Do you believe where you live defines your self-esteem?

[Ticklerguy4u]

I was thinking about these two friends I have. One male and one female. Both have self-esteem problems because of they don't get hit on very often. So they are trying to fix it.

She is trying to lose weight because most of her friends are thin and get hit on all the time by the guys around town when they go out. She doesn't.

He is very skinny and is trying to bulk up because he is always the guy that is put in the "friend" category whenever he meets women.

We live in a small town and I don't think either of them would be considered unattractive but they have a hard time getting attention from the opposite sex. Both are actually very friendly and good people. They have lots of friends but not many suitors. I've lived other places and have seen other guys and girls that I would consider the same type as they are...getting laid, asked out or "hit on" most of the time. So if they lived somewhere else maybe they could be more accepting of themselves because it wouldn't be an issue.

So I wonder...could where you live affect your self-esteem because you aren't anyone's type? What do you think?

 

[Mitchell]

My ex best friend would love this thread. He was/is thin and not attractive, and he believed that when we lived in CT, some of his problems stemmed from that. I dont know.

In answer to your question:I think that where one lives can define their self esteem, if they aren't similar to others living in their area. That having been said, while this is true sometimes, it isnt necessarially true.

Mitch

 

[GQguy]

Hmmm. Yes.

I lived in Phoenix/Tempe/Scottsdale for a few years and hands down we have some of the most beautiful women in the country. But since there were so many no one girl could corner the guy market because there was always a prettier girl. These same girls in a smaller town would be worshiped and idolized. On the other hand these girls have in mind a "type" of guy that they want to date...there are fewer of these guys than girls so they get tons of attention from them boosting their self esteem.

Big fish in small pond. But since your friends live in a small town already that wouldn't help. Being in a big city would help in that they increase their odds of meeting someone that found them attractive. Reputations are built in small towns too and it's difficult to shake them off once it's established. Moving to a new city allows one to create a whole new image...perhaps even one that is more attractive.

Fat girls and skinny guys aren't in high demand. They're smart by getting fit in that they can appeal to a larger group of people and increase their odds of meeting someone cool.

Some say looks aren't important...and to an extent they're right. But!! Meeting a stranger is no easy feat. Being attractive allows the opposite sex to notice you and to weigh their options in favor of meeting you despite their fear of rejection. Walk across the room and get rejected by a overweight woman that I was attracted to...not likely. The fear of rejection outweighs the potential meeting. Walk across the room to meet the gorgeous girl...works. Sure I might get a drink splashed in my face but if things go well...then!!!!

GQ

 

[Mitchell]

GQ, I agree with most of what you said, but I think being in a big city can be a Catch 22. As you know, I'm about to find out in a few weeks.

As you know, i'm moving to NY in a few weeks. I believe that may be a double edged sword for me. I'll have many, many women to choose from, but.. I'll also have more competition from other guys. That being said, I think that maybe being a small fish in a big pond, can work to my advantage.

Mitch

 

[GQguy]

GQ, I agree with most of what you said, but I think being in a big city can be a Catch 22. As you know, I'm about to find out in a few weeks.

As you know, i'm moving to NY in a few weeks. I believe that may be a double edged sword for me. I'll have many, many women to choose from, but.. I'll also have more competition from other guys. That being said, I think that maybe being a small fish in a big pond, can work to my advantage.

Mitch

Yup. The glass is half full approach is the best approach when it comes to dating. Knowing what I call "your market value" also helps. "Market value" as in what one has to offer in a relationship. It can be superficial like money or looks, it can be one's humor, it can be one's loyalty...ect ect. Knowing what you have to offer allows a dater to display these positive qualities early to pique the interest of their potential dates. Being a small fish in a big pond can be used to one's advantage as applied to "market value".

Man...I need to write a book!

GQ

GQ

 

[PiedPiper]

Small towns can be hell,....

 

[Ticklerguy4u]

Yup. The glass is half full approach is the best approach when it comes to dating. Knowing what I call "your market value" also helps. "Market value" as in what one has to offer in a relationship. It can be superficial like money or looks, it can be one's humor, it can be one's loyalty...ect ect. Knowing what you have to offer allows a dater to display these positive qualities early to pique the interest of their potential dates. Being a small fish in a big pond can be used to one's advantage as applied to "market value".
Man...I need to write a book!

