with a bit more vigor.
“My name is Maria and I’m this many years old.” She held up two bony hands and flashed them three times. I was staggered, was this beautiful creature trying to be amusing? While she spoke with the voice that could give the dead wood, her words were that of a small child.
“You’re 30 years old?” I asked slowly. Her eyes grew wide as she looked at her hands for a moment.
“No!” she smiled widely, showing a perfect set of white teeth. “I’m not 30 yet.” She counted her fingers for nearly 3 minutes, finally giving up after losing count past the first ten so many times. “My new mama says that it’s a sin to tell people how old I am. You won’t tell her will you?” Her expression turned down a bit and all I could do was shake my head in awe. She took this as agreement that I would keep her secret and began smiling again.
I really had to wonder about myself that morning. I’ll be honest when I tell you at least more than once before this meeting I entertained certain… thoughts starring myself and this girl. Suddenly, strangely, I felt like a pedophile. I didn’t like that feeling and what I didn’t like even more than that was even after hearing her speak, I couldn’t shake the sexual attraction I felt towards her. Then again, what was I expecting? This was a home for the mentally disabled. Maybe a schizo? I know more than once I was sure she was an overflow from the women’s shelter down the street.
“Dan?” she asked gently, breaking me from my line of thought. “I’m scared here, and my new Mama isn’t here. Will you be my friend?” Those brilliant azure eyes pleading with me forced me to break the first cardinal rule of the house. There was no turning back now.
“I will be your friend.” As I heard myself say these words I wanted to take them back. Trouble.
My job here was to counsel. I was a good counselor, I thought. There really wasn’t a whole lot that had to be done with the residents that lived there aside from listen and encourage. They were all just like Big Joey, easy to please and even easier to understand. A part of me discovered just how grateful I was to be surrounded by such inherently good, honest people. Inside here at least, I knew what to expect. Maybe a part of me was even a little jealous of how simply they could live and be happy.
That first talk with Maria was short in some ways and excruciatingly long in others. She spent most of her time talking about the two cats that came to the window of her room at night to eat the awful food her “new mama” always made for her. All the while her spicy scent carried through the air, teasing me with afterthoughts of sandalwood and lilacs. I wanted to ask her a thousand questions “Who hurt you?” “Where have you been in your life?” most importantly “how?”. But I didn’t ask them; I let them wait for another day. Shortly after she left I spent the better part of 10 minutes in the restroom shamefully ridding myself of accumulated frustration.
Was I so shallow that I couldn’t see past the exterior? Developmentally disabled people have certain key facial features, ways of walking and talking that made it almost immediately recognizable. Perhaps it was an intelligent design on God’s part, in a way. Like a way of saying “these people are forever children, let’s preserve their innocence.” But Maria had none of them. In fact, I was ready to bet that she was perhaps the most beautiful woman I’d ever set eyes on. Her voice, her face, the way she walked was that of someone her age yet the things she said were that of maybe a 5 year old.
I was well into my lunchbreak when I decided that the best thing for me to do was to quit my job and look for work elsewhere. I couldn’t face those brilliant blue eyes again while knowing how I lusted for her too. I hated myself right then. I hated myself right up to my supervisor’s door, waiting for her exasperated sigh as I seated myself heavily in the chair in front of her desk. No sigh came.
“let me guess, you want to quit too, huh?” She didn’t even look up from the paperwork she was reading. I chuckled nervously but she spoke again before I had a chance to reply.
“I know it’s about Maria. Do you think you’re the first one to come in today and quit because of her? It’s almost as if all my male employees are being strategically herded out of here.”
“All of us?” Had she really created such a stir amongst the men here?
“Even some of the patients are having a hard time handling it. It’s such a shame, she’s such a sweet girl, too. I understand what you’re thinking right now, believe me I’ve heard the same speech about shame and perverse fear at least 6 times already. I admit, I’m surprised you were hit with it too. You were always the one that could take the most.” The old woman moved a stray hair from her forehead as she looked at me with grave seriousness. “I’m going to ask that if you insist on leaving, come back to us after she’s placed in Harmony Springs. It should only be a few weeks, we’re better equipped to handle her injuries and malnutrition.”
That seemed reasonable, pretty damn great in all truth. I’d been wanting a vacation anyway.
“Why the women’s shelter? Clearly she’s MR, that’s what we do.”
“What’s missing from a women’s shelter Dan?” At that moment I understood. She was going to be placed in an environment that would keep her safe from men’s attentions.
“Good thinking.. yeah, that girl is a real doozy for sure.” I wanted to laugh off the guilt I’d been lugging around that day.
“In the 33 years I’ve been in this field, I’ve never seen someone like her. I –“ She was cut off suddenly by a loud crash in the distance. She and I both dashed from our seats and down the hall, skidding to a stop just in time to see Big Joey on the floor of his room, hunched over making a guttural groaning noise. I nearly missed the tops of a pair of pale knees buried into the enormous girth of the man. It still took me a full 30 seconds to register what was going on and yet another 30 to get Big Joey’s attention so I could pull him from the floor. Joey came up, his face red and frozen in terror as he looked down at himself. The front of his sweatpants were bulging and soaked down to the knees and in an instant the giant man began to wail.
“I didn’t mean to, Mr. Dan. I didn’t mean to.” He pleaded as he buried his face in my shoulder.
