Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]The difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral: at the funeral, one less person is drinking.
A traffic cop clocks a hippy going 60 in a residential zone and pulls him over. When the kid rolls down his van window, clouds of marijuana smoke pour out.
“You just blew through six stop signs!” the patrolman rages. “How high are you?”
“No no no!” the hippy scolds. “It’s ‘Hi, how are you’, man! You really shouldn’t drive when you’re stoned!”
How do you describe an Amish girl’s sex life?
Too Mennonite.
I just passed a huge snake in the hallway. A good thing, too... it never would have fit down the toilet.
“Bernie Sanders has just become one of the 2020 Democratic Presidential candidates.”
“So... that makes him number 2,021, right?”
No wonder R. Kelly is broke... he pissed all his money away.
R. Kelly pickup line: “Urine for a treat!”
My pregnant wife wants to have a small window installed in her navel. She’d like our child to have a womb with a view.
First ice-climber: “Keep an eye on that frozen spire hanging up above! If it falls, it’ll carry us both to our deaths!”
Second ice-climber: “Don’t worry. I know how to steer a bicicle.”
“How do I choose the tastiest fruit from a lime tree?”
“Pick the bottom-most. They’re sub lime!”
He: “I don’t have to exercise! I’m in shape!”
She: “Well, I can’t argue with that. Oblong is definitely a shape.”
My parents taught me never to run from my problems. That’s why I currently weigh 400 pounds.
18 year old: “Dad, today I become an adult!”
Dad: “Great! I’m takin’ you to the strip club tonight!”
18 year old: “Awww, Dad. I already told you I don’t wanna go into that place.”
Dad: “And I told you: someone around here’s gotta work, young lady!”
My grandpa must have been the all-time champ at a game called Russian roulette. I hear he only ever lost once.
Sprinters don’t eat a single thing before big track meets. They fast.
I may be one of the few people who still wears I timepiece on his wrist. And I nearly lost it when it slipped off during a raucous party. There it was, lying on the floor, right between a cowed young girl and some nasty, berating drunk. Let me tell you, I had no problem at all kicking that big jerk out so I could retrieve my property. ‘Cause no one gets away with that kind of behavior... not on my watch.
Casper the Ghost was totally shocked that no one ever wanted to be his friend. Guess you could say he was really a ghast.
Casper the Ghost went back to his old classroom to try to make some friends and was eventually captured by a ghostbuster who secured him in a mason jar. The ghostbuster left the jar at the principal’s office so that students could display it around the neighborhood. He was eager for the kids to show a little school spirit.
If Farmer-A sells tomatoes and Farmer-B sells peaches, what does Farmer-C sell?
Drugs.
Teacher: “Little Johnny, give me an example of a bird that has wings but can’t fly.”
Johnny: “Our pet parakeet, Crackers.”
Teacher: “But a parakeet can fly,”
Johnny: “Not Crackers. He’s been dead for two years.”
Teacher: “This weird thing has wings and sucks blood. Who here knows what it’s called?”
Johnny: “I do: a 36 pack of Always Ultra.”
Our 6th grade teacher always hands out As and Bs to her students. Some say she’s super good at her job, but I think she just doesn’t give an F.[/FONT]
* * *
A traffic cop clocks a hippy going 60 in a residential zone and pulls him over. When the kid rolls down his van window, clouds of marijuana smoke pour out.
“You just blew through six stop signs!” the patrolman rages. “How high are you?”
“No no no!” the hippy scolds. “It’s ‘Hi, how are you’, man! You really shouldn’t drive when you’re stoned!”
* * *
How do you describe an Amish girl’s sex life?
Too Mennonite.
* * *
I just passed a huge snake in the hallway. A good thing, too... it never would have fit down the toilet.
* * *
“Bernie Sanders has just become one of the 2020 Democratic Presidential candidates.”
“So... that makes him number 2,021, right?”
* * *
No wonder R. Kelly is broke... he pissed all his money away.
* * *
R. Kelly pickup line: “Urine for a treat!”
* * *
My pregnant wife wants to have a small window installed in her navel. She’d like our child to have a womb with a view.
* * *
First ice-climber: “Keep an eye on that frozen spire hanging up above! If it falls, it’ll carry us both to our deaths!”
Second ice-climber: “Don’t worry. I know how to steer a bicicle.”
* * *
“How do I choose the tastiest fruit from a lime tree?”
“Pick the bottom-most. They’re sub lime!”
* * *
He: “I don’t have to exercise! I’m in shape!”
She: “Well, I can’t argue with that. Oblong is definitely a shape.”
* * *
My parents taught me never to run from my problems. That’s why I currently weigh 400 pounds.
* * *
18 year old: “Dad, today I become an adult!”
Dad: “Great! I’m takin’ you to the strip club tonight!”
18 year old: “Awww, Dad. I already told you I don’t wanna go into that place.”
Dad: “And I told you: someone around here’s gotta work, young lady!”
* * *
My grandpa must have been the all-time champ at a game called Russian roulette. I hear he only ever lost once.
* * *
Sprinters don’t eat a single thing before big track meets. They fast.
* * *
I may be one of the few people who still wears I timepiece on his wrist. And I nearly lost it when it slipped off during a raucous party. There it was, lying on the floor, right between a cowed young girl and some nasty, berating drunk. Let me tell you, I had no problem at all kicking that big jerk out so I could retrieve my property. ‘Cause no one gets away with that kind of behavior... not on my watch.
* * *
Casper the Ghost was totally shocked that no one ever wanted to be his friend. Guess you could say he was really a ghast.
* * *
Casper the Ghost went back to his old classroom to try to make some friends and was eventually captured by a ghostbuster who secured him in a mason jar. The ghostbuster left the jar at the principal’s office so that students could display it around the neighborhood. He was eager for the kids to show a little school spirit.
* * *
If Farmer-A sells tomatoes and Farmer-B sells peaches, what does Farmer-C sell?
Drugs.
* * *
Teacher: “Little Johnny, give me an example of a bird that has wings but can’t fly.”
Johnny: “Our pet parakeet, Crackers.”
Teacher: “But a parakeet can fly,”
Johnny: “Not Crackers. He’s been dead for two years.”
* * *
Teacher: “This weird thing has wings and sucks blood. Who here knows what it’s called?”
Johnny: “I do: a 36 pack of Always Ultra.”
* * *
Our 6th grade teacher always hands out As and Bs to her students. Some say she’s super good at her job, but I think she just doesn’t give an F.[/FONT]
