Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,986
- Points
- 48
A sharpened pencil can be as deadly as a knife; even so, you're allowed to carry one on a plane. I guess the line had to be drawn somewhere.
Back in unenlightened times, authorities used to burn witches. Happily, that doesn't happen anymore. These days, each witch is cooked to perfection!
Another way to refer to communion wine: taking the Lord's name in vein.
He: "Hear about the big explosion at the waste treatment plant?"
She: "Not a word."
He: "Are you sure? That shit's all over town!"
Our local postman may have been arrested. Evidently he murdered some guy on one of his routes by removing his organs. That's my understanding, anyway... he's been accused of de-livering the male.
Q: Why is bird flu so dangerous to humans?
A: It's completely untweetable.
My cousin used to be drug addict, but has grown too apathetic for even that low level of activity. The best he can manage these days is crystal meh.
Deadly disease contracted by humans having sex with fish: Merm-AIDS.
I went to this year's Halloween party in a homemade mummy costume. I'd never built one before and chose to achieve the look by wrapping myself up with duct tape. Not the best material... the effect was so hard to pull off!
Witches tend to avoid dating apps. They've had a bad history with matches on Tinder.
The simplest way to convert dollars into pounds: pay a visit to MacDonald's.
Snow White almost starved to death when she hid out with the seven dwarves. It's well known those guys struggle to put food on the table.
My wife is 80% Irish. Her name's a tipoff: Iris.
To vampires, holy water is polluted. It suffers from cross contamination.
No one wants to join me on karaoke night. I have to duet alone.
In Moscow, the city planners built a brand new street and named it after Vladimir Putin. They hoped it would speed up traffic, but in reality it's led to terrible congestion on side streets. That should have been obvious from the first... it's well known that nobody crosses Putin.
The garbage man wants to gossip every time he stops at my place. It's so irritating... I just hate trash talk.
Q: Why do doctors always tap your knee with that little rubber mallet?
A: No practical reason. They just seem to get a kick out of it.
Stone age coffins were built from the hide and bones of stone age elephants. It was a mammoth undertaking.
Party guest #1: "Who are you dressed up as, Don Juan?"
Party guest #2: "Guy Fawkes."
Party guest #1: "Yep, that's what he's famous for, all right."
Last week I got laser eye surgery. Imagine my disappointment when it only helped me to see better; I had hoped I'd be able to burn down buildings!
Blonde: "Trick or Treat!"
Brunette: "You still doing that? Well, if you want candy, you'll have to act like the rest of the kids and put on a costume!"
Blonde: "I am wearing a costume! I'm dressed up like a werewolf!"
Brunette: "That's ridiculous! Werewolves wear tattered rags, have fangs and fur all over! Those are just your normal street clothes."
Blonde: "Oh yeah? Well you're the one who's ridiculous! There's no full moon tonight!"
* * *
Back in unenlightened times, authorities used to burn witches. Happily, that doesn't happen anymore. These days, each witch is cooked to perfection!
* * *
Another way to refer to communion wine: taking the Lord's name in vein.
* * *
He: "Hear about the big explosion at the waste treatment plant?"
She: "Not a word."
He: "Are you sure? That shit's all over town!"
* * *
Our local postman may have been arrested. Evidently he murdered some guy on one of his routes by removing his organs. That's my understanding, anyway... he's been accused of de-livering the male.
* * *
Q: Why is bird flu so dangerous to humans?
A: It's completely untweetable.
* * *
My cousin used to be drug addict, but has grown too apathetic for even that low level of activity. The best he can manage these days is crystal meh.
* * *
Deadly disease contracted by humans having sex with fish: Merm-AIDS.
* * *
I went to this year's Halloween party in a homemade mummy costume. I'd never built one before and chose to achieve the look by wrapping myself up with duct tape. Not the best material... the effect was so hard to pull off!
* * *
Witches tend to avoid dating apps. They've had a bad history with matches on Tinder.
* * *
The simplest way to convert dollars into pounds: pay a visit to MacDonald's.
* * *
Snow White almost starved to death when she hid out with the seven dwarves. It's well known those guys struggle to put food on the table.
* * *
My wife is 80% Irish. Her name's a tipoff: Iris.
* * *
To vampires, holy water is polluted. It suffers from cross contamination.
* * *
No one wants to join me on karaoke night. I have to duet alone.
* * *
In Moscow, the city planners built a brand new street and named it after Vladimir Putin. They hoped it would speed up traffic, but in reality it's led to terrible congestion on side streets. That should have been obvious from the first... it's well known that nobody crosses Putin.
* * *
The garbage man wants to gossip every time he stops at my place. It's so irritating... I just hate trash talk.
* * *
Q: Why do doctors always tap your knee with that little rubber mallet?
A: No practical reason. They just seem to get a kick out of it.
* * *
Stone age coffins were built from the hide and bones of stone age elephants. It was a mammoth undertaking.
* * *
Party guest #1: "Who are you dressed up as, Don Juan?"
Party guest #2: "Guy Fawkes."
Party guest #1: "Yep, that's what he's famous for, all right."
* * *
Last week I got laser eye surgery. Imagine my disappointment when it only helped me to see better; I had hoped I'd be able to burn down buildings!
* * *
Blonde: "Trick or Treat!"
Brunette: "You still doing that? Well, if you want candy, you'll have to act like the rest of the kids and put on a costume!"
Blonde: "I am wearing a costume! I'm dressed up like a werewolf!"
Brunette: "That's ridiculous! Werewolves wear tattered rags, have fangs and fur all over! Those are just your normal street clothes."
Blonde: "Oh yeah? Well you're the one who's ridiculous! There's no full moon tonight!"
