Knightshade
TMF Regular
- Joined
- Aug 31, 2001
- Messages
- 190
- Points
- 0
Better read this with a light on, it gets pretty dark.
I remember it as if it happened yesterday. Some wonder how I remember, some tell me I was too young to remember. I ask them, how can you forget your earliest memory?
This will not be a story of dragons and knights and swords and sorcery of a long gone age. This will not be a story about bold and dashing romantic heroes, noble soldiers, amazing superheroes and it will not be a story about aliens and space travel ray guns and robots.
This is a story about me, I won’t tell you my name, and any names I use in this story are changed to protect the innocent. This story is about me. Everything you need to know will be in these pages. You may ask yourself, how will I get interested in a story about a man who I will never know? Don’t worry, you’ll get to know me very well, but for now and forever simply call me DEADMAN.
Come now, don’t be afraid. I know this place, take my hand and I’ll guide you through. I have to warn you, it’s going to get dark in here, but don’t worry, I’ll be right here with you. Are you ready?
Hmmm… now where to begin? There’s so much to tell you. Ah, why not start at the beginning. But before I start, do me a favor, find a mirror, or something that you can see yourself in and take a look. It’s ok, I’ll wait. All done now? Good. What did you see? No, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, I understand. I did that for a reason. You see, every day we run into a set of problems, complications, decisions and how we deal with them is what makes us who we are. Of course there are other things too, but I’m not here to talk about that, not yet.
Now think back to your earliest memory, it’s alright if you want to put this story down and take a stroll down memory lane, just promise you’ll come back. I’ll be right here waiting for you. All done now? Good. Have I got your attention yet? Because it’s time for me to share something with you.
My earliest memory is laying somewhere, I didn’t know where I was, I didn’t know anyone there, and worst of all, I didn’t know who I was. I have never been so alone. Then something is stuck into my back, it hurts of course, very badly. This was the first of many things I learned to cope with on my own. My earliest memory was pain, welcome to the world.
I have been dead inside for quite some time now, how did I die you ask? Every living thing has it’s own set tolerance for pain, physical, mental, emotional…. I had reached my limit, but instead of ending life, as you know it, I died a different way. I died inside. Some may call it being desensitized, or just giving up, sure whatever helps you sleep at night.
When someone commits suicide, they have a choice, when someone gives up, it is a choice, I didn’t have a choice, I shut down and became the walking dead.
Some people choose to turn themselves off, to kill their emotions so that they can hide from the pain inside their hearts, but when you turn yourself off it kills everything inside you. You no longer feel, there is no more hurt, but there is no more laughter, there are no more tears, but there is no more love, there is no more inner turmoil, but there is no more inner peace. Turning yourself off is not a wise decision, your emotions die, your heart dies, your love dies, and no matter how badly you want to, you can’t come back for fear of being hurt again.
But I didn’t have that choice, I was pushed off that cliff long ago and my heart leapt off it’s mortal coil on it’s own. There is no way to get it back.
Being dead inside isn’t just that simple either, because then other parts of you begin to die away also. Think how it must bear on your mind…. Being unable to feel, unable to react. Think of how it must haunt you when the only person you have ever loved hurts you, and you die inside because of it, but they see the error of their ways and return to love you with all their heart and you must turn them away because you can no longer feel. Imagine that, a person professing their undying love to you, and being unable to return it to them, and when it breaks their heart you cannot comfort them because you no longer care, no matter how badly you wish you did.
Imagine how your family feels, seeing you become one of the walking dead, hoping and praying that you will pull through, but all the time knowing that there’s no way to come back. You may want to, but you can’t, because you selfishly took yourself away. It will tear your mind to shreds, and then you will die again… dead inside your heart and dead inside your own mind. You have a choice, I didn’t.
It’s only a matter of time before you begin to give out, because your body can only take so much. Doomed to walk the earth with a dead heart and a dead mind. Do we even realize how fragile life really is? I think not. Do we even stop to think about the consequences of taking our own lives? I think not. How long do you think you can live with a dead heart and a dead mind? The walking dead are not long for this world. Some try to escape pain by taking their own lives rather then trying to pull themselves out of that dark pit they have been thrown into.
Have you ever felt like you’ve been thrown into a pit so dark and deep that you feel you can never escape so you just sit and wait to die? Take a good long look, because maybe you threw yourself in there and there’s a rope right in front of you.
Some people see taking their own lives as a means of escape, if they only knew. Think about this as the noose tightens around you neck, as the poison courses through your body, as you bleed, as you die… Somebody is going to find your lifeless carcass; somebody is going to see a person who has given up, someone who is afraid of life. Maybe when you die you can still see what is going on around you, you can see everything.
Take a moment and think, who do you love? Imagine them finding your body, it will tell them that you have given up and refused to play the hand you were dealt. Imagine them crying over you because you’re gone now. Lying on the floor cold and dead, but you can see them can’t you? You can hear their cries. Imagine when they have to call the coroner to drag your body to the cold morgue. You will be laid on a freezing slab and locked inside a wall with the other dead, unable to move, unable to speak. But you can see the darkness surround you, you can feel the coldness of your dead body cant you?
