Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
Believe it or not, I killed a vampire last year! Splashed holy water in its eyes to blind it, then drove a wooden stake right through its heart! It died instantly, just like in the movies. Still not sure why it was carrying a bucket of candy, though.
A lot of people breathe in helium for laughs, but that can actually be pretty dangerous. Don't take it lightly.
My roof may not be the best in the county, but it's definitely up there.
Of all the Guardians of the Galaxy, Groot is the most endearing. He really tends to grow on you.
Is it really true that you are what you eat? If so, I'm completely innocent of cannibalism.
Jailers found this scrawled on the wall of Jeffrey Epstein's cell: J_fr_y _pst_in. Guess he was playing hangman.
I hate it when we study ancient history in class. That's when the teacher tends to Babylon.
Lorena Bobbitt's preferred pronouns: she/him.
I was going through the silverware last night and noticed that my seafood fork only has three tines. Guess it's actually a threek.
A woman takes her service dog to the theater to see a showing of "Old Yeller". Once the movie comes to its sad ending, the whole audience is in tears, but no one more so than the dog, who sobs uncontrollably. Amazed to see a dog weep, the patron sitting next to the lady says, "That's the most perplexing thing I've ever seen!"
"I can't understand it either," the woman responds. "He didn't act that way after he read the book."
My old parrot is so doddery, he has lots of trouble staying on his perch. I was at my wit's end what to do about it until it occurred to me: Poligrip!
Blonde: "How come arborists went to see Jesus after he was born?"
Brunette: "No arborists ever went to see Jesus!"
Blonde: "Yeah? How about the tree wise men?"
I got a voodoo doll as a gag gift from my sister. I'm not sure what to tell her about it... I came home from a trip to the acupuncturist and found it dead.
Historians now think that Viking raiders were a lot younger than previously thought. Seems that it takes a child to raze a village.
My brother, a chiropractor, just returned from a two week vacation and the first thing he did was head for the office. He just can't wait to get back to work.
Boyfriend: "See ya. I'm gonna get a haircut."
Blonde girlfriend: "Really? Which one?"
I was gonna dress up as O.J. Simpson for Halloween, but had to take the costume back. The gloves didn't fit.
Paleontologists have discovered the remains of a hitherto unknown kind of amphibian that lived exclusively in tunnels. It would have existed around the same time as cavemen... they refer to the creatures as froglodytes.
Due to a limited budget, I can either have my kitchen plumbing repaired or replace the faulty pool pump. There just isn't enough money for both... it's either sink or swim.
In the world of chickens, the hen is the only one who can produce eggs. Well... almost. One breed alone leaves this to the rooster: Himalayan.
I told a career interviewer that I was a world class spokesman. She told me she'd find me a job that fit my qualifications perfectly. So why am I now doing bicycle repairs?
"Who are your personal heroes?"
"Well, you'd certainly know them. They're famous for being in a four-man rock group."
"Ah! In The Beatles!"
"Nope. On Mount Rushmore."
* * *
A lot of people breathe in helium for laughs, but that can actually be pretty dangerous. Don't take it lightly.
* * *
My roof may not be the best in the county, but it's definitely up there.
* * *
Of all the Guardians of the Galaxy, Groot is the most endearing. He really tends to grow on you.
* * *
Is it really true that you are what you eat? If so, I'm completely innocent of cannibalism.
* * *
Jailers found this scrawled on the wall of Jeffrey Epstein's cell: J_fr_y _pst_in. Guess he was playing hangman.
* * *
I hate it when we study ancient history in class. That's when the teacher tends to Babylon.
* * *
Lorena Bobbitt's preferred pronouns: she/him.
* * *
I was going through the silverware last night and noticed that my seafood fork only has three tines. Guess it's actually a threek.
* * *
A woman takes her service dog to the theater to see a showing of "Old Yeller". Once the movie comes to its sad ending, the whole audience is in tears, but no one more so than the dog, who sobs uncontrollably. Amazed to see a dog weep, the patron sitting next to the lady says, "That's the most perplexing thing I've ever seen!"
"I can't understand it either," the woman responds. "He didn't act that way after he read the book."
* * *
My old parrot is so doddery, he has lots of trouble staying on his perch. I was at my wit's end what to do about it until it occurred to me: Poligrip!
* * *
Blonde: "How come arborists went to see Jesus after he was born?"
Brunette: "No arborists ever went to see Jesus!"
Blonde: "Yeah? How about the tree wise men?"
* * *
I got a voodoo doll as a gag gift from my sister. I'm not sure what to tell her about it... I came home from a trip to the acupuncturist and found it dead.
* * *
Historians now think that Viking raiders were a lot younger than previously thought. Seems that it takes a child to raze a village.
* * *
My brother, a chiropractor, just returned from a two week vacation and the first thing he did was head for the office. He just can't wait to get back to work.
* * *
Boyfriend: "See ya. I'm gonna get a haircut."
Blonde girlfriend: "Really? Which one?"
* * *
I was gonna dress up as O.J. Simpson for Halloween, but had to take the costume back. The gloves didn't fit.
* * *
Paleontologists have discovered the remains of a hitherto unknown kind of amphibian that lived exclusively in tunnels. It would have existed around the same time as cavemen... they refer to the creatures as froglodytes.
* * *
Due to a limited budget, I can either have my kitchen plumbing repaired or replace the faulty pool pump. There just isn't enough money for both... it's either sink or swim.
* * *
In the world of chickens, the hen is the only one who can produce eggs. Well... almost. One breed alone leaves this to the rooster: Himalayan.
* * *
I told a career interviewer that I was a world class spokesman. She told me she'd find me a job that fit my qualifications perfectly. So why am I now doing bicycle repairs?
* * *
"Who are your personal heroes?"
"Well, you'd certainly know them. They're famous for being in a four-man rock group."
"Ah! In The Beatles!"
"Nope. On Mount Rushmore."
