Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]I just made a chicken salad. Hope she enjoys it.
My legless brother plays golf from his wheel chair. His score isn’t so good, but he has a strong handicap.
A bacteria walks up to a club entrance, but is stopped by the bouncer.
“You don’t understand,” the germ tells him. “The owner just hired me. I’m staph.”
I used to brag about being an auto-cannibal. Now I understand I was just full of myself.
The bartender never did break up with her boyfriend. He kept asking for another shot.
Co-workers tell me my clothes look gay. Well... they did just come out of the closet.
A kid drowned in school today. It may have involved his grades; he was below C level.
You don’t need schooling to understand math... it’s 90% common sense. The other half is persistence.
When I was 7, my parents pulled up stakes and moved to New York. It took me 10 years to find them again.
Teacher: “You have five watermelons. Little Timmy only has three. You toss him one off the truck; what does Timmy have now?”
Little Johnny: “A concussion.”
Marriage isn’t simply a word. It’s a sentence.
For me, sex is not the answer. “No” is the answer.
A foreign power just returned one of our secret agents. He was so inept, he wore undewear on his head as a disguise. Now that he’s back, he’ll be retired (after a debriefing).
My aunt has worked out a home remedy for Tourettes Syndrome. She swears by it.
If Captain America ever retires, the Hulk is fully prepared to take his place. He’ll be the Star Spangled Banner.
Trump has a sure-fire scheme to destroy ISIS... he plans to buy it and run it.
Tom Petty died recently of cardiac arrest. Prime suspects are the Heartbreakers.
I think of marriage as a workshop: I work, my wife shops.
A Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub. Unexpectedly, everyone hears the Scotsman say, “Drinks are on me, lads!”
Headline the next morning: “Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind pub.”
Did you know that in past centuries sailors in the British navy were kidnapped and forced into service? Isn’t that impressive?
I understand people are now stage diving during Oktoberfest. Or, as they call it there, krautsurfin.
Old man: “You still have sex with your wife?”
Second old man: “ Yeah. But these days it’s strictly oral.”
Old man: “Oral?”
Second old man: “I say ‘fuck you’; she says ‘fuck you too’.”[/FONT]
* * *
My legless brother plays golf from his wheel chair. His score isn’t so good, but he has a strong handicap.
* * *
A bacteria walks up to a club entrance, but is stopped by the bouncer.
“You don’t understand,” the germ tells him. “The owner just hired me. I’m staph.”
* * *
I used to brag about being an auto-cannibal. Now I understand I was just full of myself.
* * *
The bartender never did break up with her boyfriend. He kept asking for another shot.
* * *
Co-workers tell me my clothes look gay. Well... they did just come out of the closet.
* * *
A kid drowned in school today. It may have involved his grades; he was below C level.
* * *
You don’t need schooling to understand math... it’s 90% common sense. The other half is persistence.
* * *
When I was 7, my parents pulled up stakes and moved to New York. It took me 10 years to find them again.
* * *
Teacher: “You have five watermelons. Little Timmy only has three. You toss him one off the truck; what does Timmy have now?”
Little Johnny: “A concussion.”
* * *
Marriage isn’t simply a word. It’s a sentence.
* * *
For me, sex is not the answer. “No” is the answer.
* * *
A foreign power just returned one of our secret agents. He was so inept, he wore undewear on his head as a disguise. Now that he’s back, he’ll be retired (after a debriefing).
* * *
My aunt has worked out a home remedy for Tourettes Syndrome. She swears by it.
* * *
If Captain America ever retires, the Hulk is fully prepared to take his place. He’ll be the Star Spangled Banner.
* * *
Trump has a sure-fire scheme to destroy ISIS... he plans to buy it and run it.
* * *
Tom Petty died recently of cardiac arrest. Prime suspects are the Heartbreakers.
* * *
I think of marriage as a workshop: I work, my wife shops.
* * *
A Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub. Unexpectedly, everyone hears the Scotsman say, “Drinks are on me, lads!”
Headline the next morning: “Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind pub.”
* * *
Did you know that in past centuries sailors in the British navy were kidnapped and forced into service? Isn’t that impressive?
* * *
I understand people are now stage diving during Oktoberfest. Or, as they call it there, krautsurfin.
* * *
Old man: “You still have sex with your wife?”
Second old man: “ Yeah. But these days it’s strictly oral.”
Old man: “Oral?”
Second old man: “I say ‘fuck you’; she says ‘fuck you too’.”[/FONT]
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