Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
Little Bo Peep may have lost her sheep in August, but at least Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
Both my wife and I have foot fetishes. She's my solemate.
Hear about the baby frog whose foster parents were hares? He spent his whole life croaking, " ... rabbit... rabbit... "
When I went on a Caribbean cruise I figured it would improve my mental outlook, but the weather turned out to be terrible. Just what I wasn't hoping for: a tropical depression.
Arnold Schwarzenegger works as an actor, but for awhile there in the early 2000s he had a different job. Some called him Governor of California, but I chose to think of him as an exterminator.
My cousin builds tiny little remote-control airplanes. These things are incredibly small, about half the size of fruit flies. He thinks there could be a big market for them, but I just can't see them taking off.
"How do you wipe your butt in the bathroom?"
"I use my right hand."
"How unsanitary! You really ought to use toilet paper."
History tells us that J. R. R. Tolkien was married. I don't see how that can be true when he made such a good batch o' lore.
My terminally ill uncle, the practical joker, swallowed a whole bag of popcorn kernels before he passed away. He wanted one last big laugh for at the folks who run the crematorium.
If you should lock yourself out of your car, don't panic. Just speak to it calmly and rationally. Remember: communication is the key.
The Chinese calendar says that 2020 is the year of the Rat. Damn it! I'm still writing Pig on all my checks!
Q: What do gang members eat for breakfast?
A: Rice Cripsies.
For my role in a community theater production, I'm supposed to play a Spanish gentleman. The director told me to go home and practice rolling my "r"s. Well, it isn't easy perfecting that accent. My wife's been mocking me the whole time; she's been constantly rolling her "i"s.
Dad: "Is is true you were expelled from school today?!"
Son: "Hey, you should be proud a' me! You always said it was good to take a stand on principal!"
My wife used to gripe that my underwear wasn't exciting enough, so I bought some with zebra stripes and leopard spots. Now she complains it's too gamey.
Q: Do football receivers feel happy or sad after big wins?
A: Sad. During the game, they generally get a touch down.
My dad just doesn't understand how the modern world works. When I told him it was time to reboot his computer, he immediately took it to Famous Footwear.
The scientific community hasn't found a solution for the climate crisis yet, but it's definitely getting warmer.
My wife's making chicken pot pie. Great! Three of my favorite things!
Did you know there isn't a single canary on the Canary Islands? Same is true for the Virgin Islands. No canaries there, either.
I bought a smoke detector for the kitchen. I did this as a courtesy to my wife... her voice has become too raspy to call me in for dinner.
* * *
Both my wife and I have foot fetishes. She's my solemate.
* * *
Hear about the baby frog whose foster parents were hares? He spent his whole life croaking, " ... rabbit... rabbit... "
* * *
When I went on a Caribbean cruise I figured it would improve my mental outlook, but the weather turned out to be terrible. Just what I wasn't hoping for: a tropical depression.
* * *
Arnold Schwarzenegger works as an actor, but for awhile there in the early 2000s he had a different job. Some called him Governor of California, but I chose to think of him as an exterminator.
* * *
My cousin builds tiny little remote-control airplanes. These things are incredibly small, about half the size of fruit flies. He thinks there could be a big market for them, but I just can't see them taking off.
* * *
"How do you wipe your butt in the bathroom?"
"I use my right hand."
"How unsanitary! You really ought to use toilet paper."
* * *
A neighborhood farmer surrounded his boundary fence with cockleburs so that any landing crows would get stuck there. This works about half the time. Good crows always fly away unscathed; it's only effective on evil crows.* * *
History tells us that J. R. R. Tolkien was married. I don't see how that can be true when he made such a good batch o' lore.
* * *
My terminally ill uncle, the practical joker, swallowed a whole bag of popcorn kernels before he passed away. He wanted one last big laugh for at the folks who run the crematorium.
* * *
If you should lock yourself out of your car, don't panic. Just speak to it calmly and rationally. Remember: communication is the key.
* * *
The Chinese calendar says that 2020 is the year of the Rat. Damn it! I'm still writing Pig on all my checks!
* * *
Q: What do gang members eat for breakfast?
A: Rice Cripsies.
* * *
For my role in a community theater production, I'm supposed to play a Spanish gentleman. The director told me to go home and practice rolling my "r"s. Well, it isn't easy perfecting that accent. My wife's been mocking me the whole time; she's been constantly rolling her "i"s.
* * *
Dad: "Is is true you were expelled from school today?!"
Son: "Hey, you should be proud a' me! You always said it was good to take a stand on principal!"
* * *
My wife used to gripe that my underwear wasn't exciting enough, so I bought some with zebra stripes and leopard spots. Now she complains it's too gamey.
* * *
Q: Do football receivers feel happy or sad after big wins?
A: Sad. During the game, they generally get a touch down.
* * *
My dad just doesn't understand how the modern world works. When I told him it was time to reboot his computer, he immediately took it to Famous Footwear.
* * *
The scientific community hasn't found a solution for the climate crisis yet, but it's definitely getting warmer.
* * *
My wife's making chicken pot pie. Great! Three of my favorite things!
* * *
Did you know there isn't a single canary on the Canary Islands? Same is true for the Virgin Islands. No canaries there, either.
* * *
I bought a smoke detector for the kitchen. I did this as a courtesy to my wife... her voice has become too raspy to call me in for dinner.
