Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
On my way to work, I saw a homeless man eating a can of baked beans.
"That's no kind of breakfast!" I scolded him. "You gotta take 'em out first!"
A professional boxer goes to a sleep specialist to treat his insomnia.
"Let's start with the basics," the doctor states. "Have you tried counting sheep?'
"Doesn't do any good," the prizefighter mourns. "Each time I get to nine, I stand up."
Too much work is done hastily... we should all learn to procrastinate. Just don't do it right now.
There's way too much procrastination in this country. I find it off-putting.
Vladimir Putin is really Joseph Stalin at heart. He'd like nothing better than to be in charge of the Soviet Reunion.
Three words you never want to hear while making love: "Honey, I'm home!"
I just heard that bad headaches can result from eating wheat gluten. No wonder they're called my-grains!
He: "You know what I'd really like to try sometime? Anal!"
She: "Fuck that shit!"
He: "Hey, glad you agree!"
After about a month of working at it, my wife let me know she's pregnant. Man, I never realized how bad her speech impediment is!
My cousin likes to hunt fish with a shotgun. I'm sad to report he's committed several school shootings.
I got a ticket today for doing 180 on the freeway. Damn it, nobody told me that U-turns weren't allowed!
Dialogue from the upcoming Warner Brothers crossover movie "Godzilla vs Kong":
Godzilla: "Save... Mothra..."
Kong: "Why did you say that name!"
My parents had me late in life, so I never got to meet any of my grandparents. They knew that would happen... it was a four gone conclusion.
She: "I tried making my own applesauce in the blender."
He: "And what's your opinion of the results?"
She: "Mixed."
The word "nonsense" is a palindrome. I never thought so, but it's true. Try spelling it front to back: esnesnon. If that's not nonsense, I don't know what is!
Blonde: "Says in this article that there's a common fruit that'll give you all the potassium you need throughout the day."
Brunette: "That's bananas."
Blonde: "Yeah. I didn't believe it either."
I can read, but I can't write. Not poetry, anyway.
Elon Musk only uses Mac to run the computers on his SpaceX capsules. He doesn't have much choice; you can't open Windows in a vacuum.
At our last family reunion, my one-armed nephew climbed into a tree and threatened to stay up there all night. Turned out it was too hard to get him down... we just waved to him.
I have a trophy wife! Well, to fair, she's a participation trophy wife.
Q: Which wild animals appeared most often on '50s TV documentaries?
A: That would be the zebras, penguins and pandas. They're the ones in black and white.
I've completely lost my sight and that can be tough on a marriage. This last Thanksgiving dinner was the worst, though. I'm a proud guy and insisted on serving myself. Everything went okay until I came to the gravy. My wife must have had enough, because she started raising a fuss, shrieking at me and calling me an idiot. Well... that's when I knew it was all over.
"That's no kind of breakfast!" I scolded him. "You gotta take 'em out first!"
* * *
A professional boxer goes to a sleep specialist to treat his insomnia.
"Let's start with the basics," the doctor states. "Have you tried counting sheep?'
"Doesn't do any good," the prizefighter mourns. "Each time I get to nine, I stand up."
* * *
Too much work is done hastily... we should all learn to procrastinate. Just don't do it right now.
* * *
There's way too much procrastination in this country. I find it off-putting.
* * *
Vladimir Putin is really Joseph Stalin at heart. He'd like nothing better than to be in charge of the Soviet Reunion.
* * *
Three words you never want to hear while making love: "Honey, I'm home!"
* * *
I just heard that bad headaches can result from eating wheat gluten. No wonder they're called my-grains!
* * *
He: "You know what I'd really like to try sometime? Anal!"
She: "Fuck that shit!"
He: "Hey, glad you agree!"
* * *
After about a month of working at it, my wife let me know she's pregnant. Man, I never realized how bad her speech impediment is!
* * *
My cousin likes to hunt fish with a shotgun. I'm sad to report he's committed several school shootings.
* * *
I got a ticket today for doing 180 on the freeway. Damn it, nobody told me that U-turns weren't allowed!
* * *
Dialogue from the upcoming Warner Brothers crossover movie "Godzilla vs Kong":
Godzilla: "Save... Mothra..."
Kong: "Why did you say that name!"
* * *
My parents had me late in life, so I never got to meet any of my grandparents. They knew that would happen... it was a four gone conclusion.
* * *
She: "I tried making my own applesauce in the blender."
He: "And what's your opinion of the results?"
She: "Mixed."
* * *
The word "nonsense" is a palindrome. I never thought so, but it's true. Try spelling it front to back: esnesnon. If that's not nonsense, I don't know what is!
* * *
Blonde: "Says in this article that there's a common fruit that'll give you all the potassium you need throughout the day."
Brunette: "That's bananas."
Blonde: "Yeah. I didn't believe it either."
* * *
I can read, but I can't write. Not poetry, anyway.
* * *
Elon Musk only uses Mac to run the computers on his SpaceX capsules. He doesn't have much choice; you can't open Windows in a vacuum.
* * *
At our last family reunion, my one-armed nephew climbed into a tree and threatened to stay up there all night. Turned out it was too hard to get him down... we just waved to him.
* * *
I have a trophy wife! Well, to fair, she's a participation trophy wife.
* * *
Q: Which wild animals appeared most often on '50s TV documentaries?
A: That would be the zebras, penguins and pandas. They're the ones in black and white.
* * *
I've completely lost my sight and that can be tough on a marriage. This last Thanksgiving dinner was the worst, though. I'm a proud guy and insisted on serving myself. Everything went okay until I came to the gravy. My wife must have had enough, because she started raising a fuss, shrieking at me and calling me an idiot. Well... that's when I knew it was all over.
