Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
You'll find the Parkay sticks on the highest penthouse level of the refrigerator door. That's because they're a better class of groceries... well, margarinally.
As part of our ongoing COVID coverage, I was sent to interview a microbiologist. However, I looked all around his lab and didn't see him anywhere.
Two cute blondes defy warnings and go out frolicking in shark-infested water. Suddenly, one of them starts yelling and waving her arms.
"Help me!" she shrieks as she clings desperately to her inner tube. "I can't stand it! A shark just grabbed hold of my ankle and he's tickling my foot!"
"Really?" her friend replies dully. "Which one?"
"How the hell should I know!" the first girl gasps between giggles. "All those fish look the same to me!"
The fearsome mobster Lucky Luciano went out swimming in the ocean and got bitten by a shark. Even so, he didn't have the wound treated... not because he was so tough, but he had a reputation to protect. It's well known that snitches get stitches.
While traveling through Salem, I stopped at a bed and breakfast. What I didn't know was that the proprietor was witch who traded accommodations for participation in magic rituals. The sign outside should have been a tip-off: "Come on in and rest for a spell."
A Frenchman is spending his vacation at the Mojave Desert, wandering about and taking in the rugged scenery, when a grizzled old sourdough happens by.
"Yer from France, eh?" the desert rat begins, "How's about we discuss yer feet and inches?"
"Silly American!" the Frenchman sniffs. "We in Europe do not use 'feet'. We use meters... they are more efficient."
"Wal, I sure hope so," the prospector replies. " 'Cause right now, yer two meters are about six inches away from a Gila monster."
People make a big deal out of fancy, expensive meals and I just don't understand why. Once you're done eating, whether it's cheap or pricy, your guts are full of nothing but crap.
Those Tolkien novels give everyone a false impression about how primitive Sauron's war machine was. In reality, he had phone connections to hidden missile silos in every part of Middle Earth. A single call on his hot line would have them ready to launch... an unparalleled intimidation tactic to make his enemies surrender! One ring to rule them all!
I had a genealogy test done recently to confirm my national origin and was stunned to learn that my background is 70% German! So, my family doesn't come from Central America, as I'd always been told... they came from Argentina.
Never date a urologist. They're always looking out for Number One.
When I got home from work yesterday, my wife and our voluptuous next-door neighbor lady were lounging on the couch and immediately asked if I'd like to join them in a threesome. In my defense, I never would have stripped off my clothes if I'd noticed their waiting golf clubs.
"Says in this book that the Earth's surface is 70% water."
"Is it carbonated?"
"Of course not!"
"That proves it, then... the Earth is flat."
After observing my leering behavior closely for a few days, my new girlfriend hesitantly asked me if I had a foot fetish. I didn't know how she felt about it, so I gave her an answer that could be taken either way... I told her that would toe-tally suck.
If you're making lemon wedges, you can't mash the fruit. There's only one proper way to do it: Rambo style. That is to say, sliced alone.
Seems that Eastern Europe will be adopting elements of Canadian culture. Like the Ukraine... folks say it's soon going to have poutine.
A lot of businesses at our local mall aren't thriving. The House of Origami, for instance... I hear it folded.
On the other hand, the Batman villain Two-Face operates a coin collector shop and is doing so well he's holding a big sale. Everything's half-off!
Isn't the customer always supposed to be right? So why the heck did I get fired from the restaurant? That guy distinctly ordered pee soup!
General: "Men, if we're going to win this war, we have to act as a unit. That means everyone must follow orders automatically, regardless of personal safety. Remember, there's no I in TEAM, especially out on the battlefield."
Private: "That's true, sir. We never see U, either."
Military field kits are stocked with everything a soldier will need in action. One item may surprise you: a pack of condoms in camouflage colors. This may seem eccentric, but it's absolutely vital the enemy doesn't see him coming.
I hear some companies make phosphorescent condoms, causing your unit to light up like a glow stick. Considering how glow sticks get activated, I don't think I'll be buying any.
A ventriloquist is performing at a nightclub. The act is scathingly funny, with his dummy delivering a long string of blonde jokes that's slaying the whole house... all but one blonde who fumes over her drink in the corner. Finally, she's had enough; she stamps to her feet in front of everyone and hollers, "Knock off this nasty, sexist tirade! What makes you think you can judge a woman's worth and intelligence based solely on her hair color?"
The performer sighs and says, "Easy, lady, it's just a comedy act. Nobody takes it seriously-- "
"Keep quiet!" the blonde snaps. "I'm talking to that little squirt on your knee, not to you!"