I didn’t have look over to see who’s knees I’d seen. I already knew but perversion made me look anyway. There was Maria, still lying on her back on the floor nude save a pair of minimal black lace panties. Her mouth was a perfect “o” of shock, hands clenched at her sides still as if she was too afraid to even move. Her eyes locked onto mine and for a long moment I could hear nothing of the room around me except the beating of my heart. Suddenly she began to cry; giant tears welling in her eyes and all at once my supervisor was blocking my view in an effort to comfort her.
After both parties were calmed and Maria was led back to her room I sat with Joey to help ease him.
“Sh-Sh-Sh-She s-said that i-I could touch her b-breasts ih-ih-if I w-would be her fr-fr-fr-fr-friend.” He stuttered as I helped him into another pair of underwear and pants. “I r-r-really w-wanted to to-to-to-touch her b-br-breasts.”
I spent most of the evening well into night explaining to Big Joey that what happened was perfectly natural and that he wasn’t sick. He’d simply lost control of himself. ]
The next day Maria was sent to Harmony Springs and I thought that was the last I would hear of her. I was wrong.
I received a call from the head counselor at Harmony Springs almost 5 months later asking me to meet with her for lunch to discuss a patient of hers. By this time, while I still thought about Maria from time to time, the brief memories of her faded into the distance. Even when I met with Mrs. Smith for lunch I had a hard time recalling much from Maria’s stay other than having to spend the next month giving poor Big Joey a crash course in sex ed.
“Thank you for meeting with me today, Mr. Thorpe.” Mrs. Smith said with just the faintest hint of contempt. I can’t say she was my favorite person. I never have been too friendly with man-haters but for the sake of our combined efforts we did, on occasion, have to work together. I put on my best fake smile and extended my hand before sitting.
“Do you remember a Maria Cruz that came into your place about June?”
I nodded.
“remarkably enough, she remembers you perfectly. It seems you told her you were her friend. Really, Dan!” I would be damned if I was going to share a meal while being chastised by a grisly mean old shoeleather faced woman. I stood silent and moved to turn when she caught me by the arm.
“I started this out wrong. I’m sorry. I guess I’m just frustrated. You know how it is in this business though—they think you’re their friend and then they refuse to talk to anyone else. Well that’s exactly what she’s doing. It seems we have a predicament. We can’t send her to your house, your Head doesn’t want her creating trouble for your residents and you can’t exactly just come right on in to our place.”
“Do it yourself. Why don’t YOU try being her friend?”
“Because you said it first, you’re who she wants, Dan. Just listen to what I have to say.”
I settled back down, feeling the rise and ebb of my anger.
“What if you met Maria somewhere safe? I can put her on a bus to the park. There you can talk to her, maybe get her to talk about things. I can’t describe it but she just seems so… unsettled, like there’s a burden on her she just can’t handle.”
“Alright, I’ll do this. In return you have to stop being such a crotchety old bat!”
Her eyes widened in disbelief for a moment and I could tell she wanted to say something but she didn’t. In fact, after the shock wore off she began to laugh a bit. It was a pleasant change for her.
“Dan, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think I needed a good laugh.”
“You’ve need a good laugh for going on 10 years, my dear.” I grinned, feeling rather proud of myself at that moment. I’d managed to break down one of the most steel hard women I’d ever met with one comment.
The following Monday would find me sitting on a bench at the park, watching the bus stop intently. As a bus pulled up I watched the passengers unload and felt a bit of disappointment when Maria didn’t get off the bus. Suddenly a woman from the throng of people dropped her bag and ran up to me, covering my face in kisses, holding me tightly as if I were some long lost lover. I had to hold her back to get a good look at her. Mistake. My heart charged against my chest. Harmony had been quite good to her.
She barely even looked like the same girl. She’d filled out to a healthy weight, straining the childish sundress she sport in ways it likely wasn’t meant to be. Even her face was filled, beautifully curved in a perfect smile. Her long dark hair was pinned in a neat bun on her head, fastened down by two fun dragonfly hair clips. All at once I remembered everything about her, the way her eyes glittered when she looked at me, the spicy warm scent of her, the low sultry way of speaking that betrayed the words she spoke. Everything.
“I missed my friend Dan!” she hugged me again and laughed.
“I missed you too, Maria.” … what did I just say? Ugh, I was hopeless.
It took a better part of an hour to get her settled down enough to actually talk. She spent so much energy prattling on about the people she’d met at the shelter and the fun coloring book Mrs. Smith had given her that by the time we sat on a bench she was nearly out of breath.
“maria.” I said firmly to get her attention. “Who is your first mama?”
Her face brightened. “She was real nice, Dan. She looked a lot like me, except she was all burned up in a fire before I was born.”
“Where did you live?”
“We didn’t live anywhere. Well… “she mused for a minute” We did live in that old building on 4th street that time I tried to go to school.”
The building she spoke of was one of local notoriety. 10 years previous it had been raided after it was discovered to be an underground brothel. Maria was there?
“Did your mama work?”
“oh… sometimes she went away for a little while. Mrs. Brit and Mrs. Janie took real good care of me when she was gone. They took care of me after my mama died too.”
“when did she die”
For a long moment Maria was quiet. She then broke her own mood with a fresh bout of grinning.
“She died when I.. .”she leaned in to whisper “ lost my first tooth. Mrs. Janie said that just like teeth, sometimes people gotta go to so the world can make room for new people.”
“Did you go to school after your mama died?”
“No. Mrs. Brit and Mrs. Jane said I was better at not being in school. All I had to do was make friends.”
“How did you make friends?”
Maria dropped her head. “I’m not supposed to talk about it unless we’re in a room with a bed… but, you are my friend, and I didn’t have to MAKE you my friend, so I can tell you, right?” She was looking to me for the right answer and I didn’t even know what it was. I just nodded dumbly, listening to her lilting voice.
