Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
My place needed repairs, so I took on a part-time worker and gave him a list. When I got back, he'd done only half... numbers 1, 3, 5 and 7. That's what I get for hiring a man to do odd jobs.
Don't feel sorry for Samsung! Business is booming!
Samsung gave me the wrong phone. I wanted an S7... I got the C4.
Husband: I love you. I've always loved you. I will always love you.
Wife: Is that you talking or is it the beer?
Husband: It's definitely me. I'm talking to the beer.
Guess I can't bench press 200 pounds after all. I just want to get that off my chest.
In an effort to recruit younger members, radical Islam has developed its own version of the popular kids' icon, Dora the Explorer. They call her Doda the Exploder.
During the last presidential debate, Mr. Bone was called upon to pose a question. Bill Clinton immediately rose and said he hadn't prepared any.
My wife and I have decided not to have children. Our son isn't taking it well.
My aged dad lived with my wife and me during his declining years. Finally, he passed away.
As we made arrangements to bury him, my wife told me, "You know, my mother's getting pretty old too. I've decided that she's going to take your father's place."
"Makes sense to me," I replied. "I'll notify the funeral director."
I'd never been able to find my wife's G Spot. What a surprise! Turns out her sister's had it all the time!
Wife: Not tonight, dear. I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.
Husband: Hmmm... you don't have a dentist appointment too, do you?
I just read that one out of every three people cheats. So which is it... my wife or my girlfriend?
I've heard that doctors are keeping an amputated human nose alive in a tank of liquid. And what's the name of this secret experiment? Nobody knows.
While visiting my granddaughter last week, I asked to borrow a newspaper.
"Oh Grandad!" she scoffed. "You're so out of touch! Nobody buys newspapers anymore! Here, use this iPad."
And you know what? She was absolutely right! The iPad is far better! That fly never knew what hit him!
Jesus must have been drooling on the cross. I mean, how else could he offer salivation?
Women will sweat for months to achieve an hourglass figure. If you ask me, it's a waist of time.
It's not my fault I deceived my wife... it's hers, the way she's always harping on me. She turned me into a lyre.
I laugh in every elevated region. They are, after all, hill areas.
The difference between a stripper and Donald Trump: a stripper goes up in the poles.
My new sunglasses have rainbow lenses. They look cool, but since I've had them I can't see straight.
My doctor wouldn't proscribe Viagra for me, but that's okay. No hard feelings.
Have you heard all the recent rumors about creepy clowns? Some say it's mass hysteria, but I know better. I've seen all the debates.
* * *
Don't feel sorry for Samsung! Business is booming!
* * *
Samsung gave me the wrong phone. I wanted an S7... I got the C4.
* * *
Husband: I love you. I've always loved you. I will always love you.
Wife: Is that you talking or is it the beer?
Husband: It's definitely me. I'm talking to the beer.
* * *
Guess I can't bench press 200 pounds after all. I just want to get that off my chest.
* * *
In an effort to recruit younger members, radical Islam has developed its own version of the popular kids' icon, Dora the Explorer. They call her Doda the Exploder.
* * *
During the last presidential debate, Mr. Bone was called upon to pose a question. Bill Clinton immediately rose and said he hadn't prepared any.
* * *
My wife and I have decided not to have children. Our son isn't taking it well.
* * *
My aged dad lived with my wife and me during his declining years. Finally, he passed away.
As we made arrangements to bury him, my wife told me, "You know, my mother's getting pretty old too. I've decided that she's going to take your father's place."
"Makes sense to me," I replied. "I'll notify the funeral director."
* * *
I'd never been able to find my wife's G Spot. What a surprise! Turns out her sister's had it all the time!
* * *
Wife: Not tonight, dear. I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.
Husband: Hmmm... you don't have a dentist appointment too, do you?
* * *
I just read that one out of every three people cheats. So which is it... my wife or my girlfriend?
* * *
I've heard that doctors are keeping an amputated human nose alive in a tank of liquid. And what's the name of this secret experiment? Nobody knows.
* * *
While visiting my granddaughter last week, I asked to borrow a newspaper.
"Oh Grandad!" she scoffed. "You're so out of touch! Nobody buys newspapers anymore! Here, use this iPad."
And you know what? She was absolutely right! The iPad is far better! That fly never knew what hit him!
* * *
Jesus must have been drooling on the cross. I mean, how else could he offer salivation?
* * *
Women will sweat for months to achieve an hourglass figure. If you ask me, it's a waist of time.
* * *
It's not my fault I deceived my wife... it's hers, the way she's always harping on me. She turned me into a lyre.
* * *
I laugh in every elevated region. They are, after all, hill areas.
* * *
The difference between a stripper and Donald Trump: a stripper goes up in the poles.
* * *
My new sunglasses have rainbow lenses. They look cool, but since I've had them I can't see straight.
* * *
My doctor wouldn't proscribe Viagra for me, but that's okay. No hard feelings.
* * *
Have you heard all the recent rumors about creepy clowns? Some say it's mass hysteria, but I know better. I've seen all the debates.
