Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,981
- Points
- 48
I visited the automotive section of the library, looking for some guide to fixing my automatic transmission. But it didn't do any good... nothing there but manuals.
According the music scene, there's a Stairway to Heaven but a Highway to Hell. Evidently mass transit is needed for rock fans.
My brother's keen to become a stage magician; he told me, "Pick a card! Any card!" So, I opened up his wallet and took his Visa.
Q: How does King Charles play Mario Kart?
A: By using the Royal Wii.
My wife's been having trouble with our son: no matter what she asks him to do, he stubbornly tells her, "No!" It became clear I had to have a talk with the boy... I marched into his room, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Now you listen to me, young man... you won't be leaving this room until you teach me how to do that!"
Popeye: "Do you sell baby spinach?"
Grocer: "Yes sir, I do."
Popeye: "Well knock it off! Swee' Pea's been usin' it to beat up all the other kids in the nursery!"
My brother was caught trying to poison the Communion wine. He'd always wanted to commit Mass murder.
Q: What signs indicate that Vikings have taken over?
A: The whole town's in runes.
Brunette: "I've been reading that Elon Musk wants to invent a 'smart' pen that fixes your spelling. All you have to do is make a second pass so that wrong letters vanish and new proper ones appear in their place! What do you think about that?"
Blonde: "I'd say it's remarkable!"
Genie: "Anything you wish for can by yours, Master!"
Aladdin: "That's easy! I wanna be hung like a horse!"
The next day, Aladdin was found dangling by his neck from an extra-thick rope.
To show my girlfriend I care, I took her to the regatta. My dad always said that love is fleeting!
Hear about the new documentary that examines all the deaths caused by smokeless tobacco? Critics are calling it a snuff film.
Dad told me that our local KFC's been demolished to make way for a burger joint. Sounds like a cock and bull story to me!
Cop: "Young lady, I want a word with you!"
Blonde: "Okay. How about 'discombobulate'? I've always liked that one!"
My girlfriend says I never listen to her, but she's the one who must have tinnitus. She keeps goin on and on about a ring.
The barber at the Kimberley diamond fields was arrested on sex charges. Seems he'd been grooming miners.
Turns out that a good number of the people I know have spent time in jail. The total is zero; that's the best number of felons I can think of!
The programmer who invented autocorrect passed away yesterday. May he roast in piss.
When I was growing up, our family was so poor Mom couldn't even afford to feed us. Instead, she just read us recipes out of her cook books. My brother was so hard of hearing, he nearly starved to death!
Q: How did two medieval knights settle a difference of opinion?
A: They'd sword things out.
I can never make up my mind what I want for breakfast. So, what do I end up with? A waffle.
Customer: "I sent my son in here this morning to pick up two pounds of cookies for my garden party. Well, when he got back I weighed them myself and found they only came to one pound! I suggest you check your scale!"
Baker: "I suggest you check your son."
* * *
According the music scene, there's a Stairway to Heaven but a Highway to Hell. Evidently mass transit is needed for rock fans.
* * *
My brother's keen to become a stage magician; he told me, "Pick a card! Any card!" So, I opened up his wallet and took his Visa.
* * *
Q: How does King Charles play Mario Kart?
A: By using the Royal Wii.
* * *
My wife's been having trouble with our son: no matter what she asks him to do, he stubbornly tells her, "No!" It became clear I had to have a talk with the boy... I marched into his room, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Now you listen to me, young man... you won't be leaving this room until you teach me how to do that!"
* * *
Popeye: "Do you sell baby spinach?"
Grocer: "Yes sir, I do."
Popeye: "Well knock it off! Swee' Pea's been usin' it to beat up all the other kids in the nursery!"
* * *
My brother was caught trying to poison the Communion wine. He'd always wanted to commit Mass murder.
* * *
Q: What signs indicate that Vikings have taken over?
A: The whole town's in runes.
* * *
Brunette: "I've been reading that Elon Musk wants to invent a 'smart' pen that fixes your spelling. All you have to do is make a second pass so that wrong letters vanish and new proper ones appear in their place! What do you think about that?"
Blonde: "I'd say it's remarkable!"
* * *
Genie: "Anything you wish for can by yours, Master!"
Aladdin: "That's easy! I wanna be hung like a horse!"
The next day, Aladdin was found dangling by his neck from an extra-thick rope.
* * *
To show my girlfriend I care, I took her to the regatta. My dad always said that love is fleeting!
* * *
Hear about the new documentary that examines all the deaths caused by smokeless tobacco? Critics are calling it a snuff film.
* * *
Dad told me that our local KFC's been demolished to make way for a burger joint. Sounds like a cock and bull story to me!
* * *
Cop: "Young lady, I want a word with you!"
Blonde: "Okay. How about 'discombobulate'? I've always liked that one!"
* * *
My girlfriend says I never listen to her, but she's the one who must have tinnitus. She keeps goin on and on about a ring.
* * *
The barber at the Kimberley diamond fields was arrested on sex charges. Seems he'd been grooming miners.
* * *
Turns out that a good number of the people I know have spent time in jail. The total is zero; that's the best number of felons I can think of!
* * *
The programmer who invented autocorrect passed away yesterday. May he roast in piss.
* * *
When I was growing up, our family was so poor Mom couldn't even afford to feed us. Instead, she just read us recipes out of her cook books. My brother was so hard of hearing, he nearly starved to death!
* * *
Q: How did two medieval knights settle a difference of opinion?
A: They'd sword things out.
* * *
I can never make up my mind what I want for breakfast. So, what do I end up with? A waffle.
* * *
Customer: "I sent my son in here this morning to pick up two pounds of cookies for my garden party. Well, when he got back I weighed them myself and found they only came to one pound! I suggest you check your scale!"
Baker: "I suggest you check your son."
