Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]Who here understands Roman numerals? I for one.
Cody Parkey has a lot to try to forget after missing that field goal in the last seconds of the Bears/Eagles playoff game. I suppose he’ll go out and hit a few bars.
Some thief broke into my house and stole my bathroom scale. Joke’s on him... it’s broken. He’s never going to get a weigh with it.
How do the Dutch greet each other?
Through their tulips.
I’m currently banging a pair of blondes. It’s rough on their heads, but it’s the only way I can get their attention.
Petco clerk: “What can I do for you today ma’am?”
Blonde: “I’d like some bird seed, please.”
Petco clerk: “Sure ma’am, we have many varieties. What kind of bird do you have?”
Blonde: “None, silly! I haven’t planted the seeds yet!”
Two fools sit on a fence. One of them is four feet tall; the other is six feet tall. Which one falls off first?
The six foot fool. The other is a little moron.
When I was young, I never had much of a problem with all that sex on the TV. Not now, though... these narrow flatscreens make it hard to stay balanced.
Waiter: “Pardon me, sir. We have No Smoking rules in this restaurant.”
Patron: “Glad to hear it! I was dying for a cigar!”
The realization that with each full moon you will turn feral, grow long hair and fangs, then charge out into the night in search of human prey is intolerable... the curse of being aware wolf.
After a tough economic stretch, I can report that I’m now back on my feet. The finance company just took away my car.
“I hear you’ve come out of the closet.”
“Damn straight!”
“Well, did you or didn’t you?”
History tells us that the Imperial Japanese Army acted abominably in China, but I have my doubts. From what I hear, all those soldiers ever did was comfort women.
Why am I taking an origami class? The answer is twofold...
When this creature relaxes on its back, it’s one thousand feet in the air. What is it?
A millipede.
Charity worker: “Sir, would you consider taking part in our marathon? It’s for disabled children.”
Man in the street: “You bet I will! There’s a race I might actually win!”
In Canada, being kicked by a bull moose is considered a terrorist attack. Curse those moose limbs!
Invest in mirrors; you’ll double your money instantly!
Astronomers tell us they want to cut down on light pollution. Dang it, how is heavy pollution gonna make viewing conditions any better?
Trump’s wall will be useless unless it extends across the Gulf of Mexico. Everyone knows that Jesus can walk on water.
Maternity doctor: “Here’s your new son, Mr. Smith. But... I’m distressed to have to tell you that your wife didn’t make it.”
New father: “Well damn it, get back in there and find the one she did make!”
I’ve heard an alternate version of the Garden of Eden in which Eve was created first. She originally had three breasts; God saw that the middle one served no purpose, so he removed it. Now what was God supposed to do with a useless boob? Well, that’s where Adam enters the story...[/FONT]
* * *
Cody Parkey has a lot to try to forget after missing that field goal in the last seconds of the Bears/Eagles playoff game. I suppose he’ll go out and hit a few bars.
* * *
Some thief broke into my house and stole my bathroom scale. Joke’s on him... it’s broken. He’s never going to get a weigh with it.
* * *
How do the Dutch greet each other?
Through their tulips.
* * *
I’m currently banging a pair of blondes. It’s rough on their heads, but it’s the only way I can get their attention.
* * *
Petco clerk: “What can I do for you today ma’am?”
Blonde: “I’d like some bird seed, please.”
Petco clerk: “Sure ma’am, we have many varieties. What kind of bird do you have?”
Blonde: “None, silly! I haven’t planted the seeds yet!”
* * *
Two fools sit on a fence. One of them is four feet tall; the other is six feet tall. Which one falls off first?
The six foot fool. The other is a little moron.
* * *
When I was young, I never had much of a problem with all that sex on the TV. Not now, though... these narrow flatscreens make it hard to stay balanced.
* * *
Waiter: “Pardon me, sir. We have No Smoking rules in this restaurant.”
Patron: “Glad to hear it! I was dying for a cigar!”
* * *
The realization that with each full moon you will turn feral, grow long hair and fangs, then charge out into the night in search of human prey is intolerable... the curse of being aware wolf.
* * *
After a tough economic stretch, I can report that I’m now back on my feet. The finance company just took away my car.
* * *
“I hear you’ve come out of the closet.”
“Damn straight!”
“Well, did you or didn’t you?”
* * *
History tells us that the Imperial Japanese Army acted abominably in China, but I have my doubts. From what I hear, all those soldiers ever did was comfort women.
* * *
Why am I taking an origami class? The answer is twofold...
* * *
When this creature relaxes on its back, it’s one thousand feet in the air. What is it?
A millipede.
* * *
Charity worker: “Sir, would you consider taking part in our marathon? It’s for disabled children.”
Man in the street: “You bet I will! There’s a race I might actually win!”
* * *
In Canada, being kicked by a bull moose is considered a terrorist attack. Curse those moose limbs!
* * *
Invest in mirrors; you’ll double your money instantly!
* * *
Astronomers tell us they want to cut down on light pollution. Dang it, how is heavy pollution gonna make viewing conditions any better?
* * *
Trump’s wall will be useless unless it extends across the Gulf of Mexico. Everyone knows that Jesus can walk on water.
* * *
Maternity doctor: “Here’s your new son, Mr. Smith. But... I’m distressed to have to tell you that your wife didn’t make it.”
New father: “Well damn it, get back in there and find the one she did make!”
* * *
I’ve heard an alternate version of the Garden of Eden in which Eve was created first. She originally had three breasts; God saw that the middle one served no purpose, so he removed it. Now what was God supposed to do with a useless boob? Well, that’s where Adam enters the story...[/FONT]
