Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,974
- Points
- 48
Robert Downey Jr. will be returning the MCU, but will not be playing Iron Man. That's what I call a stark difference!
He: "I want a second slice of pie!"
She: "No, George. You have a weight problem."
He: "Damn straight! You're making me wait for that piece of pie!"
Last night I had a case of drinky-poos! My wife hates it when I refer to diarrhea that way.
Batman owns a pet bat; Aquaman has a pet fish. You'd think Superman would get a pet eagle, but no... he prefers to have a capon.
Just a word to reassure the ladies: I'm very, very good in bed! Hardly ever fall out anymore!
Burnette: "This is a pain! Why do I have to be with you in the bathroom while you brush your teeth?"
Blonde: " 'Cause it says right here on the tube: 'Brushing alone may not prevent tooth decay'!"
As a child, I never had imaginary friends like the other kids. I couldn't even comprehend the idea. I mean, really... could you ever picture anyone liking me?
Q: A golf bag wheels into the clubhouse bar and all the clubs inside start to order. The 5 wood gets a whisky, neat; the 9 iron has a beer; the sand wedge asks for a martini; the putter chooses red wine, on and on till almost everyone is served. The last club, however, only gets water. Why is that?
A: He's the driver.
Dad didn't have much to leave us kids when he died; by the time I got to the hospital, my brothers had claimed all his good clothes. The only thing left was his socks... and he was still wearing 'em in his hospital bed. I didn't want 'em once I saw that... they were clearly on their last legs.
Scotland is renowned for its mythical creature... you know, the one who rings doorbells, then runs away. You've undoubtedly heard of it already: the Knockless Monster.
My uncle was fired from his job just for misgendering someone! Turns out the guy he operated on didn't want to be a woman after all.
Blonde: "I've always been proud of my donuts... I believed they were so good, I took one to a rich investor, hoping he'd give me start-up money."
Burnette: "Didn't work out, huh?"
Blonde: "Nope. He thought it was a big zero."
I've come up with a new recipe: a casserole of deviled pork mixed with long grain rice. I'm calling it Rice al Dante.
Cat lady: "Do you happen to have any Schrodinger cats?"
Pet shop owner: "Well, yes and no."
I bet my brother that I could win four hands of blackjack in a row. Dammit! Now the casino owns him!
She: "Is it just me, or is our cat getting too fat?"
He: "No, it's definitely both of you."
Hot dog bun: "You getting together with someone finally?"
Hamburger bun: "Why yes I am! Meet Patty!"
A nudist colony isn't just for relaxation; some spirited debates take place! It's a great venue for women and men to air their differences!
Teacher: "Gravity is one of the fundamental forces of our universe. What would happen to us if it disappeared?"
Little Johnny: "We'd all have gravy!"
Teacher: "According to the old proverb, it's the early bird who catches the worm. What lesson can we draw from that?"
Little Johnny: "Stay in bed till noon unless you wanna catch worms!"
This Halloween season, I've got to work for a factory that builds Dracula dolls. But there's only two of us on the assembly line, so I have to make every second Count.
Bar patron: "Boy do I need a drink! Just spent five hours at my wife's gravesite."
Bartender: "Here, have one on the house, friend. My condolences to you."
Bar patron: "Thanks a lot! It really was a ton of work... she thinks I'm digging a flower bed."
* * *
He: "I want a second slice of pie!"
She: "No, George. You have a weight problem."
He: "Damn straight! You're making me wait for that piece of pie!"
* * *
Last night I had a case of drinky-poos! My wife hates it when I refer to diarrhea that way.
* * *
Batman owns a pet bat; Aquaman has a pet fish. You'd think Superman would get a pet eagle, but no... he prefers to have a capon.
* * *
Just a word to reassure the ladies: I'm very, very good in bed! Hardly ever fall out anymore!
* * *
Burnette: "This is a pain! Why do I have to be with you in the bathroom while you brush your teeth?"
Blonde: " 'Cause it says right here on the tube: 'Brushing alone may not prevent tooth decay'!"
* * *
As a child, I never had imaginary friends like the other kids. I couldn't even comprehend the idea. I mean, really... could you ever picture anyone liking me?
* * *
Q: A golf bag wheels into the clubhouse bar and all the clubs inside start to order. The 5 wood gets a whisky, neat; the 9 iron has a beer; the sand wedge asks for a martini; the putter chooses red wine, on and on till almost everyone is served. The last club, however, only gets water. Why is that?
A: He's the driver.
* * *
Dad didn't have much to leave us kids when he died; by the time I got to the hospital, my brothers had claimed all his good clothes. The only thing left was his socks... and he was still wearing 'em in his hospital bed. I didn't want 'em once I saw that... they were clearly on their last legs.
* * *
Scotland is renowned for its mythical creature... you know, the one who rings doorbells, then runs away. You've undoubtedly heard of it already: the Knockless Monster.
* * *
My uncle was fired from his job just for misgendering someone! Turns out the guy he operated on didn't want to be a woman after all.
* * *
Blonde: "I've always been proud of my donuts... I believed they were so good, I took one to a rich investor, hoping he'd give me start-up money."
Burnette: "Didn't work out, huh?"
Blonde: "Nope. He thought it was a big zero."
* * *
I've come up with a new recipe: a casserole of deviled pork mixed with long grain rice. I'm calling it Rice al Dante.
* * *
Cat lady: "Do you happen to have any Schrodinger cats?"
Pet shop owner: "Well, yes and no."
* * *
I bet my brother that I could win four hands of blackjack in a row. Dammit! Now the casino owns him!
* * *
She: "Is it just me, or is our cat getting too fat?"
He: "No, it's definitely both of you."
* * *
Hot dog bun: "You getting together with someone finally?"
Hamburger bun: "Why yes I am! Meet Patty!"
* * *
A nudist colony isn't just for relaxation; some spirited debates take place! It's a great venue for women and men to air their differences!
* * *
Teacher: "Gravity is one of the fundamental forces of our universe. What would happen to us if it disappeared?"
Little Johnny: "We'd all have gravy!"
* * *
Teacher: "According to the old proverb, it's the early bird who catches the worm. What lesson can we draw from that?"
Little Johnny: "Stay in bed till noon unless you wanna catch worms!"
* * *
This Halloween season, I've got to work for a factory that builds Dracula dolls. But there's only two of us on the assembly line, so I have to make every second Count.
* * *
Bar patron: "Boy do I need a drink! Just spent five hours at my wife's gravesite."
Bartender: "Here, have one on the house, friend. My condolences to you."
Bar patron: "Thanks a lot! It really was a ton of work... she thinks I'm digging a flower bed."