“All I gotta do is lay down real still like this.” She said as she laid herself down on the bench awkwardly. I was already getting a few strange looks from passersby. “and then my new friend kisses me all over until he gets too tired to play anymore. I miss all my friends, Dan. They all said I was the prettiest friend they’ve ever had. “ There wasn’t any shame in her voice. She honestly had no clue what was really going on; she had no clue she was duped into prostitution. She’d been speaking so emphatically, acting out certain phrases that we’d amassed a small crowd. Maybe they thought she was a street performer. I began to clap, followed by the crowd and after tossing a few bills at her feet they went on with their business. Maria just smiled, pleased with herself
“Then what happened, but let’s play a little game, okay?” I whispered to her.
“Okay, let’s play.”
“The object of the game is to see who can whisper the longest.”
“YES!” she shouted, and then covered her mouth to stifle a giggle. “I can be good at this game.”
“Alright, tell me, quietly now, what happened then.”
“One time after playing with one of my friends I started bleeding all down here” she looked around then met my face with a puzzled look “Mrs. Janie took me to a special doctor who gave me medicine but then she said the medicine made me ugly and fat so I had to keep bleeding sometimes. I used to get sick a lot after that. All the time throwing up. Blech Blech.” I had to motion for her to calm down to keep her quiet. “And then I would go back to the doctor, he’d say “okay beautiful Maria, time to go night night.” And then I was all better until I started throwing up again. I think I had something one of my friends called “knocked up”. It must have been something like a cold cause sometimes everyone would catch “knocked up” and then we’d all have to go see the nice doctor.”
I’d long since stopped writing notes as she spoke. I just knew that I would remember every single thing maria told me that day. And, unfortunately I still remember today. I hate it.
“Then what happened?”
“Mrs. Janie got real sick with something Mrs. Brit called the AIDS and then she went to heaven. After that, it was just me and Mrs. Brit. I didn’t like Mrs. Brit. She never let me outside at all! I liked all the nice stuff she got me though, like a new hat for Mr. Snuffles, and I got a lot of nice dresses. I didn’t like to wear them when it was cold though. She wouldn’t let me wear a jacket. Then I got taken away.” Her face was downcast suddenly. She held Mr. Snuffles to her chest as she struggled for something. “I had to live with a man who was NOT my friend. He was mean to me.” She scowled and buried her chin in her chest. I didn’t want to cause her any stress but I wanted to know more, I was dying to know more.
“What was his name?”
“Mr. Nick.” Then she stopped talking.
“Do you want to get some ice cream now?” I asked, this was all I could do today. Her eyes lit up with that beautiful fervor again and she nodded emphatically.
Before I left my office for the day I called to share our discussion with the head of the shelter. My meetings with Mrs. Smith had not only been for her to learn what I was being told but for me to learn things about Maria that I could not have known unless I lived with her. Everything from the way she has to eat vegetables one piece at a time, or how she goes crazy when someone even mentions cutting her hair to her insatiable appetite for sweets. I also found out that Maria’s time at Harmony Springs was running out. The shelter couldn’t keep anyone longer than six months. Mrs. Smith was hard pressed to find a place for her to go but it seemed poor Maria had a bit of notoriety in the local houses around here and no one wanted to step out and take her. In no time at all, my beautiful Maria would be out on the streets until another 6 months when she would be eligible to stay at the shelter again.
I met with Maria again the following Tuesday, this time I reserved a private booth at a restaurant for us to speak since the park had been strangely public that day. I took the liberty of ordering a cherry limeade for her. Presently she arrived with Mrs. Smith in tow, hugging me in that same exuberant fashion before she sat down, eyes widening at the giant drink in front of her. She took a big sip and twisted her face humorously.
“it tastes funny, but it’s a yummy funny.” She giggled.
For a while we talked about how her week was, what she did. She made fun of my rather unkempt hair and we laughed for a while. I had to turn the conversation where it left off last week, however.
“Tell me about Mr. Nick. “
“I don’t wanna tell you.” Her eyes rolled back in a strange, languid manner. For a moment I thought she looked sick but after watching her expression move from distaste back to pleasure, I realized something was very wrong. I snatched her cherry limeade from the table and took a long drink, Maria clumsily protesting and reaching for it.
“Sweetie, I’m sorry, there’s something wrong with it. I’ll get you another one, okay.”
“But I don’t want another one.” She began to cry, I mean really carry on. The damage was done and there was only a little left. Anything to make her stop wailing! I returned the drink to her and stepped out the door to flag down our server.
“What was in the cherry limeade you gave me?”
The server peeked inside the booth, watching Maria down the last of her drink while giggling so fiercely she could barely keep it in her mouth.
“it’s lime juice, cherry schnapps and gin, sir.”
“Gin.” I groaned. Before I could protest she showed me on the menu where it was with the other alcoholic beverages. It plainly stated what was in it, I was just too dumb and distracted to notice anything but the name of the drink. Well, this was a world class fuck up, to be sure. My mind was numb, fumbling for something to help the situation. All that was really help sober her up was time, the one thing I knew I didn’t have enough of. I really was left with no other option.
I took her by the arm, carefully leading her out of the restaurant and into my car. The scent of her filled my nostrils almost instantly. What the hell am I doing? I thought as I started down the highway. I was not even down the block when Maria fell asleep, Mr. Snuffles lazily laid across her lap as if he too had taken a few nips.
“Well, Mr. Snuffles, what do I do now?”
