Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
Your jack-o-lantern may look fearsome, but don't depend on it to protect you. It just doesn't have the guts.
One of the medical assistants at our local hospital has been drawing way too much blood. Her name? Nurse Feratu.
Emperor Nero would usually have buffet lunches at his orgies. It was first cum, first served.
I thought it would charm my little girl if I told her I saw a deer on the way to work this morning. All it did was confuse her... she couldn't figure out how a deer could hold down a job.
Putin: "You must really hate me these days! I'll bet if I died today, you'd piss all over my grave!"
Zelensky: "Certainly not, Vladimir. What I hate most of all is standing in long lines."
My great-grandfather was a horticulturist. His most ambitious dream was to create an unclimbable hedge by crossing coconut trees with poison ivy. Unfortunately, the attempt failed... all he got out of it was itchy palms.
Farmer Brown: "So... my prize bull refused to breed with any of the cows. It got so bad, I went to the vet for pills ta fix the problem. Well let me tell you, the next day he started plowin' every heifer on the ranch! He ever busted down the fence ta get at my neighbor's cattle!"
Farmer Jones: "Must be mighty special pills! What all's in 'em?"
Farmer Brown: "Dunno fer sure. They taste kind'a like peppermint."
My beach bunny girlfriend took part in a Perfect Tan contest. It's the only competition I know where bronze is the winner.
Q: How can you tell when a flat-earther is world traveling?
A: He carries a sign reading, "The end is near!"
My brother used to be a proctologist, but has switched professions and is now an auto mechanic. It's fascinating to watch him work... he does all repairs through the tailpipe.
Paris is super-enthusiastic about more public toilets! The whole city's awash with "Oui, oui!"
Q: How many musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: A-one an' a-two an' a-one two three!
After the incident at Reichenbach Falls, Dr. Watson quit the detective business and went into residential security. He still wanted to honor his old friendship, so he came up with a name that would reflect it: Sure-Lock Homes.
I keep thinking back to how good things were before the pandemic. Hindsight really is 2020.
"How much does this job pay?"
"Beginning wages are $10 an hour, but after six months there's an increase to $15 an hour. How soon can you start?"
"In about six months."
Why was the Great Wall of China ever expected to keep out the Mongols? My gramma's a frail old lady and she's broken every piece of china she's ever owned!
Job interviewer: "I want you to describe your work history in three words."
Job applicant: "Great at following instructions!"
Q: What sort of a construction was the Tower of Barad-dur?
A: Brick and Mordor.
Boxing legend Mike Tyson owns three Bengal tigers and his neighbors are terrified about maulings. Reportedly, authorities has been called to his place three times to check out the animals' ears.
My friends consider me a pig just because I refused to help an old lady get off the bus yesterday. If she was agile enough to climb up there, I saw no reason she couldn't climb down again.
Q: Hitler was long thought to have only one ball... in reality, he had three. How did Field Marshal Montgomery react?
A: He walked him, then struck out Göring.
When I left home to make my way in the world, my dad said he expected me to be a good man.
"Daddy," I told him, "I promise to be sound as a silver dollar!"
"Money is the root of all evil, boy," he replied. "I expect you to be good for nothing."
* * *
One of the medical assistants at our local hospital has been drawing way too much blood. Her name? Nurse Feratu.
* * *
Emperor Nero would usually have buffet lunches at his orgies. It was first cum, first served.
* * *
I thought it would charm my little girl if I told her I saw a deer on the way to work this morning. All it did was confuse her... she couldn't figure out how a deer could hold down a job.
* * *
Putin: "You must really hate me these days! I'll bet if I died today, you'd piss all over my grave!"
Zelensky: "Certainly not, Vladimir. What I hate most of all is standing in long lines."
* * *
My great-grandfather was a horticulturist. His most ambitious dream was to create an unclimbable hedge by crossing coconut trees with poison ivy. Unfortunately, the attempt failed... all he got out of it was itchy palms.
* * *
Farmer Brown: "So... my prize bull refused to breed with any of the cows. It got so bad, I went to the vet for pills ta fix the problem. Well let me tell you, the next day he started plowin' every heifer on the ranch! He ever busted down the fence ta get at my neighbor's cattle!"
Farmer Jones: "Must be mighty special pills! What all's in 'em?"
Farmer Brown: "Dunno fer sure. They taste kind'a like peppermint."
* * *
My beach bunny girlfriend took part in a Perfect Tan contest. It's the only competition I know where bronze is the winner.
* * *
Q: How can you tell when a flat-earther is world traveling?
A: He carries a sign reading, "The end is near!"
* * *
My brother used to be a proctologist, but has switched professions and is now an auto mechanic. It's fascinating to watch him work... he does all repairs through the tailpipe.
* * *
Paris is super-enthusiastic about more public toilets! The whole city's awash with "Oui, oui!"
* * *
Q: How many musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: A-one an' a-two an' a-one two three!
* * *
After the incident at Reichenbach Falls, Dr. Watson quit the detective business and went into residential security. He still wanted to honor his old friendship, so he came up with a name that would reflect it: Sure-Lock Homes.
* * *
I keep thinking back to how good things were before the pandemic. Hindsight really is 2020.
* * *
"How much does this job pay?"
"Beginning wages are $10 an hour, but after six months there's an increase to $15 an hour. How soon can you start?"
"In about six months."
* * *
Why was the Great Wall of China ever expected to keep out the Mongols? My gramma's a frail old lady and she's broken every piece of china she's ever owned!
* * *
Job interviewer: "I want you to describe your work history in three words."
Job applicant: "Great at following instructions!"
* * *
Q: What sort of a construction was the Tower of Barad-dur?
A: Brick and Mordor.
* * *
Boxing legend Mike Tyson owns three Bengal tigers and his neighbors are terrified about maulings. Reportedly, authorities has been called to his place three times to check out the animals' ears.
* * *
My friends consider me a pig just because I refused to help an old lady get off the bus yesterday. If she was agile enough to climb up there, I saw no reason she couldn't climb down again.
* * *
Q: Hitler was long thought to have only one ball... in reality, he had three. How did Field Marshal Montgomery react?
A: He walked him, then struck out Göring.
* * *
When I left home to make my way in the world, my dad said he expected me to be a good man.
"Daddy," I told him, "I promise to be sound as a silver dollar!"
"Money is the root of all evil, boy," he replied. "I expect you to be good for nothing."
