Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]“Which section of a hospital is the most closely monitored?”
“The name says it all: ICU.”
A wife comes home from work to catch her layabout husband watching porn on the internet.
“Why do you feel the need to do that?” she scolds. “I’m a perfectly good woman, yet you haven’t touched me in months.”
“These gals are so much wilder!” the man leers. “They do things you’d never do!”
“Think not?” she counters smugly. “Just keep watching...”
I was so broke, I had to sell my homing pigeon. I’m not broke now; this is the twelfth time.
After his disappointment with Spock, Sarek decided not to have any other children. To insure this, he turned to a product he’d imported from Earth: his vulcanized rubber.
Lumberjack: “I’ve lost count; how many trees did I chop down today?”
Foreman: “I don’t know. I’ll check the logs.”
My brother claims he’s gay now. Man, he can’t say anything with a straight face!
Captain Ahab had to know he was doomed; he already had one foot in the grave.
History tells us that the first Red uprising took place in Russia on February of 1917. I’m not convinced of that... surely it happened in January. It had to be a New Year’s revolution.
Victor Frankenstein always made sure to include plenty of metal fasteners when he served his monster meals; he knew the creature had a habit of bolting his food.
My wife just brought home a young stud who’s muscular, wears shades and eats nothing but health food. That damned doctor never should have told her she needed a hip replacement!
“Know what you get when you rearrange the letters of ‘POSTMEN’?”
“A mass shooting spree?”
When I come home for dinner, all I ever get is cold, bland food. My wife really puts her heart and soul into it.
Kermit the Frog: “I’d like a condom, please... ribbit.”
Clerk: “Any special features?”
Kermit: “Like I said: rib it!”
My uncle won’t touch my aunt anymore, but has a mistress squirreled away somewhere. We’ve tried to find the hiding place, but he obstinately refuses to tell us... just where does he get off?
Traffic cop: “You we going 80 mph in a 40 zone! That’ll be $500!”
Blonde: “Wow, thanks! Pay me more and I can go even faster!”
In Jamaica, apple pie costs $2.50 a slice. Peach pie is a little pricier: $3.00. And pecan pie is the most expensive of all at $3.50. If you plan to travel there, it’s imperative you should know about the pie rates of the Caribbean.
A black buddy at work gripes constantly that he’s passed over for promotion because of his race. Man, he really needs to lighten up!
“My wife divorced me years ago. She claimed I was too inattentive.”
“What a shame! Did you have any kids?”
“Mmmmm... possibly.”
While serving aboard the International Space Station, I took along a fascinating biography of Abraham Lincoln to help pass the time. I just couldn’t put it down!
One lump of coal, to another: “What’s with Tom? All of a sudden he’s gone from dark and brittle like the rest of us to hard, clear and shiny.”
Second lump of coal: “You’ll have to forgive him; he’s been under a lot of pressure.”
I just heard about this anime guy called Goku. I guess he’ll never need a psychiatrist... they say he’s super sane.
A priest stands at the side of the road holding a placard that reads: “The path you have chosen will lead you to disaster. Turn yourself around now, before the end comes.”
A sports-car full of drunken teens sees him and streaks right past, jeering and flipping him off. A few seconds later there is the sound of a devastating crash.
A workman jogs up the road from the direction they’ve just gone.
“Father,” he states gravely, “we deeply appreciate your lending us a hand. But would you please change that sign for one that says, ‘Caution: bridge out’.”[/FONT]
“The name says it all: ICU.”
* * *
A wife comes home from work to catch her layabout husband watching porn on the internet.
“Why do you feel the need to do that?” she scolds. “I’m a perfectly good woman, yet you haven’t touched me in months.”
“These gals are so much wilder!” the man leers. “They do things you’d never do!”
“Think not?” she counters smugly. “Just keep watching...”
* * *
I was so broke, I had to sell my homing pigeon. I’m not broke now; this is the twelfth time.
* * *
After his disappointment with Spock, Sarek decided not to have any other children. To insure this, he turned to a product he’d imported from Earth: his vulcanized rubber.
* * *
Lumberjack: “I’ve lost count; how many trees did I chop down today?”
Foreman: “I don’t know. I’ll check the logs.”
* * *
My brother claims he’s gay now. Man, he can’t say anything with a straight face!
* * *
Captain Ahab had to know he was doomed; he already had one foot in the grave.
* * *
History tells us that the first Red uprising took place in Russia on February of 1917. I’m not convinced of that... surely it happened in January. It had to be a New Year’s revolution.
* * *
Victor Frankenstein always made sure to include plenty of metal fasteners when he served his monster meals; he knew the creature had a habit of bolting his food.
* * *
My wife just brought home a young stud who’s muscular, wears shades and eats nothing but health food. That damned doctor never should have told her she needed a hip replacement!
* * *
“Know what you get when you rearrange the letters of ‘POSTMEN’?”
“A mass shooting spree?”
* * *
When I come home for dinner, all I ever get is cold, bland food. My wife really puts her heart and soul into it.
* * *
Kermit the Frog: “I’d like a condom, please... ribbit.”
Clerk: “Any special features?”
Kermit: “Like I said: rib it!”
* * *
My uncle won’t touch my aunt anymore, but has a mistress squirreled away somewhere. We’ve tried to find the hiding place, but he obstinately refuses to tell us... just where does he get off?
* * *
Traffic cop: “You we going 80 mph in a 40 zone! That’ll be $500!”
Blonde: “Wow, thanks! Pay me more and I can go even faster!”
* * *
In Jamaica, apple pie costs $2.50 a slice. Peach pie is a little pricier: $3.00. And pecan pie is the most expensive of all at $3.50. If you plan to travel there, it’s imperative you should know about the pie rates of the Caribbean.
* * *
A black buddy at work gripes constantly that he’s passed over for promotion because of his race. Man, he really needs to lighten up!
* * *
“My wife divorced me years ago. She claimed I was too inattentive.”
“What a shame! Did you have any kids?”
“Mmmmm... possibly.”
* * *
While serving aboard the International Space Station, I took along a fascinating biography of Abraham Lincoln to help pass the time. I just couldn’t put it down!
* * *
One lump of coal, to another: “What’s with Tom? All of a sudden he’s gone from dark and brittle like the rest of us to hard, clear and shiny.”
Second lump of coal: “You’ll have to forgive him; he’s been under a lot of pressure.”
* * *
I just heard about this anime guy called Goku. I guess he’ll never need a psychiatrist... they say he’s super sane.
* * *
A priest stands at the side of the road holding a placard that reads: “The path you have chosen will lead you to disaster. Turn yourself around now, before the end comes.”
A sports-car full of drunken teens sees him and streaks right past, jeering and flipping him off. A few seconds later there is the sound of a devastating crash.
A workman jogs up the road from the direction they’ve just gone.
“Father,” he states gravely, “we deeply appreciate your lending us a hand. But would you please change that sign for one that says, ‘Caution: bridge out’.”[/FONT]
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