Low_Roads
1st Level White Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 9,000
- Points
- 48
Brunette: "Says here in this biology text there are 100 billion neurons in the human brain."
Blonde: "Wow! That really makes you think!"
I couldn't decide what to have for dinner last night, so finally opted for Italian/Mexican fusion cuisine; had Tucci's enchiladas.
Q: What did the farmer say when his prize cow gave birth to four calves?
A: "You're on a roll, Clover! Time to raise the steaks!"
When my wife bought a Sylvester Stallone doll, I thought it was odd but didn't say anything; now that she's starting to bring it into our bed, the situation's becoming more tense. Recently it's been a little rocky between us.
Hear about the big fire at Panera? No employees got hurt, but their business is toast.
I tried showing off for my girlfriend by setting one of my farts on fire; instead of being impressed, she left me. Seems that she has no tolerance for gaslighting.
There's not much to learn at Clown College; most likely, you'll finish the whole course before you even arrive. Just complete everything on the silly bus.
My wife thought she saw a cockroach in the kitchen. This sent her into a frenzy of activity, first prying all the appliances away from the wall so she could vacuum every crumb and set down traps. Then, she went into a flurry of cleaning, scrubbing down all surfaces with cleanser an disinfectant. By the time she was done, the room was sparkling!
Tomorrow, I'm putting the roach in the bathroom.
Don't rage at your car if you happen to get locked out; just speak to it calmly and rationally. After all, communication is the key.
As a crisis negotiator, I understand the pitfalls of dealing with a suicidal bridge jumper. Treat him too gently and he's liable to milk his advantage for hours, wasting everybody's time and countless tax dollars. On the other hand, you don't want to push him too hard.
Twilight Sparkle was chosen to represent her My Little Pony companions at their Toy Hall of Fame induction. She was supposed to give a speech, but couldn't manage it; she was, after all, a little horse.
My grandad's given name is Arthur, but everyone calls him Spider. Not because he's sneaky or tough or comfortable around heights... we call him that because he can't get out of the bathtub.
To rear is human; to fork-hoof, bovine.
I'd always wanted to become a railroad engineer, but it turned out to be the wrong job for me. In the end, I just never saw the point.
Brunette: "So, I understand you consulted your sex therapist about all the bad luck you've had with partners lately. And she said it might be wise to abstain for a week or two."
Blonde: "Yeah. It hasn't worked, though. My tummy's bright green from dye, but I still can't get anyone interested."
Scat singing has killed my love life! The gals are turned off every time they hear me croon, "Hi-dee-hi-dee-ho!"
Patient: "Doctor, thanks to you I've finally gotten over my fear of the supernatural!"
Psychiatrist: "Wonderful! That's the spirit!"
Patient: "What?!! Where?!!!"
One of my butt cheeks was severed in an accident, so I went to the hospital for reconstructive surgery. Am happy to report they did a half-assed job!
Persian gangster: "Get ready, pal! I'm gonna rub you out!"
Genie: "Please, master! Do you have to put it so crudely?"
You should never take an aspirin if you have diarrhea. They taste considerably more pleasant with water.
Grams sued ounces to determine which was the superior measurement. After much wrangling, it ended up in the Supreme Quart.
Brunette: "Here's a relevant joke: what's the difference between bath towels and toilet paper?"
Blonde: "That's an easy one! We were all out of toilet paper."
Blonde: "Wow! That really makes you think!"
* * *
I couldn't decide what to have for dinner last night, so finally opted for Italian/Mexican fusion cuisine; had Tucci's enchiladas.
* * *
Q: What did the farmer say when his prize cow gave birth to four calves?
A: "You're on a roll, Clover! Time to raise the steaks!"
* * *
When my wife bought a Sylvester Stallone doll, I thought it was odd but didn't say anything; now that she's starting to bring it into our bed, the situation's becoming more tense. Recently it's been a little rocky between us.
* * *
Hear about the big fire at Panera? No employees got hurt, but their business is toast.
* * *
I tried showing off for my girlfriend by setting one of my farts on fire; instead of being impressed, she left me. Seems that she has no tolerance for gaslighting.
* * *
There's not much to learn at Clown College; most likely, you'll finish the whole course before you even arrive. Just complete everything on the silly bus.
* * *
My wife thought she saw a cockroach in the kitchen. This sent her into a frenzy of activity, first prying all the appliances away from the wall so she could vacuum every crumb and set down traps. Then, she went into a flurry of cleaning, scrubbing down all surfaces with cleanser an disinfectant. By the time she was done, the room was sparkling!
Tomorrow, I'm putting the roach in the bathroom.
* * *
Don't rage at your car if you happen to get locked out; just speak to it calmly and rationally. After all, communication is the key.
* * *
As a crisis negotiator, I understand the pitfalls of dealing with a suicidal bridge jumper. Treat him too gently and he's liable to milk his advantage for hours, wasting everybody's time and countless tax dollars. On the other hand, you don't want to push him too hard.
* * *
Twilight Sparkle was chosen to represent her My Little Pony companions at their Toy Hall of Fame induction. She was supposed to give a speech, but couldn't manage it; she was, after all, a little horse.
* * *
My grandad's given name is Arthur, but everyone calls him Spider. Not because he's sneaky or tough or comfortable around heights... we call him that because he can't get out of the bathtub.
* * *
To rear is human; to fork-hoof, bovine.
* * *
I'd always wanted to become a railroad engineer, but it turned out to be the wrong job for me. In the end, I just never saw the point.
* * *
Brunette: "So, I understand you consulted your sex therapist about all the bad luck you've had with partners lately. And she said it might be wise to abstain for a week or two."
Blonde: "Yeah. It hasn't worked, though. My tummy's bright green from dye, but I still can't get anyone interested."
* * *
Scat singing has killed my love life! The gals are turned off every time they hear me croon, "Hi-dee-hi-dee-ho!"
* * *
Patient: "Doctor, thanks to you I've finally gotten over my fear of the supernatural!"
Psychiatrist: "Wonderful! That's the spirit!"
Patient: "What?!! Where?!!!"
* * *
One of my butt cheeks was severed in an accident, so I went to the hospital for reconstructive surgery. Am happy to report they did a half-assed job!
* * *
Persian gangster: "Get ready, pal! I'm gonna rub you out!"
Genie: "Please, master! Do you have to put it so crudely?"
* * *
You should never take an aspirin if you have diarrhea. They taste considerably more pleasant with water.
* * *
Grams sued ounces to determine which was the superior measurement. After much wrangling, it ended up in the Supreme Quart.
* * *
Brunette: "Here's a relevant joke: what's the difference between bath towels and toilet paper?"
Blonde: "That's an easy one! We were all out of toilet paper."
