Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
I've heard it said that alcohol kills brain cells, but I have to do something about my manias. I'll take a drink over medical treatment anytime, especially when it's on the house: I'd far rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
A guy strolls into Baskin and Robbins, where a pretty young cashier waits behind the counter.
He: "Gimme a cup of mint chocolate chip, please."
She: "Sure! You wanna spoon?"
He: "Sounds good to me! What time do you get off?"
I try to live in a world where I don't see black or white. I guess that's why the CHP pulls me over so often.
Experts say that Global Warming will end us all, but I'm not so sure. The effects of heat aren't all that predictable; the same boiling water that softens up a potato will hard boil an egg.
My physics professor tells me I'm going to fail his class. That brought me up short; I spent a full 10 minutes quietly refracting.
It's recently been discovered that heat from the Mount Vesuvius eruption was so intense, it literally baked the brain of one of its victims into glass. Such a horrible fate... what an awful decision it was for him, moving to that doomed city. Bet he'd never make that mistake again... but then, he's thinking much more clearly now.
At my time of life, I feel tired all the time. I really can't complain... I've had so many good years.
Originally, the name of Hamlet's best friend was supposed to be Toby instead of Horatio. Shakespeare eventually thought better of that, but a remnant still survives in a scene where the Danish prince thinks he spots his pal on the horizon: "Toby or not Toby?"
Pet store owner: "I'm having a big promotional sale: dead parakeets!"
Shopper: "Dead parakeets?!"
Pet store owner: "Yeah, I expect to make a killing! They aren't going cheep!"
Everyone's trying to avoid the Coronavirus... everyone except Vin Diesel. After all those "Fast and Furious" movies, he figures he's been inoculated.
Brunette: "How's that history course going?"
Blonde: "Not so good. We're studying World War II."
Brunette: "So what's the hang-up?"
Blonde: "I just don't see why it's such a big deal! Our side had guns and atomic bombs; all the enemy had was axes!"
Son Goku of Dragon Ball fame once said: "I'd rather be a brainless beast than a heartless monster!" That's not exactly his motto... more like a super sayin'.
I don't think the coronavirus will last very long. After all, it's made in China.
1st caveman: "Look what I just invented! I call it a 'chair'."
2nd caveman: "Really! How do you use it?"
1st caveman: "You may want to sit down for this... "
I've been phoning around, trying to hire an S&M dominatrix for the weekend. So far, I have no idea how much exactly it will cost; all I've gotten are rough estimates.
God bless politicians! We gripe about them constantly, but no one can say they're not socially conscious. Did you know that each of them is a tissue donor? It's true! They all get rid of their spines as soon as they take office.
It was so cold outside, my ma told me to put on a wool cap and scarf. Last time I listen to her advice! I nearly froze without the rest of my clothing!
He: "Hey, babe, are the dishes in the dishwasher clean or dirty?"
She: "Well, what does it look like to you?"
He: "It looks like it's closed."
I once bought a fake Van Gogh self portrait. The style should have been a tip-off... it was ear-regular.
In 100 years, society will be so screwed up they may be tempted to thaw out all the cryogenically frozen geniuses to set things straight. Let's hope that cooler heads prevail.
A mob boss paid me to liquidate one of his rivals. I had a choice: shoot him or blow up his car. I opted to for gun... big mistake! The bullets moved so slowly that my target was able to get away. I'm in trouble now! Why oh why did I decide to use slugs?
When Jesus hosted the meal that would become the Last Supper, he left the chamber door ajar to let in a bit of fresh air. Judas noticed this and feared the approaching Roman soldiers might be spotted.
"Hey," he yelled at his boss, "what's with the open door? Were you born in a barn?"
* * *
A guy strolls into Baskin and Robbins, where a pretty young cashier waits behind the counter.
He: "Gimme a cup of mint chocolate chip, please."
She: "Sure! You wanna spoon?"
He: "Sounds good to me! What time do you get off?"
* * *
I try to live in a world where I don't see black or white. I guess that's why the CHP pulls me over so often.
* * *
Experts say that Global Warming will end us all, but I'm not so sure. The effects of heat aren't all that predictable; the same boiling water that softens up a potato will hard boil an egg.
* * *
My physics professor tells me I'm going to fail his class. That brought me up short; I spent a full 10 minutes quietly refracting.
* * *
It's recently been discovered that heat from the Mount Vesuvius eruption was so intense, it literally baked the brain of one of its victims into glass. Such a horrible fate... what an awful decision it was for him, moving to that doomed city. Bet he'd never make that mistake again... but then, he's thinking much more clearly now.
* * *
At my time of life, I feel tired all the time. I really can't complain... I've had so many good years.
* * *
Originally, the name of Hamlet's best friend was supposed to be Toby instead of Horatio. Shakespeare eventually thought better of that, but a remnant still survives in a scene where the Danish prince thinks he spots his pal on the horizon: "Toby or not Toby?"
* * *
Pet store owner: "I'm having a big promotional sale: dead parakeets!"
Shopper: "Dead parakeets?!"
Pet store owner: "Yeah, I expect to make a killing! They aren't going cheep!"
* * *
Everyone's trying to avoid the Coronavirus... everyone except Vin Diesel. After all those "Fast and Furious" movies, he figures he's been inoculated.
* * *
Brunette: "How's that history course going?"
Blonde: "Not so good. We're studying World War II."
Brunette: "So what's the hang-up?"
Blonde: "I just don't see why it's such a big deal! Our side had guns and atomic bombs; all the enemy had was axes!"
* * *
Son Goku of Dragon Ball fame once said: "I'd rather be a brainless beast than a heartless monster!" That's not exactly his motto... more like a super sayin'.
* * *
I don't think the coronavirus will last very long. After all, it's made in China.
* * *
1st caveman: "Look what I just invented! I call it a 'chair'."
2nd caveman: "Really! How do you use it?"
1st caveman: "You may want to sit down for this... "
* * *
I've been phoning around, trying to hire an S&M dominatrix for the weekend. So far, I have no idea how much exactly it will cost; all I've gotten are rough estimates.
* * *
God bless politicians! We gripe about them constantly, but no one can say they're not socially conscious. Did you know that each of them is a tissue donor? It's true! They all get rid of their spines as soon as they take office.
* * *
It was so cold outside, my ma told me to put on a wool cap and scarf. Last time I listen to her advice! I nearly froze without the rest of my clothing!
* * *
He: "Hey, babe, are the dishes in the dishwasher clean or dirty?"
She: "Well, what does it look like to you?"
He: "It looks like it's closed."
* * *
I once bought a fake Van Gogh self portrait. The style should have been a tip-off... it was ear-regular.
* * *
In 100 years, society will be so screwed up they may be tempted to thaw out all the cryogenically frozen geniuses to set things straight. Let's hope that cooler heads prevail.
* * *
A mob boss paid me to liquidate one of his rivals. I had a choice: shoot him or blow up his car. I opted to for gun... big mistake! The bullets moved so slowly that my target was able to get away. I'm in trouble now! Why oh why did I decide to use slugs?
* * *
When Jesus hosted the meal that would become the Last Supper, he left the chamber door ajar to let in a bit of fresh air. Judas noticed this and feared the approaching Roman soldiers might be spotted.
"Hey," he yelled at his boss, "what's with the open door? Were you born in a barn?"