Imagine that loved one having to tell everyone else about what you have done to yourself. Imagine the hurt, the pain, imagine how they feel knowing that they will never be with you again now that you’re gone. Never again will you see a sunset. Never again will you feel a warm summer breeze blow through your hair. Never again will you laugh with your friends, because now you’re gone and all they can do is cry.
It’s time for your funeral now, you’re laid there in the casket, everyone is here. Your friends, your family, everyone you have ever cared about. Can you see them? Sure you can, they’re heartbroken. Your best friend is in tears, because they know they will never spend another good time with you, no more fishing trips, no more late night movies at the drive in, no more concerts, no more parties. By the way, that girl who lived up the block that you had a crush on all these years is there, she lays flowers on top of your casket and breaks down in tears. But you saw all that didn’t you? I know you did.
Did you just see what happened across the room? They had to take your poor mother out of here, this poor woman who carried you inside her body, loved you no matter how many arguments you had, no matter how many times you came in late. Her child is gone, and she will never see you again.
The preacher is talking now, listen carefully to his words. Now they’re giving your eulogy, your friends come up one by one and talk about all the good times they had with you, and how much you’re going to be missed. They’re closing the lid now, you can feel the pallbearers carrying you away. Don’t you wish you could sit up out of the coffin and tell them all they everything is ok now? You have finally realized that someone does care about you. They don’t need to bury you, you’ve changed your mind.
You can’t. You’re dead, remember?
You’re in the hearse now, taking your last ride. They take you out once you reach the graveyard, the preacher gives you last rites, and you are lowered into the ground. It’s lonely here, dark and cold and lonely. As the last shovel of dirt is heaped upon you, you wish you could take it all back. You want to live again. It’s too late, you can’t. But don’t worry, you won’t be here long, you’ll be going somewhere else soon, you’ll be able to feel again, but this time it will be nothing but pain…. Forever… You don’t want that do you? Of course you don’t but it’s too late now, you begin to fall.
You did this to yourself, because you couldn’t take a little pain in life. So you decided to get away, well that was only temporary, now there is more than you can ever imagine, there’s no way out.
But you had a choice. You still have a choice. You have this to remind you.
I’m leaving now dear reader, I may be back, I may not. I pray that you heed my words. Oh pardon my manners, I bet that you’re wondering how I know what it’s like to be dead aren’t you. Let’s just say that I speak from experience. Until next time….
I remember it as if it happened yesterday. Some wonder how I remember, some tell me I was too young to remember. I ask them, how can you forget your earliest memory?
This will not be a story of dragons and knights and swords and sorcery of a long gone age. This will not be a story about bold and dashing romantic heroes, noble soldiers, amazing superheroes and it will not be a story about aliens and space travel ray guns and robots.
This is a story about me, I won’t tell you my name, and any names I use in this story are changed to protect the innocent. This story is about me. Everything you need to know will be in these pages. You may ask yourself, how will I get interested in a story about a man who I will never know? Don’t worry, you’ll get to know me very well, but for now and forever simply call me DEADMAN.
Come now, don’t be afraid. I know this place, take my hand and I’ll guide you through. I have to warn you, it’s going to get dark in here, but don’t worry, I’ll be right here with you. Are you ready?
Hmmm… now where to begin? There’s so much to tell you. Ah, why not start at the beginning. But before I start, do me a favor, find a mirror, or something that you can see yourself in and take a look. It’s ok, I’ll wait. All done now? Good. What did you see? No, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, I understand. I did that for a reason. You see, every day we run into a set of problems, complications, decisions and how we deal with them is what makes us who we are. Of course there are other things too, but I’m not here to talk about that, not yet.
Now think back to your earliest memory, it’s alright if you want to put this story down and take a stroll down memory lane, just promise you’ll come back. I’ll be right here waiting for you. All done now? Good. Have I got your attention yet? Because it’s time for me to share something with you.
My earliest memory is laying somewhere, I didn’t know where I was, I didn’t know anyone there, and worst of all, I didn’t know who I was. I have never been so alone. Then something is stuck into my back, it hurts of course, very badly. This was the first of many things I learned to cope with on my own. My earliest memory was pain, welcome to the world.
I have been dead inside for quite some time now, how did I die you ask? Every living thing has it’s own set tolerance for pain, physical, mental, emotional…. I had reached my limit, but instead of ending life, as you know it, I died a different way. I died inside. Some may call it being desensitized, or just giving up, sure whatever helps you sleep at night.
When someone commits suicide, they have a choice, when someone gives up, it is a choice, I didn’t have a choice, I shut down and became the walking dead.
