Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
I went to a black tie party last night and committed a huge faux pas... I spent a good half hour of it with my fly down. I never would have noticed if I hadn't caught a lovely young lady dressing me with her eyes.
Mayor: "This fire has been burning all week! I want it out by tomorrow!"
Fire Chief: "Yes sir! I'll make sure everyone hears about it!"
My sister used to work as a librarian... but with the advent of the internet, who visits libraries anymore? Ergo, she lost her job. She just sits at home these days, organizing her CD collection. Even then, old habits die hard... she's been using the Dewey Decibel System.
The British punishment for treason used to be having the culprit hanged, drawn and quartered. Other cultures found the practice barbaric, but to the locals it was just a bit of 'armless fun.
My ex and I had trouble deciding who'd retain the house after our divorce. Finally, the judge came up with an equitable solution: a 50-50 split. She'd get the inside and I'd get the outside.
Q: A banana is found murdered in a fruit bowl. The orange has no alibi, the apple is known to have held a grudge, the dates won't give you their palm prints, etc. etc. ... how do you determine the guilty party?
A: Simple: examine the motive. It was a crime of passion.
Customer: "How can I tell the sex of these goldfish?"
Blonde clerk: "It's real easy. First, you sprinkle in some fish food. If he swims up to eat, it's a boy; if she swims up to eat, it's a girl."
Activist oil protestors tried to deface Van Gogh's painting, "Sunflowers". So listen up, Vince... next time, use acrylics!
For the past year I've been in the Antarctic studying penguins and let me tell you, they're the most easygoing, centered creatures I've ever worked with! It's true... they're totally unflappable!
Hear about the wicked French queen who screwed up her spell and turned Snow White into the Little Mermaid? Evidently she mistakenly sent a poisson apple.
The wicked queen went through a lot of trouble for nothing. You see, Snow White was never really all that pretty... however, her business ethics were second to none, based on the way she treated the customers at her Jamba Juice franchise. It's perfectly understandable in retrospect... the queen should never have questioned the magic mirror in language that sounded so much like, "Who is the fairest of the mall?"
Q: How can you tell when a drone is ready for work in the hive's PR department?
A: His application is filled with buzz words.
I knew I shouldn't have come late to the optometrist's office! Now I can't see him!
Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Penguins.
Freddie Kruger never gets to the kids' houses until they're sound asleep. Traffic's always a nightmare on Elm Street.
Quentin Tarantino is hard at work for Disney, filming yet another live action version of "Cinderella". Word is the glass slipper scene will run 45 minutes.
My dad said I could throw a party at our house as long as it wasn't over 20 people. Happily, I was able to get everyone out in time.
Q: How does one barfly attract another barfly?
A: He offers her a stool.
Venetian streetwalkers are terrific at blowjobs. All of them seem to have really good breath control.
Q: Which Mandalorian wins the race?
A: The one who has the Beskar.
I've lived with a mental illness for over ten years. Not for much longer, though... I've already started divorce proceedings.
A Russian soldier is marching to the battlefront wearing only one boot.
"What's the matter, comrade?" inquires a villager. "Did you lose a boot?"
"Nope!" he replies proudly. "Found one!"
* * *
Mayor: "This fire has been burning all week! I want it out by tomorrow!"
Fire Chief: "Yes sir! I'll make sure everyone hears about it!"
* * *
My sister used to work as a librarian... but with the advent of the internet, who visits libraries anymore? Ergo, she lost her job. She just sits at home these days, organizing her CD collection. Even then, old habits die hard... she's been using the Dewey Decibel System.
* * *
The British punishment for treason used to be having the culprit hanged, drawn and quartered. Other cultures found the practice barbaric, but to the locals it was just a bit of 'armless fun.
* * *
My ex and I had trouble deciding who'd retain the house after our divorce. Finally, the judge came up with an equitable solution: a 50-50 split. She'd get the inside and I'd get the outside.
* * *
Q: A banana is found murdered in a fruit bowl. The orange has no alibi, the apple is known to have held a grudge, the dates won't give you their palm prints, etc. etc. ... how do you determine the guilty party?
A: Simple: examine the motive. It was a crime of passion.
* * *
Customer: "How can I tell the sex of these goldfish?"
Blonde clerk: "It's real easy. First, you sprinkle in some fish food. If he swims up to eat, it's a boy; if she swims up to eat, it's a girl."
* * *
Activist oil protestors tried to deface Van Gogh's painting, "Sunflowers". So listen up, Vince... next time, use acrylics!
* * *
For the past year I've been in the Antarctic studying penguins and let me tell you, they're the most easygoing, centered creatures I've ever worked with! It's true... they're totally unflappable!
* * *
Hear about the wicked French queen who screwed up her spell and turned Snow White into the Little Mermaid? Evidently she mistakenly sent a poisson apple.
* * *
The wicked queen went through a lot of trouble for nothing. You see, Snow White was never really all that pretty... however, her business ethics were second to none, based on the way she treated the customers at her Jamba Juice franchise. It's perfectly understandable in retrospect... the queen should never have questioned the magic mirror in language that sounded so much like, "Who is the fairest of the mall?"
* * *
Q: How can you tell when a drone is ready for work in the hive's PR department?
A: His application is filled with buzz words.
* * *
I knew I shouldn't have come late to the optometrist's office! Now I can't see him!
* * *
Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Penguins.
* * *
Freddie Kruger never gets to the kids' houses until they're sound asleep. Traffic's always a nightmare on Elm Street.
* * *
Quentin Tarantino is hard at work for Disney, filming yet another live action version of "Cinderella". Word is the glass slipper scene will run 45 minutes.
* * *
My dad said I could throw a party at our house as long as it wasn't over 20 people. Happily, I was able to get everyone out in time.
* * *
Q: How does one barfly attract another barfly?
A: He offers her a stool.
* * *
Venetian streetwalkers are terrific at blowjobs. All of them seem to have really good breath control.
* * *
Q: Which Mandalorian wins the race?
A: The one who has the Beskar.
* * *
I've lived with a mental illness for over ten years. Not for much longer, though... I've already started divorce proceedings.
* * *
A Russian soldier is marching to the battlefront wearing only one boot.
"What's the matter, comrade?" inquires a villager. "Did you lose a boot?"
"Nope!" he replies proudly. "Found one!"
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