Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
I was quite surprised to learn that Cary Grant, Marlene Dietrich and Greta Garbo all served as spies during World War II. I knew they were famous movie stars, but I had no idea they were so skilled at thespianage!
A lot of laymen don't understand the difference between weather and climate. But there's a simple rule: you can weather a storm, but you can't climate.
Comix fans have long said that just taking off a pair of glasses is an inadequate disguise for keeping Clark Kent's Superman identity a secret. I see their point... once I take off my glasses, I can't tell any difference.
Q: When there's intrusive new timber in an old-growth forest, how do conservationists determine which wood to save first?
A: They establish tree-age.
I do one line of coke, suddenly I'm in the back of an ambulance! I really can't keep this up... before you know it, I'll have lost my job as an EMT.
Q: Which is the scarier holiday, Halloween or Christmas?
A: For most people, it's Halloween... just not for the ones with Claustrophobia.
I'd like to announce a major breakthrough involving my rock-hard bowl movements: even four-ply TP isn't tough enough.
Judge: "Ma'am, you've been found guilty of shoplifting a can of tomatoes. I therefore sentence you to four weeks in jail, one for each tomato."
Husband: "Hey, your honor... she also stole a can of peas."
While I was a guest of Dorian Gray, I accidently knocked his portrait off the wall, slashing the canvas to shreds. Man, you should have seen the look on his face!
Most orange juice is orange colored. There is, however, a special kind of orange juice that's yellow: OJ Simpson.
Buster Bear approaches a fellow forest denizen, Donald Deer.
"Hi Don!" Buster greets. "I'm about to go hunting. Care to join me?"
"Sure!" replies Donald. "I'm game!"
Buster immediately claws Donald to death.
On Halloween, all the various monsters stop by their local Scarbucks for a free Cappuccino. All but the Headless Horseman... he gets a De-Cappuccino.
After six cups of coffee, the Headless Horseman heads out to relive his most famous adventure: The Legend of Wide-Awake Hollow.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away... but only if your aim's good enough.
A man comes home from work to find his wife waiting for him in a sexy French maid outfit, complete with high heels and fishnet stockings. Immediately, his mouth splits into a toothy grin.
"Excited, eh?" the woman purrs.
"You bet I am!" he man enthuses. "I assume this means you cleaned today!"
After an attempted mugging, I've started carrying a knife. Since then, my muggings have become much more successful.
The sex position formerly known as 69 is now known as 96. Like everything else, the cost of eating out has gone up.
My wife's constantly telling me, "Just hold your horses, mister!" And I finally figured out what she means by that... she wants me to maintain a stable attitude.
Studies tell us that St. Louis is one of the US's fastest growing corporate cities. Evidently, Missouri loves company.
When I was a youngster, I'd make major money by losing my teeth. Sure set up some false expectations for later life.
"Siri, why do all my relationships with women go wrong?"
"Sir, this is Alexa."
Brunette He: "Why are you crying, miss?"
Blonde She: "Sit down next to me and I'll tell you."
Brunette He: "Okay. Now, what's made you so upset?"
Blonde She: "The darn park workers just put fresh paint on this bench!"
* * *
A lot of laymen don't understand the difference between weather and climate. But there's a simple rule: you can weather a storm, but you can't climate.
* * *
Comix fans have long said that just taking off a pair of glasses is an inadequate disguise for keeping Clark Kent's Superman identity a secret. I see their point... once I take off my glasses, I can't tell any difference.
* * *
Q: When there's intrusive new timber in an old-growth forest, how do conservationists determine which wood to save first?
A: They establish tree-age.
* * *
I do one line of coke, suddenly I'm in the back of an ambulance! I really can't keep this up... before you know it, I'll have lost my job as an EMT.
* * *
Q: Which is the scarier holiday, Halloween or Christmas?
A: For most people, it's Halloween... just not for the ones with Claustrophobia.
* * *
I'd like to announce a major breakthrough involving my rock-hard bowl movements: even four-ply TP isn't tough enough.
* * *
Judge: "Ma'am, you've been found guilty of shoplifting a can of tomatoes. I therefore sentence you to four weeks in jail, one for each tomato."
Husband: "Hey, your honor... she also stole a can of peas."
* * *
While I was a guest of Dorian Gray, I accidently knocked his portrait off the wall, slashing the canvas to shreds. Man, you should have seen the look on his face!
* * *
Most orange juice is orange colored. There is, however, a special kind of orange juice that's yellow: OJ Simpson.
* * *
Buster Bear approaches a fellow forest denizen, Donald Deer.
"Hi Don!" Buster greets. "I'm about to go hunting. Care to join me?"
"Sure!" replies Donald. "I'm game!"
Buster immediately claws Donald to death.
* * *
On Halloween, all the various monsters stop by their local Scarbucks for a free Cappuccino. All but the Headless Horseman... he gets a De-Cappuccino.
* * *
After six cups of coffee, the Headless Horseman heads out to relive his most famous adventure: The Legend of Wide-Awake Hollow.
* * *
An apple a day keeps the doctor away... but only if your aim's good enough.
* * *
A man comes home from work to find his wife waiting for him in a sexy French maid outfit, complete with high heels and fishnet stockings. Immediately, his mouth splits into a toothy grin.
"Excited, eh?" the woman purrs.
"You bet I am!" he man enthuses. "I assume this means you cleaned today!"
* * *
After an attempted mugging, I've started carrying a knife. Since then, my muggings have become much more successful.
* * *
The sex position formerly known as 69 is now known as 96. Like everything else, the cost of eating out has gone up.
* * *
My wife's constantly telling me, "Just hold your horses, mister!" And I finally figured out what she means by that... she wants me to maintain a stable attitude.
* * *
Studies tell us that St. Louis is one of the US's fastest growing corporate cities. Evidently, Missouri loves company.
* * *
When I was a youngster, I'd make major money by losing my teeth. Sure set up some false expectations for later life.
* * *
"Siri, why do all my relationships with women go wrong?"
"Sir, this is Alexa."
* * *
Brunette He: "Why are you crying, miss?"
Blonde She: "Sit down next to me and I'll tell you."
Brunette He: "Okay. Now, what's made you so upset?"
Blonde She: "The darn park workers just put fresh paint on this bench!"