I did a lot of thinking as I drove around the city in circles. I didn’t have the courage to stop anywhere for a long time, afraid that someone would see her with me. I had just gotten a handicapped woman drunk and kidnapped her. I couldn’t go back now with gin on her breath and just say “oh, I’m sorry we disappeared, oh yeah, I accidentally got her drunk too.” I knew that it would mean the end of my job, but also the end of my visits with Maria. As the evening wore into I had an epiphany. I could take care of her. I realized as I drove that I truly loved this girl, not like a lover, or as a child, but I just… loved her. My lust was replaced with a sort of calm reverence. I’d long since stopped looking at things like her breasts and the curve of her hips and stayed mesmerized in her glittering blue eyes as they searched me for honest answers to complex question. They were questions she would have asked if she were capable of understanding. She, deep down, wanted to know why this was happening to her.
I didn’t have to know the rest of the story. I already had some clue. Her seductive beauty paired with her genuine innocence made her dangerous to herself. Innocence like this wasn’t mean to be given to someone that invoked such .. mature interest. No matter where this girl would go she would get hurt. She was already ruined, taught that sex was how one made friends and she performed these acts unknowingly. It hurt me, Dear Lord, it hurt me so much. Maria would lose all those things about her that I found beautiful if she were to lose that innocence. But if she did not, someone would end up taking advantage of her, maybe hurting her again, or worse, killing her.
What was I thinking? I really don’t know… I guess I was just trying to fix what I thought was one of God’s mistakes. I kept looking over at her as I drove south, thinking to myself… “if she did look like she was supposed to, like someone who was disabled, I would still love her. Isn’t that enough?” I wanted Maria to live but I couldn’t fix her mind, all I could do was make her body more compatible, her life more compatible to it. Just as I crossed into Santa Rita, a border town in Mexico, I saw the place I was looking for. It was the cosmetic surgery place my mother went to to have her face lifted a few years back. It was out of crazed desire to love this girl that I sought out Dr. Morales.
I don’t like talking about this part very much so I guess I’ll keep it brief. She didn’t wake up, even when I took her out of the car into the care of Dr. Morales. There was a lot of arguing behind closed doors after I explained what I wanted done but as the old saying goes, money really does talk. Hours of stress later I went in to see Maria. She was swollen, but not too swollen to see what had been done. Dr. Morales did a really good job capturing the features of someone with Down’s Syndrome, even down to cutting her hair short and unevenly like in the picture I’d shown him. As soon as I saw her, though, I instantly regretted it. I couldn’t stay in there very long before I left in tears…
I remember sitting on the curb outside the place when I heard the most awful scream. Before I had a chance to turn around something fell in my peripheral vision onto the alley beside the building. People gathered around, murmuring in Spanish and English and somehow I just knew. There she was, my beautiful Maria, a crumpled heap on the street, lifeless.
I remember haunting poor Dr. Morales and the nurse that had witnessed the incident for almost 3 days until finally the nurse told me, in broken English about how Maria had woken up and discovered her hair had been cut. Without even looking at her face she screamed hysterically, shouting “I was beautiful, that was all I had.” Before she fell from the window.
I still don’t know if it was an accident or if she meant to jump. I try not to think about it, about as much as I try not to think about her. My memories of her, however, keep popping up everywhere I go… and I hate it.
One of the things I was told when I started working at Montgomery House was to be compassionate to a group of people, but not to any one in particular. For many years I did just that. I’m a pretty level person, I think. I’d seen many people come and go that would make any normal person’s heart ache. I, on the other hand, had grown rather desensitized. Or so I thought.
The cruelest thing the good Lord ever did was give Maria Cruz life. I never hated her. Good heavens, no, I loved that girl with everything I had. Maybe in the end I was the only one who really did. But in the back of my mind I knew I shouldn’t have and before I knew it, I was sucked into the hurricane that is Maria. All storms pass after a while, leaving behind nothing of themselves save a bit of rain and destruction. Hurricanes don’t ask to be created, neither did Maria.
Maria came to the house dirty and bone thin. I felt the slightest twinge in my heart as I watched her being led from the front door to intake, staggering slightly. Her legs were so thin that her knees looked enormous and her hair was tied in a muddy knot atop her head. As they waited for the glass doors to be buzzed open I watched her shiver and look around startled. I knew what was going to happen next and I readied my hand on my phone. This girl was going to bolt.
She looked around and suddenly turned directly toward me and that little twinge I felt in my heart exploded into all out ache. Wide azure eyes, barely kept at bay through bruised lids, locked onto mine and at that moment I was sure she could see right into me. A part of me wanted her to. She averted her eyes, suddenly, and defied my expectations yet again. Instead of wailing and trying to run she simply tightened her arms about herself, holding a ragged plush rabbit to her chest and gave a stuttering sigh.
“Give the poor girl a blanket when you get in there, Charlie.” I said as they came in.
“Will do, boss”
They walked past me, the girl’s eyes never leaving her feet. I had to wonder what her story was. She appeared starved and abused, dirty and disheveled. Something had happened to her, that was for sure.
As the day wore on, my thoughts kept coming back to the woman. A strange part of me wanted to find her, at least find out who she was. I just plain couldn’t let it go. I found myself strangely impatient as I listened to Big Joey stutter his way through the storyline of “The Dark Crystal”. Then again, I had to be thankful that he was easy to please. As long as I nodded and smiled, Joey would keep prattling on. Not to mention, as long as he was talking he wouldn’t be interested in play wrestling. Joey was a big boy, outweighing me by a good 150 lbs.
