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Don't ever argue with Kate!, pt. 1

drama1

Registered User
Joined
Mar 13, 2009
Messages
5
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Comment, please!
---

That argument with Kate was unnecessary. I knew it right after it started but well, it already happened. There's nothing I could do about it but try to forget. But it wasn't that easy - Kate was my best friend and I guess I really hurt her. I left her crying and I slammed the door. Maybe I was a little too harsh? But we're still friends and such arguments happen in friendship, don't they? Friends often fight each other but they remain friends, don't they? Don't they..?
That was a few days ago. Kate remained silent at first but slowly started to talk with me. I told her that I was sorry for what happened, she said 'It's OK' so I guess it was OK... until that Thursday. Kate left school a little earlier than usual. She said that she had some things to do so she can't stay with us. I spent some time with my other friends (not as good as Kate, but still they're my friends) but it was getting dark so at last I left.

I don't like going back home when it's already dark. I live in the suburbs, where no buses go. I mean - they go but I still have about a mile from the last bus stop to my house and when it's dark, it can be really scary. So - I don't really like going back home when it's dark. Today it definitely was dark and the bus was a little late. I was about halfway when - out of nowhere - something hit me so hard that I fell. Falling on concrete pavement is not nice feeling. Before I were back on my feet, somebody pinned me and gagged with some smelly handkerchief. I fell fast asleep.

I woke up in cold room, very cold. I was lying only in my underwear, stretched on some kind of... rack? so hard that my arms already hurt a little. My feet were immobilized in something I took for wooden stocks with every single toe spread just a little bit and tied back to it. I don't know where it was and whether it was still night or already morning because I was blindfolded with some black material. The only thing I knew was - it was very cold in there and I was scared to death.

When I was a little younger I fantasized about being kidnapped, held hostage and/or raped, but when you really are in that kind of situation, you regret each and every thought of it. There's nothing funny in being held somewhere by somebody, not knowing where, by who or why, when you don't want this. There's nothing funny in being blindfolded, hearing door open and then somebody comes in and says 'look at this, what a cute little bitch'. My skin already tingled so I really didn't need any more teasing. But that wasn't my decision.

I was way too afraid to ask where I was. I lay as silent as I could but when it all started, I couldn't remain silent anymore.
Everybody knows I'm deadly ticklish and everybody knows I really hate it. Nobody has ever tickled me really good - it was only rib poking and so on but even then, I gave them a look that meant 'you fucking touch me, I will rip you apart'. They poked me once, I jumped, shrieked, gave them that look and it was done. Tickling Magda - NOT allowed! So well - except poking my ribs, nobody ever tickled me or at least I don't remember it so I didn't even know where and how much ticklish I was.
So when that guy who called me a bitch came closer to my feet and slowly slided his fingers down my soles, I thought I'll explode. Obviously I couldn't jump so I just shrieked and tried to move away my feet. Of course, that wouldn't happen. Then he did it again and again and soon he was scratching my both soles with all ten fingers.
'MAHAHAHAHAHA GAHAHAHAHAD, STAHAHAHAP!', I yelled, twisting and squirming on that rack (and I was tied really well so I couldn't move very much). Tickling made me feel a little bit warmer but still it was freezing and I didn't really want to feel warm at this cost.
'Oh, miss bitch is a little ticklish?', he asked, still running his fingers up and down my feet. I would tell him something but it tickled me so much that I couldn't say anything but laugh. He realized that I had a very tender spot at the base of my heels - just where the heels end and arches start and soon he started tickling mostly that part of my feet. I still lay cursing him and tearing my throat in laughter but he remained deaf for it.
'Stop swearing, you bitch!, he yelled at me and scratched my heels harder. I never thought I can laugh that loud, really!
'BEHEHEHEHEGGING YOUHUHUHU, STAHAHAHAP!', I could only reply. I don't know how much time passed but my stomach already hurt me from all this laughter. I stopped feeling cold on most of my body - in addition, I started sweating a little. Then he stopped. I was gasping for air, my cheeks were all hot and I thought I'll break down and cry if it lasted a little more but he stopped.
'I tell you what', he said. 'You have, let's say, two minute break but there's a price and I name it. You take it?'
I lingered as long as I could before giving him an answer - too long because soon I felt him tickling my feet again. It was just a few seconds of his fingernails sliding up and down my arches before I made up my mind.
'HAHAHA OK OK I TAHAHAHAKE IT!', I yelled but he didn't stop! He went back to my heels' bases and scratched them for a good minute or two before he left me gasping for air again.
'Next time I won't be so nice!', he told me. 'Two minutes.'
After that time he just took my bra off. I felt a little embarassed. Nobody has ever seen me WITH just a bra and now some... some jerk is going to see me even WITHOUT it! I wasn't sure if my cheeks were more red from tickling or from embarassment right then.