* * *
As part of our ongoing COVID coverage, I was sent to interview a microbiologist. However, I looked all around his lab and didn't see him anywhere.
* * *
Two cute blondes defy warnings and go out frolicking in shark-infested water. Suddenly, one of them starts yelling and waving her arms.
"Help me!" she shrieks as she clings desperately to her inner tube. "I can't stand it! A shark just grabbed hold of my ankle and he's tickling my foot!"
"Really?" her friend replies dully. "Which one?"
"How the hell should I know!" the first girl gasps between giggles. "All those fish look the same to me!"
* * *
The fearsome mobster Lucky Luciano went out swimming in the ocean and got bitten by a shark. Even so, he didn't have the wound treated... not because he was so tough, but he had a reputation to protect. It's well known that snitches get stitches.
* * *
While traveling through Salem, I stopped at a bed and breakfast. What I didn't know was that the proprietor was witch who traded accommodations for participation in magic rituals. The sign outside should have been a tip-off: "Come on in and rest for a spell."
* * *
A Frenchman is spending his vacation at the Mojave Desert, wandering about and taking in the rugged scenery, when a grizzled old sourdough happens by.
"Yer from France, eh?" the desert rat begins, "How's about we discuss yer feet and inches?"
"Silly American!" the Frenchman sniffs. "We in Europe do not use 'feet'. We use meters... they are more efficient."
"Wal, I sure hope so," the prospector replies. " 'Cause right now, yer two meters are about six inches away from a Gila monster."
* * *
People make a big deal out of fancy, expensive meals and I just don't understand why. Once you're done eating, whether it's cheap or pricy, your guts are full of nothing but crap.
* * *
Those Tolkien novels give everyone a false impression about how primitive Sauron's war machine was. In reality, he had phone connections to hidden missile silos in every part of Middle Earth. A single call on his hot line would have them ready to launch... an unparalleled intimidation tactic to make his enemies surrender! One ring to rule them all!
* * *
I had a genealogy test done recently to confirm my national origin and was stunned to learn that my background is 70% German! So, my family doesn't come from Central America, as I'd always been told... they came from Argentina.
* * *
Never date a urologist. They're always looking out for Number One.
* * *
When I got home from work yesterday, my wife and our voluptuous next-door neighbor lady were lounging on the couch and immediately asked if I'd like to join them in a threesome. In my defense, I never would have stripped off my clothes if I'd noticed their waiting golf clubs.
* * *
"Says in this book that the Earth's surface is 70% water."
"Is it carbonated?"
"Of course not!"
"That proves it, then... the Earth is flat."
* * *
After observing my leering behavior closely for a few days, my new girlfriend hesitantly asked me if I had a foot fetish. I didn't know how she felt about it, so I gave her an answer that could be taken either way... I told her that would toe-tally suck.
* * *
If you're making lemon wedges, you can't mash the fruit. There's only one proper way to do it: Rambo style. That is to say, sliced alone.
* * *
Seems that Eastern Europe will be adopting elements of Canadian culture. Like the Ukraine... folks say it's soon going to have poutine.
* * *
A lot of businesses at our local mall aren't thriving. The House of Origami, for instance... I hear it folded.
* * *
On the other hand, the Batman villain Two-Face operates a coin collector shop and is doing so well he's holding a big sale. Everything's half-off!
* * *
Isn't the customer always supposed to be right? So why the heck did I get fired from the restaurant? That guy distinctly ordered pee soup!
* * *
General: "Men, if we're going to win this war, we have to act as a unit. That means everyone must follow orders automatically, regardless of personal safety. Remember, there's no I in TEAM, especially out on the battlefield."
Private: "That's true, sir. We never see U, either."
* * *
Military field kits are stocked with everything a soldier will need in action. One item may surprise you: a pack of condoms in camouflage colors. This may seem eccentric, but it's absolutely vital the enemy doesn't see him coming.
* * *
I hear some companies make phosphorescent condoms, causing your unit to light up like a glow stick. Considering how glow sticks get activated, I don't think I'll be buying any.
* * *
A ventriloquist is performing at a nightclub. The act is scathingly funny, with his dummy delivering a long string of blonde jokes that's slaying the whole house... all but one blonde who fumes over her drink in the corner. Finally, she's had enough; she stamps to her feet in front of everyone and hollers, "Knock off this nasty, sexist tirade! What makes you think you can judge a woman's worth and intelligence based solely on her hair color?"
The performer sighs and says, "Easy, lady, it's just a comedy act. Nobody takes it seriously-- "
"Keep quiet!" the blonde snaps. "I'm talking to that little squirt on your knee, not to you!"
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