Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]At the end of the Bobbit trial, Lorena was found not guilty. The evidence just didn’t stand up.
I found my wife on a dating site. Hope she hasn’t been cheating as long as I have.
“What do you want for your birthday, son?”
“A puppy! I want a puppy!”
Two days later...
“Hey, Pop! Where are you going with my dog?”
“Back to the pound. It isn’t your birthday anymore.”
The demon Pazuzu was picked up by vice cops. They charged him with possession.
I give props to my grandpa. He can’t stand without ‘em.
Brunette husband: “Darling... why did you put an 80 watt bulb in my lunch pail?”
Blonde wife: “Because of your diet. You said you wanted a light snack.”
I’m currently 60 days clean. It’s been tough staying in the shower that long, but drugs have helped a lot.
A man is sitting at a park bench eating a frankfurter when a woman approaches with her small dog. As soon as the the pooch sees the man, it starts growling.
“Mind if I toss him a bit?” the man inquires.
“Not at all,” the woman replies... whereupon the guy picks up the mutt and throws it over the park fence.
American astronauts noticed that ordinary pens wouldn’t work in space, so NASA spent a full year and 12 million dollars developing one that would operate in zero gravity.
At the same time, cosmonauts were using pencils.
All male politicians are gay. They must be if they have man dates.
My nephew swallowed down 8 Cokes in a row; he vomited 7 up.
Kid Rock has announced that he no longer plans to run as Republican candidate for the Michigan state senate. This comes as a great relief to the Democratic front runner, Kid Scissors.
Customer: “I hear you carry a special pill that enlarges your penis. Does it really work?”
Pharmacist: “Indeed it does, sir!”
Customer: “Can I get it over the counter?”
Pharmacist: “Possibly. But you’ll have to take two.”
Bear in mind... there’s nothing more dangerous than a psychic grizzly!
A little frog hops up to a beautiful maiden and chirps, “ Kiss me and I’ll become a handsome prince!”
“Screw that!” she cries, grabbing him up. “I’d rather have a talking frog!”
My uncle is an important figure in the American civil rights movement! He’s the one who told Rosa Parks to move to the back of the bus.
“Daddy, what does ‘gay’ mean!”
“Well... uh... er... gay means to be happy, son.”
“Oh! So are you gay, then?”
“No, boy. I can’t be gay. I have a wife.”
Those ugly rumors about Jeffrey Dahmer’s cannibalism must have been lies. Surely he was a vegetarian, if his favorite meal was sliced dates.
My great grandpa was absolutely convinced that the Titanic would sink. He went on and on about; people called him crazy and told him to shut up, but he refused to hold his peace. He raised such a ruckus, they finally threw him out of the theater.
My crush and I are in complete accord! We both like her, but neither of us likes me.
Hear about the mohel who developed astigmatism? He got the sack.
Three teens are walking along a lake, when they hear frantic calls for help. They immediately plunge into the water and save a drowning man. Once back on dry land, the lads are stunned to see they’ve rescued Donald Trump!
“I’m the President of the United States and a billionaire!” Trump states proudly. “Ask anything you want as a reward!”
“I’d really like a brand new car!” gushes the first.
“Done!” beams Trump.
“Can... can I have a new house for my family?” asks the second.
“No problem!” Trump replies. “And for you, young man?”
“Well,” says the third boy, “I guess what I want most is a tombstone.”
“A tombstone?!” Trump gasps in consternation.
“Yep,” the boy returns. “When my dad finds out what I’ve just done, he’s gonna kill me.”[/FONT]
* * *
I found my wife on a dating site. Hope she hasn’t been cheating as long as I have.
* * *
“What do you want for your birthday, son?”
“A puppy! I want a puppy!”
Two days later...
“Hey, Pop! Where are you going with my dog?”
“Back to the pound. It isn’t your birthday anymore.”
* * *
The demon Pazuzu was picked up by vice cops. They charged him with possession.
* * *
I give props to my grandpa. He can’t stand without ‘em.
* * *
Brunette husband: “Darling... why did you put an 80 watt bulb in my lunch pail?”
Blonde wife: “Because of your diet. You said you wanted a light snack.”
* * *
I’m currently 60 days clean. It’s been tough staying in the shower that long, but drugs have helped a lot.
* * *
A man is sitting at a park bench eating a frankfurter when a woman approaches with her small dog. As soon as the the pooch sees the man, it starts growling.
“Mind if I toss him a bit?” the man inquires.
“Not at all,” the woman replies... whereupon the guy picks up the mutt and throws it over the park fence.
* * *
American astronauts noticed that ordinary pens wouldn’t work in space, so NASA spent a full year and 12 million dollars developing one that would operate in zero gravity.
At the same time, cosmonauts were using pencils.
* * *
All male politicians are gay. They must be if they have man dates.
* * *
My nephew swallowed down 8 Cokes in a row; he vomited 7 up.
* * *
Kid Rock has announced that he no longer plans to run as Republican candidate for the Michigan state senate. This comes as a great relief to the Democratic front runner, Kid Scissors.
* * *
Customer: “I hear you carry a special pill that enlarges your penis. Does it really work?”
Pharmacist: “Indeed it does, sir!”
Customer: “Can I get it over the counter?”
Pharmacist: “Possibly. But you’ll have to take two.”
* * *
Bear in mind... there’s nothing more dangerous than a psychic grizzly!
* * *
A little frog hops up to a beautiful maiden and chirps, “ Kiss me and I’ll become a handsome prince!”
“Screw that!” she cries, grabbing him up. “I’d rather have a talking frog!”
* * *
My uncle is an important figure in the American civil rights movement! He’s the one who told Rosa Parks to move to the back of the bus.
* * *
“Daddy, what does ‘gay’ mean!”
“Well... uh... er... gay means to be happy, son.”
“Oh! So are you gay, then?”
“No, boy. I can’t be gay. I have a wife.”
* * *
Those ugly rumors about Jeffrey Dahmer’s cannibalism must have been lies. Surely he was a vegetarian, if his favorite meal was sliced dates.
* * *
My great grandpa was absolutely convinced that the Titanic would sink. He went on and on about; people called him crazy and told him to shut up, but he refused to hold his peace. He raised such a ruckus, they finally threw him out of the theater.
* * *
My crush and I are in complete accord! We both like her, but neither of us likes me.
* * *
Hear about the mohel who developed astigmatism? He got the sack.
* * *
Three teens are walking along a lake, when they hear frantic calls for help. They immediately plunge into the water and save a drowning man. Once back on dry land, the lads are stunned to see they’ve rescued Donald Trump!
“I’m the President of the United States and a billionaire!” Trump states proudly. “Ask anything you want as a reward!”
“I’d really like a brand new car!” gushes the first.
“Done!” beams Trump.
“Can... can I have a new house for my family?” asks the second.
“No problem!” Trump replies. “And for you, young man?”
“Well,” says the third boy, “I guess what I want most is a tombstone.”
“A tombstone?!” Trump gasps in consternation.
“Yep,” the boy returns. “When my dad finds out what I’ve just done, he’s gonna kill me.”[/FONT]
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