Luckily he left my feet for now but I couldn't be so happy because soon after I felt him pinning my hips to the rack. All my vulnerable (I guessed) upperbody was now naked, fully exposed and almost totally immobilized. He took full advantage of it, placing his fingers on my ribs and pits, then he started tickling. I bursted in laughter again, trying to throw him off but he was much heavier and stronger than me. He already had a boner, I felt it really good! He slided his fingers down my ribs and the lower he got, the louder I laughed. The lowers ribs was my another weak spot. Luckily, my belly wasn't that ticklish so I faked a little when he got there, just to catch some breath. That didn't take long though - I was pretty bad at faking so soon he realized it and came back to my ribs.
'You like it, huh?', he asked. 'You like it, you bitch?!'
Then he started poking my each and every rib a couple of times. I laughed and tried to throw my hips but I couldn't! My stomach hurt a little more and I just laughed and laughed. I really hated that poking but at least it was a thousand times better than being tickled on my feet! I was laughing so loud and I didn't realize that he was poking farther and farther from my sides... and suddenly I almost screamed. He, that jerk, touched my breasts!
'You... you fuc...', I wanted to yell at him but I didn't have enough time.
He just started tickling my nipples with his fingertips and it was a feeling I've never ever felt. Poking my ribs, scratching my heels, that was nothing! When he slided his fingers on my tender nipples - the spot that nobody ever touched - I thought I'd die there, on that rack. And then he moved up and down my breasts and every time he just HAD to tickle those nipples. And every time he did, I bursted in the loudest laughter I ever laughed. It still was very cold in that room and I still felt some kind of cold breeze on my body but I was squirming and sweating more and more. I guess my face was all red now (for sure it was all hot!) and I almost cried as he tickled my naked breasts. I guess he noticed how hard it was for me because he stopped for a very short moment but soon after he started again, now harder, faster and more intense. My arms were hurting, my stomach was hurting, my nipples were all stiff, tickled like hell and I felt first tears running down my face. I had enough.
'STAHAHAHAP I BEHEHEHEG YOHOHOHOHOHOU! BREHEHEHEHEHEAK!', I yelled, trying to catch a breath. I just wanted this to stop! He stopped almost immidiately.
'Two minutes. You know the rules.', he replied and left me in this room alone for long two minutes.
 
Comments:

o Needs tag (m/f)

o Needs blank lines between all the paragraphs, not just some of them.

o Are you in the UK? You are using UK-style quote-marks.

o It would help if you got into the kidnapping and tickling a bit more quickly, given how short this part is. (If you can. I know it's hard, and I often carry on openings for a long time myself.)

o Giving the protagonist's name earlier would help too. E.g. have Kate say "It's OK, Magda" up in the second paragraph.

o You're doing first-person pretty well. I'll give my usual advice to try recasting this story in third-person to see if it needs to be in first, but in this case I won't push the idea all that hard.

o I don't like the way the tickler is a bastard who calls the protagonist "bitch," but that's a personal preference.

o The protagonist isn't asking why she's being tickled. This strikes me as unnatural - unbelievable. She might not ask if she had jumped to the conclusion, in her thoughts, that this was Kate's revenge, but she doesn't do that, either. Maybe you're forgetting that Magda doesn't know everything that you, the author, knows.

o The above should all be taken as minor critiques. The story needs a "polishing" pass, but you have good story-instincts. Carry on!
 
o Are you in the UK? You are using UK-style quote-marks.
I'm not from any English-spoken country. The only English-like quote marks I know is the ones I use - how do US-style quote marks look like?

o You're doing first-person pretty well. I'll give my usual advice to try recasting this story in third-person to see if it needs to be in first, but in this case I won't push the idea all that hard.

o The protagonist isn't asking why she's being tickled. This strikes me as unnatural - unbelievable. She might not ask if she had jumped to the conclusion, in her thoughts, that this was Kate's revenge, but she doesn't do that, either. Maybe you're forgetting that Magda doesn't know everything that you, the author, knows.
The story could be easily written in third-person but I chose the first-one on purpose because I know that it's much harder and I wanted to see if I can cope with that. Of course I know Magda isn't omnipotent and I try to remember about it.

Thanks for the comment, it helped me a lot I guess.
 
US-style uses double quotes, and then single quotes for the second level:

"I don't like it," he said. "She kept saying 'It tickles! Please stop!' but I think she enjoys it."

UK-style is the other way around:

'I don't like it,' he said. 'She kept saying "It tickles! Please stop!" but I think she enjoys it.'

Actually I'm given to understand that lots of people in the UK use the double-quotes style. But I think of single quotes as the "UK style" mostly because Tolkien used them in LOTR.
 
The two styles are used interchangably in the UK, without distinction. Double-quotation is the de-facto standard in North America, though, for top-level dialogue. The simple truth is that there is no correct or incorrect way, as long as they remain consistent throughout a document.

Using single-quotes on top-level dialogue is an older method, and has been steadily dying off - and rightly so - since around the 1880s. The Oxford Dictionary and Style Guide used double-quote for top-level and that has set the tone ever since. North America started much earlier, mostly as one of the ways that the colonists chose to differentiate themselves from the British Isles.

So ends the linguistic history lesson.

And the tag it needs is android/wizard/megashark just because it's fucking hilarious and tags make me giggle.
 
I love the story, the only problem I had with it was that I couldn't tell whether the person being tickled was a guy or a girl until a bra being taken off was mentioned, please try and clarify this, other than that great story
 
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