Some people choose to turn themselves off, to kill their emotions so that they can hide from the pain inside their hearts, but when you turn yourself off it kills everything inside you. You no longer feel, there is no more hurt, but there is no more laughter, there are no more tears, but there is no more love, there is no more inner turmoil, but there is no more inner peace. Turning yourself off is not a wise decision, your emotions die, your heart dies, your love dies, and no matter how badly you want to, you can’t come back for fear of being hurt again.
But I didn’t have that choice, I was pushed off that cliff long ago and my heart leapt off it’s mortal coil on it’s own. There is no way to get it back.
Being dead inside isn’t just that simple either, because then other parts of you begin to die away also. Think how it must bear on your mind…. Being unable to feel, unable to react. Think of how it must haunt you when the only person you have ever loved hurts you, and you die inside because of it, but they see the error of their ways and return to love you with all their heart and you must turn them away because you can no longer feel. Imagine that, a person professing their undying love to you, and being unable to return it to them, and when it breaks their heart you cannot comfort them because you no longer care, no matter how badly you wish you did.
Imagine how your family feels, seeing you become one of the walking dead, hoping and praying that you will pull through, but all the time knowing that there’s no way to come back. You may want to, but you can’t, because you selfishly took yourself away. It will tear your mind to shreds, and then you will die again… dead inside your heart and dead inside your own mind. You have a choice, I didn’t.
It’s only a matter of time before you begin to give out, because your body can only take so much. Doomed to walk the earth with a dead heart and a dead mind. Do we even realize how fragile life really is? I think not. Do we even stop to think about the consequences of taking our own lives? I think not. How long do you think you can live with a dead heart and a dead mind? The walking dead are not long for this world. Some try to escape pain by taking their own lives rather then trying to pull themselves out of that dark pit they have been thrown into.
Have you ever felt like you’ve been thrown into a pit so dark and deep that you feel you can never escape so you just sit and wait to die? Take a good long look, because maybe you threw yourself in there and there’s a rope right in front of you.
Some people see taking their own lives as a means of escape, if they only knew. Think about this as the noose tightens around you neck, as the poison courses through your body, as you bleed, as you die… Somebody is going to find your lifeless carcass; somebody is going to see a person who has given up, someone who is afraid of life. Maybe when you die you can still see what is going on around you, you can see everything.
Take a moment and think, who do you love? Imagine them finding your body, it will tell them that you have given up and refused to play the hand you were dealt. Imagine them crying over you because you’re gone now. Lying on the floor cold and dead, but you can see them can’t you? You can hear their cries. Imagine when they have to call the coroner to drag your body to the cold morgue. You will be laid on a freezing slab and locked inside a wall with the other dead, unable to move, unable to speak. But you can see the darkness surround you, you can feel the coldness of your dead body cant you?
Imagine that loved one having to tell everyone else about what you have done to yourself. Imagine the hurt, the pain, imagine how they feel knowing that they will never be with you again now that you’re gone. Never again will you see a sunset. Never again will you feel a warm summer breeze blow through your hair. Never again will you laugh with your friends, because now you’re gone and all they can do is cry.
It’s time for your funeral now, you’re laid there in the casket, everyone is here. Your friends, your family, everyone you have ever cared about. Can you see them? Sure you can, they’re heartbroken. Your best friend is in tears, because they know they will never spend another good time with you, no more fishing trips, no more late night movies at the drive in, no more concerts, no more parties. By the way, that girl who lived up the block that you had a crush on all these years is there, she lays flowers on top of your casket and breaks down in tears. But you saw all that didn’t you? I know you did.
Did you just see what happened across the room? They had to take your poor mother out of here, this poor woman who carried you inside her body, loved you no matter how many arguments you had, no matter how many times you came in late. Her child is gone, and she will never see you again.
The preacher is talking now, listen carefully to his words. Now they’re giving your eulogy, your friends come up one by one and talk about all the good times they had with you, and how much you’re going to be missed. They’re closing the lid now, you can feel the pallbearers carrying you away. Don’t you wish you could sit up out of the coffin and tell them all they everything is ok now? You have finally realized that someone does care about you. They don’t need to bury you, you’ve changed your mind.
You can’t. You’re dead, remember?
You’re in the hearse now, taking your last ride. They take you out once you reach the graveyard, the preacher gives you last rites, and you are lowered into the ground. It’s lonely here, dark and cold and lonely. As the last shovel of dirt is heaped upon you, you wish you could take it all back. You want to live again. It’s too late, you can’t. But don’t worry, you won’t be here long, you’ll be going somewhere else soon, you’ll be able to feel again, but this time it will be nothing but pain…. Forever… You don’t want that do you? Of course you don’t but it’s too late now, you begin to fall.
You did this to yourself, because you couldn’t take a little pain in life. So you decided to get away, well that was only temporary, now there is more than you can ever imagine, there’s no way out.
But you had a choice. You still have a choice. You have this to remind you.
I’m leaving now dear reader, I may be back, I may not. I pray that you heed my words. Oh pardon my manners, I bet that you’re wondering how I know what it’s like to be dead aren’t you. Let’s just say that I speak from experience. Until next time….
