Forgiveness: lighten your load or recipe for suckers

[Blackrook]

How do you view or how have you used forgiveness in your life? I have recently run across two groups of thinking on this issue (mutually exclusive, but not exhaustive of views on the subject) that I would like to present and get your reaction to. I have mixed feelings myself as I lean more toward the first view, but can't completely dismiss the second (though I would like to).

Forgiveness, View #1

Forgiveness means letting go. It does not mean you approve of a wrong done to you or that you want it to happen again. It simply means you do not want the added burden of carrying anger, hurt, or vengence with you throughout your life. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. You do not forget what happened, rather you manage your emotions and let go of the past. You learn what you can and move on. Forgiveness also has special meaning in many faiths where it has been used as an element of spiritual renewal and purity. In short, forgiveness is lightening your load. You are not weighed down with extra emotional baggage. This makes you more free to explore new relationships and love without hindrences.

Forgiveness, View # 2

Forgiveness is for suckers. Forgiveness is not as revisionists make it "letting go". It means letting your transgressor go. Someone has wronged you and you are letting them off the hook. Forgiveness is nothing more. If you have been wronged, let them apologize and make reparations. Nothing else will satisfy justice except for punishing them for their transgression. One not be bitter and angry to withhold forgiveness. This is a fallacy. Meditate, run, do whatever you have to. You can be calm and peaceful. But do not forgive! Forgiving is letting the bastard off the hook. You are washing your hands and abdicating your responsibility to hold the bastard accountable for his transgression.

Please note, I am well aware that these two "views" may well be strawmen that fall easily. They represent two strongly held but opposite positions of some friends of mine. Since I respect your opinions, I would like your views/experience regarding forgiveness. As I said above, I am closer to #1 than #2, but can't completely dismiss #2 which is what is bugging me.

Rook

 

[TicklingDuo]

Excellent thread Rook! I think it applies just as much to personal relationships as it does to legal matters (as implied in #2). I'd like to address my comments to the personal, since that's where most of us deal with it on a day to day basis.

I actually take part of both views myself...though much more #1 than #2. I believe that we need to forgive others...for our own sake as much as theirs. It takes far too much energy to hold grudges. They can become the central focus of our lives and be very destructive to us. But, at the same time, that doesn't mean letting people get away with things.

We're told in Scripture to turn the other cheek. Many take this to mean that we should just let people do as they like and do nothing about it. In fact, what it's talking about is not taking things so much to heart that we are unable to let go of them. It means to be free to forgive.

BUT! That doesn't mean that the person doesn't need to make good for what they've done. We need to forgive. But, we're also called upon to offer fraternal correction...to present (in love) the wrong that was done and ask for repentance. We need to give them every opportunity and to exercise tough love where necessary. Sometimes, we need to remove ourselves from the situation for a time and then return to it. That time can give them a chance to reflect on things. It can also give us a chance to settle down a bit if the situation has become heated. But, we can't take on responsibility for whether or not they change. What they do is up to them.

Yes, sometimes a form of punishment is necessary. I think the problem is that many see the two as mutually exclusive. They really aren't. It's like the whole repentance vs. remorse thing. When it's ourself that's at fault, we can do one of two things. We can repent...apologize, make whatever restitution is necessary and work towards change. Or we can be remorseful...beat ourselves up over things while never doing anything to change. The former leads to growth and wisdom. The second leads to harm and despair.

We are well within our rights to ask another to repent. But, even if they don't, our refusing to forgive them is just as destructive to us as if we ourselves were remorseful. It gives the very person we're angry with a foothold and control in our life. Often, it simply takes time and distance for a person to come to realize what they've done and accept responsibility for it.

Bottom line...? Take the situation to the person. Call them to task in love. Ask for repentance. Pull back if necessary. Allow them to decide. If the final answer is no, simply walk away.

Just my take on the matter.

Ann

 

[Limeoutsider]

Usually I get mad and say I'm not going to forgive the person or let it go, but I always wind up forgiving the person.