“Th-There’s a n-n-n-new g-girl in my-my hall.” Joey bobbled up and down. “She’s p-pretty!” Suddenly Joey blushed and turned toward the wall, groaning.
“What’s up, Joey?” I asked, but I already knew. He had the mind of a small child, but he still had the body of a 16 boy, a body that he still had a hard time understanding. It didn’t help matters much that he was outgrowing his favorite pair of sweatpants.
“It’s okay, remember what we talked about?” Joey nodded and slowly turned, a blush coloring his perpetually pallid cheeks. He wrung his hands in his lap as he looked up at me apologetically.
“I r-remember. I th-think I’m d-d-done talking n-now.”
“Coming back tomorrow?” I asked as Joey stood to leave. He nodded slowly and walked out, not before nearly throwing himself to the other side of the hallway just as he cleared the door. Before I could wonder what spooked him I saw a flash of dark hair. It was like watching a ghost at first. She glided across the floor with catlike grace, her once muddy hair now fresh washed hanging loose nearly to the backs of her knees. She still wore the oversized T-shirt from that morning and she still kept her eyes to the floor. I wanted to shelter her from the hurt of the world at that moment. That was the moment I realized how much trouble I was really in for. She stood in the doorway of my office and I felt tears welling up in my eyes.
Led by one of the older nurses, the girl took a seat in the corner, searching around for a moment before setting her plush rabbit in the chair next to her, as if the rabbit too would be talking. I hadn’t received any paperwork on her yet so I had to start with the obvious. I took in a deep breath, afraid to speak.
“Hi, I’m Mr. Thorpe; you can just call me Dan. Is that alright?” I held my hand out over the desk but she didn’t move from where she was seated.
“Maria…” came a faint whisper.
“Is that your name?”
She didn’t say a word.
“And who is this friendly looking creature?” I asked pointing to her rabbit.
“Snuffles.” She whispered again.
She turned up her face and looked into my eyes just as she had done that morning. Being this close to her gave me a moment to look at her better. From here I could see everything from the soft pale skin, the way the faintest spots of pink coalesced with the light spattering of freckles that spanned the bridge of her nose. Even though her eyes were swollen, she was perhaps the most beautiful creature to have ever graced this earth. And those eyes! Her lips parted slowly and she spoke again, this time with a bit more vigor.
“My name is Maria and I’m this many years old.” She held up two bony hands and flashed them three times. I was staggered, was this beautiful creature trying to be amusing? While she spoke with the voice that could give the dead wood, her words were that of a small child.
“You’re 30 years old?” I asked slowly. Her eyes grew wide as she looked at her hands for a moment.
“No!” she smiled widely, showing a perfect set of white teeth. “I’m not 30 yet.” She counted her fingers for nearly 3 minutes, finally giving up after losing count past the first ten so many times. “My new mama says that it’s a sin to tell people how old I am. You won’t tell her will you?” Her expression turned down a bit and all I could do was shake my head in awe. She took this as agreement that I would keep her secret and began smiling again.
I really had to wonder about myself that morning. I’ll be honest when I tell you at least more than once before this meeting I entertained certain… thoughts starring myself and this girl. Suddenly, strangely, I felt like a pedophile. I didn’t like that feeling and what I didn’t like even more than that was even after hearing her speak, I couldn’t shake the sexual attraction I felt towards her. Then again, what was I expecting? This was a home for the mentally disabled. Maybe a schizo? I know more than once I was sure she was an overflow from the women’s shelter down the street.
“Dan?” she asked gently, breaking me from my line of thought. “I’m scared here, and my new Mama isn’t here. Will you be my friend?” Those brilliant azure eyes pleading with me forced me to break the first cardinal rule of the house. There was no turning back now.
“I will be your friend.” As I heard myself say these words I wanted to take them back. Trouble.
My job here was to counsel. I was a good counselor, I thought. There really wasn’t a whole lot that had to be done with the residents that lived there aside from listen and encourage. They were all just like Big Joey, easy to please and even easier to understand. A part of me discovered just how grateful I was to be surrounded by such inherently good, honest people. Inside here at least, I knew what to expect. Maybe a part of me was even a little jealous of how simply they could live and be happy.
That first talk with Maria was short in some ways and excruciatingly long in others. She spent most of her time talking about the two cats that came to the window of her room at night to eat the awful food her “new mama” always made for her. All the while her spicy scent carried through the air, teasing me with afterthoughts of sandalwood and lilacs. I wanted to ask her a thousand questions “Who hurt you?” “Where have you been in your life?” most importantly “how?”. But I didn’t ask them; I let them wait for another day. Shortly after she left I spent the better part of 10 minutes in the restroom shamefully ridding myself of accumulated frustration.
Was I so shallow that I couldn’t see past the exterior? Developmentally disabled people have certain key facial features, ways of walking and talking that made it almost immediately recognizable. Perhaps it was an intelligent design on God’s part, in a way. Like a way of saying “these people are forever children, let’s preserve their innocence.” But Maria had none of them. In fact, I was ready to bet that she was perhaps the most beautiful woman I’d ever set eyes on. Her voice, her face, the way she walked was that of someone her age yet the things she said were that of maybe a 5 year old.
I was well into my lunchbreak when I decided that the best thing for me to do was to quit my job and look for work elsewhere. I couldn’t face those brilliant blue eyes again while knowing how I lusted for her too. I hated myself right then. I hated myself right up to my supervisor’s door, waiting for her exasperated sigh as I seated myself heavily in the chair in front of her desk. No sigh came.
