Flatfoot
2nd Level Orange Feather
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2001
- Messages
- 2,479
- Points
- 38
For my 600th post, I thought that I'd share something I figure a good portion of us may be able to relate to with the recent weather. I hope you guys find it as amusing as I did. Of course, I'm easily amused... 
The Eight Days of Snow
Day 1: 5:00 p.m. It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot-buttered rums and sat by the picture window watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful.
Day 2: We woke up to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub was covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it. Did both our sidewalk and our driveway. Later, a city snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled again.
Day 3: It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature has dropped to around 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs broke off due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now an ugly, brownish-gray.
Day 4: Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought new snow tires for both cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway. Went to a chiropractor, and paid $145, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.
Day 5: Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4 x 4 in order to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway and did $2200 worth of damage to the right rear quarter panel. Had another 8 inches of the white sh*t last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me today. That G*dd*** snowplow came by twice today.
Day 6: 2 degrees outside today. More f*cking snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned our house down. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered second degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. Car slid on the ice on the way to the emergency room and was totaled.
Day 7: G*dd*** mother-f***ing sh*t keeps on coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the f***ing mailbox. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives the snowplow, I'll chew his chest open and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then comes down the street about 100 mph and buries our driveway again. Power still off. Toilet froze and part of our roof has started to cave in.
Day 8: 6 G*dd*** more f***in' inches of f***in' snow and f***in' sleet and f***in' ice and God knows what other kind of f***in' white sh*t fell last night. I wounded the f***in' snowplow asshole with an ice ax, but he got away. Wife left me, car won't start. I think I'm going snow-blind. I can't move my toes, haven't seen the sun in weeks, more snow predicted. Wind chill is 22 f***in' degrees below 0. Screw this, I'm moving back to Florida!
The Eight Days of Snow
Day 1: 5:00 p.m. It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot-buttered rums and sat by the picture window watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful.
Day 2: We woke up to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub was covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it. Did both our sidewalk and our driveway. Later, a city snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled again.
Day 3: It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature has dropped to around 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs broke off due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now an ugly, brownish-gray.
Day 4: Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought new snow tires for both cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway. Went to a chiropractor, and paid $145, but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.
Day 5: Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4 x 4 in order to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway and did $2200 worth of damage to the right rear quarter panel. Had another 8 inches of the white sh*t last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me today. That G*dd*** snowplow came by twice today.
Day 6: 2 degrees outside today. More f*cking snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned our house down. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered second degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. Car slid on the ice on the way to the emergency room and was totaled.
Day 7: G*dd*** mother-f***ing sh*t keeps on coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the f***ing mailbox. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives the snowplow, I'll chew his chest open and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then comes down the street about 100 mph and buries our driveway again. Power still off. Toilet froze and part of our roof has started to cave in.
Day 8: 6 G*dd*** more f***in' inches of f***in' snow and f***in' sleet and f***in' ice and God knows what other kind of f***in' white sh*t fell last night. I wounded the f***in' snowplow asshole with an ice ax, but he got away. Wife left me, car won't start. I think I'm going snow-blind. I can't move my toes, haven't seen the sun in weeks, more snow predicted. Wind chill is 22 f***in' degrees below 0. Screw this, I'm moving back to Florida!
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