Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
My wife wants me to attend a Speech Therapy class, but should I? It's hard to say.
Good thing that breasts have nipples. Otherwise they'd be pointless.
My brother weighs 600 pounds. People say he's self indulgent, but I've always found him down to earth.
Best part of a Fight Club joke? The endless punch line.
Wife: Hmph! Some math teacher you are! You said you'd be back by 11:45! Here it is, 3 in the morning!
Husband: Be fair, dear. I didn't say 11:45. I said a quarter of 12.
I'm in a long distance relationship. My girl lives in the future.
My doctor told me I only had two months to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 30 years!
The sailors wanted to play cards, but couldn't... not with a captain on the deck.
A Knight and a Paladin walk into an electronics store.
"I'm looking for a Dell computer," says the Knight.
"PCs, aisle 5," replies the Mage salesman. "And you, sir?"
"I need a Hewlett-Packard printer," the Paladin tells him.
"Sorry," returns the Mage, "I'm all out of HP," and immediately dies.
If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be:
Not very cooperative.
The Riot Control officer left early for work. He was eager to beat the crowd.
Erasers I can tolerate, but with pencils I draw the line.
I'd always thought that the brain is the most important organ in my body. Then it struck me... what else would you expect my brain to say?
You'll never hear Ewoks yelling. They always use their Endor voices.
I have a heroine addiction. I'm only attracted to women who are being menaced by old-time melodrama villains.
A man enters a bar with a leashed crocodile.
"Do you serve lawyers?" he inquires.
"Sure," replies the bartender.
"Fine," the man says. "A beer for me and a lawyer for him."
For '80s pop music, you just can't beat Tina Turner!
That's Ike's job.
Germany's economy was ruined after the Second World War. It was that devastating gas bill.
Cat-food is made out of beef, turkey, tuna, etc. ... meats that commercials claim cats crave. When was the last time anyone saw a house cat bring down a cow?
My roommate says I'm schizophrenic. Joke's on him! I don't have a roommate!
It's a good thing Gatorade began at the University of Florida instead of Florida State. I doubt it would have done well if it had been called Seminole Fluid.
Julius Caesar: Bartender, I would like a martinus.
Bartender: Don't you mean "martini"?
Caesar: If I wanted more than one, I would have said so!
* * *
Good thing that breasts have nipples. Otherwise they'd be pointless.
* * *
My brother weighs 600 pounds. People say he's self indulgent, but I've always found him down to earth.
* * *
Best part of a Fight Club joke? The endless punch line.
* * *
Wife: Hmph! Some math teacher you are! You said you'd be back by 11:45! Here it is, 3 in the morning!
Husband: Be fair, dear. I didn't say 11:45. I said a quarter of 12.
* * *
I'm in a long distance relationship. My girl lives in the future.
* * *
My doctor told me I only had two months to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 30 years!
* * *
The sailors wanted to play cards, but couldn't... not with a captain on the deck.
* * *
A Knight and a Paladin walk into an electronics store.
"I'm looking for a Dell computer," says the Knight.
"PCs, aisle 5," replies the Mage salesman. "And you, sir?"
"I need a Hewlett-Packard printer," the Paladin tells him.
"Sorry," returns the Mage, "I'm all out of HP," and immediately dies.
* * *
If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be:
Not very cooperative.
* * *
The Riot Control officer left early for work. He was eager to beat the crowd.
* * *
Erasers I can tolerate, but with pencils I draw the line.
* * *
I'd always thought that the brain is the most important organ in my body. Then it struck me... what else would you expect my brain to say?
* * *
You'll never hear Ewoks yelling. They always use their Endor voices.
* * *
I have a heroine addiction. I'm only attracted to women who are being menaced by old-time melodrama villains.
* * *
A man enters a bar with a leashed crocodile.
"Do you serve lawyers?" he inquires.
"Sure," replies the bartender.
"Fine," the man says. "A beer for me and a lawyer for him."
* * *
For '80s pop music, you just can't beat Tina Turner!
That's Ike's job.
* * *
Germany's economy was ruined after the Second World War. It was that devastating gas bill.
* * *
Cat-food is made out of beef, turkey, tuna, etc. ... meats that commercials claim cats crave. When was the last time anyone saw a house cat bring down a cow?
* * *
My roommate says I'm schizophrenic. Joke's on him! I don't have a roommate!
* * *
It's a good thing Gatorade began at the University of Florida instead of Florida State. I doubt it would have done well if it had been called Seminole Fluid.
* * *
Julius Caesar: Bartender, I would like a martinus.
Bartender: Don't you mean "martini"?
Caesar: If I wanted more than one, I would have said so!