“let me guess, you want to quit too, huh?” She didn’t even look up from the paperwork she was reading. I chuckled nervously but she spoke again before I had a chance to reply.
“I know it’s about Maria. Do you think you’re the first one to come in today and quit because of her? It’s almost as if all my male employees are being strategically herded out of here.”
“All of us?” Had she really created such a stir amongst the men here?
“Even some of the patients are having a hard time handling it. It’s such a shame, she’s such a sweet girl, too. I understand what you’re thinking right now, believe me I’ve heard the same speech about shame and perverse fear at least 6 times already. I admit, I’m surprised you were hit with it too. You were always the one that could take the most.” The old woman moved a stray hair from her forehead as she looked at me with grave seriousness. “I’m going to ask that if you insist on leaving, come back to us after she’s placed in Harmony Springs. It should only be a few weeks, we’re better equipped to handle her injuries and malnutrition.”
That seemed reasonable, pretty damn great in all truth. I’d been wanting a vacation anyway.
“Why the women’s shelter? Clearly she’s MR, that’s what we do.”
“What’s missing from a women’s shelter Dan?” At that moment I understood. She was going to be placed in an environment that would keep her safe from men’s attentions.
“Good thinking.. yeah, that girl is a real doozy for sure.” I wanted to laugh off the guilt I’d been lugging around that day.
“In the 33 years I’ve been in this field, I’ve never seen someone like her. I –“ She was cut off suddenly by a loud crash in the distance. She and I both dashed from our seats and down the hall, skidding to a stop just in time to see Big Joey on the floor of his room, hunched over making a guttural groaning noise. I nearly missed the tops of a pair of pale knees buried into the enormous girth of the man. It still took me a full 30 seconds to register what was going on and yet another 30 to get Big Joey’s attention so I could pull him from the floor. Joey came up, his face red and frozen in terror as he looked down at himself. The front of his sweatpants were bulging and soaked down to the knees and in an instant the giant man began to wail.
“I didn’t mean to, Mr. Dan. I didn’t mean to.” He pleaded as he buried his face in my shoulder.
I didn’t have look over to see who’s knees I’d seen. I already knew but perversion made me look anyway. There was Maria, still lying on her back on the floor nude save a pair of minimal black lace panties. Her mouth was a perfect “o” of shock, hands clenched at her sides still as if she was too afraid to even move. Her eyes locked onto mine and for a long moment I could hear nothing of the room around me except the beating of my heart. Suddenly she began to cry; giant tears welling in her eyes and all at once my supervisor was blocking my view in an effort to comfort her.
After both parties were calmed and Maria was led back to her room I sat with Joey to help ease him.
“Sh-Sh-Sh-She s-said that i-I could touch her b-breasts ih-ih-if I w-would be her fr-fr-fr-fr-friend.” He stuttered as I helped him into another pair of underwear and pants. “I r-r-really w-wanted to to-to-to-touch her b-br-breasts.”
I spent most of the evening well into night explaining to Big Joey that what happened was perfectly natural and that he wasn’t sick. He’d simply lost control of himself. ]
The next day Maria was sent to Harmony Springs and I thought that was the last I would hear of her. I was wrong.
I received a call from the head counselor at Harmony Springs almost 5 months later asking me to meet with her for lunch to discuss a patient of hers. By this time, while I still thought about Maria from time to time, the brief memories of her faded into the distance. Even when I met with Mrs. Smith for lunch I had a hard time recalling much from Maria’s stay other than having to spend the next month giving poor Big Joey a crash course in sex ed.
“Thank you for meeting with me today, Mr. Thorpe.” Mrs. Smith said with just the faintest hint of contempt. I can’t say she was my favorite person. I never have been too friendly with man-haters but for the sake of our combined efforts we did, on occasion, have to work together. I put on my best fake smile and extended my hand before sitting.
“Do you remember a Maria Cruz that came into your place about June?”
I nodded.
“remarkably enough, she remembers you perfectly. It seems you told her you were her friend. Really, Dan!” I would be damned if I was going to share a meal while being chastised by a grisly mean old shoeleather faced woman. I stood silent and moved to turn when she caught me by the arm.
“I started this out wrong. I’m sorry. I guess I’m just frustrated. You know how it is in this business though—they think you’re their friend and then they refuse to talk to anyone else. Well that’s exactly what she’s doing. It seems we have a predicament. We can’t send her to your house, your Head doesn’t want her creating trouble for your residents and you can’t exactly just come right on in to our place.”
“Do it yourself. Why don’t YOU try being her friend?”
“Because you said it first, you’re who she wants, Dan. Just listen to what I have to say.”
I settled back down, feeling the rise and ebb of my anger.
“What if you met Maria somewhere safe? I can put her on a bus to the park. There you can talk to her, maybe get her to talk about things. I can’t describe it but she just seems so… unsettled, like there’s a burden on her she just can’t handle.”
“Alright, I’ll do this. In return you have to stop being such a crotchety old bat!”
Her eyes widened in disbelief for a moment and I could tell she wanted to say something but she didn’t. In fact, after the shock wore off she began to laugh a bit. It was a pleasant change for her.
“Dan, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think I needed a good laugh.”
“You’ve need a good laugh for going on 10 years, my dear.” I grinned, feeling rather proud of myself at that moment. I’d managed to break down one of the most steel hard women I’d ever met with one comment.
