sole seeker
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This amusing tale is supposed to be a true story, written by a retired dentist. For what it's worth, I'd say it's a little more likely than some of the tales related in the True Stories Forum...
We have the standard 6-foot fence in the backyard. A few months ago I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically throughout the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key. The more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart brand 6-hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, so I could throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the back portion of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton motor rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and that piece-of-shit lawnmower were fighting over which would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM-BAM-BAM!, you just crap your pants 3 times.
It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8-thousand RPM.
At this point it seems I'm about 30 minutes into holding onto the fence wire. (In reality, it was maybe 2 seconds.) My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those piece-of-shit chargers that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8-foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Arkansas-Louisiana-Texas river bottom soil.
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.
Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough idle and remains there. It crosses my mind that I just filled up the fuel tank… so this is shaping up to be a long afternoon.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up lying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average but now they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4. (I still don't understand this!)
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. The bright side to this incident is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THIS gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
We have the standard 6-foot fence in the backyard. A few months ago I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically throughout the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key. The more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart brand 6-hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, so I could throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the back portion of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton motor rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and that piece-of-shit lawnmower were fighting over which would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM-BAM-BAM!, you just crap your pants 3 times.
It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8-thousand RPM.
At this point it seems I'm about 30 minutes into holding onto the fence wire. (In reality, it was maybe 2 seconds.) My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those piece-of-shit chargers that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8-foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Arkansas-Louisiana-Texas river bottom soil.
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.
Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough idle and remains there. It crosses my mind that I just filled up the fuel tank… so this is shaping up to be a long afternoon.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up lying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average but now they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4. (I still don't understand this!)
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. The bright side to this incident is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THIS gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
