Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
In the future, every mob boss will use robots to beat up gamblers who don't pay their debts. It's a no-lose proposition: even if they're caught, the worst thing that can happen is that they'll be charged with battery.
I read the Bible until I got its point: love thy neighbor. So now I've switched to the Kama Sutra... it's a lot more specific.
Steve Irwin clearly never used sunscreen. If he'd done that, he would have been protected from harmful rays.
I was in class contemplating Pavlov's dogs, imagining what pathetic creatures they must have been to be conditioned so easily. But I never got to finish my thought... the noon bell wrang and off I went to lunch.
Q: Why do prison inmates prefer liquid soap?
A: It takes a lot longer to pick up off the shower floor.
My dog just graduated from medical school. He obviously misunderstood each time I've told him: "Heel!"
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It's impossible to tell. As soon as the light goes on, they all scurry under furniture.
My brother's the best skydiver in his group! He just beat everyone else to the ground! In record time, too!
Schrodinger's cat simultaneously does and does not exist inside its box. Schrodinger's cat food, on the other hand, better definitely exist inside its bowl at feeding time or Schrodinger isn't going to get a wink of sleep.
I've been engaged five times and each time it's fallen apart before the wedding day. Man, that's a lot of near missus!
A cannibal enters a restaurant, places five bucks on the counter and says to the man at the register, "One ten-year-old to go, please."
The man is taken aback, spluttering, "What on earth are you talking about?"
The savage doesn't reply, merely gestures toward a sign just behind the worker's head:
"Children, half-price".
I've always relied on fractions instead of the decimal equivalent. I just never got the point.
What's the biggest difference to be found in identical triplets?
A: Location, location, location!
My uncle had huge appetite before he became a vampire. Now he eats necks to nothing.
A four-year-old boy is starting to become curious about his body; while in the bath, he notices his testicles and asks, "Mommy, is this where my brains are?"
"Not yet," replies mom. "Give it about ten years."
In Biblical times, it was considered a miracle if an ass spoke. We truly do live in a blessed age!
Q: Why was it that Gandalf never achieved leadership of his wizard order?
A: Poor organizational skills. It was well known that he abused his staff.
The difference between my calendar and my address book: my calendar actually gets used for dating.
According to reports, over 80,000 boy scouts have been subjected to sexual abuse. The most disappointing part of this statistic: not one of them was prepared.
My uncle always gives lottery tickets as gifts. I've never understood his reasoning... it's like saying, "Here you go! A 99% chance of suffering a letdown! I saw it and immediately thought of you!"
Q: How does one hotdog meet another hotdog?
A: Grindr is the perfect place to start.
Pilot: "I'd like to announce that we've just lost our outer right engine. Don't panic; the other three will get us to our destination, it'll just take a little longer."
Ten minutes later...
Pilot: "I'd like to announce that we've just lost our outer left engine. We still aren't in any trouble; it'll just take us a bit longer to reach our destination."
Ten minutes later...
Pilot: "I'd like to announce that we've just lost our secondary right engine. Don't worry, we can still reach our destination, it'll just take longer."
Blonde passenger: "Boy, if we lose another engine, we'll never reach our destination!"
Brunette passenger: "Yes we will. Just make sure to dress for warm weather."
* * *
I read the Bible until I got its point: love thy neighbor. So now I've switched to the Kama Sutra... it's a lot more specific.
* * *
Steve Irwin clearly never used sunscreen. If he'd done that, he would have been protected from harmful rays.
* * *
I was in class contemplating Pavlov's dogs, imagining what pathetic creatures they must have been to be conditioned so easily. But I never got to finish my thought... the noon bell wrang and off I went to lunch.
* * *
Q: Why do prison inmates prefer liquid soap?
A: It takes a lot longer to pick up off the shower floor.
* * *
My dog just graduated from medical school. He obviously misunderstood each time I've told him: "Heel!"
* * *
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It's impossible to tell. As soon as the light goes on, they all scurry under furniture.
* * *
My brother's the best skydiver in his group! He just beat everyone else to the ground! In record time, too!
* * *
Schrodinger's cat simultaneously does and does not exist inside its box. Schrodinger's cat food, on the other hand, better definitely exist inside its bowl at feeding time or Schrodinger isn't going to get a wink of sleep.
* * *
I've been engaged five times and each time it's fallen apart before the wedding day. Man, that's a lot of near missus!
* * *
A cannibal enters a restaurant, places five bucks on the counter and says to the man at the register, "One ten-year-old to go, please."
The man is taken aback, spluttering, "What on earth are you talking about?"
The savage doesn't reply, merely gestures toward a sign just behind the worker's head:
"Children, half-price".
* * *
I've always relied on fractions instead of the decimal equivalent. I just never got the point.
* * *
What's the biggest difference to be found in identical triplets?
A: Location, location, location!
* * *
My uncle had huge appetite before he became a vampire. Now he eats necks to nothing.
* * *
A four-year-old boy is starting to become curious about his body; while in the bath, he notices his testicles and asks, "Mommy, is this where my brains are?"
"Not yet," replies mom. "Give it about ten years."
* * *
In Biblical times, it was considered a miracle if an ass spoke. We truly do live in a blessed age!
* * *
Q: Why was it that Gandalf never achieved leadership of his wizard order?
A: Poor organizational skills. It was well known that he abused his staff.
* * *
The difference between my calendar and my address book: my calendar actually gets used for dating.
* * *
According to reports, over 80,000 boy scouts have been subjected to sexual abuse. The most disappointing part of this statistic: not one of them was prepared.
* * *
My uncle always gives lottery tickets as gifts. I've never understood his reasoning... it's like saying, "Here you go! A 99% chance of suffering a letdown! I saw it and immediately thought of you!"
* * *
Q: How does one hotdog meet another hotdog?
A: Grindr is the perfect place to start.
* * *
Pilot: "I'd like to announce that we've just lost our outer right engine. Don't panic; the other three will get us to our destination, it'll just take a little longer."
Ten minutes later...
Pilot: "I'd like to announce that we've just lost our outer left engine. We still aren't in any trouble; it'll just take us a bit longer to reach our destination."
Ten minutes later...
Pilot: "I'd like to announce that we've just lost our secondary right engine. Don't worry, we can still reach our destination, it'll just take longer."
Blonde passenger: "Boy, if we lose another engine, we'll never reach our destination!"
Brunette passenger: "Yes we will. Just make sure to dress for warm weather."