 

[Haltickling]

Like Ann, I don't think those two really contradict each other. Anger, fury, desire of vengeance, are the first strong emotions (and very natural ones) when you find that you've been cheated or harmed. But after a little while, you will cool off eventually.

If the evildoer gives you the feeling of real repentance, you should be able to forgive him, sooner or later. At least I can't withstand a true "sorry" very long.

The problematic point is when you can't forgive him because your loss was too big, or because he shows no remorse whatsoever. Then comes the point for yourself to decide: Is he really worth poisoning your emotions with painful unforgiving thoughts, or are you able to let loose and account it as another strike of fate?

So most people will go through phase 2 and arrive at phase 1. A few will never be able to reach the peaceful phase, and all I can do is to pity them.

 

[sole seeker]

For the most part I don't believe in carrying grudges, they're too heavy. Seriously, who is hurt if I have bad feelings toward someone? Me! Not them, they don't give a damn what I think or they wouldn't have screwed me over in the first place. If they do care it's because they wanted to hurt me, and I'll be hanged if I'll give 'em the satisfaction!

Having said that, if I think they meant the harm that was done to me, I keep my guard up so they can't do an encore. (Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.)

I used to be all about revenge. Twenty years ago I bought a book with a hundred things to do to someone you didn't like. At that time I had a close friend and co-worker who knifed me in the back big-time. I had a GREAT time trying out half a dozen of those paybacks on him. One of the best ones (the one that really destroyed his self confidence and sent him into paranoia big time) was that whenever I ran into him I'd just look him in the eye and laugh (the harder and longer the better!) As the weeks went by it got easier and easier to do. This guy went almost nuts wondering what I had done to him that I knew about and he didn't.

One of the best things about this is that I was looking him in the eye while I was screwing with him, whereas he took the first shot and that was behind my back. In my mind it gave me the "moral high-ground"!

 

[qjakal]

To forgive may be divine...

But I'm not interested in divinity, so I work various versions of your #2 scenario. It's just my nature. An overdeveloped sense of "justice" has led me to battle many bullies, either physically or emotionally. Seems to be ingrained in my basic personality...I just see red and hurl myself in, stubbornly obtuse at times, but unable to stop my actions with any rationalizations. Once an individuals true colors are known to me, I never trust them to NOT act in the same fashion once again. The old parable about the snake crossing the river on the back of another animal rings true today. Individuals don't really change their basic identity, at best they learn to modify or disguise it. A wife/woman/child/animal abuser is JUST that...a sick specimen of that needs to be isolated and watched carefully at the very least.

If you're talking about the hungry kid stealing bread from the bakers, then forgive away, I'm with you on that, but to dredge up the content of an old thread, when you see "true evil", don't condone it or attempt to forgive it, because you merely encourage and strengthen it through your inaction.

I think you need about a dozen more "#'s" in your choices, but it's a good topic! Q

 

[Texas_Tickle]

We're told in Scripture to turn the other cheek. Many take this to mean that we should just let people do as they like and do nothing about it. In fact, what it's talking about is not taking things so much to heart that we are unable to let go of them. It means to be free to forgive.


Ann

I know that as a Christian it is wrong to feel this way, and I know that as a Christian I am supposed to be able to "forgive and forget", but in my mind, it's not as easy as that.

I know it's wrong, but it's the way I feel and cannot help it. Am I supposed to " forgive and forget" if somebody kills my best friend? God tells me I am, but in my mind, I cannot.

When I forgive somebody who has caused grevious hurt to me, in my mind it feels as if I am validating their actions as "ok".

I know what the Scriptures say, but in my mind, it's not as easy. It's not black-and-white.

 

[Blackrook]

thanks for your feedback, it's helpful

I'm still leaning toward forgiving others and myself. Part of this is acknowledging old mistakes and letting go. But, if I am to do that with myself, I feel obligated to do it towards others. Not as easy. But, helpful.