GQ

GQ

I agree. Around the state I live, believe it or not, immature guys are in more demand then mature guys. If you act like you haven't left high school. You'll have girls wanting to hang with you even if you are fifty.

 

[c7_assassin]

Small towns are a great place to meet women, if you don't mind keeping it in the family. 😉

 

[Mitchell]

I really like this discussion.

My market value.. Well... A girl isnt going to be bowled over by my money or looks. Money I'm working on having. Looks: I consider myself "Presentable", but not drop dead handsome.

I think where a girl is really going to be taken with me.. is in two areas that maybe go hand in hand. Loyalty, and character. If I love someone, and they love me, my loyalty will be with them 100% always. I've also always prided myself on having high moral and ethical character. I';m very much into doing the "right thing", and very honest. If I wasnt happy in a relationship,. I would NEVER cheat on my partner/gf/wife. I'd sooner go to her, and work on the relationship, or, if it couldnt be worked out, break up, and move on to someone else, and be free and clear. My Dad, even with all our issues, has said to me recently.. "Mitch, you're too nice".

One other thing on this topic.

While I'm sad to be leaving Lancaster for certain reasons.. I think that going back to NY will definitely help my self esteem. So many bad things have happened to me here, from the failed business, to breaking up with my ex best friend, and now the worst blow of losing my mom, that its like thirteen years of bad history is following me around. When I go back to NY, those things will still have happened, but I will be starting fresh, with a new job/business, apartment, and the support of my family and long term friends. That will be of great help.

Mitch

 

[Bohemianne]

No matter where you go, there is only one word that can affect your being accepted or not. Attitude.

 

[Ticklerguy4u]

No matter where you go, there is only one word that can affect your being accepted or not. Attitude.

True, but if you live and a football loving state and you love hockey. The percentage of finding someone that shares your passion is slim. No matter how positive person you are. You'll have a lot friends but may be having "Friday Night Hockey" alone.

 

[Bohemianne]

True, but if you live and a football loving state and you love hockey. The percentage of finding someone that shares your passion is slim. No matter how positive person you are. You'll have a lot friends but may be having "Friday Night Hockey" alone.

A lady who loves hockey can start by wearing mini-skirt to attract the football lovers...if she has nice legs... Kiddin' 😉
Anyway, I agree with what GQ said about finding luck in a bigger place like city than in a small town...

 

[kopfhorer]

I guess presenting oneself to a prospective mate is like mixing a record. If the vocalist is dead-on but the rhythm guitarist sounds like he's having a bad day, you put the rhythm guitarist farther down in the mix.

Put another way, one of my ex-girlfriends was to put it bluntly, fat. I dug her because for one thing she knew how to present herself in the best possible light, and we shared a lot of the same interests. That's a mega-simplification but hopefully you see my point.

As for one's location, living in a post-industrial upstate New York quasi-college town has taught me that a good car, a GPS and a clean driving record is essential if one wants to have a love- and/or sex-life!

And yes, Mitchell, sometimes relocation is the only way to "hit reset".

No matter where you go, there is only one word that can affect your being accepted or not. Attitude.

You have a point there.

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[Bohemianne]

... sometimes relocation is the only way to "hit reset".

It will all revert back to what you are. Whatever you have accomplished for yourself will define you as an adult, which can override hindrances like being locked in a boring or fast-paced place. Once you have reached the borderline of independence, unless you are heavily disfigured, the physical aspect is not so much an issue. You will interact socially for a while, you will emit a personality. How you handle yourself will certainly affect how you can attract anything.

 

[Ticklerguy4u]

In contrast in my area it's the same people every day of every week, because there's only one pub.

Same here. Although the area I live in is much bigger. I moved here 12 years ago and it always amazes me how many times a person I know...knows someone I know...that knows someone they know.

 

[Mane'o]

Self esteem comes from the inside. External factors like where one lives may have some impact on that internal assessment of self but is not the major and by no means the only influence.

 

[Bohemianne]

Self esteem comes from the inside. External factors like where one lives may have some impact on that internal assessment of self but is not the major and by no means the only influence.

Yes.

 

[kopfhorer]

... The people in my area have a very narrow-minded view of the world, and this tiny area is all some of them will ever know of the world; I know one guy who has never left the county, and he's fast approaching his 60's.

I cannot fathom never leaving my home town.

Anyway, mindful of what others here have said about location and self-esteem, I definitely sympathize with your frustration, isolation and paranoia.