The following Monday would find me sitting on a bench at the park, watching the bus stop intently. As a bus pulled up I watched the passengers unload and felt a bit of disappointment when Maria didn’t get off the bus. Suddenly a woman from the throng of people dropped her bag and ran up to me, covering my face in kisses, holding me tightly as if I were some long lost lover. I had to hold her back to get a good look at her. Mistake. My heart charged against my chest. Harmony had been quite good to her.
She barely even looked like the same girl. She’d filled out to a healthy weight, straining the childish sundress she sport in ways it likely wasn’t meant to be. Even her face was filled, beautifully curved in a perfect smile. Her long dark hair was pinned in a neat bun on her head, fastened down by two fun dragonfly hair clips. All at once I remembered everything about her, the way her eyes glittered when she looked at me, the spicy warm scent of her, the low sultry way of speaking that betrayed the words she spoke. Everything.
“I missed my friend Dan!” she hugged me again and laughed.
“I missed you too, Maria.” … what did I just say? Ugh, I was hopeless.
It took a better part of an hour to get her settled down enough to actually talk. She spent so much energy prattling on about the people she’d met at the shelter and the fun coloring book Mrs. Smith had given her that by the time we sat on a bench she was nearly out of breath.
“maria.” I said firmly to get her attention. “Who is your first mama?”
Her face brightened. “She was real nice, Dan. She looked a lot like me, except she was all burned up in a fire before I was born.”
“Where did you live?”
“We didn’t live anywhere. Well… “she mused for a minute” We did live in that old building on 4th street that time I tried to go to school.”
The building she spoke of was one of local notoriety. 10 years previous it had been raided after it was discovered to be an underground brothel. Maria was there?
“Did your mama work?”
“oh… sometimes she went away for a little while. Mrs. Brit and Mrs. Janie took real good care of me when she was gone. They took care of me after my mama died too.”
“when did she die”
For a long moment Maria was quiet. She then broke her own mood with a fresh bout of grinning.
“She died when I.. .”she leaned in to whisper “ lost my first tooth. Mrs. Janie said that just like teeth, sometimes people gotta go to so the world can make room for new people.”
“Did you go to school after your mama died?”
“No. Mrs. Brit and Mrs. Jane said I was better at not being in school. All I had to do was make friends.”
“How did you make friends?”
Maria dropped her head. “I’m not supposed to talk about it unless we’re in a room with a bed… but, you are my friend, and I didn’t have to MAKE you my friend, so I can tell you, right?” She was looking to me for the right answer and I didn’t even know what it was. I just nodded dumbly, listening to her lilting voice.
“All I gotta do is lay down real still like this.” She said as she laid herself down on the bench awkwardly. I was already getting a few strange looks from passersby. “and then my new friend kisses me all over until he gets too tired to play anymore. I miss all my friends, Dan. They all said I was the prettiest friend they’ve ever had. “ There wasn’t any shame in her voice. She honestly had no clue what was really going on; she had no clue she was duped into prostitution. She’d been speaking so emphatically, acting out certain phrases that we’d amassed a small crowd. Maybe they thought she was a street performer. I began to clap, followed by the crowd and after tossing a few bills at her feet they went on with their business. Maria just smiled, pleased with herself
“Then what happened, but let’s play a little game, okay?” I whispered to her.
“Okay, let’s play.”
“The object of the game is to see who can whisper the longest.”
“YES!” she shouted, and then covered her mouth to stifle a giggle. “I can be good at this game.”
“Alright, tell me, quietly now, what happened then.”
“One time after playing with one of my friends I started bleeding all down here” she looked around then met my face with a puzzled look “Mrs. Janie took me to a special doctor who gave me medicine but then she said the medicine made me ugly and fat so I had to keep bleeding sometimes. I used to get sick a lot after that. All the time throwing up. Blech Blech.” I had to motion for her to calm down to keep her quiet. “And then I would go back to the doctor, he’d say “okay beautiful Maria, time to go night night.” And then I was all better until I started throwing up again. I think I had something one of my friends called “knocked up”. It must have been something like a cold cause sometimes everyone would catch “knocked up” and then we’d all have to go see the nice doctor.”
I’d long since stopped writing notes as she spoke. I just knew that I would remember every single thing maria told me that day. And, unfortunately I still remember today. I hate it.
“Then what happened?”
“Mrs. Janie got real sick with something Mrs. Brit called the AIDS and then she went to heaven. After that, it was just me and Mrs. Brit. I didn’t like Mrs. Brit. She never let me outside at all! I liked all the nice stuff she got me though, like a new hat for Mr. Snuffles, and I got a lot of nice dresses. I didn’t like to wear them when it was cold though. She wouldn’t let me wear a jacket. Then I got taken away.” Her face was downcast suddenly. She held Mr. Snuffles to her chest as she struggled for something. “I had to live with a man who was NOT my friend. He was mean to me.” She scowled and buried her chin in her chest. I didn’t want to cause her any stress but I wanted to know more, I was dying to know more.
“What was his name?”
“Mr. Nick.” Then she stopped talking.
“Do you want to get some ice cream now?” I asked, this was all I could do today. Her eyes lit up with that beautiful fervor again and she nodded emphatically.
Before I left my office for the day I called to share our discussion with the head of the shelter. My meetings with Mrs. Smith had not only been for her to learn what I was being told but for me to learn things about Maria that I could not have known unless I lived with her. Everything from the way she has to eat vegetables one piece at a time, or how she goes crazy when someone even mentions cutting her hair to her insatiable appetite for sweets. I also found out that Maria’s time at Harmony Springs was running out. The shelter couldn’t keep anyone longer than six months. Mrs. Smith was hard pressed to find a place for her to go but it seemed poor Maria had a bit of notoriety in the local houses around here and no one wanted to step out and take her. In no time at all, my beautiful Maria would be out on the streets until another 6 months when she would be eligible to stay at the shelter again.
I met with Maria again the following Tuesday, this time I reserved a private booth at a restaurant for us to speak since the park had been strangely public that day. I took the liberty of ordering a cherry limeade for her. Presently she arrived with Mrs. Smith in tow, hugging me in that same exuberant fashion before she sat down, eyes widening at the giant drink in front of her. She took a big sip and twisted her face humorously.
“it tastes funny, but it’s a yummy funny.” She giggled.
For a while we talked about how her week was, what she did. She made fun of my rather unkempt hair and we laughed for a while. I had to turn the conversation where it left off last week, however.
“Tell me about Mr. Nick. “
“I don’t wanna tell you.” Her eyes rolled back in a strange, languid manner. For a moment I thought she looked sick but after watching her expression move from distaste back to pleasure, I realized something was very wrong. I snatched her cherry limeade from the table and took a long drink, Maria clumsily protesting and reaching for it.
“Sweetie, I’m sorry, there’s something wrong with it. I’ll get you another one, okay.”
“But I don’t want another one.” She began to cry, I mean really carry on. The damage was done and there was only a little left. Anything to make her stop wailing! I returned the drink to her and stepped out the door to flag down our server.
“What was in the cherry limeade you gave me?”
The server peeked inside the booth, watching Maria down the last of her drink while giggling so fiercely she could barely keep it in her mouth.
“it’s lime juice, cherry schnapps and gin, sir.”
“Gin.” I groaned. Before I could protest she showed me on the menu where it was with the other alcoholic beverages. It plainly stated what was in it, I was just too dumb and distracted to notice anything but the name of the drink. Well, this was a world class fuck up, to be sure. My mind was numb, fumbling for something to help the situation. All that was really help sober her up was time, the one thing I knew I didn’t have enough of. I really was left with no other option.
I took her by the arm, carefully leading her out of the restaurant and into my car. The scent of her filled my nostrils almost instantly. What the hell am I doing? I thought as I started down the highway. I was not even down the block when Maria fell asleep, Mr. Snuffles lazily laid across her lap as if he too had taken a few nips.
“Well, Mr. Snuffles, what do I do now?”
I did a lot of thinking as I drove around the city in circles. I didn’t have the courage to stop anywhere for a long time, afraid that someone would see her with me. I had just gotten a handicapped woman drunk and kidnapped her. I couldn’t go back now with gin on her breath and just say “oh, I’m sorry we disappeared, oh yeah, I accidentally got her drunk too.” I knew that it would mean the end of my job, but also the end of my visits with Maria. As the evening wore into I had an epiphany. I could take care of her. I realized as I drove that I truly loved this girl, not like a lover, or as a child, but I just… loved her. My lust was replaced with a sort of calm reverence. I’d long since stopped looking at things like her breasts and the curve of her hips and stayed mesmerized in her glittering blue eyes as they searched me for honest answers to complex question. They were questions she would have asked if she were capable of understanding. She, deep down, wanted to know why this was happening to her.
I didn’t have to know the rest of the story. I already had some clue. Her seductive beauty paired with her genuine innocence made her dangerous to herself. Innocence like this wasn’t mean to be given to someone that invoked such .. mature interest. No matter where this girl would go she would get hurt. She was already ruined, taught that sex was how one made friends and she performed these acts unknowingly. It hurt me, Dear Lord, it hurt me so much. Maria would lose all those things about her that I found beautiful if she were to lose that innocence. But if she did not, someone would end up taking advantage of her, maybe hurting her again, or worse, killing her.
What was I thinking? I really don’t know… I guess I was just trying to fix what I thought was one of God’s mistakes. I kept looking over at her as I drove south, thinking to myself… “if she did look like she was supposed to, like someone who was disabled, I would still love her. Isn’t that enough?” I wanted Maria to live but I couldn’t fix her mind, all I could do was make her body more compatible, her life more compatible to it. Just as I crossed into Santa Rita, a border town in Mexico, I saw the place I was looking for. It was the cosmetic surgery place my mother went to to have her face lifted a few years back. It was out of crazed desire to love this girl that I sought out Dr. Morales.
I don’t like talking about this part very much so I guess I’ll keep it brief. She didn’t wake up, even when I took her out of the car into the care of Dr. Morales. There was a lot of arguing behind closed doors after I explained what I wanted done but as the old saying goes, money really does talk. Hours of stress later I went in to see Maria. She was swollen, but not too swollen to see what had been done. Dr. Morales did a really good job capturing the features of someone with Down’s Syndrome, even down to cutting her hair short and unevenly like in the picture I’d shown him. As soon as I saw her, though, I instantly regretted it. I couldn’t stay in there very long before I left in tears…
I remember sitting on the curb outside the place when I heard the most awful scream. Before I had a chance to turn around something fell in my peripheral vision onto the alley beside the building. People gathered around, murmuring in Spanish and English and somehow I just knew. There she was, my beautiful Maria, a crumpled heap on the street, lifeless.
I remember haunting poor Dr. Morales and the nurse that had witnessed the incident for almost 3 days until finally the nurse told me, in broken English about how Maria had woken up and discovered her hair had been cut. Without even looking at her face she screamed hysterically, shouting “I was beautiful, that was all I had.” Before she fell from the window.
I still don’t know if it was an accident or if she meant to jump. I try not to think about it, about as much as I try not to think about her. My memories of her, however, keep popping up everywhere I go… and I hate it.
